Humiliating experience today at the mall

This may be a quick post. I have to go to the bathroom yet again.

I can't wait till I look more girly again. I had a bad experience at the mall today and it really made me feel BAD. I haven't gone very many places without a scarf or a hat. But I wasn't thinking too hard about it and when our little family left this morning to run errands, I attempted to "style" my hair and we left. I had no hat, no make up on, and no bra. The skin on my chest is still really tender and peeling and scabby and at time painful. So I wore a loose fitting shirt that I hoped would disguise the fact that I only had one booby and wasn't wearing a bra.

I had to go to the bathroom and went into the big new bookstore at the mall. I entered the restroom and passed a lady drying her hands by the sinks on my way to a stall. She stops me by saying, "You do know this is the women's bathroom, don't you?" I was so shocked and couldn't figure out at first what she meant and I just stared at her. I told her I KNEW that and then went into a stall while she tried to apologize. I was so humiliated!!! I didn't have a good comeback or even know what to say at all. I felt so terrible and so self conscious the rest of the day. I was sure someone else was going to do the same thing and I could almost feel myself cringing with every salesperson I ran into. I wanted to go home and hide or at least go home and grab one of my hats and shove it on my head.

The other fun thing is that I finally made a doctor's appointment for my bad back pain. I saw my regular family physician. We had a nice chat and to make me feel better, she ordered xrays though she figured it was probably muscle strain. Every time something starts to hurt, I get a little bit scared that it's cancer in a different spot. I try not to let it get out of control. During the course of our conversation, she told me she was getting me a new prescription. When my chemo stopped and my hair starting growing again, it came in everywhere. Including on my face and I also started getting teenage acne again. This prescription was to control the growth of hair on my face and help the acne. I knew that I had this problem, but I thought it would stop growing soon and I was just trying to wait it out. Anyways, one of the side effects is that it makes me have to pee all the freaking time. In the last hour, I've probably had to go 4-5 times.

Back to the doctor's appointment. Immediately after visiting with my doctor, I went and had the xrays done. The tech called my doctor and over the phone, she told me that I probably tweaked my muscle in the back and told me to start walking and stretching it out. I was so relieved it wasn't anything more!!! I just hope the pain goes away soon because sometimes it can just be so annoying. One more thing that I really don't need.

Discouraging Statistics

I go to a website for young cancer survivors. It's called Young Survival Coalition or YSC. It's a site for women under 40 diagnosed with breast cancer. It's been great to meet with these ladies and correspond with women exactly like me who are experiencing what I'm going through. I ask questions and they KNOW. There isn't anyone else around me that can do that. They don't take any crap, they give you the straight dirt. It can be very encouraging to be around women like that.

Bad news is that they got ahold of my snail mail address. They sent me a letter encouraging me to donate to their fundraising drive. They give a couple of horrible sob stories in their letter and then give these scary statistics. Well, for me they are discouraging. I want to research it more because it just gave me little hope. Here's what it said that was so hard to hear:

• More than 11,000 young women will be diagnosed with breast cancer
• Close to 1,400 of these young women will die
• There is NOT enough research done on young women diagnosed with breast cancer
• Only 50% of women diagnosed under the age of 40 will live 10 years past their initial diagnosis.

Are you freaking kidding me? I only have a 50% chance of making it past 10 years? That SUCKS!!!! I'm so angry that they sent this to me. I have struggled and cried and been so scared of doing the wrong thing this year and they send me this???? I have no clue where the statistics came from or what they include. Does it mean if you never did anything about your breast cancer you would die, or refused treatment, or only did partial treatment? Did it say the stages of cancer you had to be in that category or if the different stages or hormone levels matter at all? How dare they put that information in a letter to someone just barely hanging onto their sanity after going through a year of pure hell. SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (sorry)

I've been on my YSC site watching the progress of one woman in particular. She just entered the hospital and told everyone she had a good feeling she wouldn't be coming out. She wished us all good luck and said goodbye. It seems that since I got my diagnosis, I've known at least 4 women in my life get it too. It's like a sick perverse club or something. I should know better than to think how it could get any worse because as soon as I do, something worse comes along.

My New Years resolution is to make sure I never ask how much worse it can get. I should know by now that if you ask, I guarrentee it WILL get worse.

I've been tagged!!!

I've never been tagged before and I don't know the proper ettiquette of passing this along. But I'll name 5 people and they will have to, as I am, tell 5 embarrassing things or other things that no one else knows about you. Should be fun.

1. I sucked my thumb till I was 8 years old
2. I've only kissed 3 boys in my life and none of them till after I turned 21.
3. I used to go to pro wrestling matches with my dad and I regularly watched WWF/WWE matches on tv when I still lived at home. I even got the magazine when I had the money. Long live Hulk Hogan and Macho Man Randy Savage!!!!
4. My dream is to be able to play the piano like Michael Allen Harrison and dance like all the dancers on "Dancing With the Stars". Oh yeah, in my spare time, I want to do gymnastics like Mary Lou Retton.
5. This one is the worst, or most embarrassing. There is a story to it. But last time I was in Utah, I was convinced I was going to meet the Prophet. I left Utah totally crushed that I didn't.

The story is funny and sad and pathetic at the same time. I went to Utah because I was going to visit my sister and her dh and go to Salt Lake. There was a huge year long exhibit on Joseph Smith and I am so enthralled with him. Anything historical with him in it and I want to learn all I can. So I went to Utah. This is the embarrassing stuff. I had my purse or backpack with me everywhere I went and I always carried a little Book of Mormon with me. The reason was, I was determined that I was going to meet President Hinckley and I would need something for him to autograph. My copy of People magazine didn't seem right, neither did a plain pad of paper. I wanted him to sign something I would be proud to show off to my children.

I was able to go to Temple Square and tour all around it with my sister Kristen. She had a friend that worked at the Church Office Building so we went to visit her. I kept an eye out in the hallways and peeked in doors whenever I could so I could meet the prophet. Down in the lobby while Kristen was talking to someone else, I kept looking everywhere, convinced that I would see him. I even went outside and sat by the fountain and WILLED him in my mind to look outside and know that the needed to come downstairs and meet with me. He would know who I was because, well, he's the Prophet. I fancied that I knew where his apartment was and tried to think in my mind how to get there and go knock on his door.

Reality set in and I had to go home. I didn't get to meet the prophet and I literally wanted to bawl. I was so sure he would meet me while I was there and I would shake his hand and I would get his autograph. I believed it so much I thought it would come true.

There, now you all know even more embarrassing stuff about me. Besides the fact that I sleep with a stuffed Froggie and only have one boob. lol

I know pass this off to Tanya, Corey, Sarah, Misty, and Emily. If any of you read my blog, you've been TAGGED!!!!

Time to see a different doctor

A couple of weeks ago I hurt my back. We got stuck inside our apartment because the locking mechanism in the door froze up on us. So I had to move a bookcase out of the way of the other door to get out. Not smart since it was fully loaded. But it was only being moved like 3 feet so I figured I was fine. Then I got the bright idea of sleeping on the floor of the girl's room to help Chloe feel good about sleeping in her bed. So I'm in a sleeping bag on the floor with a back that doesn't feel so hot. This is a bad combo. So now my back aches in the same spot it did before all this fun stuff with breast cancer. I honestly didn't feel it this year but then I figured out that I was on lots of drugs this year and that probably took some of the pain away so I couldn't feel it. Well, I'm not taking anything but Tamoxifen and something else which is making my back pain come back full force.

I think I'm going to have to go to the chiropractor now. He's a great guy but I don't know what good it will do. Last time I was there, he wanted to take xrays and see if there was something wrong because nothing was making the pain go away. I think he'll want to do that again and I'm not sure I want to do that. I can't deal with something else being wrong. Isn't that stupid? The likelihood of it being even remotely serious is almost nil but then, so was the lump I found in my breast in March. I'd love a day where I was pain free.

So I'm off to call the chiropractor and see if he can get me in. Even if he does an adjustment, maybe that will make me feel better. I hope he lets me bring a little pillow in. I can't imagine having to have an adjustment and being lopsided on the table at chest level. Like having a table leg at the dinner table just a little bit shorter than the other ones. Jason tried to pop my back the other night and it nearly killed me.

Update on my chest. The last 8 treatments of radiation were all dense dose treatments which means they focused solely on my scar. If you draw a line around my scar, it looks like a funky sombrero. Now the rest of my chest is healing, but the scar is bright red and owie. My skin is peeling and flaking and nasty. I can't feel that area since it's numb, so I don't pay attention to it. I checked last night and I peeled some skin. That left the skin underneath bright red and actually a little painful. I guess I can feel something after all. I slathered the prescription cream on it and hugged the frog all night. When I turn over on my side, I hold Froggie close so that nothing hurts my chest and I have that protective soft stuffed animal close so it won't hurt.

Off to make Oreo truffles soon. I'm almost sick of baking now. My house is all cluttered and I just want to dump it all and start over again. I'd just keep our beds, dressers, my rocking recliner, and the couch. Though I'd like to change that up too. Just do it all over again and change everything. Make better choices.

Ding Dong! Ding Dong! Ding Dong!

That was me ringing my bell yesterday morning. I finished all of my radiation treatments, rang my bell, got a scroll, and I don't have to come back for at least a month. My mom met me there with my brother and dad. The boys watched Lindsey and Mom came back and watched them set me up and get me all positioned. Then when I was done, she was right outside the door and watched me ring my bell. Going to radiation yesterday, I was a weepy soggy mess but once I arrived I handled it fine. Nanny and Mom brought me roses and Jason had flowers sent to me since he decided not to come. So I have 3 really pretty bouquets at home for finishing all this.

It's kind of weird. They need to hand out manuals on how to deal with life after treatments are over. What to do, how to do it, etc. It's hard to go from constant daily and weekly appointments to maybe one appointment in a month or so. Like you've left the cancer building and shoved out the door into the cold. What do I do with my life now? There's a huge void now and I've got to get myself under control and back to a better "place". My emotions are really messed up and I know I need to get better. Maybe that's the next phrase of my treatment is getting the psychological treatments done.

