Blast from the past

Holy cow. I'm in shock.

I just got an email from someone I never thought I would hear from again. I don't know how they found me, but somehow they did. It was my date for a big dance when I was a junior in high school. We were in drama together and a lot of us went out on group dates and spent time together with the plays and stuff we did. Such a fun shock to hear from him again.

But it brings me to a point. People from my past have no idea that I've been through the whole breast cancer experience. They have this idea in their heads of how I am and what I look like just like I do for them. It's like being frozen in time. It's kind of nice to know that not everyone who knows me knows about how I am now. It sounds weird, but it's like I can put breast cancer away for awhile. Crazy dumb stuff late at night ramblings, I know. lol

Hot flashes anyone?

When I decided to have surgery, I knew my body would go into menopause. I was fine with it since I had kind of gone through that after chemo. My body would have these heat waves that come and go and feel really intense. I thought they were bad. Uh, I was wrong.

A true hot flash is miserable. It especially sucks while it is summer time and the hottest time of the year. After surgery, they didn't start immediately but it came on slowly after a couple of weeks. They start deep in my "core" or chest area and slowly radiate outward. It feels like you are in the grips of a bad fever. Every inch of your body is hot. Then, every inch of your body feels like you are dripping with sweat. Most of the time it is when they come on.

I've changed my meds to Effexor to help cope with these hot flashes. I'm not sure it's working. I literally feel like I'm drenched in sweat. Just sitting down in the evenings, with the slightest bit of pressure from my clothes, and I get a hot flash. I don't like to cuddle in the evenings, because the body heat from someone sets them off too. As I sit here typing this, I'm getting over a hot flash. It was bad. Nearly every inch of me is covered in sweat. It even feels like my hair is sweating it's so bad. One night when we had super hot weather, I was nearly in tears I was so hot and couldn't get any relief. I'm not ready to call the doctor though. I'm not sure if the meds have kicked in yet, if it's the combo of the summer heat and hot flashes, or what it is. I have to see my gyno surgeon in about a month of so, and if it doesn't get any worse, I'll wait until then to mention it. But if this continues, I'm gonna need to be talked down from climbing out of my skin.

I'm all for any great homeopathic ideas of making this go away. Unfortunately, everything I've seen so far has an estrogen based idea for making it better. I can't have that unfortunately. GGGGGRRRRRRR!!!!!!

Jason's skin cancer scare

During that long time of me not blogging, we had another cancer scare. But for once, it wasn't me! lol After I had my hysterectomy, dh took a week off to take care of me. During that time, I made him go to the doctor because he had a sore on his forehead that never would heal. It would scab over and then bleed again and the process would start all over.

So about 2 days after I got out of the hospital, we all trooped out to the doctor's office. He was looked at and they decided to take the little booger out right there in the office. After a long wait in the waiting room, he finally comes out. They were going to biopsy it because they said it looked suspicious. Poor guy, Jason rarely goes to the doctor's office for himself and I know he didn't want to make a big deal about it.

A few days later, dh gets a call at work and he lets me know that they found out that is indeed skin cancer. They think it's a basal cell carcinoma. But they want to dig deeper and get more taken out. This is a big deal now! I know that skin cancer is very very common, but after dealing with my cancer, we don't take anything lightly anymore. We searched things out, found out more information, and talked to other people. We got referred to a new doctor and went to meet him. He seemed like kind of a fruitcake with fingernails longer than mine. Not that that's bad, but just odd. We set the date for the excision. Jason referred to it as a surgery even though it was a procedure done in the doctor's office. He's never had any health problems ever, so he was taking everything so seriously.

I have been through my experience and knew it was not as big a deal. But I also don't want to diminish his fears and worries. So I tried to be super supportive and be what he needed me to be. The day finally came and we went out to the doctor's office. He had to have lots of numbing shots around the spot on his forehead. That was tough. Jason was really nervous and scared and that numbing stuff hurts! So I stayed with him and held his hand. He was hanging on so tight! Poor guy. So once that takes effect, they start cutting and dig out a rough diamond shape on his forehead. I stayed and watched everything and held his hand or kept my hand on him so he knew I was there. He handled everything well and we went home not too long after it was over.

He had a big gauzy bandage on his forehead but seemed to handle it just fine. He had a little bit of a divot on his forehead, but not much. The doctor was great and did lots of tiny fine stitches. When everything heals up, there will be a scar, but not bad at all and just a tiny bit of an indentation. We finally get the results back and we find out they got all the cancer out and he's perfectly okay!!!! No further treatment, no further digging anything out. Yay!!! He will go back in 6 months to be checked again, but he's good to go.

