I'm totally panicking

I sent out invitations for my Scentsy party and out of all the ones I sent, I've only gotten word on about 4 of them. I'm totally nervous and scared for this party and worried that no one will show up. My mil is coming and I wanted to impress her with how I handle this. My mom's coming and I had a couple of orders from the ladies on my breast cancer board. I am pouring myself into this and thinking of everything about this party 24/7. I initially wanted to just earn the money back for the kit, but now I'm really hoping it takes off.

Rachel, just by the way. If you want to order something, I'll order it, you send me the money, and I'll ship it to you in Australia. It might not make it by Christmas, but if we want to pay the extra money to make it go faster, it might work. Let me know what you think.

This and That, mostly Scentsy stuff

I feel like a little kid in a candy store. I got my consultant kit the other day from Scentsy and I've been consumed with it. Naturally, I've already misplaced my consultant guide but I can download that from the internet. And I've discovered something else. You can get a headache from smelling too many candles smells. I got 80 little jars of candle testers. They are about the size of baby food jars ad each one is a different scent. I got a candle warmer and one bar and immediately put it to work. I was given the Clove & Cinnamon bar in my kit and it smells like heaven. I like my warmer too, it's the black with raised white dots on it and it's much bigger than I would have thought. Now I go through the catalog and try to decide which ones I want to buy. I have about 3 that I really like and one I want to get that has sentimental reasons. I won't get it now because we already have a black one that came with the kit. The girls on my breast cancer board use the dragonfly as part of the symbolism there and it just means a lot. When one lady has lost her battle, everyone lights a candle that night in memory and to help guide her towards heaven. So I thought it would be nice to get the dragonfly warmer but I'm not sure I can handle the sentimentalism that comes with it now.

It's been super hard lately on that board. Two recent ladies have past on, several more have been diagnosed with mets. One lady in particular that I've known since I've been on there found out that it has spread throughout her body. I want to be a part of all this and I don't. So I'm kind of taking it easy on that board and not posting as much. I don't know quite where I fit in. I'm not "actively" going through treatment like someone with chemo and radiation would. But I'm on tamoxifen and still doing some type of treatment. Though others look at me and it appears that I'm done. But I'm not even though I'm expected to be since I look like it. So hard sometimes.

I'm taking the Scentsy plunge

I've succombed to the evil forces. I can't believe I'm doing this, but I'm taking a deep breath, putting my head up high, and going forth. I just purchased my starter kit for Scentsy products. Ahhhhhh!!! I'm scared of standing up in front of anyone and talking about anything. I don't know why I'm doing this, but at the same time, I'm also super excited. My friend Emily in Idaho got me hooked on it and I'm going to attempt to at least pay back and earn enough to recover the cost of the starter kit. It's an interesting concept. No open flames, no wicks, no burnt fingers or tipped over candles and potential fires. I'm happy about the more intense smells but no fires. Now I just need to decide which scents I want for my own. Anyways, I'm going to stumble through this and see how I do. If anyone is interested, I'm including my humble website for anyone wanting to take a peek. Just search through the catalog and email for any questions.

http://www.scentsy.com/heidis

Pray I don't fall flat on my face. ;)

Nothing like a little scare to get your heart racing

I haven't had an annual exam in probably two years with everything going on. So I scheduled one and went yesterday. I got to see my favorite doctor, Dr. Susan Hughes, the bestest doctor anywhere, any time, in every way. So we start off with a hug and she asks how things are. She knows all of my family fairly well. Things are going great until we get to the usual breast exam. She's doing it and feels something that's not right. On my left breast underneath about 8 'oclock if you were looking straight on at it. With my history now, nothing is left to chance. She immediately sent in papers for a breast ultrasound up at the radiologist office next to the hospital.

I got lucky and had it scheduled at 9:30am this morning. I wish I hadn't said anything to anyone but Jason. It just gets people upset now with each additional appointment. I appreciate the concern, but it really was okay. But anyways, my mom meets me there and I go right in. I could see the whole thing and how interesting it looks on the little screen. It's like watching white cobwebs on a black background. Anyways, the tech couldn't find anything and neither did the doctor who checked on it. Everything's good so I feel fine about it. I do go see my oncologist on the day before Thanksgiving and will let him know I had this done so if he wants me to have further tests, I can get it done.

I was so mentally prepared for anything. I was really calm and not too worried at all. Such a nice change for once.

Hand me some cheese to go with this whine...

I need to get back on a regular schedule of taking my depression meds. I'm sliding downward and I need to claw my way out before I get in too deep.

