I want to feel good again

I'm not sure if I've mentioned this before or not. But every card that's been sent to me, every hospital armband, my pathology reports, everything that I can save from this battle with breast cancer is being saved. I'm putting everything in a box so I don't forget. Also, today was a cruddy day. I let a person from work really get to me and make me feel bad about myself and my job that I'm doing. Plus there's lots more drama within my family and within myself that I'm dealing with. So when I have a rough day, I want to be able to pull out some cards that people sent so that I can remember that even when some cuts me down or makes me doubt myself, I have this to remember. Even if I have to tack every single card to my bedroom wall I'm not going to lose these things. Some days it's the only thing that kept me going.

I've been really struggling with some things. Sometimes things are very clear very fast and other times I have to really study and ponder things out and then it comes to me. I've been very upset with God. I'm so angry and mad and I didn't even realize it. I got my diagnosis this March and immediately went into action to "solve" the problem. I just shut away the possibility of anything happening to me and just focused on taking care of business. At each turn I'd be faced with some new situation and struggle instead of getting the okay sign and I'd just get more and more frustrated and angry. Instead of the lump I find being nothing, it's something. Then it's not benign, it's cancer, then not a lumpectomy, they have to take my whole breast, etc. It never seemed like I got a break from the bad news this year. So internally I've been suppressing all this anger and then this fall was so bad. Lots of family pain and struggle, friends hurting, etc.

Now that I know I have this anger, I'm not sure what to do with it. I want it to be gone, but how do you get over it? I know it's wrong to be angry with God but I need to make it better and I'm so far gone that I'm not sure where to start. Sitting still in church when I can go is torture. I hate sitting still in Sunday School class, even Sister P's class where I really want to know more of the material or when Sister R is teaching in another class. It's like I'm almost afraid to submerge myself in the material and make myself vulnerable to whatever feelings come out of that.

I don't feel comfortable with someone who is so deeply in touch with the Spirit because I don't know how to feel it. I'm not someone who feels comfortable being so dang ...vulnerable!! I'm having trouble making my fingers type what I'm feeling in my head. lol The logical side of me knows the right answers to get rid of my anger. Pray, read your scriptures, go to church, do your calling, etc. But it's not that easy. It can't be. I want to really KNOW the answers instead of knowing what to say when it's the right time if that make sense at all.

I've found a very small way to help back at church

I have something legitimate to do on the computer at long last! lol A while back someone in Relief Society mentioned being able to do some type of extraction work while at home. That appealed to me and I meant to get more info on it and forgot about it. Then a friend on an internet bulletin board mentioned doing this and had the website. I looked it up and got all excited again.

What it is is volunteers extracting family history information from digital images of historical documents to create indexes that assist everyone in finding their ancestors. Right now I'm kind of been "assigned" to the Illinois 1900 federal census. It's a page from the census with 50 names and I take the information and put it in the computer. It' easy data entry work but for me it's kind of exciting and sad too. These people were probably standing in front of this person writing their information down and over 100 years later I'm taking their info and putting it in the computer for future geneology work to be done. You can see the occupations they held, how many family members they had, etc. The saddest part was seeing the two categories called Mother of how many children and the how many living children. They are rarely the same number. Most often it's total number of children will have 5 and the living children are 3. So everytime I see the numbers the same, I get happy and feel good for the mother. I can't imagine having to deal with the death of my children for anything.

What's great is that it's not just limited to church members. Everyone who is interested can do it. They prefer you have a broadband connection and they give you a little lesson on how to do it all so you are prepared and know what to look for. This stuff just gives me chills and excites me!! The first night I did at least 150 names and was up till after 1am. For anyone who is interested, please go to this website and help someone find their ancestors. You won't be sorry!!
www.familysearchindexing.org

Something's in th air

I'm starting to get excited for Christmas. I feel guilty since Thanksgiving isn't even here yet! I got my Family Fun magazine and it has so many fun cute projects to do that I've been dying to get started. I want to do so many things and I don't know where to start. Saturday night for some weird reason, I started up 3 different batches of cookies and plan to do more this week. I almost have the little girls presents bought and need just one more gift for them to share and then their stockings. I just hope I don't forget where I put everything.

I love the feeling that comes with getting ready for Christmas. I love the lights, the cold weather, the excitement in the air, the secrets, the fun, the homemade goodies, little crafty things to do, and deciding who gets what for presents. I want to do so many things! Whenever I think about getting ready for the holiday, I get on this high. I have so many low moods that it almost scares me when I get that high because I'm afraid it will pass too quickly or I'll start something and not be able to finish it. What I should do is start making a list of what I want to do and who I want to do it for so I can be semi prepared. I do all sorts of surveys online and I want to cash in all my points for gift cards or certificates so that I can hand them out for Christmas.