Thank heavens!!

Update of sorts #1

Since that post about asking for help, things have improved with my inlaws. That one night was so terrible. I was ready to never talk to my mother in law again. Even though my father in law was there that night, he just goes along with my mil and even though this sounds cruel, he just doesn't have any courage or thought to have his own opinion.

I let the matter calm down and I didn't talk to his parents for a few days. We managed to get rent together and made it with help from my parents, church, and scrambling our meager finances. Jason got a phone call from his mom and they chatted and she asked if we were able to pay rent. I guess she sounded surprised when he said of course we did. Anyways, they were going to Costco and like they always do, they ask if we wanted anything from there. We give them money and they get what we like since we don't have a card. He told her that no, we wouldn't be getting anything this time around. She called a day or two later and for some reason asked if we could come by. I can't remember why anymore.

In the meantime, I had to work through why I was so hurt. I came to believe that I wasn't going to let her get to me anymore. I won't say anything bad to the girls about them, I'll try to be better about letting my feelings get the best of me, and I refused to let them see how hurt they made me. I was going to show them by action that just because they were so hurtful, that I was not going to be vindictive or ignore them or anything like that.

So we went over there and I tried to behave like normal. We were only there for about 10 minutes or so. They had gone to Coscto and had some things for us. She bought some dishwasher detergent that we needed, some frozen chicken patties that Lindsey loves, crackers, hamburger patties, and chocolate syrup. It doesn't sound like much, but my mil is very very tight with money. She GAVE that to us and said not to worry about paying them back. We were very touched and made sure they both knew how grateful we were. I was shocked that she would do that but I knew that by changing my attitude towards her made the difference. When dh went to go play video games with his dad later that week, I sent a card with him telling them thank you and we both signed it.

Last time we were there, my mil had heard something pop in her hip area when she stood up from watching the girls ride their bikes. Anyways, a couple of days later, she called to ask about some medicine. I asked what was up and she let me know the pain had gotten much worse. Since I have every pain med known to man, I brought over the Alieve she asked for and something to help at night. We also brought over a good magazine I knew she would enjoy and some blueberry muffins that I had just made. I was very proud of those silly things. lol Anyways, we brought everything over, made her feel comfortable and then left.

Had this happened right after the confrontation with them and Jason, I wouldn't have been so eager to help. But I got what she needed together and we went right over with a couple of comfort items in case it would make her feel better. It made me feel better to help and hopefully let her know that there were no hard feelings and when someone needs help, we immediately do what we are able to do.

I'm so glad that I got my priorities straightened out and made the conscious choice to not to let this bring me down. It was hard, but if I want things to be better, I have to step up and show her Christlike service and caring.

I have to share this story

I live in Portland and a reporter with Channel 2 News, KATU station, has been diagnosed with breast cancer. She can't be more than 40 years old at the most. I am very impressed with how she is handling things. She has made her breast cancer battle public and shown every step of the way with viewers in special stories and videos. I can't believe that she would do that and she is handling things with such grace and class. She is not hiding anything at all. Please take a look at her story. Start with her diagnosis and see what breast cancer is like. It's very true to life.
http://www.katu.com/news/27042074.html#idc-container

Last night was terrible

We've been struggling lately because I still don't have a job and we've run out of places to get the money from. We are trying our best but still, it's really hard. We've been meeting with the bishop and he's been awesome giving us counsel and being supportive and encouraging. We felt like we needed to ask our parents for help this month. We've bothered my parents enough so we thought about approaching dh's parents. We knew how it would go, what they would say, how they would act, etc. They are very set in their ways and see only their way of doing things. Dh went and talked to them last night and I called my parents. I flat out said why I called and almost before I had the words out of my mouth, my mom said she would help us. It was humiliating to say the least, but every little bit helps and I'm very grateful for their willingness to help out.

Dh took a long time to come home last night. He let his parents know exactly what was going on. That we have been struggling for awhile and things have come to a point where we needed to ask family for help. He mentioned that we've had help in the past from our church and my parents. He didn't want to keep secrets from them and wanted to ask if they could help us out. They said they would watch the girls anytime we needed it but they would not give us any money. His mom (the boss) said that from their point of view, the money they see us have is not being spent very well and they cannot in good conscience give us anything until we can improve our spending habits.

