Wordless Wednesday

More ramblings

More about my friend diagnosed with breast cancer. Becky is a good friend of mine growing up. We lived 3 blocks away from each other and are about 6 months apart in age. She was just diagnosed with breast cancer and will be having a double mastectomy on Monday. I know 4 lymph nodes are positive for cancer and it has only affected one side. The other side will be a prophylactic surgery with immediate reconstruction. I don't know what other treatment she will have.

I made some more raspberry freezer jam today. We bought a flat from Hartnell Farms in Portland. Technically, we got them for free. Thanks to that humiliating WIC program we are apart of, we got $20 in farmer's market coupons. I've been craving raspberries and wanted to use my coupons to get some berries and make some more freezer jam. So we searched for this farm that my friend V and I had been to before and picked raspberries with our families. I vaguely remember being about to use WIC coupons there, so I thought it would be fun to try again. A jam flat was $20 which is exactly what I had in coupons. Very nice. Then I had a gift card that a friend had sent me in the mail for Walmart. We went there and bought the sugar, pectin, and small freezer containers to make the jam. All of this and it didn't cost us a dime!! I was so giddy and excited after getting the berries. I wanted to race home and make everything. We waited until today and made a ton of it. Chloe helped me and it feels great to have all those containers sitting on the table. So much fun in fact, that I called the farm today and asked if they had marionberries in flats. They did! So we went for a little ride and bought a flat of berries and I'm making marionberry freezer jam after church tomorrow.

Relay for Life experience

So I went and did the Vancouver Relay for Life at Columbia River High school. I went last year and it was a pretty emotional event because I was just going through treatment and kind of weak. This year I went and while it felt great to be with other survivors, I didn't feel a super deep connection with it like I did last year.

An explanation is in order I think. Relay for Life is an event sponsored by the American Cancer Society (ACS) where you have teams of people walking for 24 hours. All proceeds goes to the ACS. There has to be at least one person from your team walking on the track for 24 hours and you are carrying a baton since you are in a "relay". It seems that everyone usually has a sign up list of who will walk when. You try to raise money beforehand or your team can hold a raffle and make money that way. The survivors all wear purple survivor shirts, the caretakers wear white, and the team leaders had bright ugly orange shirts. That way you can see who is who.

There was a group photo of all the survivors to start things off. Then the survivor lap where all the survivors walk around the track and all the teams stand on the sidelines and cheer the survivors on. Last year it was crazy emotional and I bawled. I had to have Jason walk with me. This year, I found my friend Tonya from chemo and walked the lap and chatted the entire time. I was so glad to see her, it's been since December or November since I saw her last when we were going through radiation together.

I had signed up through the internet to be apart of my cancer doctor's team, Northwest Cancer Specialists. I was stupid and didn't contact the team leader till a couple of days before the event. Then I found out that the rest of the team was from the office and they were all communicating via office email and everything had been planned out and I was unintentionally excluded. No one had me signed up to walk, I didn't bring anything, and nobody really talked to me all day.

Will finish later. I can't concentrate. I just found out my childhood friend who is the same age as I am was diagnosed with breast cancer.

Wordless Wednesday

Wordless Wednesday

Reconstructive surgeon visit and physical therapist visit

So I have to shop around for a new reconstructive surgeon. My original one stopped taking my insurance so I had to find someone else. I wouldn't be able to do anything till I've been out of treatment for a year to give my skin time to heal from radiation. I didn't want to wait till the last minute before choosing one, so I've been searching for awhile now. I didn't realize that there are very few surgeons in the area that will do the reconstruction I want to do. I was told initially that trying to have an implant again was out of the question, but maybe not. As fun as the last experience was, I'm not ready to do it again. It was incredibly painful and it didn't work.

So I feel like I'm going through the yellow pages trying to find someone that will work with my insurance. I thought I had one, but they only take a certain type of insurance plan and that happens to be the one I don't have. So I find someone else. I find out she has a website and I go check it out. It's very sleek and very beautiful and shows before and after pictures of the surgery I want. I had high hopes. Then I found out she only works out of a hospital that I'm leery of and it's way out in Beaverton. Even in good traffic, it's a ways out there. But I go to meet her anyways because I forgot I made the appointment till the reminder call and I had nothing to lose. It would be nice to get another opinion.

I hadn't thought of this before, but every person I dealt with at Dr. Waldorf's office was very pretty. I guess it wouldn't do to have an ugly person working at a plastic surgeon's office. That's intimidating. Plus the fact that I had the directions backwards and was nearly 20 minutes late. I've NEVER been late to a single appointment ever. So it wasn't starting off well. I finally get to meet the doctor and the way she talks and her attitude is very uncomfortable. She did have tons of knowledge and she does 8-10 of them a month. She does the tram flap, but not the free tram flap. Anyways, I felt like I was almost disturbing her and that she had quite the ego and how dare I question her or not accept everything she had to say. But I was nervous and maybe I'm imagining things. Most doctors I've dealt with have been very kind and I guess it's normal to have one that's not that way. I left with good information but still not 100% happy with her as a surgeon.

I've been having slight swelling with my right hand. The back of it and two of my fingers are slightly swollen. So when I saw Dr. Schneider last week I mentioned it to him and I called this week again and they set it up for me to see a lymphedema physical therapist in the breast center at the hospital. I went to SWMC (St Joe's) to have my surgeries and the breast center was in a wing of that hospital. I felt like I was coming home. I've had 5 surgeries here including my csections. They finished remodeling the hospital and adding a huge new section in January.

So I go there and meet with John. After Dr. Waldorf's visit this week, I was kind of nervous to get a doctor like here again. Full of herself and ego driven. John was great! It was a relief. I'm terrified of lymphedema and he explained everything out for me. He asked questions, measured my fingers individually, then my wrist, the back of my hand, and then different points up my arm. He showed my a couple of exercises to strengthen my pectoral muscles which I haven't done since my surgery. I know it's my fault for not seeking it, but I've not done any stretching muscles to strengthen and stretch my right side where I had surgery.

John and I talked and I could open up and ask questions that I didn't feel good about asking with Dr. Waldorf. He made me feel completely at ease. Bad news is that I definitely have lymphedema, it's just not bad yet. It's completely manageable and although it will be a hassle, it won't ruin my life. I have to wear a glove every day as soon as I get up and only take it off at night. I have a glove, but it's not a custom fit and it's as blah and beige and medical looking as they come. Plus, it doesn't leave my fingertips free and makes my right hand useless since I can't pick up any small things or grip anything with my fingers. I want to hit www.lymphedivas.com and order a good fitted gauntlet. They need more fabrics though. lol I go back in a week to see John's partner Jody and hopefully get fitted for a gauntlet.

Radiation oncologist appointment today

I had my 6 month visit from Dr. Schneider, my radiation oncologist. I can't believe it's been over 6 months since I finished rads. Scary in a way. I was looking forward to this appointment in a way. When I'm physically doing something towards healing myself, it's easier to handle. Otherwise I feel like I'm in the dark and don't know what to do next. With active treatment, you know that this appointment will happen, this test will be done, I can expect this surgery, etc. When you go months at a time without doing anything, it's freaking scary. How do I know that breast cancer isn't just waiting for me around the corner?

So I go to the appointment with high hopes and a good attitude. The nurse starts asking me normal questions about how I'm doing and my good attitude starts to go down the drain. I get more and more down. Dr. Schneider comes in and does the exam and it goes well. Everything is fine, nothing to be concerned about. He asks lots of questions and I tell him I've decided against reconstruction at this time because I've been given the impression from my dh and family that they don't want me to do it. I need their support to do this and they would give it if I asked, but not willingly. I want them to want it for me and they aren't able to do this. Plus the fact that even with insurance, we can't really afford it. It almost seems like a luxury right now. I'm able to live without out, though not happily. The doctor was concerned about my choice regarding this. He asked if Jason and I have had counseling or if at least I have. After my initial visit with the cancer counselor at Cancer Care Resourses, I haven't been back. It's hard for me to open up to someone who knows nothing about me. They don't know my beliefs or anything. If I ever find a counselor through LDSFS that gets the cancer thing, I'll be there.

