I want to feel good again

I'm not sure if I've mentioned this before or not. But every card that's been sent to me, every hospital armband, my pathology reports, everything that I can save from this battle with breast cancer is being saved. I'm putting everything in a box so I don't forget. Also, today was a cruddy day. I let a person from work really get to me and make me feel bad about myself and my job that I'm doing. Plus there's lots more drama within my family and within myself that I'm dealing with. So when I have a rough day, I want to be able to pull out some cards that people sent so that I can remember that even when some cuts me down or makes me doubt myself, I have this to remember. Even if I have to tack every single card to my bedroom wall I'm not going to lose these things. Some days it's the only thing that kept me going.

I've been really struggling with some things. Sometimes things are very clear very fast and other times I have to really study and ponder things out and then it comes to me. I've been very upset with God. I'm so angry and mad and I didn't even realize it. I got my diagnosis this March and immediately went into action to "solve" the problem. I just shut away the possibility of anything happening to me and just focused on taking care of business. At each turn I'd be faced with some new situation and struggle instead of getting the okay sign and I'd just get more and more frustrated and angry. Instead of the lump I find being nothing, it's something. Then it's not benign, it's cancer, then not a lumpectomy, they have to take my whole breast, etc. It never seemed like I got a break from the bad news this year. So internally I've been suppressing all this anger and then this fall was so bad. Lots of family pain and struggle, friends hurting, etc.

Now that I know I have this anger, I'm not sure what to do with it. I want it to be gone, but how do you get over it? I know it's wrong to be angry with God but I need to make it better and I'm so far gone that I'm not sure where to start. Sitting still in church when I can go is torture. I hate sitting still in Sunday School class, even Sister P's class where I really want to know more of the material or when Sister R is teaching in another class. It's like I'm almost afraid to submerge myself in the material and make myself vulnerable to whatever feelings come out of that.

I don't feel comfortable with someone who is so deeply in touch with the Spirit because I don't know how to feel it. I'm not someone who feels comfortable being so dang ...vulnerable!! I'm having trouble making my fingers type what I'm feeling in my head. lol The logical side of me knows the right answers to get rid of my anger. Pray, read your scriptures, go to church, do your calling, etc. But it's not that easy. It can't be. I want to really KNOW the answers instead of knowing what to say when it's the right time if that make sense at all.

I've found a very small way to help back at church

I have something legitimate to do on the computer at long last! lol A while back someone in Relief Society mentioned being able to do some type of extraction work while at home. That appealed to me and I meant to get more info on it and forgot about it. Then a friend on an internet bulletin board mentioned doing this and had the website. I looked it up and got all excited again.

What it is is volunteers extracting family history information from digital images of historical documents to create indexes that assist everyone in finding their ancestors. Right now I'm kind of been "assigned" to the Illinois 1900 federal census. It's a page from the census with 50 names and I take the information and put it in the computer. It' easy data entry work but for me it's kind of exciting and sad too. These people were probably standing in front of this person writing their information down and over 100 years later I'm taking their info and putting it in the computer for future geneology work to be done. You can see the occupations they held, how many family members they had, etc. The saddest part was seeing the two categories called Mother of how many children and the how many living children. They are rarely the same number. Most often it's total number of children will have 5 and the living children are 3. So everytime I see the numbers the same, I get happy and feel good for the mother. I can't imagine having to deal with the death of my children for anything.

What's great is that it's not just limited to church members. Everyone who is interested can do it. They prefer you have a broadband connection and they give you a little lesson on how to do it all so you are prepared and know what to look for. This stuff just gives me chills and excites me!! The first night I did at least 150 names and was up till after 1am. For anyone who is interested, please go to this website and help someone find their ancestors. You won't be sorry!!
www.familysearchindexing.org

Something's in th air

I'm starting to get excited for Christmas. I feel guilty since Thanksgiving isn't even here yet! I got my Family Fun magazine and it has so many fun cute projects to do that I've been dying to get started. I want to do so many things and I don't know where to start. Saturday night for some weird reason, I started up 3 different batches of cookies and plan to do more this week. I almost have the little girls presents bought and need just one more gift for them to share and then their stockings. I just hope I don't forget where I put everything.

I love the feeling that comes with getting ready for Christmas. I love the lights, the cold weather, the excitement in the air, the secrets, the fun, the homemade goodies, little crafty things to do, and deciding who gets what for presents. I want to do so many things! Whenever I think about getting ready for the holiday, I get on this high. I have so many low moods that it almost scares me when I get that high because I'm afraid it will pass too quickly or I'll start something and not be able to finish it. What I should do is start making a list of what I want to do and who I want to do it for so I can be semi prepared. I do all sorts of surveys online and I want to cash in all my points for gift cards or certificates so that I can hand them out for Christmas.

