Home from the hospital

This will be long. I'm up at 3:52am on Saturday morning because I can't sleep. I hope I remember everything. lol

Jason and I left at 5:40am Thursday morning for the hospital. My mom came over to get Chloe to school and Lindsey to the babysitters. Mom's back went out while getting out of the car at our apartments and that made everything worse for her while dealing with the girls. I felt terrible. We checked in at the hospital and sat around waiting for my turn to be dealt with. There was a young child that was going to have surgery and I couldn't help but wonder how I would deal with things if it was my child going to have something done. I'd be a wreck. I finally got back and in my gown. From there things moved quickly. Within the hour I was in preop and waiting to go back to the OR. They were switching to a new computer system and were in their 2nd day of it so know one was really familiar with everything. I didn't start to freak out or panic till it was almost time for dh to leave. Then I had to switch to some deep breathing and trying to still the thought of wanting to hug my babies. I didn't do that before I left because they were sleeping and I didn't want to disturb them. I bawled for a few minutes and then was a little better.

I said goodbye to dh and they wheeled me into the OR. Dang, I forget how chilly it is in there. But I got on the table and they started giving me stuff. I remember it being 8:33 when I got in there and they put the oxygen on my mouth and then they said it would be less than a minute and I would be out. Next thing I remember is being in recovery and not being able to keep my eyes open for the life of me. I could hear everything but just not keep my eyes open long enough to see much. I guess I didn't get back to a room till nearly 3pm. That panicked Jason because Dr. Gray came out after noon and said she was done. They didn't have any beds available so I had to wait. They didn't tell him that though, so he thought something was really wrong.

I requested a private room if there were any, but there weren't and I was surprised that I was actually looking forward to a roommate. Weird how things change. I am happy to say that when I got to my room, I was the first one there so I got the side with the window. That helped with my small case of claustraphobia. Just being able to look out made things better. Things are kind of fuzzy for a while but I remember having an ice pack on my chest. I couldnt figure out why. Then the tight feeling in my chest brought it all back. Problem was, that I would have the ice on my chest and for some reason that made my stomach clench up and I couldn't relax. So I constantly had a stomachache. Then the hot flashes would start, so they put a ice pack on the back of my neck and I think a cold washrag on my head. Most attractive.

When my roommate came in, I was still kind of out of it. But I could hear everything. She was in her early 40s and it sounded like she never left the house without makeup and that was bothering her. She had a chest tube in and a machine to help suction it out. But I didn't know that at the time, I only heard chest tube. So the bubbling I heard I thought was relaxation pond or something that someone brought from home to help her feel better. It actually helped me relax and put me to sleep! I asked later and felt like an idiot when I was told what it was. She had plenty of visitors from family and that was fine. I listened a lot. (hee,hee,hee!!)

Afternoon was a blur but by dinnertime I was awake and I thought doing fine. So I drank some and actually attemped dinner. Not such a great idea. Remember the stomach clenching? I couldn't recognize that I was feeling sick till almost the last minute. The nurse was in the room and I told her I needed help. Then I needed it NOW!! My roomie had visitors and they handed me a get sick container and I barely made it in time. Then I needed a bigger one and a hand reached out from her side and handed me her other one. Then my roomie immediately got sick! She was feeling nauseated and since I had all her sick trays, she had to have a family member get something quick and she ended up using the brand spanking new commode tray. So the nurses had fun with us for a while cleaning us up since we spewed at the same time. I had to get my ice pack changed, my blankets, and cleaned my face up before I felt halfway decent again. I just thought it was hilarious that we both got sick at the same time. The rest of the night I was careful and had ice chips, water, and later on I had graham crackers. Made the potty trips with my IV pole and managed to knock or bang everything I could on the way there.

The rest of the night, my roomie and I got awake at the same times and either she or I would have to ring for the nurse for something. So every 3 hours it seemed we had our drinks changed, vitals checked, etc. I had to have help getting to the bathroom, because I had my IV pole, and those compression things on my lower legs. Every minute all night long they would come on, puff up and compress my legs, and then turn off. Every minute! Then on the IV pole, it would click every time the saline would drip. I was so used to it the first time I had surgery, that it didn't bother me and I slept okay despite it. It was just a pain trying to gather myself for the potty trips.

In the morning, my roomie wanted some sun, so she pulled the curtain back and we got to talk. Turns out Sandy has a 5 year old daughter too as did I and the nurse taking care of us. We had great talk and she seemed like a nice lady. I could tell she was a little more upper class than I, but when you're in the situation we were in, there's no being your usual self. I found out her mil was just diagnosed with colon cancer, and when she came in later, I got to talk to her for a few minutes.