Next the doctor figured that I was going to be up for my annual mammagram in September and he set that up. It's hard to believe that it's almost been a year since my last one. Then he is setting me up to visit with a physical therapist with specialties in lymphedema. A couple of fingers on my affected side have been a bit swollen on the lower half of my finger since September and he wants to make sure that I have it looked at and to basically educate me on what to expect and what to look for. I'm simply terrified of getting it. I've seen one woman with a horrible case and I'm extremely careful but not too knowledgable on it. So Dr. Schneider set me up with all these appointments and I'm ready to go.

But I'm so dang depressed!!! I leave and I'm just in a nasty depressed funk the rest of the day. I want to cry constantly and I want to be mothered and taken care of. I finally figured it out. I was fine till I got to the doctor's office which is where I went for all my treatments, both chemo and radiation. I had tons of bloodwork there, xrays, shots, IVs, etc. I've been poked, prodded, pictured, radiated, filled with poison, etc. So no wonder I get depressed going there! I associate that place with pain and suffering and depression. Sooooooo many memories when I walk through that door.

I'm also struggling in another way. I am on a private board where I feel I'm known simply as that chick with breast cancer. In a way it's great because I'm emailed constantly with ladies who are scared about a lump they find and they ask questions. I'm so glad they do that and feel comfortable with me. I find out when a sister or a mother or other family member has been hit with breast cancer. I'm so glad I can help with questions or concerns or anything they need. But in another way, it's so damn hard. I know all the wonderful clinical trials going on to find new meds and treatments for women with breast cancer but every day more and more women are being diagnosed with it. With every announcement of someone I know being diagnosed, I take it personally and become so depressed. One with a reaccurance, one with mets, one with a lumpectomy, or one with something else. It's heartbreaking! The women on my breast cancer board I'm especially close to. It hurts me terribly to hear someone else who has developed mets or has lost the battle to kill the beast. I literally feel another piece of my heart just break off.

Wordless Wednesday

I have an oncologist appointment this morning. Plus, this was my hairdo a year ago on July 18th.

Momentary lapse of control

I'm a stinking mess right now. There are so many things I'm struggling with and worried about. I'm trying to be strong and brave and this stupid thing makes me sit here with tears running down my face.

I miss my cleavage!!! Huge and pain in the ass that it was, I miss having two boobies. I miss looking down and seeing them squished together in a bra. I miss wearing a nice V neck shirt that showed a tiny bit of skin and made me feel good about my top half. Just leaning on my elbows with my chin in one hand and looking down and seeing a nice view that I can offer my dh. It's something so completely selfish with what I'm worrying about. But maybe because it's so small compared to some other stuff that is making it easier to be upset about. I have one nicely shaped left boob and the other side is a lumpy carved out radiated scarred chest wall with a cotton stuffed in my bra to try and make me look even. I hate it. I hate my body and how it looks now. I just sick of what this stupid disease has made me into.

Wordless Wednesday

Yes, I realize this is late. Do you know which child is mine?

I joined the Relay for Life for Vancouver!

Holy cow. It was an amazing experience last year and I wasn't in a position to participate but I am now. I shakily signed up to be a part of a team that is trying to raise money for the American Cancer Society. I went last year and walked in the Survivor's Lap and I just bawled. It was such a powerful feeling. I know I won't be able to walk 24 hours worth, but the goal is to have one member of each team on the track for at least 24 hours. I want to help. I want to decorate a luminaria and do something. I'll have more information coming when I have it. But if anyone is interested in learning more, I have a link for more info. Just go to this link and find out what you need to find out. Thanks for looking!

Support me in my Relay for Life!!https://www.kintera.org/faf/donorReg/donorPledge.asp?ievent=191640&lis=1&kntae191640=473919F646B04EF08643EEE458BB2E2F&supId=181388527

No surgery for now

I'm really disappointed but right now this is what has to happen. I really wanted to have the free tram flap surgery, but with our limited options, it just can't happen now. I found out the surgeon I wanted is not covered by my insurance plan and quite honestly, I don't want to go to anyone else. I don't trust why they would be doing it. Are they more concerned about the plastic surgery part of it or the reconstruction of my breast? I want to be made whole again and I won't settle for less than the best. It's a long surgery, long time in the hospital, long time to recover. It's a major inconvinience for everyone around me and I hate feeling like a bother or that I'm doing it for selfish reasons. I have a feeling there are a couple of people in my family that feels that way and I can't help letting that affect me. Plus, we have no money to pay for the drugs or the surgery itself, even with insurance paying a majority of it. I'm very unhappy to be stuck being Uniboob. But, you do what you have to do.

Very late Wordless Wednesday

Ah yes. Our siblings and their very interesting talents. My brother here is blowing his own horn. With his nose. We are all very proud.

Almost Wordless Wednesday

We just got back from the beach yesterday. We had a family camping trip at Cape Lookout on the Oregon Coast and stayed in yurts. (we think it's camping anyways. lol) Anyways, here's a couple of my favorite pictures. Thank heavens for Uncle John and Aunt Katie to entertain 4 little girls.

Smokey Mountains trip or Salt Lake City trip?

I belong to two different internet boards. One is for my breast cancer and one is a bunch of women that belong to the same church as I do. The breast cancer board is for those younger women that have been diagnosed with breast cancer and are either in treatment or are NED. The other one is for women that obviously belong to the same church. Both have members from different areas around the world. Each group has their own unique perspective on the world.

In February I went to a breast cancer conference for young women affected by it in DC. Got to put names to faces and bodies that I met in person. Had a wonderful experience and got to know several people better. I've been apart of the church group board for quite a long time and have met at least 10-20 of them and stayed in contact with these women on the board through everything imaginable. Each group has helped me out in certain ways.

The hard thing is that each group is planning get togethers this summer. The church group has managed to get a huge home in the Salt Lake area to borrow and at least 40-50 women will be in and out throughout a weekend in July. The breast cancer group is planning a trip to the Smokey Mountains in a gorgeous rental cottage outside of Knoxville, Tennessee. My favorite people from the breast cancer conference will be there and I think no more than 20 women or so will be there. I have a free ticket on Frontier airlines that I could use if I was able to go somewhere this summer. The question is, which would I choose? The breast cancer women have just breast cancer and being young as a common denominator. The other group has our church, being young mothers, the long time we have all known each other, and it's close and I have family in Utah.

I know which one I should choose, if I were to go. But honestly, I'd rather go to the breast cancer trip. I've never been to the Smokey Mountains, my bestest buddies that KNOW what I've gone through are going to be there, and even though we aren't the same religion, there's something about that group that I would rather spend time with than anyone else.

I can't afford to go anywhere anyways, but it's always fun to dream. I may have the airline ticket, but I can't leave my babies and my dh again. I took a lot of heat because I left in February for the breast cancer conference. Not from my dh, but other "family" members. As it is, I'm on both boards daily and it's so dang hard to listen to everyone chatter about the trips and what's going to happen and who's going and so on. So I have to ignore it and try to be interested in something else so it won't kill me to know I'm missing out on such a fun time. Dang, it sucks to be poor sometimes.

Wordless Wednesday

Once in a while I take a picture that just turns out right. This was one of them. One of my favorite animals at the zoo. I'm borrowing Wordless Wednesday from a friend. She does this every Wednesday on her blog and I'm going to try and do the same.

I'm calling in ugly today

Ever have those days where you aren't sick but feel emotionally sick? My friend on my breast cancer support board calls it calling in ugly. I'm whining big time here so if that's not your thing or you're rolling your eyes, just bypass this post.

I think it comes when I'm pmsing. I get really low moods and my "ugliness" comes out. I notice all the bad stuff. I went to two doctors this week and didn't know till I stepped on the scale that I have gained so much weight. I know I haven't eaten well, but that number jumping out at me on the scale really took me back. My fat jello arms are bugging me, chemo brain has made me forget, space out, or otherwise become a permanent blond like the kind that everyone makes jokes about. I'm terrified of getting lymphadema so I haven't done much exercising with my arms. I get tired quickly, and I know how I look with tri colored hair, braces, plain face, and extremely low self esteem. I was mistaken yet again for a man this week at Walmart by an older man. Nothing like that to make you feel like garbage.