I'm sitting here on a Saturday night at 8:59pm and I'm the only one awake. Dh went to go lay down with L and he was asleep before she was. I'm lonely and alone. Normally, I don't mind being alone. Tonight I do. I had a sort of anxiety attack that kind of stretched out throughout the day. I wanted to look nice for a bishopric dinner and I was worried that I wouldn't have anything to wear. First shirt emphasized every bit of fat on my torso. Then I tried another shirt that either shrunk or my arms have exploded in size because it cut into my arms. So I sat on my bed totally depressed and wanting to cry because I felt so big that I couldn't fit into any of my clothes.

I'm really struggling in all areas of my life. Spiritually, emotionally, physically, financially, etc. I would love to just be held in someone's arms and leave my worries behind for a few minutes. Not to be told I'm not doing something right or I should be doing this or what about cleaning this room, or having someone tattle on someone else. I want some flat out affection. I just want to be loved and sitting here in the dark on the computer with everyone else asleep, I don't feel it. I don't want to ask for it, I just wish it would happen. It just doesn't mean the same when you have to ask to be given a hug or a kiss.

I'm not sure what I need anymore. I really believe I'm a basketcase.

The Tooth Fairy came to our home tonight!

FINALLY!!! C has had this tooth hanging by a thread for like two weeks and she was too scared to pull it out. We've bribed, threatened, nearly forced, and pleaded to let us yank that puppy out. Didn't work. C and L were playing in the living room today when L bumped her head into C's mouth. Knocked the tooth right out and we couldn't find it anywhere. There was very little blood and C rinsed out her mouth and told me that it didn't hurt at all like I promised it wouldn't. So now she has a hole in her face and is just adorable. My big girl is growing up!! Anyways, I made up a little note and tiny envelope and slipped it under her pillow with a gold dollar inside. I can't wait for her to show me in the morning. Yay!!!!

I'll miss you Dace Wilson

Breast cancer boards are wonderful and terrible at the same time. I found a great one on the Young Survivor Coalition bulletin boards. I went to their sponsored young survivor conference in Washington, D.C. in February and had the time of my life. Met lots of wonderful people, put names to faces and screen names. Then there's the bad side of the board. A lot of the women on there are not going to grow old. They are not going to see their kids graduate high school let alone see them make it to middle school. This week has been particularly brutal on my board. A wonderful lady that just took the boards to become an oncology nurse or worker, died of breast cancer. The disease had metastized to too many places to count. There are so many people diagnosed with mets lately. Too many wonderful sweet women that did nothing wrong. They were female and had breasts, that's it. Two people in particular were just told about them having mets. Not a lot of options for them anymore.

Then in passing, a friend on the board told me that my roommate that I had at the conference in February had died. I could have fallen over. As it was, I just started to cry. I have known women online that have died and missed them, but this was the first time that I met a woman I knew personally and talked for hours that has died from this shitty disease. Dace was amazing. How we found each other was just incredible. We both got scholarships to go to this conference and were looking for roommates to share the hotel room. We hooked up and found out some really neat stuff. Though she lives in California, she graduated from my rival high school in Vancouver, WA two years before I graduated. She had two young daughters, similar in ages to my girls. We both had braces on! Just weird stuff. She was a spiritual person and that helped a lot when trying to find someone to hang with that didn't drink when everyone else was. One night at the conference, our friend Jackie, Dace, and I sat in our room and chatted till about 2-3am. You didn't even notice the time, we just could talk and talk and it was so natural feeling.

When we left the conference, we tried to keep in touch, but we both had families and lives and we drifted apart. Then I hear in the middle of a hectic family drama filled week, that she had passed away. She had inflammatory breast cancer(IBC), ductal carcinoma in situ(DCIS), and I believe it had turned into invasive ductal carcinoma(IDC). I don't know the grade and stage she was at. But it's hurting so much more than I thought it would. The people online that have passed away, you can feel bad but it doesn't hurt as much because you didn't know them. I KNEW Dace. I hugged her, talked with her, spent time with her, laughed and shared stories with her. I'm having a hard time pulling out of this.

So Dace, I'm so sorry I didn't try to stay in better touch with you. You were so gentle and kind and sweet and fun. I'm glad I got you as a roommate and could see pictures of your girls and hear about how you were doing. I'm so sorry I didn't email you more or keep in better contact. I'll miss you a bunch, you really have no idea. God bless you and your family, especially those darling girls of yours.