My cold is no better, in fact it's worse. I have a dry cough, the runny nose now, and my head aches from coughing. I need to talk to my oncologist tomorrow and see what's up. My skin is getting even more red and the aloe vera is being used more and more. I've given in and will also get a flu shot this year. I haven't done that since I was working at the bank over 5 years ago. But my immune system is down with all the stuff going on this year and I really don't want to deal with the flu on top of everything else.

Little bits and pieces, random thoughts

I'm not even sure what to post about here. I was under the impression that I could write about anything but I'm not so sure now. I consider this my online journal and write down all my thoughts and feelings about breast cancer as they relate to me and my experience. I don't write about everything that happens in my life but if I need to get something out, I will. I have been good about keeping some things private but every once in a while something is going to come out and I'm not going to stop doing that. I've been thinking of making this a private blog but I'm not completely convinced yet.

Anyways, lots of things happening this week. I got my Family Fun magazine for December and there are so many fun little things to do for Christmas. I got the holiday buzz just reading it and I can't wait to start making things. I do some surveys online and get paid for doing them and I'm collecting all the rewards for that and I want to do little things for people this year. We've been helped so much this year and it's too hard to sit back and just say thank you. I need to constructively do something and so I have to get organized and ready to start making little goodies.

One of my favorite goodies this year is the potporri mix that my friend Angela has in her house. She watches Lindsey every morning for about 90 minutes or so while I go to radiation. She had the best smell in her apartment one morning. It was a mix of oranges, lemons, cloves, and cinnamon sticks simmering on the stove. So now I've been obsessed. Every few days I get that going on the stove and the whole place smells like Christmas. I found a friend that had a great smelly mix too that I want to try that has basil and pineapple juice in it.

My favorite homemade gift from last year was a little cookbook my sister E and her family made for everyone. It has some of their favorite recipes plus others from friends and family that they combined for a cookbook. I got it at Christmas last year and immediately went through and found a bunch I wanted to try out. Our favorites are the Emeril's Essence, Pasta E Fagioli soup, L's Beef Brisket, Dilly Pork Chops, and all of E's bread stuff. I've tried several times to make her cinnamon rolls but they never come out right. I want to see her do it once so I get the hang of it and try it better at home.

My grandma in the hospital. Her pacemaker is messed up and not working right so it has to be fixed. She's in OHSU and I'm jealous! It's the best hospital in Oregon and it's gorgeous inside. It's up on the hill and has the best view of Portland. The floors are carpeted in the halls and her room is really nice. It's a private room with a huge window and a couch that's really a bed and two nice comfortable chairs. She even has a dvd/cd player in her room. It's really quiet in the halls even the food looks good! Dang! I've decided that when I have my big booby surgery next year, I want to do it at OHSU. It makes my hospital, SWMC, look like it's scraping the bottom of the barrel for their patients.

My emotions are all over the place. Up and down and changes constantly. It's like having PMS 24/7. My skin is turning a nice dark pink/red color and the patch on my neck is getting itchy since my shirt rubs against it constantly. My cough/cold isn't going away and is just lingering and making me feel yucky all the time. Lindsey has picked up on my moods and has turned into a little monster. I never knew 3 year olds whined and cried as much as she did. It got so bad one night, that after Jason got home, I had to leave. I told him I'd be back and went and grocery shopped by myself and got a pop at the store. My temper is so short with Lindsey and I don't want to get to the point of doing something when I'm angry. I have to learn how to control my anger and not act out when I'm so frustrated that I want to act out.

I disappointed that we won't have Thanksgiving like we normally will. Family from out of town and all of us at my mom's home for dinner. But with my grandma in the hospital things have changed. Our little family will be at my inlaw's for dinner, no family coming from out of town, and we are kind of doing our own seperate thing. My mother in law is a wonderful cook but it just won't be the same. No sibling fighting, no animals trying to sneak food from my girls, no snide remarks or dirty looks, etc. Gotta love those family get togethers.

Happy anniversary to me!!

A year ago this morning I was sitting in my orthodontist's waiting room running my tongue over my teeth frantically. I was scared and nervous but feeling like a dork because I was the oldest person there and I didn't care and was still scared. Yes, I had my braces put on a year ago at 9:50am in the morning. Yes, it's pathetic I still remember the time my appointment was and everything. lol

Things I have learned while wearing braces. I hate eating noodles, rice, chicken, anything with a thin layer of skin, and I really miss eating popcorn and corn on the cob. I remember how nervous I was to even eat after I got them on. I thought eating a hamburger would knock the top wire off and that after getting my braces tightened that I'd never want to chew again. Now look at me! Braces are the least of my worries now. lol

Day 17

I'm starting my 17th treatment today. I was told ahead of time that I may be late in starting, so I can try to work on that stinking puzzle that's driving me nuts in the waiting room. You only have like 3 minutes to work on it before they call you back so you never have time to finish more than 2-3 pieces at a time.