I attempted breakfast and was also given my favorite hospital cocktail, cranberry juice and Sierra Mist. I had that when I was at the hospital with my csections and loved it. It was comforting to have it again. I drifted in and out and had visitors. I know that Shannon and Dad came the night before and Jason was with me most of the previous afternoon. He went home around 5:30pm and got the girls and spent time at my inlaws house. They had a nice dinner for him since it was his birthday, poor guy. Mom and Nanny came even with Mom's bad back. I was trying to talk to both Mom and Nanny, but I don't think Nanny heard me very much. I felt bad flipping back and forth between them. Jason came in later and he spent the rest of the day with me.

I was getting worried because Dr. Gray hadn't come to see me yet. In fact, I didn't end up seeing her till just before I left at 7pm or so. I could have had the nurses show me what to do, but I wanted to talk to her and so even though it was incredibly late, I waited. Got to have a lovely dinner of nasty mac & cheese, but the great nurses slipped me some yogurt and custard instead. I would talk on and off with Sandy every once in while, but mostly Jason and I had quiet time relaxing. He would help me get to the potty and back and we made a couple of trips around the ward in the afternoon when I felt up to it. The dang bra they put me in after surgery was really annoying and painful. The drains were hanging out underneath them, so it would rub up against the tightly attached bra and it was really hurting me. I was good with the pain meds though. I didn't take it as much as I thought but I also didn't let me get too much pain. It wasn't morphine either, so it didn't knock me on my butt immediately either.

I can't remembe much else now because the percoset if FINALLY starting to kick in. It's really hard not to curl up on my side. I want to desperately and I can't do it and that's making it hard to sleep. I can't believe I miss my hospital bed, but I do. I could get in any position to make it easier to sleep and at home I can't. It's either flat on my back in my bed or face the eastern sky and try to sleep in my recliner that I can't manuever very well with all my owies. I think I will try the bed again. Starting to feel a little sick too. I'm done for now, I'll try and write more later.

It's the night before surgery

Just a few more hours and I head to the hospital. All I've been thinking about today is my surgery and all it covers. I'm having my port taken out first, then my tissue expander, and then my left boob reduced. I went to the doctor's today and she marked me all up with a purple marker that has bled all over my shirt, my bra, and I put my arm down on my side and when it came back up, I had purple marks on my arm. I think Lindsey wants to grab a marker and take her turn on me now since the doctor got to do it. lol

The hospital called with preregistration questions and info for me. I called my oncologist and after two days finally got a call back. My fingers on my right hand and the back of my hand is swelling. When I saw it for the first time, I immediately called the doctor because I was scared it was the beginning of lymphedema. I still don't know if it is or not, but both Dr. Gray and Dr. Brouns want me to se a lymphedema specialist just to be sure. She can give me some good information on specifically what to look for and be aware of.

I had a very special blessing tonight. I wanted a blessing before I went in and Jason asked who I wanted. I wanted Bishop Powell because his wife has already gone through breast cancer and I knew I would be okay with him seeing me bald. Yes, it's vain, but I have very little left to be proud of. He told us once he got her tonight that he was pleased to help, but unsure why we asked him. Then he said that his wife told him it was probably because of her previous experience with cancer and that he would understand. It was exactly that reason why I chose him! My home teachers are great, but one of them is a kid I taught in my SS class last year. I don't feel comfortable talking about my cancer with someone I taught as a teenager. It was too difficult and awkward for me. But everything went fine tonight and I was very touched to hear the sweet spirit he brought to my home.

I had a situation with my mil today that ended badly. I opened my mouth when I just should have kept it shut. Now we are both upset I think and I feel horrible. I was feeling pretty decent all things considered and now I'm just an emotional mess again and feeling panicky about tomorrow and everything that is going on. I'm letting this one thing mess me up and I'm having trouble making it stop.

One good thing today is that my chemo buddy Tonya called me. I was so excited to hear from her. She starts her radiation tomorrow if her sore is better from her mastectomy. If not, she will have to wait yet another week. I saw her the day after her mastectomy and she is going to possibly attempt to see me tomorrow or the next day after my surgery. It was great talking with her and catching up. I didn't realize how much I miss her friendship and understanding in all this.

I was going to be brave and not have a private room. Then I figured that we already matched our deductable and if I do get a private room, insurance is paying for it. So bring on the privacy since we don't have to pay for it. If I don't get it that will be fine too. I just hope I remember to bring my earplugs with me.

Wish me luck that everything goes smoothly. We had a few bumps in the road in the last surgery and it's about damn time something went right for once. Pray that the swelling I'm feeling in my hand is in fact NOT lymphedema and instead just something minor that will go away soon. Dr. Gray said that she is doing the left breast reduction and doing some lipo on my left side. If I didn't have any swelling, she would have done the same on the right. Dang it!!! I wouldn't have minded that.

