Wordless Wednesday

Yes, I know it's supposed to be wordless today, but I need to explain it. When I was going through chemo last year, my family went to the Portland Rose Garden to see all the roses in bloom. My husband took the girls to see something and I sat down in the Shakespeare Garden for a break. I was tired and felt a bit weak. But I sat on this bench in the picture and felt like I belonged there. It wasn't too hot, the wind was blowing gently, and I was in the shade. I instantly felt happy and at peace. I don't know how to describe it other than to call that place My Happy Place.

My poor ring

This is an extreme close up of my wedding ring. My sweetie bought this for me the fall before we got engaged. We went to the Shane Company and just "looked" around. I found a couple that I liked and told him he had to choose the final one. On the 2nd anniversary of our first date, December 2, 1997, he proposed with this ring. I've loved it ever since. I've had it sized, soldered together, cut off my fat pregnant finger more than once, and repaired many times.

This past weekend, I turned it in yet again to the Shane Company. It used to be perfectly circular, soldered at the bottom to connect both rings together, and it has slowly bent itself out of shape. It was an odd shape, one side of one ring was bent in and you could see the other ring clearly instead of them being perfectly in sync. As you can tell from the picture, the tops of the rings are clearly separated and the ring hadn't been cleaned in a very long time.

It's not a terribly expensive ring or too fancy. Compared to some rings it might be huge or it might be just a speck on my finger. But it's mine and I love it. I had a chance to exchange it for a different band or turn in the ring and get something altogether different. I entertained the thought and decided to keep my ring just as it is and get it repaired yet again. My sweetie picked it out, gave it to me and promised to love me forever, and it's a design I don't see very often. It's my personality and it has my favorite number of bittie diamonds on both sides. I don't think I would ever change it except maybe in a few years to get a slightly bigger diamond. When I was pregnant with one of my girls, I had to have my ring cut off. I bawled like a baby on the way out the door and thought of it constantly. I didn't cry this time, but I miss it like crazy. My hand feels naked without it and there is a little white area on my finger where it normally would be. Just a few more days and I'll have it back.

I do love a lot of things, but there are very few things such as my ring that I would cry about being separated from. My sweetie and my girls are the other things. Only a few days till I get it back!!

Wordless Wednesday

A year ago this week

Well, a year ago this week I was having my last chemo appointment. The dreaded Taxol and Gemzar combo. It would wreck havoc with my bones and make it nearly impossible to walk or do anything without pain. I was finally getting the barest hint of hair after being bald for 4 months. I'm having a hard time believing it's been a year. I had a full head of hair and it's all one color again. Jason's aunt liked to experiment with colors and at one point I had my original brown hair, blond, icky darker blond, and gray hairs sneaking in. It was all growing out and since we were too afraid of burning my scalp, so she had only colored my hair about an inch out. The rest was my natural gray and brown hair. So it really was kind of hideous when it grew out a lot. But now it's all a very natural brown color and it fits me. I need to get a picture of my hair so I can have it for my album. It will be hard to cut ever since it was the hardest thing I ever had to grow.

Very late Wordless Wednesday

quality family time

I love Erma Bombeck

IF I HAD MY LIFE TO LIVE OVER - by Erma Bombeck (written after she found out she was dying from cancer).

I would have gone to bed when I was sick instead of pretending the earth would go into a holding pattern if I weren't there for the day.
I would have burned the pink candle sculpted like a rose before it melted in storage.
I would have talked less and listened more.
I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was stained, or the sofa faded.
I would have eaten the popcorn in the 'good' living room and worried much less about the dirt when someone wanted to light a fire in the fireplace.
I would have taken the time to listen to my grandfather ramble about his youth.
I would have shared more of the responsibility carried by my husband.
I would never have insisted the car windows be rolled up on a summer day because my hair had just been teased and sprayed.
I would have sat on the lawn with my grass stains.
I would have cried and laughed less while watching television and more while watching life.
I would never have bought anything just b ecause it was practical, wouldn't show soil, or was guaranteed to last a lifetime.
Instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy, I'd have cherished every moment and realized that the wonderment growing inside me was the only chance in life to assist God in a miracle.
When my kids kissed me impetuously, I would never have said, "Later. Now go get washed up for dinner."
There would have been more "I love you's" More "I'm sorry's."
But mostly, given another shot at life, I would seize every minute...look at it and really see it .. ... live it and never give it back. STOP SWEATING THE SMALL STUFF!!!
Don't worry about who doesn't like you, who has more, or who's doing what. Instead, let's cherish the relationships we have with those who do love us. Let's think about what God HAS blessed us with , and what we are doing each day to promote ourselves mentally, physically, emotionally.