To my favorite bishop's family

I hope I don't get too mushy here or make a fool of myself. lol

There is a wonderful family in our ward that I just love. I don't want to say their name, but they are the bishop's family. There isn't a member of that family I don't adore to pieces. From the moment we came to this ward, they have supported and loved us and always had a "Hi Sampson Family!!!" and a smile when we came in the door to church. When I dropped off my dd at their home to be babysat by a nonfamily person for the first time, they didn't laugh at me when I had to sit in the car and cry my eyes out. We are fiercely protective of our girls and only have the best babysit which is why we chose this family to leave our daughter with the first time. B took such good care of Chloe and I'm grateful. I had both C and L in my Sunday School class and even though they were in with a group of their friends, they always seemed to listen and pay attention and that meant a lot to me. I even heard later that one of them said that they enjoyed my class. I wanted to cry when I heard that. I dont know J very well, but when my girls are at their home, I know that they adore him and after they get home, they constantly talk about him. We even had to go get them a Woody doll because J had one and that means they had to have one! lol B & E are the best babysitters and my girls ask for them by name and want to show them their pretty dresses when they get new ones. They take my girls to the park and always have them so active and having fun. A is always talked about and has a happy smile whenever we see her plus I have a braces buddy to talk about how painful it is and the joys associated with it. I choke up thinking of Bishop and A. A has taken care of my girls while I have gone through this struggle with breast cancer without a moment's hesitation. She cares for my girls like no one else and I look up to her and all she accomplishes. I want to be A when I grow up if I ever do. lol She has that quality about her that is so ...eternally special. I could sit and listen to her for hours. Bishop has taken care of us and took special interest in us when I felt unneeded and unwanted. I don't just feel like he's a bishop around us, but a friend besides. It also helps that he likes the same Diet Pepsi drinks that I do! lol He's a wonderful sweet man who has done more for my family than I could ever hope or dream of.

I am so grateful that the Lord has seen fit to gift my family with the bishop's family. I don't think I could ever say this to them without sounding like a fool so I write it out here.

Merry Christmas to my favorite bishop's family!!!! We love you tons.

I locked myself in

Didn't think it was possible? Think again. lol

We have 3 doors that go outside. One in the bedroom, the front door, and one to the kitchen door. We blocked both the front door and the bedroom door with bookcases or a dresser to add more room and get things out of the way. We use the kitchen door for work, so we just use that for getting in and out all the time. Lately I've noticed that the bottom was hard to lock but assumed it was because of the cold and the fact that the childproof cover made it difficult to turn. Well, Lindsey and I got home from radiation the other day and I locked the door behind me once we got inside. A little while later I tried to go outside to get the mail and the door wouldn't budge. I tried everything and nothing would make it move. I ended up calling the locksmith and my dh. I had to move a fully loaded bookcase out of the way of the front door to get out eventually. Next time I will empty it out because now my lower back is hurting again. So Jason got home and finally got the lock off. I bought a new lock from the locksmith yesterday and Jason installed it last night. So now we are safe and sound and back to using the kitchen door and not trying to squeeze out of the front door.

I want to feel good again

I'm not sure if I've mentioned this before or not. But every card that's been sent to me, every hospital armband, my pathology reports, everything that I can save from this battle with breast cancer is being saved. I'm putting everything in a box so I don't forget. Also, today was a cruddy day. I let a person from work really get to me and make me feel bad about myself and my job that I'm doing. Plus there's lots more drama within my family and within myself that I'm dealing with. So when I have a rough day, I want to be able to pull out some cards that people sent so that I can remember that even when some cuts me down or makes me doubt myself, I have this to remember. Even if I have to tack every single card to my bedroom wall I'm not going to lose these things. Some days it's the only thing that kept me going.

I've been really struggling with some things. Sometimes things are very clear very fast and other times I have to really study and ponder things out and then it comes to me. I've been very upset with God. I'm so angry and mad and I didn't even realize it. I got my diagnosis this March and immediately went into action to "solve" the problem. I just shut away the possibility of anything happening to me and just focused on taking care of business. At each turn I'd be faced with some new situation and struggle instead of getting the okay sign and I'd just get more and more frustrated and angry. Instead of the lump I find being nothing, it's something. Then it's not benign, it's cancer, then not a lumpectomy, they have to take my whole breast, etc. It never seemed like I got a break from the bad news this year. So internally I've been suppressing all this anger and then this fall was so bad. Lots of family pain and struggle, friends hurting, etc.

Now that I know I have this anger, I'm not sure what to do with it. I want it to be gone, but how do you get over it? I know it's wrong to be angry with God but I need to make it better and I'm so far gone that I'm not sure where to start. Sitting still in church when I can go is torture. I hate sitting still in Sunday School class, even Sister P's class where I really want to know more of the material or when Sister R is teaching in another class. It's like I'm almost afraid to submerge myself in the material and make myself vulnerable to whatever feelings come out of that.

I don't feel comfortable with someone who is so deeply in touch with the Spirit because I don't know how to feel it. I'm not someone who feels comfortable being so dang ...vulnerable!! I'm having trouble making my fingers type what I'm feeling in my head. lol The logical side of me knows the right answers to get rid of my anger. Pray, read your scriptures, go to church, do your calling, etc. But it's not that easy. It can't be. I want to really KNOW the answers instead of knowing what to say when it's the right time if that make sense at all.

I've found a very small way to help back at church

I have something legitimate to do on the computer at long last! lol A while back someone in Relief Society mentioned being able to do some type of extraction work while at home. That appealed to me and I meant to get more info on it and forgot about it. Then a friend on an internet bulletin board mentioned doing this and had the website. I looked it up and got all excited again.

What it is is volunteers extracting family history information from digital images of historical documents to create indexes that assist everyone in finding their ancestors. Right now I'm kind of been "assigned" to the Illinois 1900 federal census. It's a page from the census with 50 names and I take the information and put it in the computer. It' easy data entry work but for me it's kind of exciting and sad too. These people were probably standing in front of this person writing their information down and over 100 years later I'm taking their info and putting it in the computer for future geneology work to be done. You can see the occupations they held, how many family members they had, etc. The saddest part was seeing the two categories called Mother of how many children and the how many living children. They are rarely the same number. Most often it's total number of children will have 5 and the living children are 3. So everytime I see the numbers the same, I get happy and feel good for the mother. I can't imagine having to deal with the death of my children for anything.

What's great is that it's not just limited to church members. Everyone who is interested can do it. They prefer you have a broadband connection and they give you a little lesson on how to do it all so you are prepared and know what to look for. This stuff just gives me chills and excites me!! The first night I did at least 150 names and was up till after 1am. For anyone who is interested, please go to this website and help someone find their ancestors. You won't be sorry!!
www.familysearchindexing.org

Something's in th air

I'm starting to get excited for Christmas. I feel guilty since Thanksgiving isn't even here yet! I got my Family Fun magazine and it has so many fun cute projects to do that I've been dying to get started. I want to do so many things and I don't know where to start. Saturday night for some weird reason, I started up 3 different batches of cookies and plan to do more this week. I almost have the little girls presents bought and need just one more gift for them to share and then their stockings. I just hope I don't forget where I put everything.

I love the feeling that comes with getting ready for Christmas. I love the lights, the cold weather, the excitement in the air, the secrets, the fun, the homemade goodies, little crafty things to do, and deciding who gets what for presents. I want to do so many things! Whenever I think about getting ready for the holiday, I get on this high. I have so many low moods that it almost scares me when I get that high because I'm afraid it will pass too quickly or I'll start something and not be able to finish it. What I should do is start making a list of what I want to do and who I want to do it for so I can be semi prepared. I do all sorts of surveys online and I want to cash in all my points for gift cards or certificates so that I can hand them out for Christmas.

My cold is no better, in fact it's worse. I have a dry cough, the runny nose now, and my head aches from coughing. I need to talk to my oncologist tomorrow and see what's up. My skin is getting even more red and the aloe vera is being used more and more. I've given in and will also get a flu shot this year. I haven't done that since I was working at the bank over 5 years ago. But my immune system is down with all the stuff going on this year and I really don't want to deal with the flu on top of everything else.

Little bits and pieces, random thoughts

I'm not even sure what to post about here. I was under the impression that I could write about anything but I'm not so sure now. I consider this my online journal and write down all my thoughts and feelings about breast cancer as they relate to me and my experience. I don't write about everything that happens in my life but if I need to get something out, I will. I have been good about keeping some things private but every once in a while something is going to come out and I'm not going to stop doing that. I've been thinking of making this a private blog but I'm not completely convinced yet.

Anyways, lots of things happening this week. I got my Family Fun magazine for December and there are so many fun little things to do for Christmas. I got the holiday buzz just reading it and I can't wait to start making things. I do some surveys online and get paid for doing them and I'm collecting all the rewards for that and I want to do little things for people this year. We've been helped so much this year and it's too hard to sit back and just say thank you. I need to constructively do something and so I have to get organized and ready to start making little goodies.

One of my favorite goodies this year is the potporri mix that my friend Angela has in her house. She watches Lindsey every morning for about 90 minutes or so while I go to radiation. She had the best smell in her apartment one morning. It was a mix of oranges, lemons, cloves, and cinnamon sticks simmering on the stove. So now I've been obsessed. Every few days I get that going on the stove and the whole place smells like Christmas. I found a friend that had a great smelly mix too that I want to try that has basil and pineapple juice in it.

My favorite homemade gift from last year was a little cookbook my sister E and her family made for everyone. It has some of their favorite recipes plus others from friends and family that they combined for a cookbook. I got it at Christmas last year and immediately went through and found a bunch I wanted to try out. Our favorites are the Emeril's Essence, Pasta E Fagioli soup, L's Beef Brisket, Dilly Pork Chops, and all of E's bread stuff. I've tried several times to make her cinnamon rolls but they never come out right. I want to see her do it once so I get the hang of it and try it better at home.

