Ohhhhhh, the humiliation and pain

I completely embarrassed myself today. I haven't done something like this in many many years.

L and I walk to school to pick up C every day. We have to walk through a "park" to get there first. Since we are so close, I wore a hoodie and capris and my fake crocs from Payless. It started to sprinkle on the way home and to get the girls moving, I started to run and tease the girls. L was chasing me and I started jogging backwards to stay out of her way and keep an eye on her. BIG mistake. I got that feeling where you know you're going to fall. I turned around and did those big crazy steps to try and stop myself from going down. It didn't work. I fell flat on my face and I got a mouthful of grass. It got caught in my braces too. Blech. I actually first hit my knees, then my left chest and shoulder area and then my face. My glasses fell off and got twisted up, I hit all up the left side of my face pretty bad, and that's when I got a mouthful of grass. I was able to wrangle my glasses into a reasonable shape and attempted to get the grass out of my braces. I tried to dust myself off and get up. That's when my face started to hurt, my knees began to ache, and my pride was long gone.

When you dive face first into the ground, you lose all your pride. It was worse because all the elementary kids had been let out and were walking home across the park too and I know they all saw me take the dive. So I got up and walked home trying not to make a big deal out of it. But as I sit here writing this, my face is scrapped and bright red on my left cheek up to my temple and it feels like my right knee is swollen and my body just hurts. Poor C felt terrible and wanted to cry and L said she would take care of me. I just wanted to hide for a minute and cry. Ahhh!!!!!

I love soup making season

Click to play | Make your own Smilebox

My little SHOCK of the week

A while back on an internet board I belong to, someone mentioned I should write to the Ensign magazine with my experience with breast cancer. I don't know if it was made in jest or not, but it sounded like fun. So I went to www.lds.org for fun and submitted my story to the Ensign as an idea for a little article. I sent it via email and promptly forgot about it. A few weeks later, I get an email from them saying that they want to purchase my manuscript for the article. HOLY FREAK!!!!! I was really surprised. Then I read the email again and saw that they wanted me to fill out some paperwork and return it to them promptly so they could send me a check. Again, HOLY FREAK!!! I didn't know that they gave money for little things people wrote for that magazine. It never even occurred to me at all and it wasn't the reason I sent it in in the first place. I asked a friend on the internet and she says they do pay for stories and articles, depending on the length and the topic. So I looked a third time on the email and it shows they will pay me $100 for it. Wowzers, I was in shock. My friend warned me again that just because they buy it, doesn't mean that they will publish it right away or even ever! Still, it's nice to dream and it doesn't really matter if they do. They paid me for it!!!!!! Whoo hooo!!!!

Wordless Wednesday

Showing off my new habit, knitting hats. Thank you Knifty Knitters!!

Calgon, take me away!!

I've reached the wall tonight. The point where I want to give up and go home. I'm an emotional person and I'm not terribly spiritual and I use this blog to have my own little personal tantrum. When I'm done with my tantrum, I'm better and able to handle things in a much better mood. So when I talk, I get my innermost private thoughts out and while it may sound terrible sometimes, most of the time I have control and these thoughts and feelings are in a locked way corner of my brain and I don't like to let them out.

Having said that, I want to quit. I don't want to be a grownup anymore. I want to go back to being a child again where if I was sick or scared, I could most likely get a hug and a kiss from my mom and could go to bed and get better. It really sucks to be an adult. I've made lots of bad choices and feel incredible guilt for things beyond my control.

I wish I could go back and make better choices about my education. I wish I had stuck to my schooling and gotten a degree in something, anything! I wish I had been better instead of not finishing because I sucked at school and didn't know what I wanted to be. Maybe then, we would not be so completely tight for money.

I wish I had never ever ever gotten a credit card. No one made me spend money, I did that myself and now I am really paying for it.

I wish that I had a better control over my bad temper. My family is suffering and I'm not helping make things better with my lousy nasty temper. I know what it feels like to grow up feeling like crap and I don't want my children to feel the same way. I'm afraid I'm not succeeding there.

I wish to heaven that I had never discovered that stupid lump in my breast. I'm glad I did for my health, but I royally screwed up our financial situation. It's so dang expensive, even with insurance. My operation to cut off my breast was easily over $35,000 and that's not including the surgeons's fees. I've lost count of how many copays and prescriptions I've paid. I know one shot of Neulasta that I would get after every chemo appointment is $6000. I had 8 chemo treatments and then I had other shots to raise my wbc counts. Yes, insurance paid the lion's share of the bills, but still that's a huge amount to cover. It feels like we will never recover. I'm humiliated to have to ask for help. Help from our church and even worse, to ask our parents for help.