I'm up till midnight or as close as I can get it. I can't eat after that, so I'm going to eat just before it so I will hopefully not be too hungry in the morning. Silly goose!

I'm afraid of asking too many questions

I was searching through my breast cancer websites and found a support group for young women with cancer. I'm new to it but I have so many questions. I feel like an excited little kid that can't shut up and wants answers to everything. I love the support I've gotten from friends and family, but it doesn't always include that element of "been there, done that" to it. It's wonderful to get help and love and everything like that, but it's different getting it from someone who knows EXACTLY what it feels like because they are experiencing it at the same time or have just gone through it. Plus they are the same age as I am. I even found a lady in Florida who is having surgery the same day I am this week. Weird.

I've really messed up this year on family events. On my parent's anniversary, I told them I found out I have breast cancer. Three days after my birthday, I have a mastectomy. I had chemo a day before my dd's birthday and basically missed her day because I was in bed recovering. I have surgery on Thursday which is my dh's birthday. Even better, I found out on Friday that my first radiation appointment called a sim, is on Friday the 13th in October. Yeah, I really know how to pick em, don't I?

Met with yet another doctor today

I went and saw Dr. Schneider today. He is my radiation oncologist and will oversee my radiation treatments when they start next month. I forgot that I saw him back in May and he gave me an overview of what to expect when radiation starts. Well, this visit today was just a refresher of that appointment. He seems so kind and so ready to make things right for me. He wanted to see me before my surgery and he set me up to have an appointment two weeks after my surgery. If I'm able to get my arm up over my head so they can get all the angles right, then I will have the simulation done on 10/13. The sim is where I'm assuming he will have the techs set me up for my regular radiation treatments. They will position me just right, set the coordinances with the lasers, tattoo me, and all that fun stuff. Next week, I see Dr. Gray on Wednesday so she can mark me for surgery, I have labs done, the hospital calls me for preregistration, etc., etc.

I'm glad of what the surgery will entail, but I'm still fighting that feeling of wanting to get the hell out of town. I just have to calm down, take deep breaths, and be grateful for what will happen. The real time to panic will be next year when I have the super big surgery to make the new boob. This one will be easy. Go in, take out my port, my tissue expander, and reduce my boob. Should be a piece of cake, right? Why am I still scared to death then?

Hot flashes are driving me nuts

I had hot flashes all summer long. Some weren't so bad. It was hot anyways, so I would be hot and then get really hot and then go back to hot. No big deal. Well, it's started to cool down and so I go from cold, to cool, to HOT, and then back to cold. So I'm constantly taking off my flannel shirt and then shivering and putting it back on after the hot flash is over. I think in an hour, I have at least 10 of them. Jason was making fun of me last night because all I did was struggle in and out of my flannel shirt and throw my blanket on and off. I wish it would hurry up and end because it is so frustrating.

Surgery update

I went and saw Dr. Gray this afternoon. I am having surgery later this month and she will be performing it. I originally was going to have a saline implant and this spring I went through many weeks of being filled with saline through a tissue expander that was put in the same day that I had my mastectomy. Sometime in July, I found out that the expander burst or got a leak and the saline leaked out. So I will have to have a different type of operation to reconstruct my breast and that will take place next year probably in the spring. This surgery will take out the "broken" tissue expander, remove the port that helped administer my chemo IV drugs, and give me a left breast reduction. I'll stay in the hospital overnight and go home the next day.

Since chemo, my brain has turned to mush and I had to really think about what I wanted to ask the doctor. I even had my mom come with me so that she would help me out with the questions I needed the answers to. My surgery starts at 8:30am which means I have to be there at 6:30am which means I have to get up at 5:30am. All this means that I will be up till at least 12:05am the nightbefore eating a midnight snack since I can't eat after midnight. I hate not eating. lol My regular surgeon Dr. Killway will take my port out and then Dr. Gray will cover the rest of the surgery. My biggest worry is that I'm not sure how we'll take care of the girls that morning. C has school now but L will be taken to a church member's home. It's just a matter of who takes me to the hospital and who watches the girls. Should be fun.

I'll only be overnight and go home the next day. I can't move my right arm more than 45 degrees for 3 weeks, no driving for at least 7-10 days, and who know what else with my left arm.
I see my radiologist on 9/22, I have a mammogram on Tuesday, labs done, see Dr. Gray again, and then enter the hospital after that on Jason's birthday. Did I mention I have my mammogram on my anniversary? So I messed up my parent's anniversay this year, my birthday, my anniversary, and my dh's birthday!! Glad I could hit as many as possible. If the cancer center was open on Thanksgiving, I know I would be having radiation on that day too just to make life even more fun than it already is.