11 Things Never to Say to a Cancer Patient

This is for all the dingbats out there or people without a clue. For those that are well meaning and have my best interests at heart, ignore this. A fellow breast cancer survivor wrote this. I don't agree with all of it, but the majority I do.

11 Things Never to Say to a Cancer Patient:

1.) WOW! You have hair. While we know that you mean this as a compliment, what you’re really saying is: “Hey, last time I saw you, you were bald. Now, not so much.” Yeah, thanks. Don’t take us back to remembering the treatment that caused us to be bald.

2.) I KNOW EXACTLY HOW YOU FEEL! Really? You do? Unless you are a fellow Cancer patient, we’d really appreciate some “I imagine you feel. . .” or “I am certain that’s frustrating” like comments, because you don’t have a clue.

3.) You don’t LOOK sick. Awesome. That’s the WELL look I was going for. I have good days and bad days. By the way, you don’t LOOK stupid.

4.) (See number 3) Wow. I thought people got thin/lost weight during chemo. Yeah, see they used to—and now we have steroids that help with the nausea. . .so lots of us actually GAIN weight. How thoughtful of you to point it out!

5.) Any form of: “Your Oncologist/Doctors aren’t doing the right thing; I think you should take XYZ treatment.” Wow. You went to medical school in the past four weeks since I’ve seen you? Every form of cancer and every case is different. Treatments are tailored to our individual needs. Please don’t undermine my team.

6.) What you really need is a JUICER. Juice saved my life! I am so glad you’re feeling healthy. Some cancer patients can’t eat raw veggies, and if you keep pushing this $200+ machine on me, I might stick that cucumber somewhere you don’t want it.

7.) Vitamin C, Vitamin K, Vitamin E, SOY! Vitamin C is water soluble so any you don’t need, you pee out. Too much Vitamin E inhibits an antioxidant’s ability to rid the body of bad cells . . . and I’d hate for that blueberry juice I’ve been drinking in massive quantities (see number 6) not to work! SOY is a natural form of estrogen which feeds many breast cancers. So, it could be dangerous.

8.) When are you going back to work? You know what, I would give ANYTHING to feel up to a full eight hours around the water cooler with people who aren’t sticking me with needles etc. . . but right now I still need a nap around 3:00 PM everyday. And I don’t see me pulling a “George Castanza” under my desk.

9.) Are you gonna eat that? Sure as heck am. See sometimes when your tastes change due to all these meds you can’t eat anything, or your former favorite things, so right now, I’m going to eat what sounds/tastes good. If cancer isn’t going to kill me, neither will this Little Debbie.

10.) Wow, you are pretty brave to get such a haircut!".good ever lovin grief. I had all this wonderful hair...randomly I got up one morning and shaved my head...thats right, because I'm daring and edgy and brave...hated to buy shampoo, didn't like to comb...tired of coloring....ugh.

11.)"You have to think positive/It's all about positive thinking/Attitude is one of the main reasons why people beat this" No I don't and no it's not. It's basically luck and alot of toxic crap. I wonder if anyone has ever done a study on the life expectancies of happy clowns that i can retort with?

Portland GNO

I got together with some online friends this past week. We met up at the Portland temple and walked around taking pictures in the twilight. Then we made a quick trip to Trader Joes and off to The Cheesecake Factory. Alaina, Lisa, Lis, and I had a blast. We started talking and gossiping and laughing and have a wonderful time. The cheesecake was so good and the conversation was even better. I haven't laughed that hard in ages. We all got along so well and had similiar thoughts and feelings about various things. We thought it would be fun to get some pictures and we were giggly and being silly. It was late at night and it was at Washington Square Mall. We got out a small quilt and laid it in the parking lot. We put our heads together and attempted to take pictures of ourselves. Very few came out okay since we were laughing so hard. Here's my attempt. Ignore the ugly braces and the fact that I cut someone's head off.