Dace Mines Wilson
WILSON -Dace Mines Wilson, passed away October 19, 2007. She is survived by her children, Kathryn and Kayla Wilson, her parents, Jan Beasley-Akins (Ulysses) and Arkley Mines. Her brother, Maurice Mines and sister, Virginia Mines. 3 Aunts, Collette Beasley-Harnage (Alvin) Gail Mines-Johnson and Julia Mines, her uncle, Ronald Mines, a host of other relatives and many friends. Visitation from 2:00 P.M. to 7:00 P.M. Friday, Woods-Valentine Mortuary Chapel. 1455 N. Fair Oaks Ave., Pasadena and Services 11:00 A.M. Saturday Bethlehem Church, 1550 N. Fair Oaks Ave., Pasadena. Interment, Forest Lawn Memorial Park., Hollywood Hills. Woods-Valentine Mortuary Pasadena, Directing.

Souper Wednesday

I have to thank MOF for this recipe. It's my favorite soup at Olive Garden. I tried it out this week and my girls actually ate it! That alone makes me happy.

Make your own slide shows and scrapbooks

Souper Wednesday

I love this recipe!!! I found it in Cooking for Two magazine, but it's very easy to double or even triple. I enjoy how flavorful it is too.

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A small update

My sister and a friend both recently found lumps in their breasts. It brought up a lot of memories and I was concerned about both of them. My sister had a lumpectomy and it turns out she had a fibroadema and is perfectly fine and cancer free. My friend had an ultrasound and was told that she is cancer free. I'm sooooo happy for them!!

Souper Wednesday

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De Ja Vu

Because of me, my sisters all had mammograms last year. All were fine. One sister had another mammogram this year because of a new doctor and time for that yearly mammogram. This year they found a lump that was not there last year. So tomorrow (if all goes well) she will be having a lumpectomy. It sounds like they are taking the lump out and then doing the pathology instead of doing a biopsy first. She said they would know the results by Friday.

I have a friend that's also going through a tremendous amount of family health issues. She found a lump too and is having it looked at. I'm just in shock for her. I'm in shock for both of them. It's bringing up a lot of memories again too. I hope that if they want my help or need me to answer any questions, that I can provide them with answers that can be of help. If they don't need me for that, then I hope they both know that they are in my thoughts and I'm hoping and wishing for good healthy lumpy cancer free boobies.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart

I finally got to say the biggest thank you I've been wanting to say since I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I know I've mentioned it before, but I'm going to bring it up again.

In October 2005, I was Enrichment Leader for our ward. We planned to have a couple of people from the American Cancer Society come and talk about how to do self exams and to get brochures since it was breast cancer awareness month. It was an unusual activity and I don't know if anyone had done anything like this in a while. I knew we had a couple of survivors in our ward and it just seemed like the right thing to do at the time. So we had the activity, two ladies came in and talked and it went off well. They handed out necklaces that special signifigance in relation to how big a tumor is when you get examined by a mammogram, ultrasound, MRI, or self exam. It sounds icky, but the necklaces are really nice.

So a few months went by and one of the ladies emailed me and asked me a question or something, I think to let me know about an upcoming activity the ACS was organizing. I don't think I ever emailed her back because life was busy at the time. Fast forward to March 2006. I was taking a shower and did a half hearted self exam and found a pimple at the time. I was checking it out and I could feel a lump deep in my breast. From there on, I went to various doctors till I found out I had breast cancer and life changed forever.

But it was because of that church activity that I knew more about breast cancer and had the brochures and knew what to do. It was because of those ladies coming, that things changed for me. Last October, dh would bring goodies every Friday that supported breast cancer awareness. All the Hershey Kisses in pink wrappers, Peppermint Pattys, M&Ms, etc. This year he's going to do the same thing but wanted to bring some brochures with his boss's permission.

So I called the American Cancer Society and asked if they had anything. I told them why I was calling and a little bit of my story. I told them I never got to say thank you for those ladies coming. The lady on the phone asked me to describe who the ladies were and when it was. I gave her as much information as I could recall. She knew one of the ladies and transferred me to her phone line. I started to cry but I told her my story and how I knew her. I was able to tell her thank you for coming to that activity and because of her and her work and her partner, I found my lump when I did and took care of things. It sounds silly on paper, but it meant so much to me. I couldn't remember their names, but they helped me get on the path and to know what to do when things started to happen.

So I was able to say thank you to someone that I've wanted to for 18 months. I feel like I'm on such a high and so grateful for them. I think she was surprised that I called, but they said it's wonderful to hear the success stories and it felt good to say thank you finally.

