Anxiety attack
I really wish my oncologist had given me a prescription for Xanax or something when I get anxiety attacks. I started to have one last night. Dh and I were discussing finances. A job has come up in the place I used to work. I'd love to work there again. Problem is the job starts at 5pm and dh doesn't get home until at least 5:30pm. We'd have to find someone to watch the girls for at least 90 minutes every day. A lot of miles would be put on the car, plus childcare, plus everything else. What if the girls got sick? All the what ifs came up and we figured out what I would make and what it would cover. Not much. If I could start 1 hour later, things would be better. But it won't work.
Anyways, it felt like everything was crowding in. All my insecurites came to my mind and it felt like a 1000 pound weight on me. I don't like having to have help from other resources just to make rent. I feel like I don't know how to get out of this rut we are in. We desperately need dh to keep his job because of the great health insurance. But damn, it would be nice to have a job where we didn't have to struggle every single week just to cover expenses. Dh works so hard and I'm so proud of him. He does everything he can. I've floated the idea of going back to school to get some type of accounting job because I adore working with money since I've done it for so long. I think I'm going to have to go to a temp agency and look for something.
But all this was weighing on me last night and it was hard to take a breath, my breathing was shallow, and my heart was beating fast. All my demons were in my mind making me feel like I couldn't do anything right. I couldn't feel any relief at all. I started to cry and I felt all alone. Eventually I went to sleep but there is this cloud following me.
Okay, whining over for now. Life is really okay. I'm fairly healthy, no surgeries on the horizon, summer is cooler than usual, and I have my year's worth of homemade jam. Life doesn't get much better than that, right?
UPDATE
I'm so dumb. I just realized that this week my meds are messed up. I'm switching from Celexa to Effexor again because the hot flashes are really bad at times. I've lowered the dose for Celexa while introducing my body to Effexor. So low doses right now and a new medicine. No wonder I'm looney.