She mentioned Saturday that we came to pick up the girls with Sonic slushies. She knows that it's in Vancouver and a drive to get it. Without knowing what led us to Sonic, she assumed we had driven there just to get that and it was a waste of gas and money. What she doesn't know is that we had a DATE for the first time in ages. We went to the Farmer's Market and bought my grandma flowers and her visiting brother some carmel corn. We did buy a small amount of cherries for ourselves. We had a small bite to eat and then we went to visit my sil to get a payment for a Scentsy order. Since we were in the general area, we went to Sonic during the cheapie hour and bought a slushie. So, we are rotten for being on a date.

I know she also brought up how irresponsible it was for us to order a professional quilt to be made. We made that purchase a couple of months ago when we were in a better place. We didn't know things would get that bad. We chose the quilt for our 10 year anniversary coming up in September. We thought it would be a better choice so we could have something that would last a lot longer than a dinner that would only have memories. Maybe not the best choice, but one that is done and over with.

I know they said things about me and they blame me for a lot of things. Some things are justified. I don't keep the house the cleanest it could be. I know that. But hearing them say that really really hurts. They wonder why dh does the bath time instead of me. They want to know about all the pressure that is on dh and worry about him and his health since he is known to internalize stress and get sick. I know feel incredible guilt for everything that I have "put Jason through" this year. Two surgeries, change in meds, losing my job, etc. Because obviously it's all my fault. They said a lot of other things. Dh came home and told me some things. I had to push the rest out of him. But it left me sobbing and wanting to call my mom for comfort.

I'm hurting so badly. All I've ever EVER wanted was to be liked by his parents. I wanted their approval and to know they think these things of me hurts me so much. They made a point of saying certain things and it just makes me feel like crap. I'm trying! I really am. Not to the level they think I should be at, but I'm trying to do what I'm able to do right now. Anyways, I have no desire to be near them ever again. I do know that if I'm ever to be nice from them, I need a good long separation for awhile. The girls and I won't be going over there anytime soon. If they want to contact us, they know the number.

Anxiety attack

I really wish my oncologist had given me a prescription for Xanax or something when I get anxiety attacks. I started to have one last night. Dh and I were discussing finances. A job has come up in the place I used to work. I'd love to work there again. Problem is the job starts at 5pm and dh doesn't get home until at least 5:30pm. We'd have to find someone to watch the girls for at least 90 minutes every day. A lot of miles would be put on the car, plus childcare, plus everything else. What if the girls got sick? All the what ifs came up and we figured out what I would make and what it would cover. Not much. If I could start 1 hour later, things would be better. But it won't work.

Anyways, it felt like everything was crowding in. All my insecurites came to my mind and it felt like a 1000 pound weight on me. I don't like having to have help from other resources just to make rent. I feel like I don't know how to get out of this rut we are in. We desperately need dh to keep his job because of the great health insurance. But damn, it would be nice to have a job where we didn't have to struggle every single week just to cover expenses. Dh works so hard and I'm so proud of him. He does everything he can. I've floated the idea of going back to school to get some type of accounting job because I adore working with money since I've done it for so long. I think I'm going to have to go to a temp agency and look for something.

But all this was weighing on me last night and it was hard to take a breath, my breathing was shallow, and my heart was beating fast. All my demons were in my mind making me feel like I couldn't do anything right. I couldn't feel any relief at all. I started to cry and I felt all alone. Eventually I went to sleep but there is this cloud following me.

Okay, whining over for now. Life is really okay. I'm fairly healthy, no surgeries on the horizon, summer is cooler than usual, and I have my year's worth of homemade jam. Life doesn't get much better than that, right?


UPDATE
I'm so dumb. I just realized that this week my meds are messed up. I'm switching from Celexa to Effexor again because the hot flashes are really bad at times. I've lowered the dose for Celexa while introducing my body to Effexor. So low doses right now and a new medicine. No wonder I'm looney.

Has it been a month?

So many things have happened. I can't believe I haven't updated here in a month. Totally not like me. I will be back later and have a longer post about what's been going on. Wasn't sure anyone would notice anyways.