Souper Wednesday

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Portland Race for the Cure

I've been meaning to write this for a week now. I was invited to join a team to walk at the Portland Race for the Cure. The Portland one is the 3rd largest in the nation. A lady that my inlaws are friends with and that I know as well invited us to join her team to go walking together. My inlaw's neighbors are sisters of this lady, so she had about 20 people or more walking in our little group. Unfortunately, it was also the Primary program, so the girls went to church with Jason and I got downtown with my inlaws. My fil picked me up and went back to their house to walk to the bus with one of the other families.

We all had our shirts on with sweatshirts underneath since we were walking to the bus at 6:45am. They all had white supporter Komen shirts on while I wore my bright pink one to signify being a survivor. There were very few people on the bus on a Sunday morning, but slowly more and more people got on and there were like 4-5 more white Komen shirts joining us. We got into downtown and had to get off the bus because it was blocked by all of the runners that had just started the 5k run. I felt my heart go in my throat from seeing everyone running for the same reason and purpose.

Then we discovered the hard part. We had to cross that street to get to where we were meeting everyone in our group. We should have thought about it longer, but we didn't. So we got our courage up and attempted to dash across the street against all the people running. If you've never done it, just imagine trying to be a salmon swimming upstream against the current and you get the general idea.

We go to find our group and walk to the waterfront. There are literally thousands of people roaming around. We see that people are already lining up for the 1k walk which is what we signed up for, so we go and get in line. They have streets blocked off people to walk on and they had barriers all around them. For the 1k walk, we had to walk around all these barriers and I was able to get a peek at the starting line. I was walking with my inlaws and it's a good thing I'm so tall and wearing pink. They are short and wearing white so they blended right in with everyone else but they could see me right away if we got separated from each other. Our walk was on Naito Parkway and turned so that we ended the walk on the sea wall down past the Morrison or Burnside bridge. I lost count which one it was. At the end of the race, all the survivors were handed pink rose courtesy of SWMC. I was hoping to see someone I recognized, but I didn't. I looked around and could tell that I was one of the youngest people there with breast cancer. It was rather unsettling, but not too bad.

Once our walk was over, we wandered around the waterfront looking at everything. There were so many people there that it started to get claustraphobic. On the walk, it wasn't so bad. Even with all those people, you are all going in the same direction with the same purpose. Once it was over, it was people walking everywhere in every direction. I'm not crazy about crowds so I was trying to inwardly calm down. Once we got past a certain point, it was a little easier. I went to the Survivor tent and got a nice bag full of goodies and had a survivor picture taken behind the tent. I can't find my bib number, otherwise I could go online and buy a copy of it. But $10 for a 4x6 doesn't seem worth it. After checking all the sponsors's tents, we attempted to get back to the streets the buses were on. Again, a problem. By that point, the 5k walk had started. THAT'S the main event so many people were there for.

There were 46,000+ people preregistered and I think nearly 30,000 of them were in that walk. I heard later that one person said it took her 30 minutes just to get to the starting line! That's crazy!!! Thrilling but crazy. We got smart this time though. We tried to go around them. When that didn't work, we staggered our way across the street and did pretty well. All the buses were blocked by the 5k walk so we were stuck at the bus stop. Every few minutes, they would stop the walkers and allow the buses to go by. We waited at our bus stop for at least 25-40 minutes for a bus to come. Then we got on and waited a bit longer while more walkers went by.

All in all, it was a wonderful incredible experience. It was so comforting to be with so many people fighting against the same thing. It was also so sad how many people were there "In Memory" of people too. So many women have died from this disease, including friends of mine on the support board I go to.

Ohhhhhh, the humiliation and pain

I completely embarrassed myself today. I haven't done something like this in many many years.

L and I walk to school to pick up C every day. We have to walk through a "park" to get there first. Since we are so close, I wore a hoodie and capris and my fake crocs from Payless. It started to sprinkle on the way home and to get the girls moving, I started to run and tease the girls. L was chasing me and I started jogging backwards to stay out of her way and keep an eye on her. BIG mistake. I got that feeling where you know you're going to fall. I turned around and did those big crazy steps to try and stop myself from going down. It didn't work. I fell flat on my face and I got a mouthful of grass. It got caught in my braces too. Blech. I actually first hit my knees, then my left chest and shoulder area and then my face. My glasses fell off and got twisted up, I hit all up the left side of my face pretty bad, and that's when I got a mouthful of grass. I was able to wrangle my glasses into a reasonable shape and attempted to get the grass out of my braces. I tried to dust myself off and get up. That's when my face started to hurt, my knees began to ache, and my pride was long gone.