Quick note. The Race for the Cure is this Sunday and I want to go so badly. I'm not racing, but I want to be there to see everyone doing this for breast cancer. It's an amazing feeling to see and know that these people are racing to find a cure for something you are suffering from. They have a Sleep In for the Cure and if it wasn't so much I'd do that. You basically turn in a donation of $25, get a t-shirt, and you sleep in and don't have to show up. How cool is that?

Feeling like the fat kid that never gets picked

I'm starting to read more and more blogs of friends of mine that I've met online. Some are great and have good stories, messages, pictures, etc. I know my blog is focused on my battle with breast cancer and is not "uplifting" or funny or cutesy in any way. But a small secret part of me whines and wonders why I don't have the comments some other people do that I know. Am I not writing stuff as good as their stuff? I know a lot of my entries are downers, but I can't help that. This blog is solely for the purpose of dealing with my breast cancer. Oh well, I guess I shouldn't complain. I didn't write this blog for the pupose of hearing someone say they read it. It's not needed, but dang, it would be nice to hear it now and then.

9-11-06

Well, it's 5 years later from that horrible day. As much as I want to sometimes, I can't forget that day or the days that followed. How am I going to forget watching the WTC and the billowing smoke and the feelings I had while holding my newborn daughter at the same time? I just held her tighter. Am I going to forget how scared I was to let my husband go to work in the tallest building in Portland? He worked in the basement andf he wouldn't be able to get out if his building was hit and collaspsed. I watched that second plane hit, and I could have sworn I was watching a movie. It's New York for heavens sakes. They always show New York getting bombed or destroyed in movies, it had to be that. Nothing like planes flying into buildings happen in real life. My brain couldn't wrap itself around the fact that it really did happen, that people were evil enough to plan something so horrid. My brother travels for his job quite a bit. I knew that he had been in New York the previous week and found out later that he had stayed in the Marriott that was either at the foot of the WTC or pretty damn close. I was terrified to get on a plane again and I'm still scared to do it but have to calm myself down to not freak out. I taped the movie that the French filmakers made called "9/11". It was made with Robert DeNiro being the narrator. I watched it that night and I haven't been able to see it since. It hurts too much still. To see all those people racing into the buildings, hearing the horrid thuds of people jumping from the buildings and hitting the ground, the screaming, the dust billowing down the street as everyone races away.

I don't want to ever see or hear another thing about it. But I do at the same time!!! I don't want to forget but I don't want to be terrified when I think of it later. I'm not okay with this day and I have a feeling I never will.

Update on church today

I compromised with myself. I went to Relief Society instead of all three hours. Even once I sat down, I had to fight with myself not to jump up and run out of there. I arrived at church just as Sunday School was getting out. So a flood of people came out of the room while I was waiting to get in. Sister Amy P cornered me and asked me how I was doing. That opened the floodgates and I started bawling. I told her how I was doing and my stupid nose is running and so are the tears down my face. I think the world of Amy and I just wanted to keep hugging her all afternoon. She's so wonderful and I love her and her family to death. I seriously think if I didn't run into her today before Relief Society that I wouldn't have had the courage to stay.

Can they cancel church tomorrow?

I don't want to go to church tomorrow. I'm starting to panic at the thought. I've been sick a lot this summer with chemo and haven't been to a full 3 hour church meeting in a long time it seems. I'm scared and frankly, I don't have anything to hide behind if I don't go tomorrow. At times like this, I wish my mom was here. I seriously need some comfort right now. I don't want to answer questions, I don't want to wear a hat, I'm really really tired of hot flashes, and my physical appearance is not what I want it to be. I wish I could hide at home and never come out. But the other side of me wants friends to surround me and be with me and keep me company. It's so confusing and hard to know what to do. Problem is, it's not that hard or it shouldn't be.

Latest oncologist appointment and good news

I met with Dr. B for the last time for a while. I had labs done before I saw him and he let me know that I could have my port taken out during my surgery this month. He also said that my labs looked great and that I would need any more red or white blood cell shots. I got my prescription for Tamoxifen and will fill that within the next month or so. I get to take that every day for 5 years. I sure hope the prescription is cheap.

Oh, even better news. I have peach fuzz on my head. It's very light and super soft which is why I haven't really noticed it before. I thought I saw it earlier but figured it was fuzz from a shirt I had just put on. Nope, it's HAIR!!!!

Bundle of raw emotions

All of a sudden I'm so emotional. I got a book from the library the other day on this lady's experience with life after breast cancer treatment. I just thought it wouldn't be something I haven't already heard. But just in the first chapter or two some pretty powerful (for me) things were written. Finishing treatment is a big deal. I was ready to celebrate and ring my bell and be done with chemo. But I was sad and scared and emotional. It's like from the moment I had heard that I had breast cancer, I was on the move and doing things constantly to "improve" me or make me better. I was always working on "fixing" me.

