Ohhhhhh, the humiliation and pain

I completely embarrassed myself today. I haven't done something like this in many many years.

L and I walk to school to pick up C every day. We have to walk through a "park" to get there first. Since we are so close, I wore a hoodie and capris and my fake crocs from Payless. It started to sprinkle on the way home and to get the girls moving, I started to run and tease the girls. L was chasing me and I started jogging backwards to stay out of her way and keep an eye on her. BIG mistake. I got that feeling where you know you're going to fall. I turned around and did those big crazy steps to try and stop myself from going down. It didn't work. I fell flat on my face and I got a mouthful of grass. It got caught in my braces too. Blech. I actually first hit my knees, then my left chest and shoulder area and then my face. My glasses fell off and got twisted up, I hit all up the left side of my face pretty bad, and that's when I got a mouthful of grass. I was able to wrangle my glasses into a reasonable shape and attempted to get the grass out of my braces. I tried to dust myself off and get up. That's when my face started to hurt, my knees began to ache, and my pride was long gone.

When you dive face first into the ground, you lose all your pride. It was worse because all the elementary kids had been let out and were walking home across the park too and I know they all saw me take the dive. So I got up and walked home trying not to make a big deal out of it. But as I sit here writing this, my face is scrapped and bright red on my left cheek up to my temple and it feels like my right knee is swollen and my body just hurts. Poor C felt terrible and wanted to cry and L said she would take care of me. I just wanted to hide for a minute and cry. Ahhh!!!!!

I love soup making season

Click to play | Make your own Smilebox

My little SHOCK of the week

A while back on an internet board I belong to, someone mentioned I should write to the Ensign magazine with my experience with breast cancer. I don't know if it was made in jest or not, but it sounded like fun. So I went to www.lds.org for fun and submitted my story to the Ensign as an idea for a little article. I sent it via email and promptly forgot about it. A few weeks later, I get an email from them saying that they want to purchase my manuscript for the article. HOLY FREAK!!!!! I was really surprised. Then I read the email again and saw that they wanted me to fill out some paperwork and return it to them promptly so they could send me a check. Again, HOLY FREAK!!! I didn't know that they gave money for little things people wrote for that magazine. It never even occurred to me at all and it wasn't the reason I sent it in in the first place. I asked a friend on the internet and she says they do pay for stories and articles, depending on the length and the topic. So I looked a third time on the email and it shows they will pay me $100 for it. Wowzers, I was in shock. My friend warned me again that just because they buy it, doesn't mean that they will publish it right away or even ever! Still, it's nice to dream and it doesn't really matter if they do. They paid me for it!!!!!! Whoo hooo!!!!

Wordless Wednesday

Showing off my new habit, knitting hats. Thank you Knifty Knitters!!

Calgon, take me away!!

I've reached the wall tonight. The point where I want to give up and go home. I'm an emotional person and I'm not terribly spiritual and I use this blog to have my own little personal tantrum. When I'm done with my tantrum, I'm better and able to handle things in a much better mood. So when I talk, I get my innermost private thoughts out and while it may sound terrible sometimes, most of the time I have control and these thoughts and feelings are in a locked way corner of my brain and I don't like to let them out.

Having said that, I want to quit. I don't want to be a grownup anymore. I want to go back to being a child again where if I was sick or scared, I could most likely get a hug and a kiss from my mom and could go to bed and get better. It really sucks to be an adult. I've made lots of bad choices and feel incredible guilt for things beyond my control.

I wish I could go back and make better choices about my education. I wish I had stuck to my schooling and gotten a degree in something, anything! I wish I had been better instead of not finishing because I sucked at school and didn't know what I wanted to be. Maybe then, we would not be so completely tight for money.

I wish I had never ever ever gotten a credit card. No one made me spend money, I did that myself and now I am really paying for it.

I wish that I had a better control over my bad temper. My family is suffering and I'm not helping make things better with my lousy nasty temper. I know what it feels like to grow up feeling like crap and I don't want my children to feel the same way. I'm afraid I'm not succeeding there.

I wish to heaven that I had never discovered that stupid lump in my breast. I'm glad I did for my health, but I royally screwed up our financial situation. It's so dang expensive, even with insurance. My operation to cut off my breast was easily over $35,000 and that's not including the surgeons's fees. I've lost count of how many copays and prescriptions I've paid. I know one shot of Neulasta that I would get after every chemo appointment is $6000. I had 8 chemo treatments and then I had other shots to raise my wbc counts. Yes, insurance paid the lion's share of the bills, but still that's a huge amount to cover. It feels like we will never recover. I'm humiliated to have to ask for help. Help from our church and even worse, to ask our parents for help.

My inlaws haven't asked how we are in ages. If it doesn't involve them directly, they don't care. They have no clue how badly we are struggling financially and they won't unless they ask how we are and they don't ask that. If they don't ask, that's one less thing for them to have to deal with. And heaven knows they will do anything on earth to avoid conflict. I don't want my girls over there for awhile. So much is happening at their home that I don't want my girls near it. But that's a whole other story.

We took our poor Saturn into the mechanic for the every 3ooo mile oil change. Went fine, got in the car, heard a noise, drove less than a block and it's started making a sputtering noise. I limp back into the parking lot to find out that a spark plug blew. 3 mechanics are looking at it and scratching their heads in amazement at how it broke off so oddly. 4 new sparkplugs and wires later and my car is back. But not until I have my father pick me up in Sellwood and bring me home. He came from Vancouver to do this and it's easily a 30 minute drive one way. More drama, lots more money we don't have. This car better stay in good shape.

So there's my whine. I quit, I want to run away, I want to take my percoset and take a nice long drug induced nap.

Wordless Wednesday

My baby's first day of 1st grade.