Surgery

Ever heard of the expression, hurry up and wait? Well, that's what it felt like when I went to the hospital to have surgery. Jason and I got there right on time at 8am. We went to the 2nd floor pre op area and signed in. It took awhile before I was called back. They got me all suited up in my open air gown and ugly navy blue-gray socks. They did tests and got my IV started. It was weird, she found a vein on the back of my forearm and put it in there. Taped it all up and then dh came back to keep me company. Did I mention that just to make life interesting, my period started the day before? Oh yeah, loads of fun. So I decide after I've been sitting around in the surgery triage area, that I have to go to the bathroom. I have to walk around with a sheet around me, a nurse carrying my IV and trying not to move my legs much because I had started in earnest that morning. I get to the bathroom and had to ask for a pad and those lovely mesh undies. It's like what else could they do to make life more humiliating.

Finally I get to go in. Dr Forsythe was there waiting for me in the OR. Very bright and big. I get situated on this tiny little table and the anestisialogist starts the drugs. I immediately get my eyes out of focus and they put a mask over me with oxygen in it. Dr. Forsythe is holding my hand and I wanted to ask her to leave me alone and I was fine. Next thing I know, I'm awake in recovery. My throat is sore and I can't really talk very well. I get back to my room and Jason and my mom are waiting for me. I should have written this soone when I remembered everything! All the little details I want to know are gone. I do know that the doctor showed them the pictures of my innards. I wanted to see them too but wasn't with it enough to ask.

I know that they wouldn't let me have my favorite drink because it had carbonation. So no cranberry juice with Sprite. I asked for graham crackers later and was denied because it would cause me gas. Blech! These people are so boring. So I got some ice water and that was it for awhile. I was okay to talk and interact with people. They told me I had a catheter and wouldn't be able to get up and walk until the morning. That really sucked. I was given a pain pump this time around and that was nice as long as I didn't want to talk with anyone. Within minutes of getting it, I was loopy enough that I didn't have much to say or the attenion span to do it. Once Jason knew I was okay, he went home to take care of the girls. Mom left because I was tired and she would be back with Dad when I was more with it. So I kind of rested and was in and out of it for the afternoon.

It was uncomfortable moving, so I just laid there and didn't even watch tv. I had visitors in the late afternoon. A and G brought me a big bouquet of flowers in gold and maroon colors. Astromarias or something like that. Very beautiful. I was happy on pain pills and chattered with them for awhile. They left and Mom and Dad came. That was a nice visit and they left. I had my mom give me my iPod so I could listen to music while was floating on a cloud. I went to look for my piano selections and realized that I had taken them off. I wanted music where I didn't have to really listen to it and just let it relax me. Instead I had Ricky Martin's Living La Vida Loca and Mayberry by Rascal Flatts and Thriller by Michael Jackson. Not exactly what I had in mind.

Pre op at hospital, etc

I had my pre op at the hospital yesterday. I was hoping like crazy I would get to be in the tower at SWMC, but nope! Still, I get a private room in the remodeled 2nd floor surgery wing. That was where I was before and it was a nice little room. I'm just happy it's a private room. I hate sharing rooms and to have a curtain closing me off bugs me. The nurse went through everything with me and gave me instructions on what to do beforehand and how to prepare. After that was over, I took the girls with me to where I would go on Monday. We entered in the same area, up the elevators and into the waiting room where I would check in. I let them see everything so they wouldn't have questions and it wouldn't be scary to them. They seemed fine with it all.

Tomorrow we leave with my inlaws to La Grande. My fil's half brother and his wife are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary and are having a dinner. My mil asked us to come, paid for the minivan to take us, will spend the money to put us in a hotel, and then we drive back Sunday and will be home Sunday afternoon. My mil is very very very tight with money. Which is why I'm more than a little leery about why we were asked to go in the first place. For her to spend money on us like that has NEVER happened since we've been married. After talking to dh, we figured out that they want to show off the girls. My dh's sister is messed up and so are her kids. So I guess my inlaws want to show that some grandkids turned out okay. I don't know.

But I'm glad to be going. It's going to help make the time more interesting and help me not worry so much about the surgery on Monday. It's all I think about. I'm trying to get things arranged in my head on where the girls will be, who will watch them, will dh get time off, do we have food, will meals be brought in, who's taking me home from the hospital, will it hurt, etc. Just a million things going through my mind constantly and I'm looking forward to this little trip to help make the time go faster. I'm happy it's going to happen and I'm sure it's the right thing. Although we decided before breast cancer that we were done having children, I'm really really moody and depressed now. Deciding we are done is so much more different than not being able to have them. So I'm mourning that loss of what my body used to be able to do and will never do again. I love my girls and my family how we are. But it's always the matter of what if. Now it never will BE.