So I'm off to drown my sorrows in some chocolate or Pepsi or something equally bad for me. Then the cycle starts all over again.

I want to be pretty for a day

You know how your mom always tells her kids they are beautiful? Well, mine did. I believed it too till I grew up and knew better. I know I'm not worldly pretty at all. I'm plain. I have thick glasses, braces on my teeth at 34, I'm chubby, ugly short colored hair, etc. I was mistaken for a man just this week and it's not been the first time. I know I'm not pretty and now my mom can't keep telling me that and have me believe it anymore. I'm old enough to know better and it totally and completely sucks. I'm a size 18/20 and in my mind's eye I still see me as a size 12. So it's a complete and utter shock to see pictures of myself looking like the fat cow that I am. It makes me depressed all over again.

Drives me nuts when pretty girls sit there and say they are ugly and wish they could change things. Do you know how hard it is to sit there and not say anything? Dang it!!!! I would love to be pretty for one day. To have the face that men want to stare at, the beautiful smile, reasonable body, etc. Just for one day!!!!

I'm really kind of discouraged

I'd like to try and join a CSA program or community supported agriculture program. The foods are oreganic, home grown, and you get deliveries every week during the spring through the fall. They have various fruits, veggies, herbs, and other goodies up for grabs. If I could get what I wanted, I would go for a whole share and get a big nice box of fresh goodies every week from the farm. I'd have a chance to get berries to make jam, veggies and salad greens for salads, and other fun stuff. Our family doesn't eat very well and I thought by joining this program that it would help improve how we eat. But it's late that I'm getting interested and it costs a whole bunch to join. I'm trying to get a food share scholarship but that's been really hard to nail down. I have calls and emails out to several farms, but so far I've only heard back from one. My doctors all say I need to eat better and what can be better than farm fresh organic fruits and vegetables? I just wish what I really needed didn't cost so much.

Up and down week, mostly down

Tell me to go take my meds. I haven't done it in nearly a week and I can really tell a difference. It was a hard week emotionally and then I forgot to take meds and I'm just having the hardest time. I'm sick of taking medicine all the time. Take my vitamins, my tamoxifen, Lexapro, spiro-something, and then in the evening, take some more tamoxifen. This is nothing compared to when I was in chemo. At any one time I was taking Emend(3 day round of pills costing $50), Benedryl, Vicodin, Percoset, Neulasta, Lexapro or Prozac, Tylenol, phenegren, AC, Taxol, Gemzar, muscle relaxers, and Ativan. Something to calm you down when you have anxiety. They would give it to me in my IV when having chemo. At one time they were even going to give me Ambien too because I got insomnia so bad. So up to 8-9 meds at one time. Half of them were killing me and making me so weak I could barely get up and the other half was supposed to keep me sane and not puking my brains out. Right now I'd give anything for my bed with fresh clean sheets and a percoset. Just go to sleep for awhile and ignore the world.

Updates on me

It seems like I haven't been updating like I should. I've been in a weird funk so either I forget to update or I don't feel like I have anything good to say.
This past week has been extremely emotional for me. A year ago at this time, I was thinking constantly about my upcoming surgery. Every moment of everyday was consumed by it. My thoughts, my dreams, everything I touched, or felt, or heard was all SURGERY, or YOUR BREAST IS BEING CUT OFF, or YOU HAVE CANCER. So trying to make this year better than last year was hard and I don't know if I was trying to escape my memories of last year or improve on them. I kept telling my dh that I wanted to have a really good birthday because last year sucked so bad. But I didn't know how to make it better. I don't know still what I was looking for. So I was trying to make new happy memories on my birthday while still remembering what happened last year. The same with April 13th when I had my mastectomy. I don't want to forget, but I don't want that date to always bring me bad memories either. So my emotions have been on one giant roller coaster lately.

We have discovered a new hobby called geo caching. You get a GPS handheld system and using the longitude and latitude, you search out little caches that people have left all over the world. We did one at the beach with friends while staying in a beach house that a member of the stake presidency helped build.

Clues are left behind along with the coordinates and you search for it in different areas. We went to www.geocaching.com and searched in our zip code for different easy caches and found a ton of them. So far we are up to 18 caches found. At the beach this past week, I think we found at least 10 of them. It was great! The picture to the right shows what one of them looks like. You can use almost any type of container, but this person used an old ammo can painted with camoflauge colors and hidden in the base of a tree covered with foliage. We had dh, dd, my fil, and nephew together so it wasn't too terribly difficult to find it. Still, it was great fun and filled the time while we were there.

We decided while dh was on vacation that we would go to the beach and go yurt camping. For some unknown reason, we thought it would be fun to invite Jason's parents. An update, I haven't been to my inlaws house for anything since the day I got back from my trip to DC to pick up Lindsey. So it was a big deal for me to want to do anything with them. We stayed away from their home for about a month because I was so sick and tired of how they treated me or didn't treat me. We stopped hanging around so much and let them be the ones to call and want to talk to the girls. They finally did after a month so things have improved. No apologies, but then, I'd fall over dead of shock if that happened. But I digress.

Generally, we enjoy their company when we camp, we've done it together before. We used to play cards together every week until I started chemo and had fun. So why not mend some fences and invite them along. It would make the girls happy and it's always nice to have company. Since Anthony(dh's nephew) is living there, he came along too. My girls adore their cousin Anthony. We finally nailed down that we were staying at Fort Stevens after having our Beverly Beach reservations changed. Too much construction at the park so we were given the option to change. I'm glad we did. Unfortunately, we had the yurts the furthest away from the bathrooms. Thank heavens for Home Depot selling cheap bright orange 5 gallon buckets. That became my bathroom at night. Those dang diuretics I have to take make me have to pee at least twice a night no matter what I drink or don't drink.


The weather cooperated for the most part with piddly rain off an on, mostly off. Our first adventure was going to the Astoria Column. That was a virtual geo cache and all we had to do was enjoy the view to count it as a cache. It also meant that we had to climb the dang thing too. I'm really out of shape and I was wheezing by the first landing. There were 161 steps and that was only step #25. I thought I would die by the time I got to the top. But Chloe did great! She got tired, but she did better than myself and Anthony. Harlo took it slow, Jason did okay, and Chloe was right up there at the top of the pack. It was hard pelting rain with all the wind but I had to take a picture of my brave strong girl up there. Isn't she beautiful?

My memory is gone; my new surgeon

I don't remember if I wrote about this or not, so I'm doing it again. I can't remember anything anymore. I will be going to do something and when I get there, I can't remember why I was going there. I'll remember that I want to email someone and when I get to the computer, the thought is gone and I'll go do something else. Or I'll be talking and I want to say a certain word, but it escapes me. It gets very frustrating and irritating in conversations. I feel like an idiot most of the time. I'm not stupid, but it sure seems like it when you talk to me. I know it's the chemo that did it. That's one of the side effects but I didn't really believe in it till this year. It's a term known as chemobrain. Not a lot of people believe it's true, but until you've gotten it, you don't really understand it. You literally feel like you'r losing your mind.

I need to talk about my appointment before I forget. I found out that my reconstructive surgeon dropped my insurance last year. So I no longer can use Dr. Gray for my big surgery this year and I had to go searching for a new one. I like OHSU and I looked up the surgeons there. The head of the department is Dr. Juliana Hansen and her clinical interests include breast reconstruction after breast cancer. So I chose her since she seemed to specialize in what I was looking for. I made the appointment for April 4th and all of a sudden, the paperwork started pouring in. I had so many forms that I wasn't sure which end was up.

She had her offices in the new building for OHSU by the waterfront. I was hoping to ride the tram, but no such luck. Stinking medical assistant checked me out and then said she's be right in. Uh, an HOUR later she strolls in, apologizing for being late. She checked me out and asked lots of questions. She seemed really knowledgable and answered all of my questions. I wanted to get familiar with a surgeon before I HAD to have one for surgery. She told me that I would be ideal for a TRAM flap procedure, a free tram flap one to be specific. The more I hear about any flap surgery is scaring me. I want it done, but heck! This surgery is going to easily be 10-12 hours long!!!! I'll be in the hospital for a week. One lady on my bc support group online said that her doctor put her in ICU so she would have constant care. YIKES!!! This is not fun. I'm happy I'll get the bonus tummy tuck, but at what price?