Wordless Wednesday

Wordless Wednesday

More ramblings

More about my friend diagnosed with breast cancer. Becky is a good friend of mine growing up. We lived 3 blocks away from each other and are about 6 months apart in age. She was just diagnosed with breast cancer and will be having a double mastectomy on Monday. I know 4 lymph nodes are positive for cancer and it has only affected one side. The other side will be a prophylactic surgery with immediate reconstruction. I don't know what other treatment she will have.

I made some more raspberry freezer jam today. We bought a flat from Hartnell Farms in Portland. Technically, we got them for free. Thanks to that humiliating WIC program we are apart of, we got $20 in farmer's market coupons. I've been craving raspberries and wanted to use my coupons to get some berries and make some more freezer jam. So we searched for this farm that my friend V and I had been to before and picked raspberries with our families. I vaguely remember being about to use WIC coupons there, so I thought it would be fun to try again. A jam flat was $20 which is exactly what I had in coupons. Very nice. Then I had a gift card that a friend had sent me in the mail for Walmart. We went there and bought the sugar, pectin, and small freezer containers to make the jam. All of this and it didn't cost us a dime!! I was so giddy and excited after getting the berries. I wanted to race home and make everything. We waited until today and made a ton of it. Chloe helped me and it feels great to have all those containers sitting on the table. So much fun in fact, that I called the farm today and asked if they had marionberries in flats. They did! So we went for a little ride and bought a flat of berries and I'm making marionberry freezer jam after church tomorrow.

Relay for Life experience

So I went and did the Vancouver Relay for Life at Columbia River High school. I went last year and it was a pretty emotional event because I was just going through treatment and kind of weak. This year I went and while it felt great to be with other survivors, I didn't feel a super deep connection with it like I did last year.

An explanation is in order I think. Relay for Life is an event sponsored by the American Cancer Society (ACS) where you have teams of people walking for 24 hours. All proceeds goes to the ACS. There has to be at least one person from your team walking on the track for 24 hours and you are carrying a baton since you are in a "relay". It seems that everyone usually has a sign up list of who will walk when. You try to raise money beforehand or your team can hold a raffle and make money that way. The survivors all wear purple survivor shirts, the caretakers wear white, and the team leaders had bright ugly orange shirts. That way you can see who is who.

There was a group photo of all the survivors to start things off. Then the survivor lap where all the survivors walk around the track and all the teams stand on the sidelines and cheer the survivors on. Last year it was crazy emotional and I bawled. I had to have Jason walk with me. This year, I found my friend Tonya from chemo and walked the lap and chatted the entire time. I was so glad to see her, it's been since December or November since I saw her last when we were going through radiation together.

I had signed up through the internet to be apart of my cancer doctor's team, Northwest Cancer Specialists. I was stupid and didn't contact the team leader till a couple of days before the event. Then I found out that the rest of the team was from the office and they were all communicating via office email and everything had been planned out and I was unintentionally excluded. No one had me signed up to walk, I didn't bring anything, and nobody really talked to me all day.

Will finish later. I can't concentrate. I just found out my childhood friend who is the same age as I am was diagnosed with breast cancer.

Wordless Wednesday

Wordless Wednesday

Reconstructive surgeon visit and physical therapist visit

So I have to shop around for a new reconstructive surgeon. My original one stopped taking my insurance so I had to find someone else. I wouldn't be able to do anything till I've been out of treatment for a year to give my skin time to heal from radiation. I didn't want to wait till the last minute before choosing one, so I've been searching for awhile now. I didn't realize that there are very few surgeons in the area that will do the reconstruction I want to do. I was told initially that trying to have an implant again was out of the question, but maybe not. As fun as the last experience was, I'm not ready to do it again. It was incredibly painful and it didn't work.