My grandma in the hospital. Her pacemaker is messed up and not working right so it has to be fixed. She's in OHSU and I'm jealous! It's the best hospital in Oregon and it's gorgeous inside. It's up on the hill and has the best view of Portland. The floors are carpeted in the halls and her room is really nice. It's a private room with a huge window and a couch that's really a bed and two nice comfortable chairs. She even has a dvd/cd player in her room. It's really quiet in the halls even the food looks good! Dang! I've decided that when I have my big booby surgery next year, I want to do it at OHSU. It makes my hospital, SWMC, look like it's scraping the bottom of the barrel for their patients.

My emotions are all over the place. Up and down and changes constantly. It's like having PMS 24/7. My skin is turning a nice dark pink/red color and the patch on my neck is getting itchy since my shirt rubs against it constantly. My cough/cold isn't going away and is just lingering and making me feel yucky all the time. Lindsey has picked up on my moods and has turned into a little monster. I never knew 3 year olds whined and cried as much as she did. It got so bad one night, that after Jason got home, I had to leave. I told him I'd be back and went and grocery shopped by myself and got a pop at the store. My temper is so short with Lindsey and I don't want to get to the point of doing something when I'm angry. I have to learn how to control my anger and not act out when I'm so frustrated that I want to act out.

I disappointed that we won't have Thanksgiving like we normally will. Family from out of town and all of us at my mom's home for dinner. But with my grandma in the hospital things have changed. Our little family will be at my inlaw's for dinner, no family coming from out of town, and we are kind of doing our own seperate thing. My mother in law is a wonderful cook but it just won't be the same. No sibling fighting, no animals trying to sneak food from my girls, no snide remarks or dirty looks, etc. Gotta love those family get togethers.

Happy anniversary to me!!

A year ago this morning I was sitting in my orthodontist's waiting room running my tongue over my teeth frantically. I was scared and nervous but feeling like a dork because I was the oldest person there and I didn't care and was still scared. Yes, I had my braces put on a year ago at 9:50am in the morning. Yes, it's pathetic I still remember the time my appointment was and everything. lol

Things I have learned while wearing braces. I hate eating noodles, rice, chicken, anything with a thin layer of skin, and I really miss eating popcorn and corn on the cob. I remember how nervous I was to even eat after I got them on. I thought eating a hamburger would knock the top wire off and that after getting my braces tightened that I'd never want to chew again. Now look at me! Braces are the least of my worries now. lol

Day 17

I'm starting my 17th treatment today. I was told ahead of time that I may be late in starting, so I can try to work on that stinking puzzle that's driving me nuts in the waiting room. You only have like 3 minutes to work on it before they call you back so you never have time to finish more than 2-3 pieces at a time.

I'm starting to get some skin irritation from the radiation. I have a definite shape on my chest from the rads and a faint red spot near my neck and on my back. The first beam of radiation is higher up and hits my lymph nodes in my neck and it goes straight through me to the table. Which means I get radiation burns on my neck and on my back where it goes right through me. Blech.

I'm having a rough time lately. Everything makes me cry. Jason told me something yesterday that normally I'm really excited about but made me want to burst into tears. Everything did yesterday. I'm struggling to find good things that happen each day. Just too hard sometimes. I had to get started on antibiotics again because the redness in my boob has not gone away from surgery. It's not normal so I had to get on more meds. Then the cough I had never would calm down or go away, so they had to prescribe really strong cough syrup for me. I can't take that when I need to drive because it has codeine in it. But the antibiotics have given me a nice side effect that I can't seem to make go away so I may have to get a prescription for that if it doesn't clear up. I still have another prescription I need to fill but haven't done yet. I am out of my antidepressants and need to get that filled too. I'm a walking pharmacy, I swear.

NOT a good day

There's nothing like being criticized when you're feeling down.

I tried a new thing tonight for dinner and the girls played quietly around me while I was making it so I could concentrate on it.

I made this dinner with a new dish I've never made before. Not one word either way. I did however, hear from my two daughters who are 3 and 5 that they both liked it. In fact, my nearly 3 year old asked for a second helping!!! Now that is praise indeed. Too bad I have to depend on my toddler to show me some love.

I guess I should have had the house spotless. Not like I had anything going on today at all. No running around, picking up kids, going to Vancouver or Gresham, coughing my brains out half the time, dealing with residents, rent, and maintenance guys. Yeah, I was lazy and sat on the computer all day. I didn't pick up the living room 2-3 times and fold and refold the blankets 2-3 times. No, I ignored my children and played games and checked my email online the whole day.

Thanks for the love by the way. I had to ask for it and even then I didn't get any. Nice.

My next scheduled oncology appointment

I had a visit with my medical oncologist this week, Dr. Brouns. He's the one I went to initially when I knew I would have chemo and he's the doctor I met with after my mastecomy to figure out my treatment schedule and what would be best for me. I had my labs done and my counts are all normal with no problems. I talked to him about a few things that were concerning me and then he gave me some great news. Normally I would see him every other week with chemo. After my chemo was over, I saw him once before my surgery in September and then just this week. I was able to schedule my next visit that I have to see with (what I call my CANCER doctor) Dr. Brouns. Wanna know when it is?




May 2007


It didn't hit me till a day or so later the significance of this appointment so far out. I will of course finish out my radiation treatment and see my radiation oncologist in the mean time. But do you see? My main cancer doctor doesn't want to see me FOR SIX MONTHS!!!! When I figured what this meant, I was taken back. That's kind of exciting news for me. I'm gonna think on this awhile and process it more. I've been so taken up with treatment, what to do next, get poked with a needle here, have this surgery, my chances with this, etc. I'm not sure how I feel about all of it.

Rads treatment #10 today

This week has slowed down somewhat. We got the car back on Tuesday evening and I was so happy to drive my own car. I really love that Saturn and it will break my heart when we have to get a different car. So things were going well and I was driving to Target on Wednesday afternoon to run an errand when that freaking coolant light starts flashing again. Turns out that it was leaking coolant from the radiator again. I was so mad!!! This could not be happening. So the car goes back to the mechanic to be fixed and find out what the heck is going on. The guy replaced the hoses and we have our vehicle back and the light isn't flashing. Not yet anyways.

Jason leaves in the morning for his trip to Utah. He's going to stay with K and N. My good friend Vicky is going to pick him up from the airport and take him to Temple Square so he can go through the temple there. I'm so happy she was able to help and I wish like crazy that I could go see her again. We have a lot to talk about.

I'm kind of scared for Jason to be gone. I haven't been by myself with the girls since all my breast cancer stuff has happened. I know I'll be okay, but my confidence wavers at night. Plus I'm afraid the girls will gang up on me and make me want to go insane. I'm already half way there. I'm going to miss him a lot.

Radiation is going okay. I think I'm starting to get a bit pink but it's hard to tell. It also sucks that I have a cough and trying to lay still during treatment is a bugger when you want to cough. I'm just sure one of these days I will need to sneeze and when my head comes up to sneeze, I'll knock my self out on that dang linear accelerator during treatment.

My reduced boob is slowly getting better. I say that because it looks okay and doesn't hurt as much anymore. Laying on my side was a beast for a while because my boob and the liposuctioned area hurt like crazy. I also have paper tape on all the scars so that it will heal better and the scars will be less. That's what Dr. Gray says anyways. One lesson I've learned is that taking the paper tape off in the shower is much easier in the shower instead of before the shower. Less redness and no bleeding. The T junction is still oozing a bit and the lower half of my breast is still red but I talked to Dr. Gray and she says that's normal. It looks freaky to me but I'll trust her on it.

I'm grasping at straws to be positive

Gotta think positive, gotta think positive.

Despite the fact that we learned today that the radiatior that has to be replaced and won't be ready till Tuesday and costs over $500, I'm doing okay. I made sugar cookies yesterday and frosted them today with pink homemade frosting that tasted so good! I also got a wonderful little package today from a friend on my breast cancer support group for younger women. Just simple homemade scarf/hats that she made, but they are the style that I like and wear most often. 5 of them and my two favorites are the all black one and the darker material with little sparklies in the fabric. I immediately wore that one when it arrived.

That carried me through the day. Then my inlaws picked up the girls and watched them from the time Chloe got home till Jason and Lindsey arrived home around 8:30pm. Chloe got to spend the night. I was able to walk to 7-11 and get a big drink and watch Friends dvds by myself in my big rocking recliner. So nice!

This week still sucked, but today was okay. I'll take it especially after the past two weeks have really been so terrible.

Panic is starting to set in

There's too much going on and I can slowly feel the panic starting to set in. It's like it's bubbling underneath the surface and I'm just waiting. Chloe has to get to school in the morning, I need to do work stuff, take care of Lindsey, get over my cold and sore throat, plan dinner, clean house, do laundry, worry about various family members and what's happening with them. Try not to get too paranoid about my mil and every word she speaks to me. Go to radiation, make sure I have someone to watch Lindsey during that, see if the car is ready, turn in the rental, pick Chloe up from school, keep my temper, and answer the phone for work.

I'm so close to losing it. I keep breathing fast and I want to cry. I don't know how to make it better though!

What I'm grateful for (NOT!!)

Things to be grateful for:

• My fil didn't have to go to the hospital THIS week. He was in twice last week.
• I got to see the friend of mine that sang at our wedding this week. Unfortunately, the occasion was a sad one since it was a funeral for her sister that died in a car accident.
• The residents I can't stand moved to a different apartment far away in the complex. The girl had friends over and the police had to be called since they got to rowdy and were angering other residents.
• We still have a rental car for a car fender bender a couple of weeks ago. It wasn't till this week that we were able to have the car fixed and therefore got a rental car.
• I don't have an infection in my breast like I thought, but I have developed the sore throat and cold that's going around our family.
• My cousin is recovering from the ectopic pregnancy she found out about. Unfortunately, she is also trying to get over pneumonia.
• I was able to see an old chemo buddy at the cancer center on Friday. Too bad she was there because she was having a CATscan to see why she's on her 3rd different chemo and if it's helping her tumor shrink or not.
• My mom got back from Utah after visiting my sister and bil. I'm glad she had fun with them and getting ready for the baby. I'm sorry to say she's on her way back to Utah for a family funeral this Wednesday. My great uncle's son went to bed and didn't wake up in the morning.
• My grandma made it through her surgery just fine this morning. At almost 92, this is a major victory. The surgery was to take care of the mass that was found in her intestine. They got the mass but found out that it was cancerous.