Happy cancerversary!!

So it was a year ago yesterday that I sat in a surgeon's office on a Friday afternoon and was told that that I had breast cancer. My dh was next to me crying and I was in SHOCK. I remember trying to joke with Jason and reassure him so that he could calm down. I put my thoughts and feelings aside because it was too much to deal with. By the time I left the office, I was pretty certain I would have a mastectomy over a lumpectomy. I'm glad I decided that then because when they did surgery, the tumor was pretty deep and close to the chest wall and they would've ended up doing the mastectomy anyways.

I wasn't sure how to approach my big day. I didn't know if I wanted to really have a party or go all out and celebrate or even acknowledge it. I was joking for weeks about making a boobie cake or going to buy one. A friend on the internet knew I wanted to do something, so she made me some lovely boobie cookies. You know you have a friend when they are willing to bake you boobie cookies and send them from California. So thank you very much Melissa!! I haven't giggled so much over a package in years!!

What I was able to do was have Lindsey visit the P's home and play with some of her little friends she used to have in nursery. I had lunch with Jason and then I was going to go to the rose garden. But then I thought better of it and went to the zoo. I've never gone by myself and it was a blast! I saw what I wanted to and spent as much time as I wanted at whatever exhibit I wanted to. I didn't have a lot of time, so I went to the polar bears, the lorikeets, and the big kitty places. The polar bears were on display and really very active. The big kitty kept going back and forth and finally got his blanket and flopped down on his big rock. The birdies were my favorite. They are so colorful and LOUD and beautiful. I bought some juice and the birds came and ate it out of my hand. At one time I had like 4 birds on me at once. It was hard to take pictures but the ones I got turned out great.

I enjoyed the time I had alone. Maybe each year on this date I'll have a date with just me and do something fun. Something to celebrate making it to another year. I very rarely do anything by myself that doesn't include staying at home alone. Usually everyone else leaves while I stay. But this time I was able to do what I want and not feel guilty about it. Here's to 50 more years of being a breast cancer warrior!!!!

Laughing till you pee your pants

Ever start talking with your girlfriends and you just get insanely silly and everything is hysterical? I mean you laugh so hard you think you are gonna pee your pants? I almost did that tonight.

I'm on another internet board where all the moms are my age and LDS. I brought up that I want to celebrate my "cancerversary" with a boobie cake. I have this idea stuck in my head that I MUST have one and now I'm trying to get prices for seeing how much it would be for a bakery to make a boobie cake. We were chatting and everything was getting so silly. I said something to the effect that I couldn't really afford a real bakery cake, let alone a boobie cake. Then I thought, I only have one boob, so maybe I could get the cake half off. For some reason that cracked me up and I could not stop giggling. Half off, one boob!!!! AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

A very nice proper LDS lady has offered to go order me one. Now I just have to be brave enough to go pick it up if I actually order it. Now that will be a pretty picture.

A year ago yesterday

This is from my first blog entry on here a year ago:

Sunday, March 12, 2006
So I am much more humble this weekI don't like to speak in church unless I feel really good about the topic I'm speaking on. Plus the fact that I have enough cohesive material to go with it. My talk today is on humility and I had a week's notice. It's been buzzing in my head all week to do this talk and I pulled some info out earlier to get together. But it was late last night that I finally wrote everything out and put it in a talk format. The topic is on humility and so many things in the past week have spoken about it to me. Bishop spoke in his testimony on humility, the FHE lesson on email this week was on humility, and then the big fun experience this week for me on it.

I was taking a shower the other afternoon and found a lump in my breast. I was fiddling with a zit I saw and felt lower down and something seemed different than the rest of the tissue in my breast. I wasn't too concerned at first since our family has no history of it and I just seem to young to have anything wrong. I thought breast cancer or problems like that happened to older women, not to someone who will turn 33 in less than a month. So I ask if I should go to the doctor and everyone says yes, even if it's just for peace of mind. Well, I go and the doctor finds the same lump. I'm not just imagining things, something really is there and needs to be checked out. I panicked inside when I heard I needed a mammagram, but since it wasn't scheduled for later that day, I figured if I had to wait 10 days for it that it's not that bad. My other breast has problems of its own and has to have some tests on it. My stupid boob leaks milk every now and again and they are concerned about that.So before Friday, I was fine. Going about like nothing could happen. But something simple like a possible health scare has me really looking at my life.

My trip, part 3

After the first very boring session, we had a break and then a reception in the exhibition hall. They had little finger foods to eat and drinks. I had a little bit but it didn't fill me up. I sat at a table with the non drinkers and had fun listening to everyone's stories. Afterwards, a few of us were upstairs in the lobby area trying to figure out what there was to do. So we found out that there was a Chili's a few blocks away and we headed out. Teresa, Kat, Cathy, and myself. One baldie, one with fuzz, one with just two inches of hair, and me with maybe 3 inches of hair. We sat down and it didn't matter that two of us were nearly bald. It was no big deal. I loved it!!! We just sat there forever talking about each person's treatment and life in general. It was a lot of fun. We had to walk back and found a bunch of the board members getting wild in the bar. So we sat with them for a while and I decided that I was done. I don't like to hang around people when they are drinking because I don't do it, I don't want to be a babysitter, and I wanted to be by myself for a bit.



I got up to my room around 11:00pm and could tell that my roommate had arrived in town. Dace's bag was on her bed but she was gone. I took a long hot shower and started to go through all the goodies I got from the exhibitors. I hear a knock on the door, and in comes my fellow sightseeing buddy Jacki and my roommate Dace. They knew each other and had gone out for coffee and stuff after the reception that evening. So Jacki sat in a chair and Dace and I were on our beds and we talked for like nearly 2 hours. Then Jacki left and Dace and I chatted a while longer. Dace lives in California so we both were on West Coast time and it only felt like 10pm instead of 2am.



We woke up and hurried to get ready for the morning activities. They were having a welcome and opening remarks by the heads of the LBBC and YSC. After that was a plenary session concerning medical updates for young women affected by breast cancer. She was a great speaker, but the subject matter was stuff that I already knew about or had a general idea. That makes me feel good because it means that I researched breast cancer fairly well. I sat with Dace, Jacki, Cynthia, Kat, Cathy, and Cynthia's husband. I think there were a couple others, but I can't remember. We chatted after the plenary session and through breakfast. After a break, there was another plenary session by Julie Silver. It was about enhancing quality of life through better nutrition and exercise. Everything she said made perfect sense and I'm so glad I brought my paper and pen along. I took down notes and after that session, I went to the exhibitor's hall and bought her book. What she had to say and the way she spook was the reason I came to this conference. This is what I wanted to learn and study and get to know.



We had a lunch next. Everyone received a box lunch from the lobby outside and we chatted and networked inside the huge ballroom where the plenary sessions and opening remarks were being held. After that, they told us about the group photo they wanted to take. We managed to squeeze close to 800 women in this tiny space for a photo. All the women with breast cancer were together and then the caretakers and everyone who came to suppor

t us went upstairs and took pictures. The official photographer took pictures on the same level as us but standing on a platform of sorts. It was a moment that is hard to explain. My heart goes in my throat each time I try to explain it. Just a very powerful feeling. Like I had a special group of sisters and we were in it together.



Afterwards, it broke up and I started to go upstairs to my room. I get on the escalator and see my little group from my breast cancer support group getting ready for pictures. So I'm waving at them to wait while I race up the escalator and then down the other one. I run over and ever

yone laughs. Poor Cynthia or Steph's husband had about 15 cameras in front of him taking pictures of us for each person that wanted it. My little group is from the YSC bulletin boards and we've all gotten to know each other through that. We were the largest private group there. There were 30 of us in the picture with at least 10 ladies not present in the picture. The official photographer noticed us and started taking pictures too. Linnea would pose all sexy so he got on the floor and pretended to get up close and personal with her. It was great. Everyone laughing and getting along.