My inlaws haven't asked how we are in ages. If it doesn't involve them directly, they don't care. They have no clue how badly we are struggling financially and they won't unless they ask how we are and they don't ask that. If they don't ask, that's one less thing for them to have to deal with. And heaven knows they will do anything on earth to avoid conflict. I don't want my girls over there for awhile. So much is happening at their home that I don't want my girls near it. But that's a whole other story.

We took our poor Saturn into the mechanic for the every 3ooo mile oil change. Went fine, got in the car, heard a noise, drove less than a block and it's started making a sputtering noise. I limp back into the parking lot to find out that a spark plug blew. 3 mechanics are looking at it and scratching their heads in amazement at how it broke off so oddly. 4 new sparkplugs and wires later and my car is back. But not until I have my father pick me up in Sellwood and bring me home. He came from Vancouver to do this and it's easily a 30 minute drive one way. More drama, lots more money we don't have. This car better stay in good shape.

So there's my whine. I quit, I want to run away, I want to take my percoset and take a nice long drug induced nap.

Wordless Wednesday

My baby's first day of 1st grade.

Wordless Wednesday

Yes, I know it's supposed to be wordless today, but I need to explain it. When I was going through chemo last year, my family went to the Portland Rose Garden to see all the roses in bloom. My husband took the girls to see something and I sat down in the Shakespeare Garden for a break. I was tired and felt a bit weak. But I sat on this bench in the picture and felt like I belonged there. It wasn't too hot, the wind was blowing gently, and I was in the shade. I instantly felt happy and at peace. I don't know how to describe it other than to call that place My Happy Place.

My poor ring

This is an extreme close up of my wedding ring. My sweetie bought this for me the fall before we got engaged. We went to the Shane Company and just "looked" around. I found a couple that I liked and told him he had to choose the final one. On the 2nd anniversary of our first date, December 2, 1997, he proposed with this ring. I've loved it ever since. I've had it sized, soldered together, cut off my fat pregnant finger more than once, and repaired many times.

This past weekend, I turned it in yet again to the Shane Company. It used to be perfectly circular, soldered at the bottom to connect both rings together, and it has slowly bent itself out of shape. It was an odd shape, one side of one ring was bent in and you could see the other ring clearly instead of them being perfectly in sync. As you can tell from the picture, the tops of the rings are clearly separated and the ring hadn't been cleaned in a very long time.

It's not a terribly expensive ring or too fancy. Compared to some rings it might be huge or it might be just a speck on my finger. But it's mine and I love it. I had a chance to exchange it for a different band or turn in the ring and get something altogether different. I entertained the thought and decided to keep my ring just as it is and get it repaired yet again. My sweetie picked it out, gave it to me and promised to love me forever, and it's a design I don't see very often. It's my personality and it has my favorite number of bittie diamonds on both sides. I don't think I would ever change it except maybe in a few years to get a slightly bigger diamond. When I was pregnant with one of my girls, I had to have my ring cut off. I bawled like a baby on the way out the door and thought of it constantly. I didn't cry this time, but I miss it like crazy. My hand feels naked without it and there is a little white area on my finger where it normally would be. Just a few more days and I'll have it back.

I do love a lot of things, but there are very few things such as my ring that I would cry about being separated from. My sweetie and my girls are the other things. Only a few days till I get it back!!

Wordless Wednesday

A year ago this week

Well, a year ago this week I was having my last chemo appointment. The dreaded Taxol and Gemzar combo. It would wreck havoc with my bones and make it nearly impossible to walk or do anything without pain. I was finally getting the barest hint of hair after being bald for 4 months. I'm having a hard time believing it's been a year. I had a full head of hair and it's all one color again. Jason's aunt liked to experiment with colors and at one point I had my original brown hair, blond, icky darker blond, and gray hairs sneaking in. It was all growing out and since we were too afraid of burning my scalp, so she had only colored my hair about an inch out. The rest was my natural gray and brown hair. So it really was kind of hideous when it grew out a lot. But now it's all a very natural brown color and it fits me. I need to get a picture of my hair so I can have it for my album. It will be hard to cut ever since it was the hardest thing I ever had to grow.