So I lied. It hasn't been a great week. It has been a lousy week. This all seemed to have taken place in the last week though it may have been in the last two weeks. It's all blurring together now. The cold thing I don't get. I mean, I had chemo this summer that weakens your immune system and I don't get sick. It's almost two freaking months after that, and I get a cold? A stupid cold two months later? I saw 3 different doctors last week for 3 different things plus I started the first of 36 treatments of radiation. I found out some bad things about a friend that has made me feel very cautious around her and I hate that. I had a resident angrily yell at me recently because she thought I was out to get her kids in trouble and get them evicted. I'm not out to get them, they are doing it to themselves. But I've never been treated like that before. I didn't let her see how I felt, but I bawled after she left. While she was in my face, I kept my cool and that adreneline was pumping. I gave back calmly as good as I got. They I shut the door and nearly burst into tears.

Honestly, a couple of good things did happen. My favorite flower lady brought me flowers from her garden again. I'm so gonna miss that this fall and winter when she runs out. lol Also, a friend from the internet remembered that I was looking for pink ribbon things that my dh could wear at work that wasn't too girly. So while she was at the beach, she found a pink ribbon tac pin for Jason and a pink ribbon charm bracelet for me and brought them to me last night. It was great and so cool because I wasn't expecting it at all. :)

First radiation appointment

I got my first treatment today. You know when you build something up in your mind and once it's over you feel exhausted? That's how I felt once it was over. I had so many questions, I was paranoid about moving, didn't know what to expect, so I was running on adrenaline this morning once I arrived at the cancer center.

Cool thing, my chemo buddy Tanya has her rads at 11am and since my appointment was at 11:30am, I was able to see her for a few minutes. It was nice to talk to her. It turns out she started just last Thursday, I started this Thursday and my appointments when they start will be at 10:30am. I'll be able to see her every day for the next month or so! That made me happy. Once again, she's got the headstart and can tell me what to expect since she's a week ahead of me on rad treatments.

I was met by a rad tech, and was introduced to another one. Altogether there are 3 of them and I will get to know them really well over the next month. The ones I met seemed pretty cool. Today was a long visit. I was in the rads room for the first time. The machine is HONKING huge. The best way to describe it is there is a flat table where you lay down and stretch your arms over your head and grab these two handles right behind your head. The machine is behind you and it has a part that look like a swinging arm lamp above you. Except that it also rotates all the way to the ground on either side of you too. I had xrays taken, I was drawn on again, and had to lay still for essentially 45 minutes while I was tugged at, moved, photographed, etc.

The actual radiation treatment was very short. My right chest area was exposed, plastic wrap put on me, and then something like a brass blanket was laid on top. The saran wrap was laid out because they can't wash the blanket since it's brass, so they put something beneath it to prevent it from getting germs and stuff on it. The top of the machine got close to my chest, and then it beeped, then steady loud beep for about 10-15 seconds. This was done at 3 different angles and then it was done. It didn't hurt, I couldn't feel a thing.

I will have 36 treatments which will go through Thanksgiving. My next week as a crazy schedule until next Friday where it will settle down. But for the next 7 treatments, I went at 11:30am, then 1:20, 11:10, 1:10, 11:20, and finally I will settle at 10:30 next Friday. From that day on, each treatment will be at 10:30am. Yeah!!!

Feeling very morbid tonight

I went to a funeral for a young lady today. The family used to be in our ward and we used to know each other's families really well. She died while driving to or from Rexburg to visit her sister at school. She fell asleep at the wheel and rolled her car. She was only 18 years old. I didn't know her personally, but I used to be good friends with her older sister RaeShel who sang at our wedding and her older brother Aaron. It was such a shock to hear of her passing. This is the second funeral in less than 6 months for a family in my parent's ward or used to be in their ward. This one was packed!! There was standing room only in the way far back of the culteral hall. Tons of pictures of N all over the place and you could tell she had a lot of friends as did the family. Everyone was there to support this family.

It was different than any other LDS funeral I'd ever been to. I was thinking the whole time that I want my funeral to be this way. Usually funerals are solemn sorrowful affairs but this one there was laughter, beautiful music, and a different feeling to it that was at times wonderful and at others felt like another production put on by this acting family. I really liked the opening hymn, "God Be With You, Til We Meet Again". There was the talk about the purpose of life which was good since I know that over half the people there were not members. But then instead of a eulogy, two siblings got up and talked about N and gave some wonderful and funny memories. There was an incredible musical number with all the sisters and sister-in-laws. N's sister RaeShel has the voice that would make you cry she's so good. It was a powerful experience to hear them all sing. Then N's parents got up and gave some memories.

That's when I felt the service take a turn. The father is a good actor but he seemed to be putting on a show of sorts. Maybe I just don't know him well enough or maybe I didn't think it was appropriate, but I didn't like how almost rowdy it got when he talked. But that's just him and that's the way he wanted to remember his daughter, so if it made him and his family happy, then I'm glad. It's just not what I'm used to I guess.

The whole service got me thinking about how I want things when I pass away. I liked that opening song, I liked how the memories were done instead of a standard eulogy. The musical number was great. My dad was with me and he said it reminded him of an Irish wake. Well, that's what I want. I want laughter, smiles, good memories, and only good tears not sorrowful ones. I want to be buried earlier or later, but I don't want my casket there. That's all you stare at when the casket's there. You don't remember the person, just the place where their body is. I want to be remembered alive, not dead. I don't know if that makes sense or not. I don't like seeing a dead body because my memory of that person will be forever tarnished by that. And I know that that person isn't really there anymore. I'd rather remember someone while they are alive.

It's such a hard thing to think about now, especially since I got diagnosed with breast cancer. I was really scared for a while that I was going to die. I don't think that now. Now it's just an annoyance because the problem isn't done being taken care of. But when I was diagnosed, I did something kind of private that I don't know if I ever told anyone about. I went to the cemetary where my grandpa was buried and had a little "talk" with him. I don't think it matters what I said, but basically it came down to the fact that I was fearful that I would soon be seeing him. I was very doom and gloom inside when I first heard the diagnosis and every now and then I still feel that way, especially after today. But then I think of my girls and I won't allow myself to think that way. I'm NOT leaving them while they are young. I WON'T!!! I'm gonna be an old broad in my 90s before they are rid of me! lol

Another thing that stuck in my mind after the service today is something one of the siblings said. This girl who died was very unique. She said what she thought, she tried things no matter what others thought, she lived life her way and the hell with everyone else. They encouraged others to be courageous and I want to do that. I want to try something that I've always wanted to do but never had the courage to do. I know my limits though. I'm still not going to make the Olympic gymnastics team no matter how I try, I won't ever play symphonies on the piano, or sing the national anthem at a baseball game. lol But maybe I will learn to play guitar or jump out of an airplane, or get my degree, or try new things. It couldn't hurt, now could it?

Can this week get ANY worse???

Great!!! Just what I need this week.

TMI ahead. I have paper tape on all the scars from my surgery last month. Dr. Gray put them on telling me that it should help minimize or reduce the appearance of scars. On my left boob is a scar that looks like an upside down T. I had tape on everything except right where the junction of the two scars meet and have gauze over it because gunk still is coming out and I was expecting that. I was taking the tape off for a shower this morning and I also took the gauze off. There was a little bit of green gunk and when I checked out my breast, I noticed in the mirror that it was red over half of my boob. Not a good sign with the two of those things together. I have a feeling that I might be having an infection. This really really sucks.

I'm just waiting now calmly to see what else can happen this week. We are still waiting to get our vehicle fixed from the accident because the other insurance company finally accepted that it was their fault and are sending us a check. I have a couple of teeth that are hurting when I chew food on one side of my mouth which means a trip to the dentist possibly, I have to call the doctor tomorrow for an appointment about the possible infection in my boob, my fil has been in the hospital twice in one week for two different problems. One time was for a kidney stone that he couldn't pass and had to be blasted, the other reason was because his heart went out of rhythm and wouldn't go back in. I had an awful time dealing with a horrid resident and trying to get everything fixed with her. Dh is struggling and finally starting to crack with everything going on. I'm trying to work through some depression and make things better.

This all happened this week it seems. Some days I just don't want to get out of bed.

Hair, hair everywhere

My hair is coming back in. This is a good thing and a bad thing. I managed to go at least 4 months without having to shave my legs or my armpits. I think in another couple of weeks, I'm going to have to dust off my razor and start shaving again. I really enjoyed that break. I picked a great time to have chemo anyways. Right during summer time when I wouldn't have to worry.

I have lots of fuzz on my head now. It's very soft and I see both white hairs and dark. I don't know if I'll look like a skunk when I'm done or what. Chloe was rubbing my head a while ago and said that my hair's going in a circle. So it's long enough to go in a direction! That's progress, right? Lindsey loves to cuddle in bed and pet my hair and give me kisses on top now and then. So cute to watch her do that.

It's been a stinky weekend

My boob still hurts at times. I went to the doctor today and she wants me to keep tape on my boob where she cut into me. That will minimize the scarring I guess. I keep it on and change it every 5 days for 6 more weeks. The nurse gave me some stuff to spread on the scars to minimize them. Thank goodness for samples otherwise a 2 oz bottle would have been $40. Dr. Gray also filled a prescription for me since I used up all my leftover Vicodin from chemo for this past surgery. I'm proud of myself. I could have had her give me an earlier prescription for pain meds for the surgery and had lots of heavy drugs but I didn't. The boob is still hurting but it's more nagging and annoying than it was in the days right after surgery.

It seems like when it rains, it pours. We were leaving the church bookstore parking lot and we got hit by another car backing out of a space. Scratched up the passenger side and ripped our bumper nearly right off. The girls were nearly hysterical and the car, Jason was really upset, so I took over and got all the information from the driver. We had a witness and funny enough, a cop car was in the parking lot and was there immediately. We didn't need him though and he left shortly afterwards.