Why do I care what my mother in law thinks?

I'm in a big emotional mood today. My body is betraying me and bringing me down. It must be that time of the month or something.

I'm really struggling with my mother in law. I want her to like me and I know she doesn't. She puts on a great face and knows the right things to say and do when out in public. But she hurts me so much. If I didn't care so much, she wouldn't hurt me so much. I'm over the crap she pulled when Jason and I were dating and when we first got married. She said some pretty mean things. I'm over the attitude or lack of emotion she showed when we announced we were pregnant for the first time. (she didn't acknowledge it and changed the subject)

When I first found out I had breast cancer, she was great. Was very willing to take the girls for my doctor appointments that I had to go to. She's not an emotional person but she's great at taking charge. She's an excellent grandma so I never worry about my girls when they are there. But since summer, I've noticed a change. She was upset when I went to visit my friend in Gig Harbour the day after a chemo treatment. I was on the taxol/gemzar treatment, so the effects didn't hit me till about 3 days after the chemo. I was excited to go since this was the first type trip I had taken since this whole adventure had started. She thought I was insane and basically thought it was irresponsible for me to leave. Someone else would have to watch the girls while I was gone. I hate that I had to explain to here why I needed to leave. I didn't do anything strenuous while I was gone and I was in very good hands.

After that, I became more leery of her. Just tried to be watchful of her and having her not watch the girls too much. But I let it go and I started to fall in the trap of believing that things were okay between us. I guess I wanted to believe that she was okay with me again. Nope, that got smacked in my face more than once. She never asks how we are doing, only about what's going on in her life and how things affect her.

The worst was this trip I took to Washington DC for the breast cancer conference. Jason and I both knew that she would not approve and we kept it from her for quite a while. I found out that she knew I was going on some type of trip and it was associated with church and it would be in California. But she wasn't going to ask me about it. We finally told his parents and the reaction was very similiar to what has happened in the past. Harlo didn't say anything to us until my mil did and then he parroted what she said. Some remark that barely acknowledged that I was going. Jason wanted me to go on this trip and he pushed for me to go. He found the forms, filled them out, and made me turn it in. He was almost more excited than I was for me to go. But it seems that all his mom saw was me abandoning my family to go play and party and we were spending money we didn't have. I got a scholarship to pay for 95% of this trip and Jason took vacation days so that he could be with the girls. We had it all arranged and I made Jason promise that he wouldn't let his mom babysit the girls.

I stayed that extra night to have a nice hotel room to myself, to rest from the crazy day at the airport, and to get a voucher so we could go on another trip in the future. It was worth it I thought. But it ended up that she had to watch the girls until I could fly into Portland on Monday. I really think she hated that. When I came to pick up Lindsey, she was acting really stiff. Just told me the basic info about the girls from that morning and didn't ask or question me about my trip. I thought it was odd but left it alone. I find out later from dh's nephew that he questioned her about how my trip was. She said she didn't ask and she didn't care to know. She also said if I came back saying I missed my girls that I was lying and it wasn't true.

I was so angry that I called dh up at work and told him I wouldn't be contacting her anymore and that I didn't want the girls there at her home if that's how she was going to treat me. I don't trust her anymore. I don't know what to believe! Is she being truthful with me or acting one way and talking about me behind my back? Jason called her and asked if everything was okay because I felt something wasn't right when I picked up Lindsey. She lied and said everything was fine. We haven't been back since.

Why the hell do I care what this woman thinks? Why does it bother me so much to know that she's saying such rotten things behind my back? It's almost like she thinks I'm lying about the treatments and stuff I'm going through and resents me. She'll never say it to my face, but that's what I gather from her actions and attitude. I hate it!!!! What do I have to do to make things better? I don't want my girls to lose their grandma, but I refuse to allow them to be in a place where she might be pumping the girls for information or telling them things. I don't know if she is, but I don't want to give her a chance.

Is there a cardiologist on board? (few quick notes)

On the flight to Denver, I spoke with an ob nurse about breast cancer, as well as when I was in Denver. A gentleman and I were waiting to board, and we spoke about my bc and his girlfriend's cervical cancer. When we were starting to descend into WA DC, the flight attendant got online and warned us about the turbulence. She let us know if we felt better about it, we could kneel down and hug our seats to make us feel better. Uh, thanks.

On the way home, from WA DC to Denver, we had a medical problem with a passenger. As soon as we got in the air and sort of leveled off, the guy headed for the bathroom and didn't return. After about 20 minutes or so, someone let the flight attendant know and she went to check on him. She had to ask if there was a doctor or medical person on board and eventually someone went up as did a cardiologist when one was asked for. They had to get oxygen out, blood pressure cuff, and stethascope. The guy made it out of the bathroom and had to lay down in the front part of the plane by the door. We were asked for blankets and all the pillows we could spare to make him more comfortable. Seats were rearranged so that the medical personnel could sit by him in a seat in case he had any more problems. I thought for a while we might have to divert and land elsewhere while he was taken care of. He managed to make it to Denver where there were paramedics waiting to take care of him.

My trip, part 2

Before they had a welcoming reception, we had our first workshop. It was lame, stupid, and a waste of time. I thought it would be one thing and it wasn't. A lot of people walked out. After that was the welcoming reception where a lot of people got together and had appetizers and drinks. That wasn't near enough to fill you up, so the 4 nondrinkers from our group ended up walking over to Chili's together for dinner. One baldie, one with just fuzz, and the other two with like an inch or two of hair. We were quite a group I must say. But it was great to sit together and chat and we all KNEW exactly what the others meant and felt. It was amazing. After we got back to the hotel, we split up. I went back to my room and enjoyed the hottest shower I could stand just because I wasn't paying the bill. Then my roommate showed up with a friend I ate with at breakfast. Jacki had a pyscho roommate and my roommate Dace was another lady that we immediately clicked. She didn't drink and so that was a relief. We sat in our room and talked and talked, the three of us, for hours. It was like almost 2pm when we finally turned the light off.

I have educated myself very well on breast cancer, so a lot of the stuff they taught at the conference was not news. But it was still nice to have it all validated by the experts. The morning group session was nice but nothing new. Then the breaks were spent chatting with new found friends and meeting more ladies from my support bb in person. There was never a bad word spoken, no people getting feelings hurt or anything because we all knew exactly what the other was going through. I haven't found that anywhere, not even in the church. There were women from all over the world. Ladies from Austria, Australia, Kenya, Israel, and other far off nations. All with the same problems and concerns. The next group session was so awesome. She was talking about what I really had questions about and I went and bought her book afterwards. Each person that spoke at the conference had breast cancer and most had written a book and was available to buy in the hall with all the other exhibitors. She made up for the bad session last night. Then a boring lunch, and on to session two. Having my lymph nodes taken out, there are certain exercises I can't do or should be very careful of. So I went to a class that taught what was okay and not okay to do. I'm going to go get a strength ball when I get the money again.

After a break and lunch, it was time for the third session, and the best one by far. Ronnie Kaye was a psychotherapist who had breast cancer and recurrences. She was supposed to talk on "Moving On: Discovering your New Normal". She tossed it out the window and asked what we wanted to know about. She talked to us from a survivor point of view and told us to watch out for PWACs(people without a clue).

I found so many truths that I needed to hear and learn from. I feel that people see me as Heidi and she has breast cancer written on her forehead and that's who she is. But I'm not, I'm so much more than that. These may sound simple and not make sense, but it was like a lightbulb going off in my head.
Here's what I learned:
*Don't just define me as just breast cancer, I'm so much more than that.
*Breast cancer occured to me, not who I am now
* I am not breast cancer
*Get your feelings validated
*When a friend on support group dies, remember it's okay to feel sad, but remember, This is not about me, This is not about me .
Because I really do feel sad when someone dies. More than just the sadness when someone dies. It's deeper than that. It's because I'm sad they're gone and also, because they had breast cancer and I could die of it too. I'm not immortal.

The other one is why do I feel so much grief over breast cancer? It's because of my love that I feel towards others, especially my family. I feel sad and upset because of what my family has to go through and what could happen if anything happens to me.