My cold is no better, in fact it's worse. I have a dry cough, the runny nose now, and my head aches from coughing. I need to talk to my oncologist tomorrow and see what's up. My skin is getting even more red and the aloe vera is being used more and more. I've given in and will also get a flu shot this year. I haven't done that since I was working at the bank over 5 years ago. But my immune system is down with all the stuff going on this year and I really don't want to deal with the flu on top of everything else.

Little bits and pieces, random thoughts

I'm not even sure what to post about here. I was under the impression that I could write about anything but I'm not so sure now. I consider this my online journal and write down all my thoughts and feelings about breast cancer as they relate to me and my experience. I don't write about everything that happens in my life but if I need to get something out, I will. I have been good about keeping some things private but every once in a while something is going to come out and I'm not going to stop doing that. I've been thinking of making this a private blog but I'm not completely convinced yet.

Anyways, lots of things happening this week. I got my Family Fun magazine for December and there are so many fun little things to do for Christmas. I got the holiday buzz just reading it and I can't wait to start making things. I do some surveys online and get paid for doing them and I'm collecting all the rewards for that and I want to do little things for people this year. We've been helped so much this year and it's too hard to sit back and just say thank you. I need to constructively do something and so I have to get organized and ready to start making little goodies.

One of my favorite goodies this year is the potporri mix that my friend Angela has in her house. She watches Lindsey every morning for about 90 minutes or so while I go to radiation. She had the best smell in her apartment one morning. It was a mix of oranges, lemons, cloves, and cinnamon sticks simmering on the stove. So now I've been obsessed. Every few days I get that going on the stove and the whole place smells like Christmas. I found a friend that had a great smelly mix too that I want to try that has basil and pineapple juice in it.

My favorite homemade gift from last year was a little cookbook my sister E and her family made for everyone. It has some of their favorite recipes plus others from friends and family that they combined for a cookbook. I got it at Christmas last year and immediately went through and found a bunch I wanted to try out. Our favorites are the Emeril's Essence, Pasta E Fagioli soup, L's Beef Brisket, Dilly Pork Chops, and all of E's bread stuff. I've tried several times to make her cinnamon rolls but they never come out right. I want to see her do it once so I get the hang of it and try it better at home.

My grandma in the hospital. Her pacemaker is messed up and not working right so it has to be fixed. She's in OHSU and I'm jealous! It's the best hospital in Oregon and it's gorgeous inside. It's up on the hill and has the best view of Portland. The floors are carpeted in the halls and her room is really nice. It's a private room with a huge window and a couch that's really a bed and two nice comfortable chairs. She even has a dvd/cd player in her room. It's really quiet in the halls even the food looks good! Dang! I've decided that when I have my big booby surgery next year, I want to do it at OHSU. It makes my hospital, SWMC, look like it's scraping the bottom of the barrel for their patients.

My emotions are all over the place. Up and down and changes constantly. It's like having PMS 24/7. My skin is turning a nice dark pink/red color and the patch on my neck is getting itchy since my shirt rubs against it constantly. My cough/cold isn't going away and is just lingering and making me feel yucky all the time. Lindsey has picked up on my moods and has turned into a little monster. I never knew 3 year olds whined and cried as much as she did. It got so bad one night, that after Jason got home, I had to leave. I told him I'd be back and went and grocery shopped by myself and got a pop at the store. My temper is so short with Lindsey and I don't want to get to the point of doing something when I'm angry. I have to learn how to control my anger and not act out when I'm so frustrated that I want to act out.

I disappointed that we won't have Thanksgiving like we normally will. Family from out of town and all of us at my mom's home for dinner. But with my grandma in the hospital things have changed. Our little family will be at my inlaw's for dinner, no family coming from out of town, and we are kind of doing our own seperate thing. My mother in law is a wonderful cook but it just won't be the same. No sibling fighting, no animals trying to sneak food from my girls, no snide remarks or dirty looks, etc. Gotta love those family get togethers.

Happy anniversary to me!!

A year ago this morning I was sitting in my orthodontist's waiting room running my tongue over my teeth frantically. I was scared and nervous but feeling like a dork because I was the oldest person there and I didn't care and was still scared. Yes, I had my braces put on a year ago at 9:50am in the morning. Yes, it's pathetic I still remember the time my appointment was and everything. lol

Things I have learned while wearing braces. I hate eating noodles, rice, chicken, anything with a thin layer of skin, and I really miss eating popcorn and corn on the cob. I remember how nervous I was to even eat after I got them on. I thought eating a hamburger would knock the top wire off and that after getting my braces tightened that I'd never want to chew again. Now look at me! Braces are the least of my worries now. lol

Day 17

I'm starting my 17th treatment today. I was told ahead of time that I may be late in starting, so I can try to work on that stinking puzzle that's driving me nuts in the waiting room. You only have like 3 minutes to work on it before they call you back so you never have time to finish more than 2-3 pieces at a time.