When you dive face first into the ground, you lose all your pride. It was worse because all the elementary kids had been let out and were walking home across the park too and I know they all saw me take the dive. So I got up and walked home trying not to make a big deal out of it. But as I sit here writing this, my face is scrapped and bright red on my left cheek up to my temple and it feels like my right knee is swollen and my body just hurts. Poor C felt terrible and wanted to cry and L said she would take care of me. I just wanted to hide for a minute and cry. Ahhh!!!!!

I love soup making season

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My little SHOCK of the week

A while back on an internet board I belong to, someone mentioned I should write to the Ensign magazine with my experience with breast cancer. I don't know if it was made in jest or not, but it sounded like fun. So I went to www.lds.org for fun and submitted my story to the Ensign as an idea for a little article. I sent it via email and promptly forgot about it. A few weeks later, I get an email from them saying that they want to purchase my manuscript for the article. HOLY FREAK!!!!! I was really surprised. Then I read the email again and saw that they wanted me to fill out some paperwork and return it to them promptly so they could send me a check. Again, HOLY FREAK!!! I didn't know that they gave money for little things people wrote for that magazine. It never even occurred to me at all and it wasn't the reason I sent it in in the first place. I asked a friend on the internet and she says they do pay for stories and articles, depending on the length and the topic. So I looked a third time on the email and it shows they will pay me $100 for it. Wowzers, I was in shock. My friend warned me again that just because they buy it, doesn't mean that they will publish it right away or even ever! Still, it's nice to dream and it doesn't really matter if they do. They paid me for it!!!!!! Whoo hooo!!!!

Wordless Wednesday

Showing off my new habit, knitting hats. Thank you Knifty Knitters!!

Calgon, take me away!!

I've reached the wall tonight. The point where I want to give up and go home. I'm an emotional person and I'm not terribly spiritual and I use this blog to have my own little personal tantrum. When I'm done with my tantrum, I'm better and able to handle things in a much better mood. So when I talk, I get my innermost private thoughts out and while it may sound terrible sometimes, most of the time I have control and these thoughts and feelings are in a locked way corner of my brain and I don't like to let them out.

Having said that, I want to quit. I don't want to be a grownup anymore. I want to go back to being a child again where if I was sick or scared, I could most likely get a hug and a kiss from my mom and could go to bed and get better. It really sucks to be an adult. I've made lots of bad choices and feel incredible guilt for things beyond my control.

I wish I could go back and make better choices about my education. I wish I had stuck to my schooling and gotten a degree in something, anything! I wish I had been better instead of not finishing because I sucked at school and didn't know what I wanted to be. Maybe then, we would not be so completely tight for money.

I wish I had never ever ever gotten a credit card. No one made me spend money, I did that myself and now I am really paying for it.

I wish that I had a better control over my bad temper. My family is suffering and I'm not helping make things better with my lousy nasty temper. I know what it feels like to grow up feeling like crap and I don't want my children to feel the same way. I'm afraid I'm not succeeding there.

I wish to heaven that I had never discovered that stupid lump in my breast. I'm glad I did for my health, but I royally screwed up our financial situation. It's so dang expensive, even with insurance. My operation to cut off my breast was easily over $35,000 and that's not including the surgeons's fees. I've lost count of how many copays and prescriptions I've paid. I know one shot of Neulasta that I would get after every chemo appointment is $6000. I had 8 chemo treatments and then I had other shots to raise my wbc counts. Yes, insurance paid the lion's share of the bills, but still that's a huge amount to cover. It feels like we will never recover. I'm humiliated to have to ask for help. Help from our church and even worse, to ask our parents for help.

My inlaws haven't asked how we are in ages. If it doesn't involve them directly, they don't care. They have no clue how badly we are struggling financially and they won't unless they ask how we are and they don't ask that. If they don't ask, that's one less thing for them to have to deal with. And heaven knows they will do anything on earth to avoid conflict. I don't want my girls over there for awhile. So much is happening at their home that I don't want my girls near it. But that's a whole other story.

We took our poor Saturn into the mechanic for the every 3ooo mile oil change. Went fine, got in the car, heard a noise, drove less than a block and it's started making a sputtering noise. I limp back into the parking lot to find out that a spark plug blew. 3 mechanics are looking at it and scratching their heads in amazement at how it broke off so oddly. 4 new sparkplugs and wires later and my car is back. But not until I have my father pick me up in Sellwood and bring me home. He came from Vancouver to do this and it's easily a 30 minute drive one way. More drama, lots more money we don't have. This car better stay in good shape.

So there's my whine. I quit, I want to run away, I want to take my percoset and take a nice long drug induced nap.