I'm starting to get some skin irritation from the radiation. I have a definite shape on my chest from the rads and a faint red spot near my neck and on my back. The first beam of radiation is higher up and hits my lymph nodes in my neck and it goes straight through me to the table. Which means I get radiation burns on my neck and on my back where it goes right through me. Blech.

I'm having a rough time lately. Everything makes me cry. Jason told me something yesterday that normally I'm really excited about but made me want to burst into tears. Everything did yesterday. I'm struggling to find good things that happen each day. Just too hard sometimes. I had to get started on antibiotics again because the redness in my boob has not gone away from surgery. It's not normal so I had to get on more meds. Then the cough I had never would calm down or go away, so they had to prescribe really strong cough syrup for me. I can't take that when I need to drive because it has codeine in it. But the antibiotics have given me a nice side effect that I can't seem to make go away so I may have to get a prescription for that if it doesn't clear up. I still have another prescription I need to fill but haven't done yet. I am out of my antidepressants and need to get that filled too. I'm a walking pharmacy, I swear.

NOT a good day

There's nothing like being criticized when you're feeling down.

I tried a new thing tonight for dinner and the girls played quietly around me while I was making it so I could concentrate on it.

I made this dinner with a new dish I've never made before. Not one word either way. I did however, hear from my two daughters who are 3 and 5 that they both liked it. In fact, my nearly 3 year old asked for a second helping!!! Now that is praise indeed. Too bad I have to depend on my toddler to show me some love.

I guess I should have had the house spotless. Not like I had anything going on today at all. No running around, picking up kids, going to Vancouver or Gresham, coughing my brains out half the time, dealing with residents, rent, and maintenance guys. Yeah, I was lazy and sat on the computer all day. I didn't pick up the living room 2-3 times and fold and refold the blankets 2-3 times. No, I ignored my children and played games and checked my email online the whole day.

Thanks for the love by the way. I had to ask for it and even then I didn't get any. Nice.

My next scheduled oncology appointment

I had a visit with my medical oncologist this week, Dr. Brouns. He's the one I went to initially when I knew I would have chemo and he's the doctor I met with after my mastecomy to figure out my treatment schedule and what would be best for me. I had my labs done and my counts are all normal with no problems. I talked to him about a few things that were concerning me and then he gave me some great news. Normally I would see him every other week with chemo. After my chemo was over, I saw him once before my surgery in September and then just this week. I was able to schedule my next visit that I have to see with (what I call my CANCER doctor) Dr. Brouns. Wanna know when it is?




May 2007


It didn't hit me till a day or so later the significance of this appointment so far out. I will of course finish out my radiation treatment and see my radiation oncologist in the mean time. But do you see? My main cancer doctor doesn't want to see me FOR SIX MONTHS!!!! When I figured what this meant, I was taken back. That's kind of exciting news for me. I'm gonna think on this awhile and process it more. I've been so taken up with treatment, what to do next, get poked with a needle here, have this surgery, my chances with this, etc. I'm not sure how I feel about all of it.

Rads treatment #10 today

This week has slowed down somewhat. We got the car back on Tuesday evening and I was so happy to drive my own car. I really love that Saturn and it will break my heart when we have to get a different car. So things were going well and I was driving to Target on Wednesday afternoon to run an errand when that freaking coolant light starts flashing again. Turns out that it was leaking coolant from the radiator again. I was so mad!!! This could not be happening. So the car goes back to the mechanic to be fixed and find out what the heck is going on. The guy replaced the hoses and we have our vehicle back and the light isn't flashing. Not yet anyways.

Jason leaves in the morning for his trip to Utah. He's going to stay with K and N. My good friend Vicky is going to pick him up from the airport and take him to Temple Square so he can go through the temple there. I'm so happy she was able to help and I wish like crazy that I could go see her again. We have a lot to talk about.

I'm kind of scared for Jason to be gone. I haven't been by myself with the girls since all my breast cancer stuff has happened. I know I'll be okay, but my confidence wavers at night. Plus I'm afraid the girls will gang up on me and make me want to go insane. I'm already half way there. I'm going to miss him a lot.

Radiation is going okay. I think I'm starting to get a bit pink but it's hard to tell. It also sucks that I have a cough and trying to lay still during treatment is a bugger when you want to cough. I'm just sure one of these days I will need to sneeze and when my head comes up to sneeze, I'll knock my self out on that dang linear accelerator during treatment.

My reduced boob is slowly getting better. I say that because it looks okay and doesn't hurt as much anymore. Laying on my side was a beast for a while because my boob and the liposuctioned area hurt like crazy. I also have paper tape on all the scars so that it will heal better and the scars will be less. That's what Dr. Gray says anyways. One lesson I've learned is that taking the paper tape off in the shower is much easier in the shower instead of before the shower. Less redness and no bleeding. The T junction is still oozing a bit and the lower half of my breast is still red but I talked to Dr. Gray and she says that's normal. It looks freaky to me but I'll trust her on it.