Very late Wordless Wednesday

quality family time

I love Erma Bombeck

IF I HAD MY LIFE TO LIVE OVER - by Erma Bombeck (written after she found out she was dying from cancer).

I would have gone to bed when I was sick instead of pretending the earth would go into a holding pattern if I weren't there for the day.
I would have burned the pink candle sculpted like a rose before it melted in storage.
I would have talked less and listened more.
I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was stained, or the sofa faded.
I would have eaten the popcorn in the 'good' living room and worried much less about the dirt when someone wanted to light a fire in the fireplace.
I would have taken the time to listen to my grandfather ramble about his youth.
I would have shared more of the responsibility carried by my husband.
I would never have insisted the car windows be rolled up on a summer day because my hair had just been teased and sprayed.
I would have sat on the lawn with my grass stains.
I would have cried and laughed less while watching television and more while watching life.
I would never have bought anything just b ecause it was practical, wouldn't show soil, or was guaranteed to last a lifetime.
Instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy, I'd have cherished every moment and realized that the wonderment growing inside me was the only chance in life to assist God in a miracle.
When my kids kissed me impetuously, I would never have said, "Later. Now go get washed up for dinner."
There would have been more "I love you's" More "I'm sorry's."
But mostly, given another shot at life, I would seize every minute...look at it and really see it .. ... live it and never give it back. STOP SWEATING THE SMALL STUFF!!!
Don't worry about who doesn't like you, who has more, or who's doing what. Instead, let's cherish the relationships we have with those who do love us. Let's think about what God HAS blessed us with , and what we are doing each day to promote ourselves mentally, physically, emotionally.

11 Things Never to Say to a Cancer Patient

This is for all the dingbats out there or people without a clue. For those that are well meaning and have my best interests at heart, ignore this. A fellow breast cancer survivor wrote this. I don't agree with all of it, but the majority I do.

11 Things Never to Say to a Cancer Patient:

1.) WOW! You have hair. While we know that you mean this as a compliment, what you’re really saying is: “Hey, last time I saw you, you were bald. Now, not so much.” Yeah, thanks. Don’t take us back to remembering the treatment that caused us to be bald.

2.) I KNOW EXACTLY HOW YOU FEEL! Really? You do? Unless you are a fellow Cancer patient, we’d really appreciate some “I imagine you feel. . .” or “I am certain that’s frustrating” like comments, because you don’t have a clue.

3.) You don’t LOOK sick. Awesome. That’s the WELL look I was going for. I have good days and bad days. By the way, you don’t LOOK stupid.

4.) (See number 3) Wow. I thought people got thin/lost weight during chemo. Yeah, see they used to—and now we have steroids that help with the nausea. . .so lots of us actually GAIN weight. How thoughtful of you to point it out!

5.) Any form of: “Your Oncologist/Doctors aren’t doing the right thing; I think you should take XYZ treatment.” Wow. You went to medical school in the past four weeks since I’ve seen you? Every form of cancer and every case is different. Treatments are tailored to our individual needs. Please don’t undermine my team.

6.) What you really need is a JUICER. Juice saved my life! I am so glad you’re feeling healthy. Some cancer patients can’t eat raw veggies, and if you keep pushing this $200+ machine on me, I might stick that cucumber somewhere you don’t want it.

7.) Vitamin C, Vitamin K, Vitamin E, SOY! Vitamin C is water soluble so any you don’t need, you pee out. Too much Vitamin E inhibits an antioxidant’s ability to rid the body of bad cells . . . and I’d hate for that blueberry juice I’ve been drinking in massive quantities (see number 6) not to work! SOY is a natural form of estrogen which feeds many breast cancers. So, it could be dangerous.

8.) When are you going back to work? You know what, I would give ANYTHING to feel up to a full eight hours around the water cooler with people who aren’t sticking me with needles etc. . . but right now I still need a nap around 3:00 PM everyday. And I don’t see me pulling a “George Castanza” under my desk.

9.) Are you gonna eat that? Sure as heck am. See sometimes when your tastes change due to all these meds you can’t eat anything, or your former favorite things, so right now, I’m going to eat what sounds/tastes good. If cancer isn’t going to kill me, neither will this Little Debbie.