Well, now I'm done with chemo, I don't have surgery till the end of the month and then radiation starts. I feel like I've had all this stuff done and now I have to just LIVE with it without any improvements for a month. Like I'm being shoved out into the dark and told to find my way without any guidance. That's the best I can describe it. Well, this book talks about these very feelings I have and how it's normal and not what you would think someone would feel. Someone without cancer like your family that is supporting you celebrates because this stage is over and yeah, the treatment is done!! Well, now it's time to live with it and that is even scaries that the treatment.

It's like a lightbulb went off today as I was reading the book and all these emotions are hitting me all of a sudden. Guess, I'm not as weird as I thought. I just didn't know other women with my experiences felt the same way.

We met Chloe's kindergarten teacher tonight

Such a big day for Chloe and me. Well, more for me than her. My baby starts school next week and we went to her school today and found out who her teacher was. She has Mrs. Martinez and she seems like a real nice person. She has 22 kids in her class and Chloe will have her first day of school next Thursday. Next week they have gradual entry for the kindergarteners. Each day next week, only about 7 students from each class go on that day. Chloe's day is Thursday and she will be there all day. Then the next Monday, Sept. 11th, she starts going every day.

I went today really nervous. I had some questions and concerns in my mind that were probably trivial, but were a big deal to me. This is my FIRST baby going to school and leaving me and I had all sorts of silly fears. But Mrs. Martinez answered all my questions, I got all the info I needed, and now we have alerted all our family to save cereal tops for education dollars. lol I can't begin to say how excited, relieved, and happy I am that Chloe is going to David Douglas school district and not Portland Public Schools. I would have moved back to Vancouver or homeschooled her if I thought she would go to PPS. She will have all day kindergarten, the school is on the other side of the park which is only a football field length away from our front door. We will be able to walk Chloe to school every day.

So to start things off, we went inside the school and saw which teacher she would have and what room she was in. We headed down the hall with the sea of parents and children to the different classrooms. We found her room in the very back of the school in the corner from where we started. This did not make me feel very good. But we got to the classroom and I met the teacher. When did all the teachers start getting younger than me??? She looked like she was barely out of high school. But we walked around the room and got her familiar with everything that was going to happen. I saw a schedule of her day, where the cubbyholes were for backpacks, the reading area, and the desks. I felt good being in there and it made me happy to see where Chloe would be all day. Jason and I introduced Chloe to Mrs. Martinez and they had a little chat. We also met the teacher's aide Nicole too. We found the library, the gym, cafeteria, etc. Everywhere that Chloe would be, we went and found it so she knew what it looked like.

I had the dumbest thoughts in my head but I seriously could not remember anything, so I had to find out and ask the dumbest questions. I found out that the kindergarten kids eat at their own table, they go to lunch together, the teacher's aide stays with them during lunch and helps wherever needed, Chloe will have snack time, recess where she won't have a chance to walk home, etc. From the playground, you can see our apartment and I worried that she would want to take off during recess and walk home. But they have people on the grounds watching the kids and Chloe would never get that far without someone noticing and bringing her back. I have Mrs. Martinez classroom number, the office number, and all the information I could need.

When we left, I felt shaky and weepy. It's like Mom said, I had the bringing up of Chloe for 5 years and now I was handing her off to be taught by someone else. I wasn't sure I could do this, but I'm proud of Chloe and I know that she will do awesome. She's terribly shy, but I KNOW that this experience will be so good for the both of us. It's just hard to believe that my baby is going to school! I feel like crying now.

Just pray that I don't make a fool of myself on her first day of school. I'm going to work on not letting her know I want to cry and then making sure I don't actually do it till after I drop her off in her classroom.

Bawling all day long

What the heck is wrong with me today? Everything makes me cry! My girls left and normally I'm thrilled, but I'm all alone and I want to cry. I know my mil is upset with me and no matter what I say to her, she says everything is great even though both Jason and I can tell it isn't okay and that makes me cry because everything used to be so good. I started a new blog just for my girls and that made me cry because I was a lousy mom and never did all the good mom things like doing baby books. I went in for my shots today and asked what would control the hot flashes. They told me Vitamin D and that made me cry for some dumb reason. I wanted a hug and no one's around and that's making me cry. I swear I think I'm losing it today and that's making me cry. I'm a mess!

8th chemo treatment went great today

The girls went to the babysitters this morning and didn't look back. I told Chloe I would call her later and I didn't do it. I wish I had, because it turns out that she threw up twice while she was there and I didn't get a phone call about it. I feel terrible! I guess she was asking about us and kept saying her tummy didn't feel good. I really feel rotten about it.