The other thing was when someone stood up and described when someone asks how she's doing, they do it in that "tone" and then they feel they need to tell them, "well I have so many treatments left, my chemo is under control, the side effects are doing this to me... " Ronnie cut her off and asked her if she was willing to be honest with herself. The lady said yes. Then Ronnie asked her, "How are you doing", and she said simply, " I feel like crap". Everyone cheered. So I thought about it. How do I feel about everything going on in my life, all the struggles, worries, and sickness and surgeries. How do I personally feel in my life. Well, I came up with, I am tired. I feel so exhausted from all of it. These are such simple things, but I needed to hear it and believe it. And I do now.

She talked about a lot more stuff, but those were the main points I wrote down. I didn't get her book, but I'm going to when I can again. It's called "Spinning Straw into Gold". Soooooo good. I could have sat there for hours and listened to her. Guess I might need some counseling after all. lol

My trip, part 1

My trip was the most powerful thing I've ever done. It was enpowering, exciting, joyful, everything. My flight going out to DC was wonderful. I was by myself and thoroughly enjoyed it.

During my layover in Denver, I got a meal at Quiznos and just chilled out till it was time to go. Got to DC and Tami aka Exalted Flame aka Zazzysmom picked me up with her 3 kids. We drove to her place and she showed me different sites along the way. The Pentagon was on one side of the freeway, and on the other was the Potomac River and DC. I saw the Capitol Building, Washington Monument, and barely could see the Jefferson and Lincoln sites. It was amazing. I'm staring at the Pentagon and I KNOW I'm looking at a building that was hit by terrorists on September 11th. It's hard to take in. You drive right by Arlington Cemetary and see all those rows of white headstones too. I was in complete awe. We get to her home and grab her dh John and head out to a pizza place. It was fun and her little boy monopolized me the entire time. Had a great dinner and ate a TON of the little cinnamon rolls they serve. We go back to her home and I get to see how cute it is. Every room has a different paint color or flooring. So cozy and fun. She and I sat and talked for hours while she fed Emma. By the way, Emma is such a sweet tiny little thing. She was exactly 3 weeks old when I was there. Slept great on Tami's couch and then in the morning, she dropped me off at the hotel where the conference was.

I get in the lobby and start to feel a little panicky. Here I am across the country from everything familiar and I have never met one of the women from this group. I talk on the computer with them daily, but never met any of them and I was panicked. But I turned around to go put my luggage down till I could check in and see two girls right off the bat. They recognized me and I them and we met up with two or three more girls and ended up having breakfast together. No one could check in and it was only like 10am. They had to convert part of the lobby of this hotel into a holding area for luggage. There were so many bags!! All of us were just hanging out till we could get into our rooms. We ended up meeting about 5 more girls downstairs and sat in the bar and chatted for a while. I immediately recognized them and one person had a cheat sheet with everyone's screen name, real name, time they were arriving, and from where. So if we saw someone, we could cheat and figure out who they were.

We had so much time, that myself and two others decided to go sightseeing. We split a cab that took us to the Lincoln Memorial. It was so peaceful and beautiful there. I'm upset that two of my pictures didn't come out. I took a picture of the site were Martin Luther King stood to give his speech. There was something inscribed in the marble where he stood. Then I took a picture of what he was looking out at when he gave that speech. It's very similiar to that picture I have up of the Washington Memorial and the empty reflecting pool. I didn't know the Lincoln Memorial was outdoors. There are a million steps to go up and the columns surround the outside of it. On the other side of the columns are 3 sides with Lincoln sitting and facing up towards the WA monument. It's open air in there but so reverent. There is a plaque asking everyone to keep thier voices down, but you could feel the respect in the air if that makes sense. You knew you were in the presence of someone and something great. My friends and I didn't know where to go to next. We saw a map and realized we were just less than a 50 yards away from the Vietnam Memorial. So we walked over there. I got the right paper out and a pencil and found out where my mom's former fiance was on the wall. I was able to make a rubbing for her. It's so intense to stand there with all the history right there in front of you. All those thousands of names. You can clearly see yourself in the walls there. Down at the bottom, there is a type of lip that visitors leave things in rememberance. I got a picture of a letter that a vet had left for his buddy who had died in the war. There were flowers further down. I heard they had a museum filled with all the things visitors have left behind. I wish I could have seen more, but it was icy cold and my friends weren't able to walk very far. One was just going through chemo and the other had problems with her legs. So we headed back at that point to the hotel.

Finally got to check in early. Put my bags upstairs and went down to the registration desk. Got my bag, namebadge, and my lei. Each person put on a different colored lei. Whites for people diagnosed less than a year, yellow for the husbands or caretakers, orange for those with advanced metatasic disease, purple and green for 10 year survivors or those out further than 1 year from diagnosis. Just depends on your status. I go in the exhibitors hall and enter the world of everything PINK. Wow. Every drug company, group, etc., had a booth and stuff to pass out. I have enough pens for the rest of my life! I got a water bottle, pens, cookbook, guides, pamplets, little doodads, and candies to go in my bag. My bag itself is nice sized with some pamplets already in it, umbrella, gorgeous sparkly keychain, big bottle of Avon body lotion, and uh, a little sample bag from Pure Romance. Anyone heard of them? So I drag all my stuff upstairs and dump it on my bed. Thank goodness they give you a bag, because it was jammed full of stuff and should have been on wheels so I could drag it. It was that heavy.

I hate diuretics

I haven't had to get up this often to pee in the night since I was pregnant. Holy crud!!! I can't go a night without having to get up and relieve myself in the middle of the night. I keep my glasses off and don't look at the clock so I can still pretend I have tons of time to go back to sleep. But it really sucks when you get up and it's starting to get light outside. If I can see that without my glasses, I know I don't have much time and it's not worth going back to sleep. Then I'm even grumpier than usual.

Oh by the way, 3 Nights, 2 days left before I leave for the conference. The butterflies have set up residence and I either want to puke or eat my brains out. Nothing in between.

4 nights, 3 days left

Not much longer till I leave for my trip. The butterflies have started up in my belly. I have my suitcase and I'm planning on what I'm bringing. Tried to buy everything I'd need so I wouldn't have to wait till the last minute. Do some laundry, make sure the cell phone has the charger, the camera has extra batteries, and Jason shows me again how to use the old mp3 player. Am I really doing this? Is this trip for real or am I going to wake up soon and figure out it was just a dream? Need to make sure the fridge is stocked, the girls and dh have extra goodies, dh knows how to do the little girls's hair, details for the apartments are taken care of, etc. Make sure that I have all my meds, pain patches for my back(thank you Dr Susan!!), good shoes, good things to read....

The list can go on and on as I sit here and obsess about it. I can't help it!!! I've gone over the brochure so many times, that I'm almost embarrassed to admit that it's getting ragged around the edges. I'm meeting up with some ladies from my bc support bulletin board and hopefully hang out with them. Meet a friend off the internet and snuggle a brand new baby, see some good sights, and ....maybe learn a little something to make this journey easier to bear.


Oh, by the way, Miss Heffalump. I can't go by a store without counting how many different types of Oreos there are. Good grief, even the little stores carry like 6-7 kinds let alone big places with 10-11 kinds. Yowzers!!!

Preparing for my trip

Since all I can think about is my trip, I'm going to put down some things I'm preparing for. I think there are few people who give a rip about it, so this is mainly for me.

First of all, I called Dr. Brouns, my medical oncologist and asked if I should be worried about lymphedema because of the long flight. So today I'm off to Vancouver to get fitted for a compression sleeve and glove. I'll wear the glove on the flights and keep the sleeve in case I feel any swelling in my arm. I'm so freaked out about getting lymphedema that I'll do whatever it takes to prevent it. I saw a lady with it at the chemo center and her right arm was grotesquely disgured because of it. I was literally sickened looking at it. So I keep close watch on myself.

I've had my classes picked out from just after turning in the info for my grant.
For Session #1:
B. Creative Approaches to Restoring WellnessSpeaker:This workshop will help you engage your creativity to release fears, explore inner strengths, facilitate self-expression and improve self-confidence. Learn how to reduce stress and enhance your well-being through relaxation exercises, visualization and artistic expression using a variety of media, such as collage-building, sculpture and creative writing.