So I feel like I'm going through the yellow pages trying to find someone that will work with my insurance. I thought I had one, but they only take a certain type of insurance plan and that happens to be the one I don't have. So I find someone else. I find out she has a website and I go check it out. It's very sleek and very beautiful and shows before and after pictures of the surgery I want. I had high hopes. Then I found out she only works out of a hospital that I'm leery of and it's way out in Beaverton. Even in good traffic, it's a ways out there. But I go to meet her anyways because I forgot I made the appointment till the reminder call and I had nothing to lose. It would be nice to get another opinion.

I hadn't thought of this before, but every person I dealt with at Dr. Waldorf's office was very pretty. I guess it wouldn't do to have an ugly person working at a plastic surgeon's office. That's intimidating. Plus the fact that I had the directions backwards and was nearly 20 minutes late. I've NEVER been late to a single appointment ever. So it wasn't starting off well. I finally get to meet the doctor and the way she talks and her attitude is very uncomfortable. She did have tons of knowledge and she does 8-10 of them a month. She does the tram flap, but not the free tram flap. Anyways, I felt like I was almost disturbing her and that she had quite the ego and how dare I question her or not accept everything she had to say. But I was nervous and maybe I'm imagining things. Most doctors I've dealt with have been very kind and I guess it's normal to have one that's not that way. I left with good information but still not 100% happy with her as a surgeon.

I've been having slight swelling with my right hand. The back of it and two of my fingers are slightly swollen. So when I saw Dr. Schneider last week I mentioned it to him and I called this week again and they set it up for me to see a lymphedema physical therapist in the breast center at the hospital. I went to SWMC (St Joe's) to have my surgeries and the breast center was in a wing of that hospital. I felt like I was coming home. I've had 5 surgeries here including my csections. They finished remodeling the hospital and adding a huge new section in January.

So I go there and meet with John. After Dr. Waldorf's visit this week, I was kind of nervous to get a doctor like here again. Full of herself and ego driven. John was great! It was a relief. I'm terrified of lymphedema and he explained everything out for me. He asked questions, measured my fingers individually, then my wrist, the back of my hand, and then different points up my arm. He showed my a couple of exercises to strengthen my pectoral muscles which I haven't done since my surgery. I know it's my fault for not seeking it, but I've not done any stretching muscles to strengthen and stretch my right side where I had surgery.

John and I talked and I could open up and ask questions that I didn't feel good about asking with Dr. Waldorf. He made me feel completely at ease. Bad news is that I definitely have lymphedema, it's just not bad yet. It's completely manageable and although it will be a hassle, it won't ruin my life. I have to wear a glove every day as soon as I get up and only take it off at night. I have a glove, but it's not a custom fit and it's as blah and beige and medical looking as they come. Plus, it doesn't leave my fingertips free and makes my right hand useless since I can't pick up any small things or grip anything with my fingers. I want to hit www.lymphedivas.com and order a good fitted gauntlet. They need more fabrics though. lol I go back in a week to see John's partner Jody and hopefully get fitted for a gauntlet.

Radiation oncologist appointment today

I had my 6 month visit from Dr. Schneider, my radiation oncologist. I can't believe it's been over 6 months since I finished rads. Scary in a way. I was looking forward to this appointment in a way. When I'm physically doing something towards healing myself, it's easier to handle. Otherwise I feel like I'm in the dark and don't know what to do next. With active treatment, you know that this appointment will happen, this test will be done, I can expect this surgery, etc. When you go months at a time without doing anything, it's freaking scary. How do I know that breast cancer isn't just waiting for me around the corner?

So I go to the appointment with high hopes and a good attitude. The nurse starts asking me normal questions about how I'm doing and my good attitude starts to go down the drain. I get more and more down. Dr. Schneider comes in and does the exam and it goes well. Everything is fine, nothing to be concerned about. He asks lots of questions and I tell him I've decided against reconstruction at this time because I've been given the impression from my dh and family that they don't want me to do it. I need their support to do this and they would give it if I asked, but not willingly. I want them to want it for me and they aren't able to do this. Plus the fact that even with insurance, we can't really afford it. It almost seems like a luxury right now. I'm able to live without out, though not happily. The doctor was concerned about my choice regarding this. He asked if Jason and I have had counseling or if at least I have. After my initial visit with the cancer counselor at Cancer Care Resourses, I haven't been back. It's hard for me to open up to someone who knows nothing about me. They don't know my beliefs or anything. If I ever find a counselor through LDSFS that gets the cancer thing, I'll be there.