I'm grasping at straws to be positive

Gotta think positive, gotta think positive.

Despite the fact that we learned today that the radiatior that has to be replaced and won't be ready till Tuesday and costs over $500, I'm doing okay. I made sugar cookies yesterday and frosted them today with pink homemade frosting that tasted so good! I also got a wonderful little package today from a friend on my breast cancer support group for younger women. Just simple homemade scarf/hats that she made, but they are the style that I like and wear most often. 5 of them and my two favorites are the all black one and the darker material with little sparklies in the fabric. I immediately wore that one when it arrived.

That carried me through the day. Then my inlaws picked up the girls and watched them from the time Chloe got home till Jason and Lindsey arrived home around 8:30pm. Chloe got to spend the night. I was able to walk to 7-11 and get a big drink and watch Friends dvds by myself in my big rocking recliner. So nice!

This week still sucked, but today was okay. I'll take it especially after the past two weeks have really been so terrible.

Panic is starting to set in

There's too much going on and I can slowly feel the panic starting to set in. It's like it's bubbling underneath the surface and I'm just waiting. Chloe has to get to school in the morning, I need to do work stuff, take care of Lindsey, get over my cold and sore throat, plan dinner, clean house, do laundry, worry about various family members and what's happening with them. Try not to get too paranoid about my mil and every word she speaks to me. Go to radiation, make sure I have someone to watch Lindsey during that, see if the car is ready, turn in the rental, pick Chloe up from school, keep my temper, and answer the phone for work.

I'm so close to losing it. I keep breathing fast and I want to cry. I don't know how to make it better though!

What I'm grateful for (NOT!!)

Things to be grateful for:

• My fil didn't have to go to the hospital THIS week. He was in twice last week.
• I got to see the friend of mine that sang at our wedding this week. Unfortunately, the occasion was a sad one since it was a funeral for her sister that died in a car accident.
• The residents I can't stand moved to a different apartment far away in the complex. The girl had friends over and the police had to be called since they got to rowdy and were angering other residents.
• We still have a rental car for a car fender bender a couple of weeks ago. It wasn't till this week that we were able to have the car fixed and therefore got a rental car.
• I don't have an infection in my breast like I thought, but I have developed the sore throat and cold that's going around our family.
• My cousin is recovering from the ectopic pregnancy she found out about. Unfortunately, she is also trying to get over pneumonia.
• I was able to see an old chemo buddy at the cancer center on Friday. Too bad she was there because she was having a CATscan to see why she's on her 3rd different chemo and if it's helping her tumor shrink or not.
• My mom got back from Utah after visiting my sister and bil. I'm glad she had fun with them and getting ready for the baby. I'm sorry to say she's on her way back to Utah for a family funeral this Wednesday. My great uncle's son went to bed and didn't wake up in the morning.
• My grandma made it through her surgery just fine this morning. At almost 92, this is a major victory. The surgery was to take care of the mass that was found in her intestine. They got the mass but found out that it was cancerous.

So I lied. It hasn't been a great week. It has been a lousy week. This all seemed to have taken place in the last week though it may have been in the last two weeks. It's all blurring together now. The cold thing I don't get. I mean, I had chemo this summer that weakens your immune system and I don't get sick. It's almost two freaking months after that, and I get a cold? A stupid cold two months later? I saw 3 different doctors last week for 3 different things plus I started the first of 36 treatments of radiation. I found out some bad things about a friend that has made me feel very cautious around her and I hate that. I had a resident angrily yell at me recently because she thought I was out to get her kids in trouble and get them evicted. I'm not out to get them, they are doing it to themselves. But I've never been treated like that before. I didn't let her see how I felt, but I bawled after she left. While she was in my face, I kept my cool and that adreneline was pumping. I gave back calmly as good as I got. They I shut the door and nearly burst into tears.

Honestly, a couple of good things did happen. My favorite flower lady brought me flowers from her garden again. I'm so gonna miss that this fall and winter when she runs out. lol Also, a friend from the internet remembered that I was looking for pink ribbon things that my dh could wear at work that wasn't too girly. So while she was at the beach, she found a pink ribbon tac pin for Jason and a pink ribbon charm bracelet for me and brought them to me last night. It was great and so cool because I wasn't expecting it at all. :)

First radiation appointment

I got my first treatment today. You know when you build something up in your mind and once it's over you feel exhausted? That's how I felt once it was over. I had so many questions, I was paranoid about moving, didn't know what to expect, so I was running on adrenaline this morning once I arrived at the cancer center.