I'm having problems with a few residents in the apartment complex. Major issues with them and the mother of the problem resident that basically rented the apartment for her underage pregnant daughter came and yelled and screamed at me. Ripped me a new one and accused me of singling out her kids trying to get them evicted. She seems to think her kids are angels when they are pains in the ass. I could go on and on about the problems these kids cause, but what good does it do.

Apparently when we moved to Oregon, specifically Multnomah County, we werent' aware of a special county tax. We may not have paid that that year that we moved here, so we are now possibly having to come up with this tax that we didn't pay and I'm not quite sure where that money is going to come from.

Radiation starts Friday, the 13th. Great. I hope I have a vehicle by then that I can drive. After dealing with the nasty resident, I called my boss and told her what happened and that the lady would be calling her in the morning. I also told her I can't do this again and if it does, I don't know if I can handle it and that I will quit. She calmed me down and we settled things. I hung up and proceeded to bawl my eyes out. I suck at confrontation. Usually I will either cry will confronting someone, or I will hide in my room and do it afterwards. This time I was able to hold it in till they left and I was alone.

I'm just done. I don't know what else can happen! Geez! Our car gets hit, I get screamed at by an angry resident, we might have to pay this previously unknown tax, more pain from surgery, new procedures starting this week, etc.

Don't look into the mirror!!

Good things about today. I got a lovely drug-induced resting time. I layed down late this morning and just rested in bed. I was in and out of it and would have happily stayed that way if I didn't have to get up to pee and I didn't feel guilty for being in bed. I wish I could do it again. Also, I got a loud pounding on the door. I peeked through the blinds and saw that someone was delivering flowers. Since it wasn't a resident bugging me, I thought I would answer. I figured it was for the neighbor lady since she was also expecting a package of some kind already. But they were for me! Just a simple small arrangement that put the biggest smile on my face. It got even bigger when I saw who it was from. Uh, who has their orthodontist send them flowers? I've never heard of that before, but that's who my flowers were from!!! How in the world did he know that I had surgery last week? I think I vaguely remember saying something about my chemo ending in August or something like that. It's crazy!!! I'm definitely calling the office tomorrow and giving my heartfelt thanks to them.

Yesterday I thought I was doing good and when Jason was helping me by changing my dressings, I peeked down to see how my new boob looked. From the top you can't see squat but what I did see was higher up and looked ...perky. So I'm feeling brave today and go to take a shower. Which means I took all my dressings, bandages off, and checked myself out full in the mirror. Worst thing I did all day.

I have angry red scars, nasty looking steri strips, black stitches, a drain coming out of my side, and my funkiest looking breast you've ever seen, make that two boobs. One is still Stubby but even stubbier and sunk in, and the other has been carved up and the areola is not anything I recognize. I was still too scared to touch my chest to the warm water in the shower and held a wash rag in front of me. I still have my drain in and felt like I needed to hold it in one hand while showering. I didn't want to let it drop to hold the washrag in place, so my chest didn't get as clean as I would have liked since I was so worried about catching the fabric on a stitch, getting something wet that shouldn't be, and so on. The rest of me felt great though.

Looking at myself in the shower was awful. Your breasts are such a part of you that makes you feel feminine. Mine are carved up and ugly and painful. So any high I was on today is gone. I'm a mess again. I don't look pretty, I don't even look okay, and I definitely don't feel beautiful or okay. I just cried and cried later. I still feel like doing it now. Hearing someone say that it gets better later is just peachy. But I'm living in the NOW, I don't want to hear about later.

Recovery is good

I'm doing much better than I was expecting. My last surgery was huge and painful and I thought I would be in so much pain than I was before. But it's like Dr. Gray said, compared to the mastectomy, this was a piece of cake. Still hurts at time, but nowhere even close to what I had in April. I wish it was calmer here. I think it will help when Chloe goes to school tomorrow. As much as I love the girls, they bring a lot of chaos here and it's hard to relax when there's a lot going on. I'd love for them to go to Grandma's for a couple of days so I can have some more naps. I absolutely love taking naps! I get all my pillows arranged and set up and I could sleep for hours. Just not the same at night.

I'm still trying to be cautious though. I don't want to do too much and regret it later. So even though I feel good, I'm going to try and be careful and not overdo it. I wish Jason could stay longer. (sigh)

Time for more meds, antibiotics, and getting my dressings changed. Can hardly wait for the next day and all the fun stuff that comes with it.

Home from the hospital

This will be long. I'm up at 3:52am on Saturday morning because I can't sleep. I hope I remember everything. lol

Jason and I left at 5:40am Thursday morning for the hospital. My mom came over to get Chloe to school and Lindsey to the babysitters. Mom's back went out while getting out of the car at our apartments and that made everything worse for her while dealing with the girls. I felt terrible. We checked in at the hospital and sat around waiting for my turn to be dealt with. There was a young child that was going to have surgery and I couldn't help but wonder how I would deal with things if it was my child going to have something done. I'd be a wreck. I finally got back and in my gown. From there things moved quickly. Within the hour I was in preop and waiting to go back to the OR. They were switching to a new computer system and were in their 2nd day of it so know one was really familiar with everything. I didn't start to freak out or panic till it was almost time for dh to leave. Then I had to switch to some deep breathing and trying to still the thought of wanting to hug my babies. I didn't do that before I left because they were sleeping and I didn't want to disturb them. I bawled for a few minutes and then was a little better.

I said goodbye to dh and they wheeled me into the OR. Dang, I forget how chilly it is in there. But I got on the table and they started giving me stuff. I remember it being 8:33 when I got in there and they put the oxygen on my mouth and then they said it would be less than a minute and I would be out. Next thing I remember is being in recovery and not being able to keep my eyes open for the life of me. I could hear everything but just not keep my eyes open long enough to see much. I guess I didn't get back to a room till nearly 3pm. That panicked Jason because Dr. Gray came out after noon and said she was done. They didn't have any beds available so I had to wait. They didn't tell him that though, so he thought something was really wrong.

I requested a private room if there were any, but there weren't and I was surprised that I was actually looking forward to a roommate. Weird how things change. I am happy to say that when I got to my room, I was the first one there so I got the side with the window. That helped with my small case of claustraphobia. Just being able to look out made things better. Things are kind of fuzzy for a while but I remember having an ice pack on my chest. I couldnt figure out why. Then the tight feeling in my chest brought it all back. Problem was, that I would have the ice on my chest and for some reason that made my stomach clench up and I couldn't relax. So I constantly had a stomachache. Then the hot flashes would start, so they put a ice pack on the back of my neck and I think a cold washrag on my head. Most attractive.

When my roommate came in, I was still kind of out of it. But I could hear everything. She was in her early 40s and it sounded like she never left the house without makeup and that was bothering her. She had a chest tube in and a machine to help suction it out. But I didn't know that at the time, I only heard chest tube. So the bubbling I heard I thought was relaxation pond or something that someone brought from home to help her feel better. It actually helped me relax and put me to sleep! I asked later and felt like an idiot when I was told what it was. She had plenty of visitors from family and that was fine. I listened a lot. (hee,hee,hee!!)

Afternoon was a blur but by dinnertime I was awake and I thought doing fine. So I drank some and actually attemped dinner. Not such a great idea. Remember the stomach clenching? I couldn't recognize that I was feeling sick till almost the last minute. The nurse was in the room and I told her I needed help. Then I needed it NOW!! My roomie had visitors and they handed me a get sick container and I barely made it in time. Then I needed a bigger one and a hand reached out from her side and handed me her other one. Then my roomie immediately got sick! She was feeling nauseated and since I had all her sick trays, she had to have a family member get something quick and she ended up using the brand spanking new commode tray. So the nurses had fun with us for a while cleaning us up since we spewed at the same time. I had to get my ice pack changed, my blankets, and cleaned my face up before I felt halfway decent again. I just thought it was hilarious that we both got sick at the same time. The rest of the night I was careful and had ice chips, water, and later on I had graham crackers. Made the potty trips with my IV pole and managed to knock or bang everything I could on the way there.

The rest of the night, my roomie and I got awake at the same times and either she or I would have to ring for the nurse for something. So every 3 hours it seemed we had our drinks changed, vitals checked, etc. I had to have help getting to the bathroom, because I had my IV pole, and those compression things on my lower legs. Every minute all night long they would come on, puff up and compress my legs, and then turn off. Every minute! Then on the IV pole, it would click every time the saline would drip. I was so used to it the first time I had surgery, that it didn't bother me and I slept okay despite it. It was just a pain trying to gather myself for the potty trips.

In the morning, my roomie wanted some sun, so she pulled the curtain back and we got to talk. Turns out Sandy has a 5 year old daughter too as did I and the nurse taking care of us. We had great talk and she seemed like a nice lady. I could tell she was a little more upper class than I, but when you're in the situation we were in, there's no being your usual self. I found out her mil was just diagnosed with colon cancer, and when she came in later, I got to talk to her for a few minutes.

I attempted breakfast and was also given my favorite hospital cocktail, cranberry juice and Sierra Mist. I had that when I was at the hospital with my csections and loved it. It was comforting to have it again. I drifted in and out and had visitors. I know that Shannon and Dad came the night before and Jason was with me most of the previous afternoon. He went home around 5:30pm and got the girls and spent time at my inlaws house. They had a nice dinner for him since it was his birthday, poor guy. Mom and Nanny came even with Mom's bad back. I was trying to talk to both Mom and Nanny, but I don't think Nanny heard me very much. I felt bad flipping back and forth between them. Jason came in later and he spent the rest of the day with me.