10.) Wow, you are pretty brave to get such a haircut!".good ever lovin grief. I had all this wonderful hair...randomly I got up one morning and shaved my head...thats right, because I'm daring and edgy and brave...hated to buy shampoo, didn't like to comb...tired of coloring....ugh.

11.)"You have to think positive/It's all about positive thinking/Attitude is one of the main reasons why people beat this" No I don't and no it's not. It's basically luck and alot of toxic crap. I wonder if anyone has ever done a study on the life expectancies of happy clowns that i can retort with?

Portland GNO

I got together with some online friends this past week. We met up at the Portland temple and walked around taking pictures in the twilight. Then we made a quick trip to Trader Joes and off to The Cheesecake Factory. Alaina, Lisa, Lis, and I had a blast. We started talking and gossiping and laughing and have a wonderful time. The cheesecake was so good and the conversation was even better. I haven't laughed that hard in ages. We all got along so well and had similiar thoughts and feelings about various things. We thought it would be fun to get some pictures and we were giggly and being silly. It was late at night and it was at Washington Square Mall. We got out a small quilt and laid it in the parking lot. We put our heads together and attempted to take pictures of ourselves. Very few came out okay since we were laughing so hard. Here's my attempt. Ignore the ugly braces and the fact that I cut someone's head off.

Wordless Wednesday

Wordless Wednesday

More ramblings

More about my friend diagnosed with breast cancer. Becky is a good friend of mine growing up. We lived 3 blocks away from each other and are about 6 months apart in age. She was just diagnosed with breast cancer and will be having a double mastectomy on Monday. I know 4 lymph nodes are positive for cancer and it has only affected one side. The other side will be a prophylactic surgery with immediate reconstruction. I don't know what other treatment she will have.

I made some more raspberry freezer jam today. We bought a flat from Hartnell Farms in Portland. Technically, we got them for free. Thanks to that humiliating WIC program we are apart of, we got $20 in farmer's market coupons. I've been craving raspberries and wanted to use my coupons to get some berries and make some more freezer jam. So we searched for this farm that my friend V and I had been to before and picked raspberries with our families. I vaguely remember being about to use WIC coupons there, so I thought it would be fun to try again. A jam flat was $20 which is exactly what I had in coupons. Very nice. Then I had a gift card that a friend had sent me in the mail for Walmart. We went there and bought the sugar, pectin, and small freezer containers to make the jam. All of this and it didn't cost us a dime!! I was so giddy and excited after getting the berries. I wanted to race home and make everything. We waited until today and made a ton of it. Chloe helped me and it feels great to have all those containers sitting on the table. So much fun in fact, that I called the farm today and asked if they had marionberries in flats. They did! So we went for a little ride and bought a flat of berries and I'm making marionberry freezer jam after church tomorrow.

Relay for Life experience

So I went and did the Vancouver Relay for Life at Columbia River High school. I went last year and it was a pretty emotional event because I was just going through treatment and kind of weak. This year I went and while it felt great to be with other survivors, I didn't feel a super deep connection with it like I did last year.

An explanation is in order I think. Relay for Life is an event sponsored by the American Cancer Society (ACS) where you have teams of people walking for 24 hours. All proceeds goes to the ACS. There has to be at least one person from your team walking on the track for 24 hours and you are carrying a baton since you are in a "relay". It seems that everyone usually has a sign up list of who will walk when. You try to raise money beforehand or your team can hold a raffle and make money that way. The survivors all wear purple survivor shirts, the caretakers wear white, and the team leaders had bright ugly orange shirts. That way you can see who is who.

There was a group photo of all the survivors to start things off. Then the survivor lap where all the survivors walk around the track and all the teams stand on the sidelines and cheer the survivors on. Last year it was crazy emotional and I bawled. I had to have Jason walk with me. This year, I found my friend Tonya from chemo and walked the lap and chatted the entire time. I was so glad to see her, it's been since December or November since I saw her last when we were going through radiation together.

I had signed up through the internet to be apart of my cancer doctor's team, Northwest Cancer Specialists. I was stupid and didn't contact the team leader till a couple of days before the event. Then I found out that the rest of the team was from the office and they were all communicating via office email and everything had been planned out and I was unintentionally excluded. No one had me signed up to walk, I didn't bring anything, and nobody really talked to me all day.

Will finish later. I can't concentrate. I just found out my childhood friend who is the same age as I am was diagnosed with breast cancer.

Wordless Wednesday

Wordless Wednesday