Session 2
E. Get Fit! Developing Your Personal Approach to Fitness
Current research suggests a healthy lifestyle including proper nutrition and exercise can enhance well-being. But how do you get started? Learn how to cope with life’s stresses through exercise and develop a personal fitness plan just for you.

Session 3
O. Moving On: Discovering Your “New Normal”Treatment is over—now what?
Understand the complex feelings that often accompany the end of treatment and the beginning of the rest of your life. Learn how to tackle feelings of anxiety and recapture the joy of living. Find new ways to communicate your needs to colleagues, loved ones and friends and family, and find resources to help you live well and adjust to life after breast cancer.

Session 4
Y. Complementary Approaches to Wellness During and After Treatment
Evidence-based research has found several herbal, energy and touch healing techniques to be safe and effective ways of improving quality of life. Understand methods to complement your medical treatment using acupuncture, herbs and other methods. Hear about the risks and benefits of complementary approaches, and learn about the importance of telling your oncologist about any complementary methods you may consider using.

I'm checking with other ladies on the YSC bulletin board to see which people are taking which classes. Then I'm going to try and look for them so I have someone to sit with when I get there. More to come later.

Doctor visit and panic/anxiety attacks

I saw Dr. Gray, my reconstructive surgeon last week, I believe it was Jan 30th. She said everything looked fine, left boob was healing well, as was the tissue on my mastectomy scar. She noticed I was already drooping a bit on the left side, but after radiation was over, I couldn't wear a bra because of radiation burns. I wonder if that has anything to do with it. That and the fact that I'm overweight and look like a cow.

On to other things. I know it's not my fault, but whenever a resident gives me notice to move out, I feel like I did something wrong and it's because of me that they are moving. I take things very personally. So in December, I felt awesome that I filled the complex completely for the first time since I've been here. But then someone had to break their lease since they didn't get married, then someone had to move because of a job, someone lost a job, got a house, needed a bigger place, etc. Now I have at least 5 openings!! Then the owner wants to raise the rents for the second time in less than a year. People are going to leave over that! My friend that moved in here is lying to me about her rent and the fact that she wanted to get her electricity out of her name and into someone else's name that doesn't live there so it won't reflect on their horrid credit. Long story there. I don't think I've done my job the best that I could, regardless of my reasons. The owner and the office people could care less if I had cancer. So I feel all this panic and anxiety coming up. I feel scared, feel like I will be fired because all these people are leaving, etc. I hate talking to people and showing apartments. It got so much worse over the past summer when I was sick. I avoid it like the plague and sometimes have people come over when dh is home so I won't have to do it. I know he understands, but I don't understand myself!!!

YEEE HAWWWWWW!!!!!!

I got it! I got it!!!!

I'm just stunned and excited and crazed and happy and nervous all in one swoop. There is a breast cancer conference next month for young women diagnosed before age 45. I didn't think I would even have a sliver of a chance of going, so I tossed the brochure aside when it came in the mail. Jason didn't. He found it and got online and found out more information. It's in Washington, D.C. and will be from Feb 23-25th. They had scholarships so those that didn't have the financial means could go. Jason filled out most of the info and then woke me up and told me all about the trip. I finished filling it out and sent it in getting more and more excited about the chance to go to the east coast and sightsee and be with other young women that are in my position with cancer. After nearly 8 nerve-wreaking days, I got an email notification that I received a full scholarship to go to the conference. I'm so happy and excited I can hardly stand it. I got the email last night and immediately made my hotel reservation. This morning I called and got my flight scheduled and registered online for the conference and signed up for my classes. I checked the YSC website and immediately found someone looking for a roomie. For those on scholarships, they are asking that you share a room to cut on expenses. It turns out the woman I contacted grew up in Vancouver also and graduated from Mt. View 2 years before I did. So we grew up in the same town and graduated at nearly the same time. It just seems meant to be.

Thank goodness our tax refund is coming this week because I have to buy everything first and then after the conference, I will be reimbursed for everything. They will cover the cost of the registration, the hotel stay, and my plane ticket. I will be responsible for any meals not covered by the conference, souvenirs, and other extra stuff. I'm going to one of my favorite cities of all time. There is so much history there that I'm going to be in heaven. I wish I had two extra days just to go see everything. I wish I had time to go to the Lincoln Memorial, Washington one, Jefferson, Smithsonian, Library of Congress, WWII memorial, Vietnam memorial, Arlington Cemetary, White House(yeah, right), the Capitol, etc. EVERYTHING!!!! lol

Hard time on my YSC bb

Breast cancer sucks. I'm a part of a board for young breast cancer survivors over on YSC or Young Survivor Coalition. I started going there when I was finishing up my chemo and have gotten a lot of good answers and met some wonderful women there. It's like being part of this exclusive club with breast cancer being the initiation into it. It's been a realy struggle lately. You get so close because you are all fighting this beast and you band together and it makes you feel invincible.

But things aren't going so well over there. I was going through the posts and found a topic saying Goodbye. I thought they were leaving the board and taking a break. It happens at times and then the person comes back later. Well, this lady was saying goodbye forever. She was entering the hospital the next day and she knew that she would never be coming out. She was dying and telling us all goodbye. It was heartbreaking and you wanted to believe that it would get better and she would be fine. There was an email about two weeks later saying that she did die and that her dh and her kids were around her when she passed away. There's another lady that survived one round of breast cancer to discover that she has mets and it doesn't look good. She is a sweet kind lady that everyone calls Mama Cathy. Then there's another lady that survived it but started down a talispin and is slowly self destructing. She went binging on drugs, alchohol, tried to kill herself, etc.

It's been so difficult to keep a happy face on when you feel like you're losing your grasp on things. I've just been so depressed lately and I've been bawling all night.

Nothing like a potential fire to get your heart racing

The joys of being an apartment manager. We come home from my parent's house and as we are getting out of the car, Jason says something and races towards one of the buildings. I turn around and see smoke billowing out of a townhome. I immediately call 911 and get the fire department on their way. Doesn't take long since they are maybe 4-5 blocks down the road.

Anyways, it turns out that someone was cooking dinner. They had a roast they were browning and went to another apartment. In between the time they were in another apartment, the roast started to burn and smoke was pouring out of the apartment. No fire, just smoke thank goodness. Anyways, we had two police cars, a fire chief, and at least 3 fire trucks show up. They blocked off the major road so the firetrucks could have access.

I'm so angry. Lindsey was so scared because she thought there really was fire and that her daddy was in it. She kept whimpering the whole time. The entire complex showed up in the parking lot to watch. The stupid idiot had ripped off one smoke alarm and it wasn't working, the other one upstairs was constantly going off, and the other one didn't have a battery in it. Besides, what idiot leaves food on the stove to cook and leaves the stinking apartment? Jason stunk of smoke when he came back after fixing two of the smoke detectors. The girls even had the smell in their hair from being outside in the parking lot. The guy in the apartment has changed his story. He said he was only gone 10 minutes when I talked to him. When Jason was fixing the detectors, the guy was getting angry with Jason, and told him he was only gone 5 minutes. He was eating the roast with Jason there!!! He doesn't even live there, he was visiting his daughter who lives there.

They are so going to be fined or given notice or something!!!! Messing with the smoke detectors, leaving the apartment while you have food cooking like that? INSANE!!!!

Watching grass grow Pt 2

It's the end of October and I'm two months with being done with chemo

Ugh. It's January and I'm 4.5 months past chemo. I really suck at taking my own picture.

Watching grass grow

This is me in May, just before I had my hair chopped off. I'd had my surgery about a month ago.

This was the weekend before my second chemo treatment. I wanted it short so I could get used to it before it was all gone.

This was two days after my second chemo treatment and I'm in the midst of having it shaved off. The sides were done and then she was going to do the top. I felt as miserable as I looked.

My dad and mom came to visit in July and I had to get a picture of the both of us being bald together.

My hair 4 months after chemo

Here I am 4.5 months after chemo. I'm not a brunette anymore, I spike my hair so it looks longer, and I had hat hair today. At least I'm not bald anymore.