I guess that's why I'm turning into the world's biggest bitch. I'm mean, I'm loud, I'm angry, not nice, and totally a moody wench. I think dh is afraid of me. I would be. I don't know how to make it better so I alienate everyone around me. Not the best move. It just hurts.

Pre Op with Dr Forsythe

I went to my appointment today with Dr Forsythe. Everything was fine. I'm not going in at 5:30am like I thought on Monday, I'm going in at 8am. I was hoping for the first slot, but because a patient has diabetes, she goes first because of blood sugar issues. That's fine. I can call my babies in the morning and tell C to have a good day at school. Dh is getting the week off to help out and my mom will bring me home on Monday while dh has the girls at home.

I'm super anxious for this to happen. Mostly because the more time I have to think about it, the worse it gets. My imagination runs wild and my stomach gets into knots. I'd rather it be tomorrow so I can hurry and get it over with. But with time, I keep thinking of every little thing I'd like to have done before I go in. More tomorrow after the hospital pre op appointment.

Definitely having surgery now, June 9th, here I come

Well, it's been decided. I went to see Dr. Forsythe yesterday and I'm definitely having surgery. Just not the kind I thought I would. But anyways, L and I went to the office yesterday and Mom met us there. She watched L while I talked to the doctor. I wasn't sure if she would want an exam and I really didn't want L to see anything.

Dr. Forsythe is awesome. I'm so glad I go see her. Anyways, she comes in and I tell her why I want to have an ooph. She listens and then tells me, why not do the whole thing? She gives her reasons, including some embarrassingly obvious ones that I had forgotten, including the stupid period from hell. So we talk it over and decide that I will have a hysterectomy. It has a really long name, Laparoscopic Supercervial Hysterectomy(LSH). It just means that they will go in through about 3 tiny incisions and take out everything but the stump of my cervix. She said to keep that to help with sexual activity and to keep up the wall within or whatever it's called. I've already forgotten.

Anyways, I was prepared for an ooph, but was shaken when she said the hysterectomy. But I kept it together until I left. I've gotten really good at that. Do well at appointments and then shake in the car. The doctor said that she would put me as the first case of the day. It will be on June 9th, Monday morning. I go to SWMC and have to be there at 5:30am. I will be home Tuesday afternoon/evening, she said she could even arrange it so that I wouldn't be released until Jason comes to pick me up after work. Whatever worked for me. She's trying to be very accomodating. I think she's wonderful. I'm in planning mode right now. Trying to figure out my babies and if I can handle things on my own if Jason has to go to work, etc.

I feel such peace now. This whole week has been full of emotion and drama and once I had gotten it decided what surgery to have, I felt so much better. (After a good shake and cry in the car that is.)I was almost elated, not excited to have surgery, but happy to have it decided.

I am upset about something. I was planning to have a GWO with friends about 2 weeks later after surgery. I've decided not to go because I don't think it would be fair to my family. Go have surgery, be in the hospital, rearrange their lives to accommodate me, and then recover at home. Two weeks later, leave for a fun weekend, and leave them all at home. Not right and I would feel terrible about it. So I stay home and wish like crazy I could be there. Then there's the other part of this. I know we stopped with two kids for a reason and didn't have any more. I've been sad but okay with it. But now, knowing I will never ever be able to physically carry a child is hard to deal with right now. It's one thing to decide not to do something, but something else to know the choice is being taken away from you. It's like mourning all over again.

Do you ever feel like you don't belong?

Stupid freaking hormones. I'll be glad when they are all gone.

Do you ever feel like you are back in high school? That you want to be confident and happy and with friends? But in the back of your mind you feel like the ugly geeky kid that will never have a chance to be with the cool kids? It's my own personal doing that makes me feel this way. My self esteem is shot and I know that. I make myself feel that way, no one else. I have my mind set what I think is the cool group whatever the heck that means. And I know I'm not a part of it. I see myself and wonder why the hell anyone would want to be friends with me. I'm fat, I'm not funny, I don't have much, I'm whiney, got health issues, lazy, I'm incredibly shy, no self worth, and I don't know what I want in life. I'm so envious of those who know who they are and what they want. It may be the simplest things, but they KNOW and they go after it. That's incredible to me. To have drive and focus and say what you mean and stand up for it and not be cowed by opinions or who's more popular or whatever.

