I'm totally panicking

I sent out invitations for my Scentsy party and out of all the ones I sent, I've only gotten word on about 4 of them. I'm totally nervous and scared for this party and worried that no one will show up. My mil is coming and I wanted to impress her with how I handle this. My mom's coming and I had a couple of orders from the ladies on my breast cancer board. I am pouring myself into this and thinking of everything about this party 24/7. I initially wanted to just earn the money back for the kit, but now I'm really hoping it takes off.

Rachel, just by the way. If you want to order something, I'll order it, you send me the money, and I'll ship it to you in Australia. It might not make it by Christmas, but if we want to pay the extra money to make it go faster, it might work. Let me know what you think.

This and That, mostly Scentsy stuff

I feel like a little kid in a candy store. I got my consultant kit the other day from Scentsy and I've been consumed with it. Naturally, I've already misplaced my consultant guide but I can download that from the internet. And I've discovered something else. You can get a headache from smelling too many candles smells. I got 80 little jars of candle testers. They are about the size of baby food jars ad each one is a different scent. I got a candle warmer and one bar and immediately put it to work. I was given the Clove & Cinnamon bar in my kit and it smells like heaven. I like my warmer too, it's the black with raised white dots on it and it's much bigger than I would have thought. Now I go through the catalog and try to decide which ones I want to buy. I have about 3 that I really like and one I want to get that has sentimental reasons. I won't get it now because we already have a black one that came with the kit. The girls on my breast cancer board use the dragonfly as part of the symbolism there and it just means a lot. When one lady has lost her battle, everyone lights a candle that night in memory and to help guide her towards heaven. So I thought it would be nice to get the dragonfly warmer but I'm not sure I can handle the sentimentalism that comes with it now.

It's been super hard lately on that board. Two recent ladies have past on, several more have been diagnosed with mets. One lady in particular that I've known since I've been on there found out that it has spread throughout her body. I want to be a part of all this and I don't. So I'm kind of taking it easy on that board and not posting as much. I don't know quite where I fit in. I'm not "actively" going through treatment like someone with chemo and radiation would. But I'm on tamoxifen and still doing some type of treatment. Though others look at me and it appears that I'm done. But I'm not even though I'm expected to be since I look like it. So hard sometimes.

I'm taking the Scentsy plunge

I've succombed to the evil forces. I can't believe I'm doing this, but I'm taking a deep breath, putting my head up high, and going forth. I just purchased my starter kit for Scentsy products. Ahhhhhh!!! I'm scared of standing up in front of anyone and talking about anything. I don't know why I'm doing this, but at the same time, I'm also super excited. My friend Emily in Idaho got me hooked on it and I'm going to attempt to at least pay back and earn enough to recover the cost of the starter kit. It's an interesting concept. No open flames, no wicks, no burnt fingers or tipped over candles and potential fires. I'm happy about the more intense smells but no fires. Now I just need to decide which scents I want for my own. Anyways, I'm going to stumble through this and see how I do. If anyone is interested, I'm including my humble website for anyone wanting to take a peek. Just search through the catalog and email for any questions.

http://www.scentsy.com/heidis

Pray I don't fall flat on my face. ;)

Nothing like a little scare to get your heart racing

I haven't had an annual exam in probably two years with everything going on. So I scheduled one and went yesterday. I got to see my favorite doctor, Dr. Susan Hughes, the bestest doctor anywhere, any time, in every way. So we start off with a hug and she asks how things are. She knows all of my family fairly well. Things are going great until we get to the usual breast exam. She's doing it and feels something that's not right. On my left breast underneath about 8 'oclock if you were looking straight on at it. With my history now, nothing is left to chance. She immediately sent in papers for a breast ultrasound up at the radiologist office next to the hospital.

I got lucky and had it scheduled at 9:30am this morning. I wish I hadn't said anything to anyone but Jason. It just gets people upset now with each additional appointment. I appreciate the concern, but it really was okay. But anyways, my mom meets me there and I go right in. I could see the whole thing and how interesting it looks on the little screen. It's like watching white cobwebs on a black background. Anyways, the tech couldn't find anything and neither did the doctor who checked on it. Everything's good so I feel fine about it. I do go see my oncologist on the day before Thanksgiving and will let him know I had this done so if he wants me to have further tests, I can get it done.

I was so mentally prepared for anything. I was really calm and not too worried at all. Such a nice change for once.

Hand me some cheese to go with this whine...

I need to get back on a regular schedule of taking my depression meds. I'm sliding downward and I need to claw my way out before I get in too deep.

I'm sitting here on a Saturday night at 8:59pm and I'm the only one awake. Dh went to go lay down with L and he was asleep before she was. I'm lonely and alone. Normally, I don't mind being alone. Tonight I do. I had a sort of anxiety attack that kind of stretched out throughout the day. I wanted to look nice for a bishopric dinner and I was worried that I wouldn't have anything to wear. First shirt emphasized every bit of fat on my torso. Then I tried another shirt that either shrunk or my arms have exploded in size because it cut into my arms. So I sat on my bed totally depressed and wanting to cry because I felt so big that I couldn't fit into any of my clothes.

I'm really struggling in all areas of my life. Spiritually, emotionally, physically, financially, etc. I would love to just be held in someone's arms and leave my worries behind for a few minutes. Not to be told I'm not doing something right or I should be doing this or what about cleaning this room, or having someone tattle on someone else. I want some flat out affection. I just want to be loved and sitting here in the dark on the computer with everyone else asleep, I don't feel it. I don't want to ask for it, I just wish it would happen. It just doesn't mean the same when you have to ask to be given a hug or a kiss.

I'm not sure what I need anymore. I really believe I'm a basketcase.