I was getting worried because Dr. Gray hadn't come to see me yet. In fact, I didn't end up seeing her till just before I left at 7pm or so. I could have had the nurses show me what to do, but I wanted to talk to her and so even though it was incredibly late, I waited. Got to have a lovely dinner of nasty mac & cheese, but the great nurses slipped me some yogurt and custard instead. I would talk on and off with Sandy every once in while, but mostly Jason and I had quiet time relaxing. He would help me get to the potty and back and we made a couple of trips around the ward in the afternoon when I felt up to it. The dang bra they put me in after surgery was really annoying and painful. The drains were hanging out underneath them, so it would rub up against the tightly attached bra and it was really hurting me. I was good with the pain meds though. I didn't take it as much as I thought but I also didn't let me get too much pain. It wasn't morphine either, so it didn't knock me on my butt immediately either.

I can't remembe much else now because the percoset if FINALLY starting to kick in. It's really hard not to curl up on my side. I want to desperately and I can't do it and that's making it hard to sleep. I can't believe I miss my hospital bed, but I do. I could get in any position to make it easier to sleep and at home I can't. It's either flat on my back in my bed or face the eastern sky and try to sleep in my recliner that I can't manuever very well with all my owies. I think I will try the bed again. Starting to feel a little sick too. I'm done for now, I'll try and write more later.

It's the night before surgery

Just a few more hours and I head to the hospital. All I've been thinking about today is my surgery and all it covers. I'm having my port taken out first, then my tissue expander, and then my left boob reduced. I went to the doctor's today and she marked me all up with a purple marker that has bled all over my shirt, my bra, and I put my arm down on my side and when it came back up, I had purple marks on my arm. I think Lindsey wants to grab a marker and take her turn on me now since the doctor got to do it. lol

The hospital called with preregistration questions and info for me. I called my oncologist and after two days finally got a call back. My fingers on my right hand and the back of my hand is swelling. When I saw it for the first time, I immediately called the doctor because I was scared it was the beginning of lymphedema. I still don't know if it is or not, but both Dr. Gray and Dr. Brouns want me to se a lymphedema specialist just to be sure. She can give me some good information on specifically what to look for and be aware of.

I had a very special blessing tonight. I wanted a blessing before I went in and Jason asked who I wanted. I wanted Bishop Powell because his wife has already gone through breast cancer and I knew I would be okay with him seeing me bald. Yes, it's vain, but I have very little left to be proud of. He told us once he got her tonight that he was pleased to help, but unsure why we asked him. Then he said that his wife told him it was probably because of her previous experience with cancer and that he would understand. It was exactly that reason why I chose him! My home teachers are great, but one of them is a kid I taught in my SS class last year. I don't feel comfortable talking about my cancer with someone I taught as a teenager. It was too difficult and awkward for me. But everything went fine tonight and I was very touched to hear the sweet spirit he brought to my home.

I had a situation with my mil today that ended badly. I opened my mouth when I just should have kept it shut. Now we are both upset I think and I feel horrible. I was feeling pretty decent all things considered and now I'm just an emotional mess again and feeling panicky about tomorrow and everything that is going on. I'm letting this one thing mess me up and I'm having trouble making it stop.

One good thing today is that my chemo buddy Tonya called me. I was so excited to hear from her. She starts her radiation tomorrow if her sore is better from her mastectomy. If not, she will have to wait yet another week. I saw her the day after her mastectomy and she is going to possibly attempt to see me tomorrow or the next day after my surgery. It was great talking with her and catching up. I didn't realize how much I miss her friendship and understanding in all this.

I was going to be brave and not have a private room. Then I figured that we already matched our deductable and if I do get a private room, insurance is paying for it. So bring on the privacy since we don't have to pay for it. If I don't get it that will be fine too. I just hope I remember to bring my earplugs with me.

Wish me luck that everything goes smoothly. We had a few bumps in the road in the last surgery and it's about damn time something went right for once. Pray that the swelling I'm feeling in my hand is in fact NOT lymphedema and instead just something minor that will go away soon. Dr. Gray said that she is doing the left breast reduction and doing some lipo on my left side. If I didn't have any swelling, she would have done the same on the right. Dang it!!! I wouldn't have minded that.

I'm up till midnight or as close as I can get it. I can't eat after that, so I'm going to eat just before it so I will hopefully not be too hungry in the morning. Silly goose!

I'm afraid of asking too many questions

I was searching through my breast cancer websites and found a support group for young women with cancer. I'm new to it but I have so many questions. I feel like an excited little kid that can't shut up and wants answers to everything. I love the support I've gotten from friends and family, but it doesn't always include that element of "been there, done that" to it. It's wonderful to get help and love and everything like that, but it's different getting it from someone who knows EXACTLY what it feels like because they are experiencing it at the same time or have just gone through it. Plus they are the same age as I am. I even found a lady in Florida who is having surgery the same day I am this week. Weird.

I've really messed up this year on family events. On my parent's anniversary, I told them I found out I have breast cancer. Three days after my birthday, I have a mastectomy. I had chemo a day before my dd's birthday and basically missed her day because I was in bed recovering. I have surgery on Thursday which is my dh's birthday. Even better, I found out on Friday that my first radiation appointment called a sim, is on Friday the 13th in October. Yeah, I really know how to pick em, don't I?

Met with yet another doctor today

I went and saw Dr. Schneider today. He is my radiation oncologist and will oversee my radiation treatments when they start next month. I forgot that I saw him back in May and he gave me an overview of what to expect when radiation starts. Well, this visit today was just a refresher of that appointment. He seems so kind and so ready to make things right for me. He wanted to see me before my surgery and he set me up to have an appointment two weeks after my surgery. If I'm able to get my arm up over my head so they can get all the angles right, then I will have the simulation done on 10/13. The sim is where I'm assuming he will have the techs set me up for my regular radiation treatments. They will position me just right, set the coordinances with the lasers, tattoo me, and all that fun stuff. Next week, I see Dr. Gray on Wednesday so she can mark me for surgery, I have labs done, the hospital calls me for preregistration, etc., etc.

I'm glad of what the surgery will entail, but I'm still fighting that feeling of wanting to get the hell out of town. I just have to calm down, take deep breaths, and be grateful for what will happen. The real time to panic will be next year when I have the super big surgery to make the new boob. This one will be easy. Go in, take out my port, my tissue expander, and reduce my boob. Should be a piece of cake, right? Why am I still scared to death then?

Hot flashes are driving me nuts

I had hot flashes all summer long. Some weren't so bad. It was hot anyways, so I would be hot and then get really hot and then go back to hot. No big deal. Well, it's started to cool down and so I go from cold, to cool, to HOT, and then back to cold. So I'm constantly taking off my flannel shirt and then shivering and putting it back on after the hot flash is over. I think in an hour, I have at least 10 of them. Jason was making fun of me last night because all I did was struggle in and out of my flannel shirt and throw my blanket on and off. I wish it would hurry up and end because it is so frustrating.

Surgery update

I went and saw Dr. Gray this afternoon. I am having surgery later this month and she will be performing it. I originally was going to have a saline implant and this spring I went through many weeks of being filled with saline through a tissue expander that was put in the same day that I had my mastectomy. Sometime in July, I found out that the expander burst or got a leak and the saline leaked out. So I will have to have a different type of operation to reconstruct my breast and that will take place next year probably in the spring. This surgery will take out the "broken" tissue expander, remove the port that helped administer my chemo IV drugs, and give me a left breast reduction. I'll stay in the hospital overnight and go home the next day.

Since chemo, my brain has turned to mush and I had to really think about what I wanted to ask the doctor. I even had my mom come with me so that she would help me out with the questions I needed the answers to. My surgery starts at 8:30am which means I have to be there at 6:30am which means I have to get up at 5:30am. All this means that I will be up till at least 12:05am the nightbefore eating a midnight snack since I can't eat after midnight. I hate not eating. lol My regular surgeon Dr. Killway will take my port out and then Dr. Gray will cover the rest of the surgery. My biggest worry is that I'm not sure how we'll take care of the girls that morning. C has school now but L will be taken to a church member's home. It's just a matter of who takes me to the hospital and who watches the girls. Should be fun.

I'll only be overnight and go home the next day. I can't move my right arm more than 45 degrees for 3 weeks, no driving for at least 7-10 days, and who know what else with my left arm.
I see my radiologist on 9/22, I have a mammogram on Tuesday, labs done, see Dr. Gray again, and then enter the hospital after that on Jason's birthday. Did I mention I have my mammogram on my anniversary? So I messed up my parent's anniversay this year, my birthday, my anniversary, and my dh's birthday!! Glad I could hit as many as possible. If the cancer center was open on Thanksgiving, I know I would be having radiation on that day too just to make life even more fun than it already is.

Quick note. The Race for the Cure is this Sunday and I want to go so badly. I'm not racing, but I want to be there to see everyone doing this for breast cancer. It's an amazing feeling to see and know that these people are racing to find a cure for something you are suffering from. They have a Sleep In for the Cure and if it wasn't so much I'd do that. You basically turn in a donation of $25, get a t-shirt, and you sleep in and don't have to show up. How cool is that?

Feeling like the fat kid that never gets picked

I'm starting to read more and more blogs of friends of mine that I've met online. Some are great and have good stories, messages, pictures, etc. I know my blog is focused on my battle with breast cancer and is not "uplifting" or funny or cutesy in any way. But a small secret part of me whines and wonders why I don't have the comments some other people do that I know. Am I not writing stuff as good as their stuff? I know a lot of my entries are downers, but I can't help that. This blog is solely for the purpose of dealing with my breast cancer. Oh well, I guess I shouldn't complain. I didn't write this blog for the pupose of hearing someone say they read it. It's not needed, but dang, it would be nice to hear it now and then.