I'm rambling now. I hate to be vulnerable and I opened myself up in a way today that made me vulnerable. I hate that! I hate to feel bared open with no defenses. So now I want to go hide and pretend I didn't say anything because heaven knows it will probably be taken the wrong way.

Six month oncologist appointment

I had my 6 month visit on Monday with my oncologist. My levels seem fine though he says I'm a bit anemic. I told him of my desire to do the oopherectomy. Honestly, I'd be fine with that or the hysterectomy, either one. He said that I'm perfectly within my rights to do it. He can't say do this or that, but he did say that the aromatise inhibitors have a 20% better chance of preventing reaccurence then tamoxifen does. I can't have those AIs until my ovaries are gone which is a good reason why I want to do it. He did a very thorough exam and after being worried that he felt something that shouldn't be there on my right side under side, he said I was fine.

So I leave and get in the car. I want to sit and cry like I always do but I didn't. I kind of wish he would be a little more ...something. I don't know what. Maybe not take things so laid back and act like things are no big deal. But then, I think of stuff like this 24/7 and he doesn't. I shouldn't expect him to act the same way.

I have my visit with Dr. Forsythe tomorrow. She's the gyno surgeon that will help me make the right choice on whether to do the hysterectomy or the ooph. I'd be fine with the hysterectomy, but it means more money, more time of dh being out of work, and me being more away from my babies. But for me personally, I'd rather do it and get every last bit of female parts out of me. But I can't do things out of fear.

Surgery in my future

I have a couple of appointments coming up next week. I see my oncologist for a 6 month check up on Monday and I see the gynocologist surgeon on Thursday. I had another period that was a normal one for once. Not too incredibly heavy or anything. I never know how it's going to be but I always prepare for the worst just to be on the safe side. In the midst of it, I got fed up. I got my courage up and called the surgeon and said that I wanted to schedule a time to do an oopherectomy. Doing this would take out my ovaries and I wouldn't be taking tamoxifen anymore. It would also put me into permanent menopause and I would start taking different cancer drugs, potentially better than what I was taking before.

The surgeon's office put a potential sugery date of June 9th down. Then they called back and want me to come talk with the doctor before hand so she can get reaquainted with me and talk with her and make sure that's what I want to do. So there is the slight possibility this could turn into a hysterectomy, but I'm not thinking so.

I have many reasons for wanting this surgery. I want to prevent every bit of estrogen from having a chance to give me cancer. I want to never have to deal with wondering if this month's period is going to be a heavy nasty disaster or a normal one. I can handle the hot flashes and what comes with that, I've done it before, doing it again is no big deal. I don't want to have to go to the doctor's office to have a biopsy wondering if cancer has come back in a different area.

Mostly I'm scared of cancer again. I know I can handle it. But I've seen my friends on support boards get cancer again, either a recurrence or it appears somewhere else. Not everyone makes it and it's so damn hard to watch a friend die. That happened recently with two lovely wonderful ladies with little children. Those children will not have their mothers around and may not even remember them. I don't want that to happen to my children. I want to be around forever and drive them crazy. So I guess you could say it's selfish reasons that I want it. I'm scared and I don't want to deal with periods.

But I see my oncologist on Monday and let him know what is going on and get his opinons. My surgeon said she would do whatever I wanted. I just hope it all works out.

I'm getting the itch for reconstruction again

I have a friend named Jen on the YSC bulletin board that just had a DIEP flap reconstruction. She lives in Idaho but no one there does that type of surgery. She had family in Portland where I live, but no one here does it either. She went to a Dr. Isik at Swedish Hospital in Seattle to have it done. She had it on 4/21 and got home in the last couple of days. She entered the hospital on a Monday and left to go to a rented apartment on Thursday. I think she was in that place for about a week recovering before she went home.

After hearing her story and hearing so many others doing this, I'm getting the desire to do this again. I want to be whole again! I want to have a womanly shape without having to strap it on. I love wearing V neck shirts, not deep V necks, but the normal kind. Can't do that now. I don't have a swimsuit to wear that supports a fake boob and I haven't had a new suit since I was married. Not getting one now. But anyways, I start listening to her story and I asked her a bunch of questions. I wanted to know if it hurt, how could she stay away from her kids, who stayed with her, where did she go after surgery, etc.

This surgery is not just about me. If I did this, I would have to be gone from my children. There is no one in Portland that does this type of surgery. I know that person in Seattle does it, a lady from the breast cancer conference in San Francisco does it, NOLA does it in Louisiana. My ideal is to go to Seattle since I have heard so much about this doctor and have the chance to meet some ladies from both the YSC board and also from my private church mom's board. Plus, it's closer than anybody else.