Cool thing, my chemo buddy Tanya has her rads at 11am and since my appointment was at 11:30am, I was able to see her for a few minutes. It was nice to talk to her. It turns out she started just last Thursday, I started this Thursday and my appointments when they start will be at 10:30am. I'll be able to see her every day for the next month or so! That made me happy. Once again, she's got the headstart and can tell me what to expect since she's a week ahead of me on rad treatments.

I was met by a rad tech, and was introduced to another one. Altogether there are 3 of them and I will get to know them really well over the next month. The ones I met seemed pretty cool. Today was a long visit. I was in the rads room for the first time. The machine is HONKING huge. The best way to describe it is there is a flat table where you lay down and stretch your arms over your head and grab these two handles right behind your head. The machine is behind you and it has a part that look like a swinging arm lamp above you. Except that it also rotates all the way to the ground on either side of you too. I had xrays taken, I was drawn on again, and had to lay still for essentially 45 minutes while I was tugged at, moved, photographed, etc.

The actual radiation treatment was very short. My right chest area was exposed, plastic wrap put on me, and then something like a brass blanket was laid on top. The saran wrap was laid out because they can't wash the blanket since it's brass, so they put something beneath it to prevent it from getting germs and stuff on it. The top of the machine got close to my chest, and then it beeped, then steady loud beep for about 10-15 seconds. This was done at 3 different angles and then it was done. It didn't hurt, I couldn't feel a thing.

I will have 36 treatments which will go through Thanksgiving. My next week as a crazy schedule until next Friday where it will settle down. But for the next 7 treatments, I went at 11:30am, then 1:20, 11:10, 1:10, 11:20, and finally I will settle at 10:30 next Friday. From that day on, each treatment will be at 10:30am. Yeah!!!

Feeling very morbid tonight

I went to a funeral for a young lady today. The family used to be in our ward and we used to know each other's families really well. She died while driving to or from Rexburg to visit her sister at school. She fell asleep at the wheel and rolled her car. She was only 18 years old. I didn't know her personally, but I used to be good friends with her older sister RaeShel who sang at our wedding and her older brother Aaron. It was such a shock to hear of her passing. This is the second funeral in less than 6 months for a family in my parent's ward or used to be in their ward. This one was packed!! There was standing room only in the way far back of the culteral hall. Tons of pictures of N all over the place and you could tell she had a lot of friends as did the family. Everyone was there to support this family.

It was different than any other LDS funeral I'd ever been to. I was thinking the whole time that I want my funeral to be this way. Usually funerals are solemn sorrowful affairs but this one there was laughter, beautiful music, and a different feeling to it that was at times wonderful and at others felt like another production put on by this acting family. I really liked the opening hymn, "God Be With You, Til We Meet Again". There was the talk about the purpose of life which was good since I know that over half the people there were not members. But then instead of a eulogy, two siblings got up and talked about N and gave some wonderful and funny memories. There was an incredible musical number with all the sisters and sister-in-laws. N's sister RaeShel has the voice that would make you cry she's so good. It was a powerful experience to hear them all sing. Then N's parents got up and gave some memories.

That's when I felt the service take a turn. The father is a good actor but he seemed to be putting on a show of sorts. Maybe I just don't know him well enough or maybe I didn't think it was appropriate, but I didn't like how almost rowdy it got when he talked. But that's just him and that's the way he wanted to remember his daughter, so if it made him and his family happy, then I'm glad. It's just not what I'm used to I guess.

The whole service got me thinking about how I want things when I pass away. I liked that opening song, I liked how the memories were done instead of a standard eulogy. The musical number was great. My dad was with me and he said it reminded him of an Irish wake. Well, that's what I want. I want laughter, smiles, good memories, and only good tears not sorrowful ones. I want to be buried earlier or later, but I don't want my casket there. That's all you stare at when the casket's there. You don't remember the person, just the place where their body is. I want to be remembered alive, not dead. I don't know if that makes sense or not. I don't like seeing a dead body because my memory of that person will be forever tarnished by that. And I know that that person isn't really there anymore. I'd rather remember someone while they are alive.

It's such a hard thing to think about now, especially since I got diagnosed with breast cancer. I was really scared for a while that I was going to die. I don't think that now. Now it's just an annoyance because the problem isn't done being taken care of. But when I was diagnosed, I did something kind of private that I don't know if I ever told anyone about. I went to the cemetary where my grandpa was buried and had a little "talk" with him. I don't think it matters what I said, but basically it came down to the fact that I was fearful that I would soon be seeing him. I was very doom and gloom inside when I first heard the diagnosis and every now and then I still feel that way, especially after today. But then I think of my girls and I won't allow myself to think that way. I'm NOT leaving them while they are young. I WON'T!!! I'm gonna be an old broad in my 90s before they are rid of me! lol

Another thing that stuck in my mind after the service today is something one of the siblings said. This girl who died was very unique. She said what she thought, she tried things no matter what others thought, she lived life her way and the hell with everyone else. They encouraged others to be courageous and I want to do that. I want to try something that I've always wanted to do but never had the courage to do. I know my limits though. I'm still not going to make the Olympic gymnastics team no matter how I try, I won't ever play symphonies on the piano, or sing the national anthem at a baseball game. lol But maybe I will learn to play guitar or jump out of an airplane, or get my degree, or try new things. It couldn't hurt, now could it?