9-11-06

Well, it's 5 years later from that horrible day. As much as I want to sometimes, I can't forget that day or the days that followed. How am I going to forget watching the WTC and the billowing smoke and the feelings I had while holding my newborn daughter at the same time? I just held her tighter. Am I going to forget how scared I was to let my husband go to work in the tallest building in Portland? He worked in the basement andf he wouldn't be able to get out if his building was hit and collaspsed. I watched that second plane hit, and I could have sworn I was watching a movie. It's New York for heavens sakes. They always show New York getting bombed or destroyed in movies, it had to be that. Nothing like planes flying into buildings happen in real life. My brain couldn't wrap itself around the fact that it really did happen, that people were evil enough to plan something so horrid. My brother travels for his job quite a bit. I knew that he had been in New York the previous week and found out later that he had stayed in the Marriott that was either at the foot of the WTC or pretty damn close. I was terrified to get on a plane again and I'm still scared to do it but have to calm myself down to not freak out. I taped the movie that the French filmakers made called "9/11". It was made with Robert DeNiro being the narrator. I watched it that night and I haven't been able to see it since. It hurts too much still. To see all those people racing into the buildings, hearing the horrid thuds of people jumping from the buildings and hitting the ground, the screaming, the dust billowing down the street as everyone races away.

I don't want to ever see or hear another thing about it. But I do at the same time!!! I don't want to forget but I don't want to be terrified when I think of it later. I'm not okay with this day and I have a feeling I never will.

Update on church today

I compromised with myself. I went to Relief Society instead of all three hours. Even once I sat down, I had to fight with myself not to jump up and run out of there. I arrived at church just as Sunday School was getting out. So a flood of people came out of the room while I was waiting to get in. Sister Amy P cornered me and asked me how I was doing. That opened the floodgates and I started bawling. I told her how I was doing and my stupid nose is running and so are the tears down my face. I think the world of Amy and I just wanted to keep hugging her all afternoon. She's so wonderful and I love her and her family to death. I seriously think if I didn't run into her today before Relief Society that I wouldn't have had the courage to stay.

Can they cancel church tomorrow?

I don't want to go to church tomorrow. I'm starting to panic at the thought. I've been sick a lot this summer with chemo and haven't been to a full 3 hour church meeting in a long time it seems. I'm scared and frankly, I don't have anything to hide behind if I don't go tomorrow. At times like this, I wish my mom was here. I seriously need some comfort right now. I don't want to answer questions, I don't want to wear a hat, I'm really really tired of hot flashes, and my physical appearance is not what I want it to be. I wish I could hide at home and never come out. But the other side of me wants friends to surround me and be with me and keep me company. It's so confusing and hard to know what to do. Problem is, it's not that hard or it shouldn't be.

Latest oncologist appointment and good news

I met with Dr. B for the last time for a while. I had labs done before I saw him and he let me know that I could have my port taken out during my surgery this month. He also said that my labs looked great and that I would need any more red or white blood cell shots. I got my prescription for Tamoxifen and will fill that within the next month or so. I get to take that every day for 5 years. I sure hope the prescription is cheap.

Oh, even better news. I have peach fuzz on my head. It's very light and super soft which is why I haven't really noticed it before. I thought I saw it earlier but figured it was fuzz from a shirt I had just put on. Nope, it's HAIR!!!!

Bundle of raw emotions

All of a sudden I'm so emotional. I got a book from the library the other day on this lady's experience with life after breast cancer treatment. I just thought it wouldn't be something I haven't already heard. But just in the first chapter or two some pretty powerful (for me) things were written. Finishing treatment is a big deal. I was ready to celebrate and ring my bell and be done with chemo. But I was sad and scared and emotional. It's like from the moment I had heard that I had breast cancer, I was on the move and doing things constantly to "improve" me or make me better. I was always working on "fixing" me.

Well, now I'm done with chemo, I don't have surgery till the end of the month and then radiation starts. I feel like I've had all this stuff done and now I have to just LIVE with it without any improvements for a month. Like I'm being shoved out into the dark and told to find my way without any guidance. That's the best I can describe it. Well, this book talks about these very feelings I have and how it's normal and not what you would think someone would feel. Someone without cancer like your family that is supporting you celebrates because this stage is over and yeah, the treatment is done!! Well, now it's time to live with it and that is even scaries that the treatment.

It's like a lightbulb went off today as I was reading the book and all these emotions are hitting me all of a sudden. Guess, I'm not as weird as I thought. I just didn't know other women with my experiences felt the same way.

We met Chloe's kindergarten teacher tonight

Such a big day for Chloe and me. Well, more for me than her. My baby starts school next week and we went to her school today and found out who her teacher was. She has Mrs. Martinez and she seems like a real nice person. She has 22 kids in her class and Chloe will have her first day of school next Thursday. Next week they have gradual entry for the kindergarteners. Each day next week, only about 7 students from each class go on that day. Chloe's day is Thursday and she will be there all day. Then the next Monday, Sept. 11th, she starts going every day.

I went today really nervous. I had some questions and concerns in my mind that were probably trivial, but were a big deal to me. This is my FIRST baby going to school and leaving me and I had all sorts of silly fears. But Mrs. Martinez answered all my questions, I got all the info I needed, and now we have alerted all our family to save cereal tops for education dollars. lol I can't begin to say how excited, relieved, and happy I am that Chloe is going to David Douglas school district and not Portland Public Schools. I would have moved back to Vancouver or homeschooled her if I thought she would go to PPS. She will have all day kindergarten, the school is on the other side of the park which is only a football field length away from our front door. We will be able to walk Chloe to school every day.

So to start things off, we went inside the school and saw which teacher she would have and what room she was in. We headed down the hall with the sea of parents and children to the different classrooms. We found her room in the very back of the school in the corner from where we started. This did not make me feel very good. But we got to the classroom and I met the teacher. When did all the teachers start getting younger than me??? She looked like she was barely out of high school. But we walked around the room and got her familiar with everything that was going to happen. I saw a schedule of her day, where the cubbyholes were for backpacks, the reading area, and the desks. I felt good being in there and it made me happy to see where Chloe would be all day. Jason and I introduced Chloe to Mrs. Martinez and they had a little chat. We also met the teacher's aide Nicole too. We found the library, the gym, cafeteria, etc. Everywhere that Chloe would be, we went and found it so she knew what it looked like.

I had the dumbest thoughts in my head but I seriously could not remember anything, so I had to find out and ask the dumbest questions. I found out that the kindergarten kids eat at their own table, they go to lunch together, the teacher's aide stays with them during lunch and helps wherever needed, Chloe will have snack time, recess where she won't have a chance to walk home, etc. From the playground, you can see our apartment and I worried that she would want to take off during recess and walk home. But they have people on the grounds watching the kids and Chloe would never get that far without someone noticing and bringing her back. I have Mrs. Martinez classroom number, the office number, and all the information I could need.

When we left, I felt shaky and weepy. It's like Mom said, I had the bringing up of Chloe for 5 years and now I was handing her off to be taught by someone else. I wasn't sure I could do this, but I'm proud of Chloe and I know that she will do awesome. She's terribly shy, but I KNOW that this experience will be so good for the both of us. It's just hard to believe that my baby is going to school! I feel like crying now.

Just pray that I don't make a fool of myself on her first day of school. I'm going to work on not letting her know I want to cry and then making sure I don't actually do it till after I drop her off in her classroom.

Bawling all day long

What the heck is wrong with me today? Everything makes me cry! My girls left and normally I'm thrilled, but I'm all alone and I want to cry. I know my mil is upset with me and no matter what I say to her, she says everything is great even though both Jason and I can tell it isn't okay and that makes me cry because everything used to be so good. I started a new blog just for my girls and that made me cry because I was a lousy mom and never did all the good mom things like doing baby books. I went in for my shots today and asked what would control the hot flashes. They told me Vitamin D and that made me cry for some dumb reason. I wanted a hug and no one's around and that's making me cry. I swear I think I'm losing it today and that's making me cry. I'm a mess!

8th chemo treatment went great today

The girls went to the babysitters this morning and didn't look back. I told Chloe I would call her later and I didn't do it. I wish I had, because it turns out that she threw up twice while she was there and I didn't get a phone call about it. I feel terrible! I guess she was asking about us and kept saying her tummy didn't feel good. I really feel rotten about it.

But Mom picked me up this morning and we went and saw Dr. Solti for my appointment. Dr. Brouns was gone and so I saw her. I started going back to the chemo room and getting my port stick put in and put on some saline type of stuff before seeing the doctor. Then I went back and got my good spot and was able to chat with my new chemo buddy Debi. Her hair is starting to fall out the night before her second treatment. So next time I expect to see her bald. It took a while to get started with the real chemo drugs, but I had time to spare. Mom kept me company for a while and then she left and Shannon and Dad showed up and visited with me for a while. They brought the cookies I made yesterday and set them out. The nurses handed them out to all the chemo patients and it made me feel good to know that all 7-8 dozen were gone by the end of the day and I had many compliments and comment directed towards me concerning them.

I'm impressed. My brother is deathly afraid of needles or has some type of paranoia about them. Anyways, he came for about 3 minutes to say hi before I told him he could leave with Mom. lol At least he showed up anyways. Jason was able to arrange half a day off by working on Sunday, so he came to stay after about 1:30 or so. He brought me three balloons and two cards, one from him and one from work. They were both wonderful and when I opened the card from his coworkers, it would sing "I will Survive!". Very nice.

Towards the end of chemo, I called Mom and told her to come over so she could see me ring my bell. I got tired of waiting and hit the bathroom. When I came out, my dad, sister, Nanny, mom, husband, and a friend and her son where there waiting for me. I got nice cards from Shannon and Mom and she made me an apron so I can get back to some serious cooking! Was that a hint or what? That and the pair of tongs I've been wanting gave the clues away.

So they all got to watch me say goodbye to various people I know and don't know. The nurses, other patients, and the scheduling staff. Then it was time to ring the bell. Jason set the video on the camera and I rang it out loud. All the nurses and patients stopped and clapped and cheered for me. It was very emotional because Mom and I both started getting weepy. Such a big deal! Ringing that bell meant so much! I was done with this part of my life and time to get onto something else. I will miss this experience so much.

I'm still not completely sure why I will miss it. But my nurse was telling me that just because I'm not actively doing something to fight the disease, I'm still healing and getting better. She said a lot of people get done with chemo and ask "Now what?". I know I have surgeries and radiation coming up but it's not that simple. This chemotherapy was such a life altering experience. If you haven't done it before or known someone who's done it, you don't get it. And then you don't have it anymore and you don't know how to fill that void. I found a book on amazon that I want to get that talks about it. I'm also thinking it might be a good idea to find a support group for breast cancer survivors so that I can continue to be around a good group of supporters to help me through this. We'll see how it goes. I wish so many things that can't happen. I'd love to go out and laugh with Erin and Kristen sometime. They can make me laugh so hard at times.