But Mom picked me up this morning and we went and saw Dr. Solti for my appointment. Dr. Brouns was gone and so I saw her. I started going back to the chemo room and getting my port stick put in and put on some saline type of stuff before seeing the doctor. Then I went back and got my good spot and was able to chat with my new chemo buddy Debi. Her hair is starting to fall out the night before her second treatment. So next time I expect to see her bald. It took a while to get started with the real chemo drugs, but I had time to spare. Mom kept me company for a while and then she left and Shannon and Dad showed up and visited with me for a while. They brought the cookies I made yesterday and set them out. The nurses handed them out to all the chemo patients and it made me feel good to know that all 7-8 dozen were gone by the end of the day and I had many compliments and comment directed towards me concerning them.

I'm impressed. My brother is deathly afraid of needles or has some type of paranoia about them. Anyways, he came for about 3 minutes to say hi before I told him he could leave with Mom. lol At least he showed up anyways. Jason was able to arrange half a day off by working on Sunday, so he came to stay after about 1:30 or so. He brought me three balloons and two cards, one from him and one from work. They were both wonderful and when I opened the card from his coworkers, it would sing "I will Survive!". Very nice.

Towards the end of chemo, I called Mom and told her to come over so she could see me ring my bell. I got tired of waiting and hit the bathroom. When I came out, my dad, sister, Nanny, mom, husband, and a friend and her son where there waiting for me. I got nice cards from Shannon and Mom and she made me an apron so I can get back to some serious cooking! Was that a hint or what? That and the pair of tongs I've been wanting gave the clues away.

So they all got to watch me say goodbye to various people I know and don't know. The nurses, other patients, and the scheduling staff. Then it was time to ring the bell. Jason set the video on the camera and I rang it out loud. All the nurses and patients stopped and clapped and cheered for me. It was very emotional because Mom and I both started getting weepy. Such a big deal! Ringing that bell meant so much! I was done with this part of my life and time to get onto something else. I will miss this experience so much.

I'm still not completely sure why I will miss it. But my nurse was telling me that just because I'm not actively doing something to fight the disease, I'm still healing and getting better. She said a lot of people get done with chemo and ask "Now what?". I know I have surgeries and radiation coming up but it's not that simple. This chemotherapy was such a life altering experience. If you haven't done it before or known someone who's done it, you don't get it. And then you don't have it anymore and you don't know how to fill that void. I found a book on amazon that I want to get that talks about it. I'm also thinking it might be a good idea to find a support group for breast cancer survivors so that I can continue to be around a good group of supporters to help me through this. We'll see how it goes. I wish so many things that can't happen. I'd love to go out and laugh with Erin and Kristen sometime. They can make me laugh so hard at times.

But it's getting late and I'm so tired and exhausted and emotionally shot today. I'm going to take my meds and go try to sleep. I have a sick baby, so I hope she has a good night too. She will be staying with me tomorrow if she's still feeling icky and Lindsey will go to Grandma's house. Hope all goes well there.

My last chemo is tomorrow!!!!

I can hardly believe that I will be done with chemotherapy tomorrow. It seems like I've been doing this forever. I had absolutely no idea what to expect with the first treatment and now I'm an old pro at it. 4 months have gone by and soon 8 treatments will be finished. I've been poked, prodded, had labs done too many times to count and I feel like a giant pin cushion.

It's weird to say and understand, but I will miss it. I will miss going in every other Thursday and sitting with friends that KNOW better than anyone what you are going through and think nothing of the lack of eyebrows you have or the new scarf or hat you have on to hide the hair. I will miss the laughter, the smiles of the nurses, my comfy fake leather recliner, and the fact that they FINALLY fixed the ice machine after it's been broken all summer long. Doing chemo was proactive and about the only thing I felt I could do that was doing something towards beating this disease.

I will miss especially(my nurses) Janelle, Tara, Amy, and even Desi. I'll miss Donna, Nancy, Sue, and mostly Tonya (my chemo buddies). She had her last treatment last time I was there. She knew I would be lonely and set me up with a new lady, Debbie who was having her first treatment. Tonya made me laugh, smile, and talk when maybe I didn't want to. She saved me a chair with "the girls" so when I arrived later, I would have a good spot to sit at and could laugh and talk with them. She made it easier to bear and even helped me to look forward to treatment because I knew she would be there. It will be hard to go tomorrow when I know she won't be there.

I didn't want to bring in a cake because that seemed a little too impersonal, so I made big batches of oatmeal raisin and chocolate chip cookies. My mom is bringing in some fruit and together we'll have the makings of a good going away party for me in the chemo room. I will really miss being there but I'm glad it's done too. I hated the Neulasta and Listera shots on Fridays. Those hurt even though Janelle is really careful about giving them to me. She does everything possible to make it easier to bear.