Can this week get ANY worse???

Great!!! Just what I need this week.

TMI ahead. I have paper tape on all the scars from my surgery last month. Dr. Gray put them on telling me that it should help minimize or reduce the appearance of scars. On my left boob is a scar that looks like an upside down T. I had tape on everything except right where the junction of the two scars meet and have gauze over it because gunk still is coming out and I was expecting that. I was taking the tape off for a shower this morning and I also took the gauze off. There was a little bit of green gunk and when I checked out my breast, I noticed in the mirror that it was red over half of my boob. Not a good sign with the two of those things together. I have a feeling that I might be having an infection. This really really sucks.

I'm just waiting now calmly to see what else can happen this week. We are still waiting to get our vehicle fixed from the accident because the other insurance company finally accepted that it was their fault and are sending us a check. I have a couple of teeth that are hurting when I chew food on one side of my mouth which means a trip to the dentist possibly, I have to call the doctor tomorrow for an appointment about the possible infection in my boob, my fil has been in the hospital twice in one week for two different problems. One time was for a kidney stone that he couldn't pass and had to be blasted, the other reason was because his heart went out of rhythm and wouldn't go back in. I had an awful time dealing with a horrid resident and trying to get everything fixed with her. Dh is struggling and finally starting to crack with everything going on. I'm trying to work through some depression and make things better.

This all happened this week it seems. Some days I just don't want to get out of bed.

Hair, hair everywhere

My hair is coming back in. This is a good thing and a bad thing. I managed to go at least 4 months without having to shave my legs or my armpits. I think in another couple of weeks, I'm going to have to dust off my razor and start shaving again. I really enjoyed that break. I picked a great time to have chemo anyways. Right during summer time when I wouldn't have to worry.

I have lots of fuzz on my head now. It's very soft and I see both white hairs and dark. I don't know if I'll look like a skunk when I'm done or what. Chloe was rubbing my head a while ago and said that my hair's going in a circle. So it's long enough to go in a direction! That's progress, right? Lindsey loves to cuddle in bed and pet my hair and give me kisses on top now and then. So cute to watch her do that.

It's been a stinky weekend

My boob still hurts at times. I went to the doctor today and she wants me to keep tape on my boob where she cut into me. That will minimize the scarring I guess. I keep it on and change it every 5 days for 6 more weeks. The nurse gave me some stuff to spread on the scars to minimize them. Thank goodness for samples otherwise a 2 oz bottle would have been $40. Dr. Gray also filled a prescription for me since I used up all my leftover Vicodin from chemo for this past surgery. I'm proud of myself. I could have had her give me an earlier prescription for pain meds for the surgery and had lots of heavy drugs but I didn't. The boob is still hurting but it's more nagging and annoying than it was in the days right after surgery.

It seems like when it rains, it pours. We were leaving the church bookstore parking lot and we got hit by another car backing out of a space. Scratched up the passenger side and ripped our bumper nearly right off. The girls were nearly hysterical and the car, Jason was really upset, so I took over and got all the information from the driver. We had a witness and funny enough, a cop car was in the parking lot and was there immediately. We didn't need him though and he left shortly afterwards.

I'm having problems with a few residents in the apartment complex. Major issues with them and the mother of the problem resident that basically rented the apartment for her underage pregnant daughter came and yelled and screamed at me. Ripped me a new one and accused me of singling out her kids trying to get them evicted. She seems to think her kids are angels when they are pains in the ass. I could go on and on about the problems these kids cause, but what good does it do.

Apparently when we moved to Oregon, specifically Multnomah County, we werent' aware of a special county tax. We may not have paid that that year that we moved here, so we are now possibly having to come up with this tax that we didn't pay and I'm not quite sure where that money is going to come from.

Radiation starts Friday, the 13th. Great. I hope I have a vehicle by then that I can drive. After dealing with the nasty resident, I called my boss and told her what happened and that the lady would be calling her in the morning. I also told her I can't do this again and if it does, I don't know if I can handle it and that I will quit. She calmed me down and we settled things. I hung up and proceeded to bawl my eyes out. I suck at confrontation. Usually I will either cry will confronting someone, or I will hide in my room and do it afterwards. This time I was able to hold it in till they left and I was alone.

I'm just done. I don't know what else can happen! Geez! Our car gets hit, I get screamed at by an angry resident, we might have to pay this previously unknown tax, more pain from surgery, new procedures starting this week, etc.

Don't look into the mirror!!