Next the doctor figured that I was going to be up for my annual mammagram in September and he set that up. It's hard to believe that it's almost been a year since my last one. Then he is setting me up to visit with a physical therapist with specialties in lymphedema. A couple of fingers on my affected side have been a bit swollen on the lower half of my finger since September and he wants to make sure that I have it looked at and to basically educate me on what to expect and what to look for. I'm simply terrified of getting it. I've seen one woman with a horrible case and I'm extremely careful but not too knowledgable on it. So Dr. Schneider set me up with all these appointments and I'm ready to go.

But I'm so dang depressed!!! I leave and I'm just in a nasty depressed funk the rest of the day. I want to cry constantly and I want to be mothered and taken care of. I finally figured it out. I was fine till I got to the doctor's office which is where I went for all my treatments, both chemo and radiation. I had tons of bloodwork there, xrays, shots, IVs, etc. I've been poked, prodded, pictured, radiated, filled with poison, etc. So no wonder I get depressed going there! I associate that place with pain and suffering and depression. Sooooooo many memories when I walk through that door.

I'm also struggling in another way. I am on a private board where I feel I'm known simply as that chick with breast cancer. In a way it's great because I'm emailed constantly with ladies who are scared about a lump they find and they ask questions. I'm so glad they do that and feel comfortable with me. I find out when a sister or a mother or other family member has been hit with breast cancer. I'm so glad I can help with questions or concerns or anything they need. But in another way, it's so damn hard. I know all the wonderful clinical trials going on to find new meds and treatments for women with breast cancer but every day more and more women are being diagnosed with it. With every announcement of someone I know being diagnosed, I take it personally and become so depressed. One with a reaccurance, one with mets, one with a lumpectomy, or one with something else. It's heartbreaking! The women on my breast cancer board I'm especially close to. It hurts me terribly to hear someone else who has developed mets or has lost the battle to kill the beast. I literally feel another piece of my heart just break off.

Wordless Wednesday

I have an oncologist appointment this morning. Plus, this was my hairdo a year ago on July 18th.

Momentary lapse of control

I'm a stinking mess right now. There are so many things I'm struggling with and worried about. I'm trying to be strong and brave and this stupid thing makes me sit here with tears running down my face.

I miss my cleavage!!! Huge and pain in the ass that it was, I miss having two boobies. I miss looking down and seeing them squished together in a bra. I miss wearing a nice V neck shirt that showed a tiny bit of skin and made me feel good about my top half. Just leaning on my elbows with my chin in one hand and looking down and seeing a nice view that I can offer my dh. It's something so completely selfish with what I'm worrying about. But maybe because it's so small compared to some other stuff that is making it easier to be upset about. I have one nicely shaped left boob and the other side is a lumpy carved out radiated scarred chest wall with a cotton stuffed in my bra to try and make me look even. I hate it. I hate my body and how it looks now. I just sick of what this stupid disease has made me into.

Wordless Wednesday

Yes, I realize this is late. Do you know which child is mine?

I joined the Relay for Life for Vancouver!

Holy cow. It was an amazing experience last year and I wasn't in a position to participate but I am now. I shakily signed up to be a part of a team that is trying to raise money for the American Cancer Society. I went last year and walked in the Survivor's Lap and I just bawled. It was such a powerful feeling. I know I won't be able to walk 24 hours worth, but the goal is to have one member of each team on the track for at least 24 hours. I want to help. I want to decorate a luminaria and do something. I'll have more information coming when I have it. But if anyone is interested in learning more, I have a link for more info. Just go to this link and find out what you need to find out. Thanks for looking!

Support me in my Relay for Life!!https://www.kintera.org/faf/donorReg/donorPledge.asp?ievent=191640&lis=1&kntae191640=473919F646B04EF08643EEE458BB2E2F&supId=181388527