I started dreaming about it and allowed myself to get excited. I even did something totally stupid. I called my mom and round about asked if she would come to Seattle to be with me when I had the surgery. Bad idea. It didn't go well. She said she would support me, but she doesn't think I should do it. Not really. She has too many worries here to deal with being with me. I know that, but dang it, it really hurt. I don't want to ask my dh because I want a parent here with the children so they wouldn't be scared or worried, and I think he would be bored. Plus, I saw him cleaning me up after my surgery and how much he didn't want to and he looked like he was going to throw up. I don't want that again. Anyways, I felt hurt that if I did this, my mom really didn't think it was a good idea and couldn't really be there for me. It was like a major pop to my balloon in a sense.

I must be pmsing, because I just bawled after I got off the phone with her. She says she can't be away that long from my grandma that has medical issues, I get that. She says she would have to come down and check on her and back up, etc. But I have to say I'm jealous and wanted my mommy. But then I just remembered, she just got back from a trip to see my sister and her kids in Idaho and she managed to be gone over a week and didn't have to come check on my grandma once. Is it priorities or is it she doesn't fully agree with my surgery and therefore it's easier to refuse to help? I don't know, but yeah, I'm jealous of wanting her attention.

Then reality sinks in. There's a good chance the surgeons I want don't take my insurance, I'd be away from my babies too long, I'm more scared of surgery now, someone would have to keep the girls, dh would have to work, take care of the girls, etc., and finances. So that brief little flicker or excitement is gone. It would be so exciting, but I have to face the facts that I'm not likely to be able to have this surgery. It breaks my heart, again to know it won't happen. Every time I get excited, then I realize that it won't happen, and I bawl all over again. Like I'm doing now.

For those who don't know what a DIEP flap is, here's a link: http://www.breastcancer.org/dictionary/d/deepinferiorepigastricperforatortissueflap_t.jsp

Brain MRI results

Before I went to the ER last week, my doctor wanted me to have an MRI. She wasn't sure what was causing my headaches but wanted to be on the safe side. So I finally go in for it and as I'm getting up off the table, I get the results. Once the test was over, I stayed on the table for a few minutes while they checked the results and called my doctor. She called me and let me know everything was fine and it probably is just stress. I'm very grateful to know everything is fine. But I sat in the car and started to cry afterwards. You get yourself so worked up to prepare yourself in case anything is wrong, you try to expect it so it won't hurt when you get the news, and then you hear you're fine. But I'm also still upset and worried that all they can tell me is that it's probably "just stress". Why all of a sudden is it hitting me? I've had stress for the last two years and never had them before now. My doctor then proceeds to tell me that I should go have more dates with my husband. Oh, okay, THAT'S going to make it all better. Why didn't I think of that before?

Also, just because I like to keep track of things, I had migraines Wednesday and Thursday. Thank goodness the Midrin kicked in once I got that stinking visual aura.

Almost another trip to the ER

We wanted to clean and change the girls room around. Unload the bunkbeds and keep them seperate. Their room is hard to manage, so it was tricky. Anyways, I was unscrewing the side rails from the top bunk. First three sides were fine and then the last screw on the last side was stuck a bit, so I reached inside on the bottom and helped it along. Bad idea. when it finally got loose, the rail fell and smashed into my finger. I screamed pretty good and grabbed my finger and said a few things I maybe shouldn't have. Oh my heck, it hurt so bad. I finally let go of my finger to see a bunch of blood. Great. I run to the bathroom and start cleaning it off. At first I couldn't see where the main owie was. All I could think of was I really didn't want to have stitches and go to the ER AGAIN. Just my luck. I was bawling and so upset with myself for being so dumb, I was crying from the day before and all that went with going to the ER, and also because it hurt so dang bad. It's been a really emotional couple of days.

Turns out I just gouged myself pretty deep and tore off a bunch of skin and didn't need stitches. It throbbed really bad for a long time though. My father in law had to come over and help move the beds around because I hurt myself. Plus, not being 6 weeks out from my other surgery, it wouldn't have been wise to help move the top bunk. I felt humiliated. When my inlaws came to take L the day before, I am probably imagining it, but I felt like they thought I was faking it and I could just feel contempt from them. I hadn't planned on going to the ER. I was freaked out into it and I shouldn't have called dh from work. He immediately dropped everything and ran home. I was glad for the company but I didn't feel it was an emergency and I most definitely didn't want to go to the hospital.