Good things about today. I got a lovely drug-induced resting time. I layed down late this morning and just rested in bed. I was in and out of it and would have happily stayed that way if I didn't have to get up to pee and I didn't feel guilty for being in bed. I wish I could do it again. Also, I got a loud pounding on the door. I peeked through the blinds and saw that someone was delivering flowers. Since it wasn't a resident bugging me, I thought I would answer. I figured it was for the neighbor lady since she was also expecting a package of some kind already. But they were for me! Just a simple small arrangement that put the biggest smile on my face. It got even bigger when I saw who it was from. Uh, who has their orthodontist send them flowers? I've never heard of that before, but that's who my flowers were from!!! How in the world did he know that I had surgery last week? I think I vaguely remember saying something about my chemo ending in August or something like that. It's crazy!!! I'm definitely calling the office tomorrow and giving my heartfelt thanks to them.

Yesterday I thought I was doing good and when Jason was helping me by changing my dressings, I peeked down to see how my new boob looked. From the top you can't see squat but what I did see was higher up and looked ...perky. So I'm feeling brave today and go to take a shower. Which means I took all my dressings, bandages off, and checked myself out full in the mirror. Worst thing I did all day.

I have angry red scars, nasty looking steri strips, black stitches, a drain coming out of my side, and my funkiest looking breast you've ever seen, make that two boobs. One is still Stubby but even stubbier and sunk in, and the other has been carved up and the areola is not anything I recognize. I was still too scared to touch my chest to the warm water in the shower and held a wash rag in front of me. I still have my drain in and felt like I needed to hold it in one hand while showering. I didn't want to let it drop to hold the washrag in place, so my chest didn't get as clean as I would have liked since I was so worried about catching the fabric on a stitch, getting something wet that shouldn't be, and so on. The rest of me felt great though.

Looking at myself in the shower was awful. Your breasts are such a part of you that makes you feel feminine. Mine are carved up and ugly and painful. So any high I was on today is gone. I'm a mess again. I don't look pretty, I don't even look okay, and I definitely don't feel beautiful or okay. I just cried and cried later. I still feel like doing it now. Hearing someone say that it gets better later is just peachy. But I'm living in the NOW, I don't want to hear about later.

Recovery is good

I'm doing much better than I was expecting. My last surgery was huge and painful and I thought I would be in so much pain than I was before. But it's like Dr. Gray said, compared to the mastectomy, this was a piece of cake. Still hurts at time, but nowhere even close to what I had in April. I wish it was calmer here. I think it will help when Chloe goes to school tomorrow. As much as I love the girls, they bring a lot of chaos here and it's hard to relax when there's a lot going on. I'd love for them to go to Grandma's for a couple of days so I can have some more naps. I absolutely love taking naps! I get all my pillows arranged and set up and I could sleep for hours. Just not the same at night.

I'm still trying to be cautious though. I don't want to do too much and regret it later. So even though I feel good, I'm going to try and be careful and not overdo it. I wish Jason could stay longer. (sigh)

Time for more meds, antibiotics, and getting my dressings changed. Can hardly wait for the next day and all the fun stuff that comes with it.

Home from the hospital

This will be long. I'm up at 3:52am on Saturday morning because I can't sleep. I hope I remember everything. lol

Jason and I left at 5:40am Thursday morning for the hospital. My mom came over to get Chloe to school and Lindsey to the babysitters. Mom's back went out while getting out of the car at our apartments and that made everything worse for her while dealing with the girls. I felt terrible. We checked in at the hospital and sat around waiting for my turn to be dealt with. There was a young child that was going to have surgery and I couldn't help but wonder how I would deal with things if it was my child going to have something done. I'd be a wreck. I finally got back and in my gown. From there things moved quickly. Within the hour I was in preop and waiting to go back to the OR. They were switching to a new computer system and were in their 2nd day of it so know one was really familiar with everything. I didn't start to freak out or panic till it was almost time for dh to leave. Then I had to switch to some deep breathing and trying to still the thought of wanting to hug my babies. I didn't do that before I left because they were sleeping and I didn't want to disturb them. I bawled for a few minutes and then was a little better.

I said goodbye to dh and they wheeled me into the OR. Dang, I forget how chilly it is in there. But I got on the table and they started giving me stuff. I remember it being 8:33 when I got in there and they put the oxygen on my mouth and then they said it would be less than a minute and I would be out. Next thing I remember is being in recovery and not being able to keep my eyes open for the life of me. I could hear everything but just not keep my eyes open long enough to see much. I guess I didn't get back to a room till nearly 3pm. That panicked Jason because Dr. Gray came out after noon and said she was done. They didn't have any beds available so I had to wait. They didn't tell him that though, so he thought something was really wrong.