I'm glad I'm going to the eye doctor soon

I am having trouble with my eyes. I used to be really near sighted and I've had glasses since I was in the 4th grade. I always had trouble seeing far away. But since I've had chemo, my vision has changed. Not only do I have trouble seeing far away, but if I want to see up close like if I wanted to do cross stitch, I have to take my glasses off and get two inches away. Sometimes things on the computer screen don't show enough detail so I have to get up close or just try not to let it bother me. I go on Monday and I'm glad. I know I'll need a new prescription for my glasses and I'm not looking forward to it. I knew around my last two or three chemo treatments that it started going haywire but I thought it would go back to the way it used to be. Well, it's January and nothing has changed for the better, it's only gotten worse.

Welcome back AF...maybe

I was so sure I was going through menopause. I had the nasty hotflashes, I hadn't had my period since 3 days after my mastectomy, and I was gonna throw out all my feminine supplies. It was wonderful this year not having to worry about it. No cramps, no granny undies, etc. I still had the nasty mood swings at that time of the month, but I wouldn't be me if I wasn't a witch at some point during the month. lol I have all the symptoms showing up, but no actual ...visitor yet.


*Original post on January 11th, edited on January 17th.

MRI results

They came back clear. I hadn't heard anything by Monday, so I called the nurse and left a message. She got back to me and let me know everything was normal and no signs of mets or anything to worry about. It probably was just a migraine. I also have a feeling that I wasn't eating so well over the holidays and that with a lack of liquids caused me to become dehydrated and suffer for it. The nurse said I could contact Cancer Care Resources and talk to the nutrionist/dietician for help if I want. I may call her tomorrow. I want to be better about my health and would love to get a specialized plan for me for my health. I'm not great with exercise, but I'm so shy and embarrassed, that I am holding back from asking a couple of the YW in our ward for help. They are so lovely and slim and put together and I would feel incredibly awkward asking for help for my fat flabby misshapen body.

Chloe and I have the same hair color now

Yep, we do. Almost the exact same hair color. Here's a picture of Chloe to give you an idea. Oh and by the way, having your hair colored on a tender scalp with brand new hair will result in sores on top of your head and scab over later. And it hurts like hell while the stuff is being applied.

My MRI and my You're-so-lucky-nothing-happened award story

So I had headaches last weekend with weird vision problems. I finally called my oncologist and left a message. Diane, Dr. Brouns's nurse, called me back and I chatted with her and told her what was going on. She said she gets migraines and it sounds exactly like that. But she would talk to the doctor and see what he wanted to do. I got a call the next morning from her and Dr. Brouns thought it was probably migraines but wanted to do an MRI just to be on the safe side and they want to do it that day. I've never had one before and was a little nervous. Doing research and being very prepared helps me feel better and so I searched on the internet about what to expect. I asked people if they had had one and asked what it was like.

Dad met me at Vancouver Radiology and we sat there for 45 minutes before they called me back. It was so annoying. Why have me get there at 12:30pm when they wouldn't have me get started till after 1pm? Grrrr. Anyways, I changed into my lovely hunter green scrubs and took my wedding ring off and went back to the room. They had to give me an IV because I have a history of cancer. That's their reasoning anyways. They ended up giving me something in the IV at the end so they could takes some images with reverse something or other. The stuff in the IV made the films appear in a different light. I don't know the proper words for it.

So I lay down on this table. By now I've figured out that it's a closed MRI tube. Great, I know I'm not claustraphobic, but still, I'm not thrilled by it either. I lay down with my head fitting in this space so that my head doesn't move around a lot. Almost exactly like I did for radiation. They put wedges under my knees and under my arms to keep them propped up. They gave me a nice blanket and then stuck ear plugs in my ears. When I entered the room, they took my glasses off and my hair scarf. So I'm blind as a bat, but I'm very comfortable on this table. Then they put a cloth over my eyes so it will help "relax" me they say. Then I hear a click and I peek out from under my cloth and they put a contraption over my face to keep my head in place. It's not actually touching me, but if I had my glasses on, I could have seen that it was about an inch or so from touching my face. They slid me in the tube and they had a speakerphone where they spoke to me and told me what was going to happen.

I would hear some clicking noises and then almost like a loud honk of a semi truck. A few blasts of those and then it sounded like what it would be like if you were stuck in the middle of a washing machine while tennis shoes were thumped and spun around you. I'm glad I had the headphones on, because I still got a slight headache from the noise. I really was very comfortable and eventually got used to the noise. It would run from 2-4 minutes, each set of films or images they had to take. This happened for about 30 minutes or so.

After I got out, Dad and I drove up through the parking lot to Los Jalepenos for a late lunch. We parked directly in front of the place, it was in a strip mall. I was talking on the phone when Dad pulled up and so I got out and went inside and had a fabulous lunch at one of my new favorite places to eat. It was a great lunch and then we had to leave. I checked my coat for my keys and couldn't find them anywhere. Then I had a horrible feeling that I looked them in the car. So I go over and peek in and they are still hanging from the car ignition. I was freaked out about what Jason would do when I had to call him from work and ask him to come and get me unlocked from the car. I tried the car door just out of habit and found it was unlocked! HOLY COW!!! What incredibly good luck!!! For a real dingbat!! lol I've never done that before in my life. Ever. I was so lucky nothing happened. The fact that we were parked almost right in front of it helped a lot, but I'm still a little shaky at how stupid I was.

Back to the MRI. The doctor was going to get the results in 24-48 hours and then he would call me. I was really hoping that he would call me before the weekend. But seeing that it's 11:47pm on a Friday night, I don't see that happening. Oh well, something to look forward to on Monday. Hopefully we'll hear good news!!!

Paranoia again - headaches and backaches

For about a month, I've had bad back pain. It hurt to do a lot of things and it was driving me nuts. My firs thought in everything, is will this be cancer? Is this something to be scared of? So after hurting for so long, I finally made a doctor's appointment with my own regular doctor. I got to see her before she went on vacation for a month. I love Dr. Susan the most out of all of them. She's like a mom and I can tell her just about anything and she'll take care of me. She's the one I measure all other doctors up against. I went to see her and she checked me out, got excited about my not scarf hairdo and had to touch it, and she made sure she asked me questions about how my treatment was doing. I told her about my back, why I think it was hurting, and so on. I told her where it was and she showed me an exercise or way to stretch the muscle out so it wouldn't hurt. She suggested I start walking and moving more in hopes of making it feel better. To put my mind at ease, she made me go over and get xrays at the radiologist. I think there were about 10 taken at least. The tech called my doctor immediately and my doctor over the phone reassured me that my back was just a muscle strain and that I somehow tweaked it. Not mets or anything bad at all. BIG relief there.

Then this weekend I went shopping at the grocery store and my vision in my right eye started to go weird. I could see straight ahead and to the left side, but not out of the right. It would get fuzzy around the edges and then the problem switched to my left eye and then after it was that way for a while, it was like I got tunnel vision and couldn't see out of the corner of either eye. Then I got a horrible headache. It lasted the rest of the night. I thought I might be dehydrated, but it happened again in the morning at church. I knew it was starting up again, so Jason took me home. The vision thing didn't last as long, but the headache sure stayed awhile. My mom freaked out and wanted me to go to the ER. I promised if it happened again, that I would. It hasn't so I haven't gone. But I called my oncologist and left a message. The nurse called me back and through talking to her, she said it sounded like migraines. I've never had them before and I didn't know if they could pop up like that out of the blue. She's going to call me back in the morning after talking with the oncologist.

She did say that I could go get my eyes checked. Ever since I had the last batches of chemo, my vision has changed. They said that chemo could change it and to wait because it should go back after it was over. Well, it's January and it hasn't changed back. So I go in next week for an eye exam and possible new lenses. Totally sucks, but I can't see anything close up unless I take my glasses off.

So the good news is that it appears that my aches and pains are totally normal and not cancer related at all. Oh well, I'd rather be overcautious now than not pay attention to my body.

Going private

To protect myself in case of foot in mouth disease, I'm making my blog private. If you are interested in reading my blog inspite of me and my always sticking my foot in my mouth, email me and I'll send you a link. I'll make this private in a couple of days.