I hope everything goes well tomorrow and that I will be able to have the chemo. I didn't wait around for the results of my labs on Tuesday and if my levels aren't right, I won't do the chemo and will have to wait. But I've never had to put off a visit yet though I came close one time. Nothing out of the ordinary has happened, so I'm sure it will be fine.

Wish me luck and help me to be able to sleep tonight!!!

Last chemo on Thursday!!!

I can hardly believe after Thurday that I will not have to have another chemotherapy treatment. Has it really been 4 months since I started this? Doesn't seem like it. What am I going to do on Thursdays now? I'll have to find some other "fun" activity to replace sitting in a chair for 4-5 hours receiving drugs bad enough that a nurse has to wear special clothes at times to administer it to me.

So I want to do something special on Thursday. Bring a card or something to my nurse Janelle. We are assigned a nurse when we start and she was mine from the beginning. She's been great, real supportive, extra attentive, always making sure everything is just right. But somehow I don't think Hallmark has a card for this occaision. lol I'm not a sweet and sugary person a lot so I'm not sure how to proceed. I'm not even going to see my regular oncologist this week! He's gone so I'm seeing someone else. I want to celebrate somehow and I think I will bring in a cake or some type of goodies to share with everyone. I might just make a couple of batches of cookies on Wednesday instead of a cake. I'll figure it out.

This summer has been hell for me. I've never felt like I have and I've been through a lot. Started out with chemo and saline fills for the tissue expander. The chemo made me sick, the saline fills were incredibly painful, stupid thing fails, money issues, and so much more. Now the chemo is done and I survived it and done ...okay. How do you celebrate this? I want to mark this day and make it special but don't know how.

I do know that I'm going to walk out of there ringing that bell loud and clear. I'm happy I made it, I'm glad that it's done, and pray that I don't have to do it again.

late Friday night

Thought I would update a little. The chemo is different this time around. They gave me the Gemzar faster and I don't know if that has anything to do with it or not. But I'm getting symptoms that I would normally get with my AC chemo. Slightly sick to my stomach constantly, and tired a lot but not able to sleep, and the weird slight heartburn and tongue sensations. But I also get constant pain in different areas of my body. I mean that I have pain in different areas of my body, but while it's never in the same place, pain is always somewhere in my body. Does that help?

Yesterday I had a headache type of pain. It would like "pulse" in a certain spot in my head every couple of minutes all day. Today, it was in my right leg. It started right at my hip socket area and would cross over the top of my knee and down the inside of my calf down to my ankle. This would pulse or hit me with pain every so often and even now it's doing it. Sometimes it really hurts and other times I barely notice it.

I have a strange skin sensation going on too. My skin is super sensitive to touch now. Jason was trying to help me out last night and rubbed my shoulders with some lotion. It felt like I was being pummeled and it hurt!!! He wasn't trying to hurt me, but my body is just bizarre now and even when my little girls hug me, it almost annoys me how much it bothers me. But I loved to be hugged!!! I love it when they do it, but the skin sensation thing hurts me too.

My emotions are all over the place. I revolve between anger, frustration, depression, and once in a while happiness. But that's rare. Mostly it's frustration and bad depression. The kind where you feel so rotten and worthless that you want to crawl in a hole and hide from the world. You figure no one will notice if you are gone so you might as well leave. I tried to do that this week for a while, but thank goodness a good friend called me out and asked me how I was doing. I miss her and I just saw her last weekend!

Do you ever wish you could do things that it seems like everyone else is capable of doing? I wish I could be the perfect mom, the perfect wife, keep a clean and tidy house, make wonderful meals that everyone likes, and do it with a smile on my face. I would honestly be happy if I could just do these simple things. Why am I unable to do any of it??? Why is it so freaking hard? I wish that was my talent. Make my crummy little apartment a home. I can't even do anything right. I feel terrible but don't have the plans or ideas on how to make it work. I barely remember my own name lately.

Yesterday I finally noticed something. I was calling my mom throughout the week just asking how she was doing. But I was asking the same things over and over like I've never heard the answer before. I totally panicked the other day because I bought a stupid roast chicken at the store with great intentions of what to do with it. I get home and stare at it and realized I had no recollection of what I wanted to do. I called my mom and almost started hyperventilating telling her about it. I was crying and just felt like a retard. It was like my mind had been erased of any sense. I was scared. So while I can remember things, I'm going to try and start writing them down. Then if I forget anything, I can refer to the list. How humiliating is that?

Back from my mini vacation

I had the chance to go visit my friend Tanya up in Washington this past weekend. My mil thought I was nuts for going somewhere the week of chemo, but I didn't start having problems until Sunday afternoon, so I did alright.