I requested a private room if there were any, but there weren't and I was surprised that I was actually looking forward to a roommate. Weird how things change. I am happy to say that when I got to my room, I was the first one there so I got the side with the window. That helped with my small case of claustraphobia. Just being able to look out made things better. Things are kind of fuzzy for a while but I remember having an ice pack on my chest. I couldnt figure out why. Then the tight feeling in my chest brought it all back. Problem was, that I would have the ice on my chest and for some reason that made my stomach clench up and I couldn't relax. So I constantly had a stomachache. Then the hot flashes would start, so they put a ice pack on the back of my neck and I think a cold washrag on my head. Most attractive.

When my roommate came in, I was still kind of out of it. But I could hear everything. She was in her early 40s and it sounded like she never left the house without makeup and that was bothering her. She had a chest tube in and a machine to help suction it out. But I didn't know that at the time, I only heard chest tube. So the bubbling I heard I thought was relaxation pond or something that someone brought from home to help her feel better. It actually helped me relax and put me to sleep! I asked later and felt like an idiot when I was told what it was. She had plenty of visitors from family and that was fine. I listened a lot. (hee,hee,hee!!)

Afternoon was a blur but by dinnertime I was awake and I thought doing fine. So I drank some and actually attemped dinner. Not such a great idea. Remember the stomach clenching? I couldn't recognize that I was feeling sick till almost the last minute. The nurse was in the room and I told her I needed help. Then I needed it NOW!! My roomie had visitors and they handed me a get sick container and I barely made it in time. Then I needed a bigger one and a hand reached out from her side and handed me her other one. Then my roomie immediately got sick! She was feeling nauseated and since I had all her sick trays, she had to have a family member get something quick and she ended up using the brand spanking new commode tray. So the nurses had fun with us for a while cleaning us up since we spewed at the same time. I had to get my ice pack changed, my blankets, and cleaned my face up before I felt halfway decent again. I just thought it was hilarious that we both got sick at the same time. The rest of the night I was careful and had ice chips, water, and later on I had graham crackers. Made the potty trips with my IV pole and managed to knock or bang everything I could on the way there.

The rest of the night, my roomie and I got awake at the same times and either she or I would have to ring for the nurse for something. So every 3 hours it seemed we had our drinks changed, vitals checked, etc. I had to have help getting to the bathroom, because I had my IV pole, and those compression things on my lower legs. Every minute all night long they would come on, puff up and compress my legs, and then turn off. Every minute! Then on the IV pole, it would click every time the saline would drip. I was so used to it the first time I had surgery, that it didn't bother me and I slept okay despite it. It was just a pain trying to gather myself for the potty trips.

In the morning, my roomie wanted some sun, so she pulled the curtain back and we got to talk. Turns out Sandy has a 5 year old daughter too as did I and the nurse taking care of us. We had great talk and she seemed like a nice lady. I could tell she was a little more upper class than I, but when you're in the situation we were in, there's no being your usual self. I found out her mil was just diagnosed with colon cancer, and when she came in later, I got to talk to her for a few minutes.

I attempted breakfast and was also given my favorite hospital cocktail, cranberry juice and Sierra Mist. I had that when I was at the hospital with my csections and loved it. It was comforting to have it again. I drifted in and out and had visitors. I know that Shannon and Dad came the night before and Jason was with me most of the previous afternoon. He went home around 5:30pm and got the girls and spent time at my inlaws house. They had a nice dinner for him since it was his birthday, poor guy. Mom and Nanny came even with Mom's bad back. I was trying to talk to both Mom and Nanny, but I don't think Nanny heard me very much. I felt bad flipping back and forth between them. Jason came in later and he spent the rest of the day with me.

I was getting worried because Dr. Gray hadn't come to see me yet. In fact, I didn't end up seeing her till just before I left at 7pm or so. I could have had the nurses show me what to do, but I wanted to talk to her and so even though it was incredibly late, I waited. Got to have a lovely dinner of nasty mac & cheese, but the great nurses slipped me some yogurt and custard instead. I would talk on and off with Sandy every once in while, but mostly Jason and I had quiet time relaxing. He would help me get to the potty and back and we made a couple of trips around the ward in the afternoon when I felt up to it. The dang bra they put me in after surgery was really annoying and painful. The drains were hanging out underneath them, so it would rub up against the tightly attached bra and it was really hurting me. I was good with the pain meds though. I didn't take it as much as I thought but I also didn't let me get too much pain. It wasn't morphine either, so it didn't knock me on my butt immediately either.

I can't remembe much else now because the percoset if FINALLY starting to kick in. It's really hard not to curl up on my side. I want to desperately and I can't do it and that's making it hard to sleep. I can't believe I miss my hospital bed, but I do. I could get in any position to make it easier to sleep and at home I can't. It's either flat on my back in my bed or face the eastern sky and try to sleep in my recliner that I can't manuever very well with all my owies. I think I will try the bed again. Starting to feel a little sick too. I'm done for now, I'll try and write more later.