But it's getting late and I'm so tired and exhausted and emotionally shot today. I'm going to take my meds and go try to sleep. I have a sick baby, so I hope she has a good night too. She will be staying with me tomorrow if she's still feeling icky and Lindsey will go to Grandma's house. Hope all goes well there.

My last chemo is tomorrow!!!!

I can hardly believe that I will be done with chemotherapy tomorrow. It seems like I've been doing this forever. I had absolutely no idea what to expect with the first treatment and now I'm an old pro at it. 4 months have gone by and soon 8 treatments will be finished. I've been poked, prodded, had labs done too many times to count and I feel like a giant pin cushion.

It's weird to say and understand, but I will miss it. I will miss going in every other Thursday and sitting with friends that KNOW better than anyone what you are going through and think nothing of the lack of eyebrows you have or the new scarf or hat you have on to hide the hair. I will miss the laughter, the smiles of the nurses, my comfy fake leather recliner, and the fact that they FINALLY fixed the ice machine after it's been broken all summer long. Doing chemo was proactive and about the only thing I felt I could do that was doing something towards beating this disease.

I will miss especially(my nurses) Janelle, Tara, Amy, and even Desi. I'll miss Donna, Nancy, Sue, and mostly Tonya (my chemo buddies). She had her last treatment last time I was there. She knew I would be lonely and set me up with a new lady, Debbie who was having her first treatment. Tonya made me laugh, smile, and talk when maybe I didn't want to. She saved me a chair with "the girls" so when I arrived later, I would have a good spot to sit at and could laugh and talk with them. She made it easier to bear and even helped me to look forward to treatment because I knew she would be there. It will be hard to go tomorrow when I know she won't be there.

I didn't want to bring in a cake because that seemed a little too impersonal, so I made big batches of oatmeal raisin and chocolate chip cookies. My mom is bringing in some fruit and together we'll have the makings of a good going away party for me in the chemo room. I will really miss being there but I'm glad it's done too. I hated the Neulasta and Listera shots on Fridays. Those hurt even though Janelle is really careful about giving them to me. She does everything possible to make it easier to bear.

I hope everything goes well tomorrow and that I will be able to have the chemo. I didn't wait around for the results of my labs on Tuesday and if my levels aren't right, I won't do the chemo and will have to wait. But I've never had to put off a visit yet though I came close one time. Nothing out of the ordinary has happened, so I'm sure it will be fine.

Wish me luck and help me to be able to sleep tonight!!!

Last chemo on Thursday!!!

I can hardly believe after Thurday that I will not have to have another chemotherapy treatment. Has it really been 4 months since I started this? Doesn't seem like it. What am I going to do on Thursdays now? I'll have to find some other "fun" activity to replace sitting in a chair for 4-5 hours receiving drugs bad enough that a nurse has to wear special clothes at times to administer it to me.

So I want to do something special on Thursday. Bring a card or something to my nurse Janelle. We are assigned a nurse when we start and she was mine from the beginning. She's been great, real supportive, extra attentive, always making sure everything is just right. But somehow I don't think Hallmark has a card for this occaision. lol I'm not a sweet and sugary person a lot so I'm not sure how to proceed. I'm not even going to see my regular oncologist this week! He's gone so I'm seeing someone else. I want to celebrate somehow and I think I will bring in a cake or some type of goodies to share with everyone. I might just make a couple of batches of cookies on Wednesday instead of a cake. I'll figure it out.

This summer has been hell for me. I've never felt like I have and I've been through a lot. Started out with chemo and saline fills for the tissue expander. The chemo made me sick, the saline fills were incredibly painful, stupid thing fails, money issues, and so much more. Now the chemo is done and I survived it and done ...okay. How do you celebrate this? I want to mark this day and make it special but don't know how.

I do know that I'm going to walk out of there ringing that bell loud and clear. I'm happy I made it, I'm glad that it's done, and pray that I don't have to do it again.

late Friday night

Thought I would update a little. The chemo is different this time around. They gave me the Gemzar faster and I don't know if that has anything to do with it or not. But I'm getting symptoms that I would normally get with my AC chemo. Slightly sick to my stomach constantly, and tired a lot but not able to sleep, and the weird slight heartburn and tongue sensations. But I also get constant pain in different areas of my body. I mean that I have pain in different areas of my body, but while it's never in the same place, pain is always somewhere in my body. Does that help?

Yesterday I had a headache type of pain. It would like "pulse" in a certain spot in my head every couple of minutes all day. Today, it was in my right leg. It started right at my hip socket area and would cross over the top of my knee and down the inside of my calf down to my ankle. This would pulse or hit me with pain every so often and even now it's doing it. Sometimes it really hurts and other times I barely notice it.

I have a strange skin sensation going on too. My skin is super sensitive to touch now. Jason was trying to help me out last night and rubbed my shoulders with some lotion. It felt like I was being pummeled and it hurt!!! He wasn't trying to hurt me, but my body is just bizarre now and even when my little girls hug me, it almost annoys me how much it bothers me. But I loved to be hugged!!! I love it when they do it, but the skin sensation thing hurts me too.

My emotions are all over the place. I revolve between anger, frustration, depression, and once in a while happiness. But that's rare. Mostly it's frustration and bad depression. The kind where you feel so rotten and worthless that you want to crawl in a hole and hide from the world. You figure no one will notice if you are gone so you might as well leave. I tried to do that this week for a while, but thank goodness a good friend called me out and asked me how I was doing. I miss her and I just saw her last weekend!

Do you ever wish you could do things that it seems like everyone else is capable of doing? I wish I could be the perfect mom, the perfect wife, keep a clean and tidy house, make wonderful meals that everyone likes, and do it with a smile on my face. I would honestly be happy if I could just do these simple things. Why am I unable to do any of it??? Why is it so freaking hard? I wish that was my talent. Make my crummy little apartment a home. I can't even do anything right. I feel terrible but don't have the plans or ideas on how to make it work. I barely remember my own name lately.

Yesterday I finally noticed something. I was calling my mom throughout the week just asking how she was doing. But I was asking the same things over and over like I've never heard the answer before. I totally panicked the other day because I bought a stupid roast chicken at the store with great intentions of what to do with it. I get home and stare at it and realized I had no recollection of what I wanted to do. I called my mom and almost started hyperventilating telling her about it. I was crying and just felt like a retard. It was like my mind had been erased of any sense. I was scared. So while I can remember things, I'm going to try and start writing them down. Then if I forget anything, I can refer to the list. How humiliating is that?

Back from my mini vacation

I had the chance to go visit my friend Tanya up in Washington this past weekend. My mil thought I was nuts for going somewhere the week of chemo, but I didn't start having problems until Sunday afternoon, so I did alright.

Friday after my shots for my blood levels, my parents took me to the train station and waited with me for the late train to show up. I got a business class seat on the way up and it was really worth it. I had a row to myself and it was quiet and peaceful. I even got a ticket for money off in the "bistro" and was able to get a drink for nothing. Very difficult to do my cross-stitch, but I enjoyed the trip nonetheless. I miss riding the train and plan to do it sometime soon again.

Tanya and O picked me up in Tacoma and I immediately felt terrible. Worst day of the week, worst time of day for traffic in Tacoma. But soon we were chatting like crazy and I didn't notice the traffic after a while. In fact, most of the weekend, we were talking and laughing and just being together and the time went so fast! When we got to her new home they had just bought, I was immediately in love. So perfect for her family. Just the right size. When I like a home, I can't help but start imagining how I would arrange my things. I hope I didn't drive her nuts with that. But it's just what Jason and I have always wanted. Yellow house, front porch area big enough for a chair, fenced back yard, area for swingset, area for a garden, big enough kitchen, and best of all, the fridge. She must think I'm insane! But I love her fridge. It had an icemaker and I constantly filled my glass with crushed ice and water all weekend. The water tasted great and much better than here in Portland.

We didn't do anything really wild, just got to be friends together and talk and laugh and just ...be. We've been friends for a long time and we didn't have to do anything really big to enjoy each other. I was being careful after chemo and we just spent time around the house. I think the worst part was trying to figure out where to eat for lunch on Saturday. Both of us couldn't make a decision and I know I wanted to make sure got to eat where she wanted so we almost went hungry trying to make sure the other person ate where they wanted because we could never decide what to eat. Geez, we're weird. lol

I had insisted on taking them out for dinner and was didn't get a real chance to do it because her dh made a wonderful pork roast dinner. I know he didn't know this, but one of my favorite dinners is pork roast, mashed potatoes and gravy, and veggies with homemade fruit sorbet. That's what we had!! He made it and didn't know how much it's one of my favorites. Then the man butters me up even more and makes a great Sunday breakfast with Tanya helping out on eggs. This Southern gentleman made biscuits and gravy, bacon, juice, and eggs. I was in shock, but very pleased. I didn't know Reid had it in him. The man's not perfect though. He's a very polite man with a southern drawl but can whip out the "F" word when you least expect it. rofl

I almost didn't want to come home. It's been a long time since I had such a big comfy bed to myself without a baby sneaking into it at night. The weather was cooler, lots of big green trees, and everything was very soothing. But I missed my babies, my dh, and my a/c. (Sorry Tanya) Glad to be back home now. I started getting the pains from my chemo on Sunday and I was hoping it wasn't too obvious but it was shooting up my legs and making me knees weak. I was so happy to sink into that train chair at the train station on the way home. Last night was so hard to sleep, but thank goodness for great pain meds and a rest today. A wonderful family in our ward had the girls today and I was able to take some really good pain meds that helped the pain go away. I'm feeling much better than before but still leery of the pain.

Thanks so much to Tanya and her family. I had a really great time in their home and even though we had a couple of "scuffles", I still love em! ;)