Friday after my shots for my blood levels, my parents took me to the train station and waited with me for the late train to show up. I got a business class seat on the way up and it was really worth it. I had a row to myself and it was quiet and peaceful. I even got a ticket for money off in the "bistro" and was able to get a drink for nothing. Very difficult to do my cross-stitch, but I enjoyed the trip nonetheless. I miss riding the train and plan to do it sometime soon again.

Tanya and O picked me up in Tacoma and I immediately felt terrible. Worst day of the week, worst time of day for traffic in Tacoma. But soon we were chatting like crazy and I didn't notice the traffic after a while. In fact, most of the weekend, we were talking and laughing and just being together and the time went so fast! When we got to her new home they had just bought, I was immediately in love. So perfect for her family. Just the right size. When I like a home, I can't help but start imagining how I would arrange my things. I hope I didn't drive her nuts with that. But it's just what Jason and I have always wanted. Yellow house, front porch area big enough for a chair, fenced back yard, area for swingset, area for a garden, big enough kitchen, and best of all, the fridge. She must think I'm insane! But I love her fridge. It had an icemaker and I constantly filled my glass with crushed ice and water all weekend. The water tasted great and much better than here in Portland.

We didn't do anything really wild, just got to be friends together and talk and laugh and just ...be. We've been friends for a long time and we didn't have to do anything really big to enjoy each other. I was being careful after chemo and we just spent time around the house. I think the worst part was trying to figure out where to eat for lunch on Saturday. Both of us couldn't make a decision and I know I wanted to make sure got to eat where she wanted so we almost went hungry trying to make sure the other person ate where they wanted because we could never decide what to eat. Geez, we're weird. lol

I had insisted on taking them out for dinner and was didn't get a real chance to do it because her dh made a wonderful pork roast dinner. I know he didn't know this, but one of my favorite dinners is pork roast, mashed potatoes and gravy, and veggies with homemade fruit sorbet. That's what we had!! He made it and didn't know how much it's one of my favorites. Then the man butters me up even more and makes a great Sunday breakfast with Tanya helping out on eggs. This Southern gentleman made biscuits and gravy, bacon, juice, and eggs. I was in shock, but very pleased. I didn't know Reid had it in him. The man's not perfect though. He's a very polite man with a southern drawl but can whip out the "F" word when you least expect it. rofl

I almost didn't want to come home. It's been a long time since I had such a big comfy bed to myself without a baby sneaking into it at night. The weather was cooler, lots of big green trees, and everything was very soothing. But I missed my babies, my dh, and my a/c. (Sorry Tanya) Glad to be back home now. I started getting the pains from my chemo on Sunday and I was hoping it wasn't too obvious but it was shooting up my legs and making me knees weak. I was so happy to sink into that train chair at the train station on the way home. Last night was so hard to sleep, but thank goodness for great pain meds and a rest today. A wonderful family in our ward had the girls today and I was able to take some really good pain meds that helped the pain go away. I'm feeling much better than before but still leery of the pain.

Thanks so much to Tanya and her family. I had a really great time in their home and even though we had a couple of "scuffles", I still love em! ;)

My 7th chemo treatment

Well,7 down 1 more to go. This seemed to go alright. It was my chemo buddy Tonya's last chemo treatment and she was there earlier than I was. She's always so sweet. She saves me a good seat next to her and we have great chats while we are getting our chemo. Since she knew this was her last treatment, she made friends with a new lady that was having her first treatment. Got to know her and then introduced me to her. Her name is Debbie and she's on the AC combo. Tonya told me since she was going to be gone, she didn't want me to be lonely and so she found me a new friend. That's why I got to know Debbie so that I wouldn't be alone next time on my last treatment. She's so awesome.

Tonya brought in a cake and shared with everybody and then we she got ready to leave, she rang her bell signally she was done with chemo. Everyone clapped and cheered and then she was gone. I was so happy for her and sad for me. Going to chemo was something to look forward to because I had people to talk to that were going through the exact same thing I was and I didn't have to make excuses at all. The only question there was was what kind of cancer did YOU have. My buddies and I all had breast cancer so we also had that in common. I'm so happy that Tonya made it through this part of the battle and can now face her surgery with this already done.

I feel okay for the most part. In the morning, I could feel a tightness in my chest because I was running around and hurrying and trying to get things together before I left for my trip. That and feeling just a tad tired and out of sorts and I was fine. I'm starting to feel little things creep up on me now, but nothing major yet.

I can hardly believe I only have one more chemo treatment. I didn't think it would end so soon. It's like the time just flew by. It was nothing I expected at all but at the same time it was. I learned a lot of things that I didn't think I would. My chemo center is a happy place for me. It's bright, lots of light, good nurses, cheerful patients, and very comfy chairs. For as long as I have to sit there, I'm very glad for my comfy chair there. If only the students from the massage school had come back and offered to massage my feet every time then it would have been perfect.