After we got home, dh talked to me. He didn't like having to leave work the way he did just to find out it was a migraine. (like I said it was, but nobody believed me) Naturally I felt like crap and guilty like I had planned the whole thing. I was also mad. No one believed me! Now I have even more stress than was on me than before. I can't seem to win.

That's a big reason why I was crying yesterday when I hurt my finger. A lot of it was pain, but mostly a release from all the pressure and emotion from the day before. I still feel it, but now that I've cried, it's easier to handle. On to another day.

Yet another ER trip

I'm home from the longest ER visit I've ever been on. I guess I'm lucky. I've only had to go to the ER in the evening or middle of the night, never right smack in the middle of the day.

I got another migraine today. Started with the same vision aura as the ER doc calls it. Then it proceeded to bad headache. Anyways, when the vision thing started, I called my doctor I saw yesterday. Left a message for them. Tried not to freak out again. The doctor's assistant calls back and tells me if I feel bad enough and if I need to, to go to the ER. So I call Jason in a panic and tell him I just have another headache and that my doctor wants me to go to the ER. He hangs up and tells work he is leaving.

I get L taken to my inlaw's house. Jason comes home. In between that time, my doctor calls again and tells me to call 911 and have an ambulance come and get me and take me in. They are scaring me to death! It's a stupid headache and they are scaring me into thinking it's something way worse and deadly. Jason gets home and after the bread comes out of the bread machine, we head to SWMC and the ER. I didn't know I would be having problems and started a loaf of bread and I refused to leave until it was out. Priorities, I tell ya. Anyways, I took two Vicodin thinking that would help with the pain. It didn't touch it. Made me all floaty and a tad loopy after awhile. I also got really sick to my stomach, shaky, and freezing cold. Thank heavens for my Warrior hoodie. I stayed in that thing all day. I love it and it's falling apart.

So we get to the ER and I think from past experience that I will be called back fairly quickly. Nope. Over two hours later they finally call me back. After talking to the nurse, eventually the doctor comes in. Imagine Barbie and Ken dolls. Now think of Ken as Dr. Ken and you get my doctor. Way too much tanning and blond hair and blue eyes. I had to almost bite my lip to stop myself from asking where Barbie was. He said it's probably migraines and would do a CT scan to be safe since they couldn't give me an MRI. Don't know why, but they wouldn't. The scan was fine, I got a funky shot of Imitrex in my arm and eventually went home. That shot was really really weird. I don't recommend it.

I have a prescription for Midrin and Jason went to go pick up the kids and the meds so in case this happens again, I hurry and pop one of those pills and it helps right away to lessen the headache. So long story short, I had a headache, it was JUST a headache, but all doctors panic now and I end up with yet another ER visit and bill. Great. Just what your zero bank account can handle. I wish they hadn't freaked me out so bad and I would have stayed home and been fine. I feel like such a loser and phony.

My doctor says I'm weird

Whatever. Or maybe it was the doctor's assistant that called me back yesterday. Anyways, I've noticed that my doctors handle me with kid gloves now. I sneeze and automatically they think the worst now. But I'd rather they do that then ignore my concerns and various problems that have come up. I'm glad someone paid attention when I went to the ER last month. I'm glad I didn't waste anyone's time either.

So when I started getting bizarre headaches and vision problems, they take me seriously. Instead of just being told over the phone that I might have a migraine, they want me to come in, just in case. So I made a doctor's appointment for this afternoon and I go in. I guessed it was a migraine and it very well could be. The doctor accounts it to stress. You think so? So much stuff is going on, too much to write down. Hell yes I'm stressed!! She gives me two lidoderm patches and puts one on me right away across the back of my neck. It almost instantly numbs it and I don't feel all that tension bunching up in my neck and shoulders.

Oh yeah, when I get in the room, they want to check my blood sugar levels. My kids were watching while sitting up on the examing table. I look over during the middle of the blood draw and they have their hands covering their eyes so they can't see anything. I don't know why, but it just struck me as the most hilarious thing in the world.

Then, just to be "on the safe side", she schedules me for a brain MRI. Great. Jason was worried last night half joking that my headaches might be a brain tumor. I don't want to have to tell him that I have to have my brain looked at for real. Just what we need. Think good thoughts for next Tuesday morning!