I'm starting to get some skin irritation from the radiation. I have a definite shape on my chest from the rads and a faint red spot near my neck and on my back. The first beam of radiation is higher up and hits my lymph nodes in my neck and it goes straight through me to the table. Which means I get radiation burns on my neck and on my back where it goes right through me. Blech.

I'm having a rough time lately. Everything makes me cry. Jason told me something yesterday that normally I'm really excited about but made me want to burst into tears. Everything did yesterday. I'm struggling to find good things that happen each day. Just too hard sometimes. I had to get started on antibiotics again because the redness in my boob has not gone away from surgery. It's not normal so I had to get on more meds. Then the cough I had never would calm down or go away, so they had to prescribe really strong cough syrup for me. I can't take that when I need to drive because it has codeine in it. But the antibiotics have given me a nice side effect that I can't seem to make go away so I may have to get a prescription for that if it doesn't clear up. I still have another prescription I need to fill but haven't done yet. I am out of my antidepressants and need to get that filled too. I'm a walking pharmacy, I swear.

NOT a good day

There's nothing like being criticized when you're feeling down.

I tried a new thing tonight for dinner and the girls played quietly around me while I was making it so I could concentrate on it.

I made this dinner with a new dish I've never made before. Not one word either way. I did however, hear from my two daughters who are 3 and 5 that they both liked it. In fact, my nearly 3 year old asked for a second helping!!! Now that is praise indeed. Too bad I have to depend on my toddler to show me some love.

I guess I should have had the house spotless. Not like I had anything going on today at all. No running around, picking up kids, going to Vancouver or Gresham, coughing my brains out half the time, dealing with residents, rent, and maintenance guys. Yeah, I was lazy and sat on the computer all day. I didn't pick up the living room 2-3 times and fold and refold the blankets 2-3 times. No, I ignored my children and played games and checked my email online the whole day.

Thanks for the love by the way. I had to ask for it and even then I didn't get any. Nice.

My next scheduled oncology appointment

I had a visit with my medical oncologist this week, Dr. Brouns. He's the one I went to initially when I knew I would have chemo and he's the doctor I met with after my mastecomy to figure out my treatment schedule and what would be best for me. I had my labs done and my counts are all normal with no problems. I talked to him about a few things that were concerning me and then he gave me some great news. Normally I would see him every other week with chemo. After my chemo was over, I saw him once before my surgery in September and then just this week. I was able to schedule my next visit that I have to see with (what I call my CANCER doctor) Dr. Brouns. Wanna know when it is?




May 2007


It didn't hit me till a day or so later the significance of this appointment so far out. I will of course finish out my radiation treatment and see my radiation oncologist in the mean time. But do you see? My main cancer doctor doesn't want to see me FOR SIX MONTHS!!!! When I figured what this meant, I was taken back. That's kind of exciting news for me. I'm gonna think on this awhile and process it more. I've been so taken up with treatment, what to do next, get poked with a needle here, have this surgery, my chances with this, etc. I'm not sure how I feel about all of it.

Rads treatment #10 today

This week has slowed down somewhat. We got the car back on Tuesday evening and I was so happy to drive my own car. I really love that Saturn and it will break my heart when we have to get a different car. So things were going well and I was driving to Target on Wednesday afternoon to run an errand when that freaking coolant light starts flashing again. Turns out that it was leaking coolant from the radiator again. I was so mad!!! This could not be happening. So the car goes back to the mechanic to be fixed and find out what the heck is going on. The guy replaced the hoses and we have our vehicle back and the light isn't flashing. Not yet anyways.

Jason leaves in the morning for his trip to Utah. He's going to stay with K and N. My good friend Vicky is going to pick him up from the airport and take him to Temple Square so he can go through the temple there. I'm so happy she was able to help and I wish like crazy that I could go see her again. We have a lot to talk about.

I'm kind of scared for Jason to be gone. I haven't been by myself with the girls since all my breast cancer stuff has happened. I know I'll be okay, but my confidence wavers at night. Plus I'm afraid the girls will gang up on me and make me want to go insane. I'm already half way there. I'm going to miss him a lot.

Radiation is going okay. I think I'm starting to get a bit pink but it's hard to tell. It also sucks that I have a cough and trying to lay still during treatment is a bugger when you want to cough. I'm just sure one of these days I will need to sneeze and when my head comes up to sneeze, I'll knock my self out on that dang linear accelerator during treatment.

My reduced boob is slowly getting better. I say that because it looks okay and doesn't hurt as much anymore. Laying on my side was a beast for a while because my boob and the liposuctioned area hurt like crazy. I also have paper tape on all the scars so that it will heal better and the scars will be less. That's what Dr. Gray says anyways. One lesson I've learned is that taking the paper tape off in the shower is much easier in the shower instead of before the shower. Less redness and no bleeding. The T junction is still oozing a bit and the lower half of my breast is still red but I talked to Dr. Gray and she says that's normal. It looks freaky to me but I'll trust her on it.