I'm home...and recovering

The conference trip was nothing like I expected it to be. Most of the classes were a waste of time. It was being with all my friends from the bulletin board that was the best part.

So Thursday evening, my mil drops dh and I off at the airport. We had two hours until our flight left for Denver. I was so nervous and excited all day that I didn't eat. So of course I'm starving and grab some pizza and drink a huge drink. Then we putzed around waiting to board our flight. I almost didn't know what to do with myself because I didn't have to worry about kids or anything and my dh was with me. We haven't done this in years. I couldn't read my ticket very well and although I thought I was putting dh directly behind me when I made his reservation, it turned out that he was two rows behind me in the middle. The ticket agent rearranged his seat so he was an aisle seat in the middle of the plane and fixed it so we were closer on the way home.

As soon as we get in the air, we start playing on our Nintendo DS systems. It was great fun. We IMed each other for about half the flight since we couldn't talk to each other. I've also forgotten the bad part of drinking huge drinks. You have to pee a lot. Thankfully I only had to get up once to pee. But I had to dislodge 2 other people to get up and since I'm not small, it was cumbersome.

The real fun began when we arrived in Denver. The only flight available on Frontier to get to Jacksonville went via Denver and we had a bare 20-25 minutes to catch our flight. I also had to pee sooooo bad! We got off and raced to the gate we needed to be at. We were at A53 and had to race to A39 or something. Thank goodness it was late at night and no one was in the airport. I thought I would pee my pants and stopped to relieve myself. By then Jason caught up with me and we ran the rest of the way to the gate. When I got there, they had already closed the door but since there were like 5-6 people show up, they opened it up and let us on. Thank goodness! I was huffing and puffing and coughing my brains out cause I couldn't catch my breath from running. A sweet lady that was in the aisle seat moved so that I could have entire row to myself to lay down. I think on that flight I slept maybe an hour or so at most.

We arrive in Jacksonville and it's just after 5am. We figured out the shuttle service after some confusion and made it to the hotel around 6am. I didn't realize how humid it is in Florida. Wowzers. We tried to check into the hotel early, but understandibly they didn't have our room ready yet since it was still occupied. So we parked ourselves on the couch in the lobby and stayed there for nearly 5 HOURS. Jason would check every so often to see if our room was ready but it wasn't. We got so little sleep that night. I honestly believe I ended up with maybe 2 hours of sleep or dozing off and on time.

Not my friend, please not my friend!!!

I can't do this again. I can't, I can't, I can't. I can't watch one more person I know and adore suffer through cancer treatment again. She will fail and I will fall a little deeper into this pit of which I can't get out of. She's already had it once, it's spread, she's my friend, my chemo buddy. I can't do this. My other friend died of this disease last year, I can't watch another one die. Not her. Please, not her. We sat together so many times in our recliners while that horrid Red Devil dripped into our veins. We sat in radiation with our scarred and red chests hidden behind flimsy hospital gowns trying to be brave. Laughing because the only other option is crying. Not her, please not her.

You don't understand this. How could you? You get support from other survivors but you are only as strong as they are. When one loses the battle or has a horrible setback, you feel it too. It's in your mind and all you can think of is, "Well, it hit her again, it will probably get me, it's just a matter of time." You lose your faith that this will go away and you can pretend it never existed in your life. But then this happens and you fall to pieces and you don't want to try as hard because you figure it's not going to work. I'm just sick about this. I can't cope with it now. How ironic that I'm going this week to a conference for breast cancer survivors. I don't feel like a survivor, I feel like I'm just barely hanging on by a thread and the thread is very frayed right now.

Less than a week until Jacksonville, Florida!!!

I'm soooooo looking forward to Thursday night. Jason and I leave on our trip to Jacksonville on the 8:30pm flight out of Portland on Fronter then. We fly to Denver, race to catch our flight to Jacksonville and then settle in for a long plane ride. We leave at 8:30pm from Portland and with the time difference, we arrive in Jacksonville at 5am the next morning. I have never flown overnight before, I hope I can sleep. We can't check into our room until after 1pm so it should be interesting. I think we'll end up crashing in the hotel lobby for awhile. Silly me volunteered to work registration from noon until 4pm that day. They wanted me to also work registration from 7am to 10am the next morning. Since that would actually be 4am to 7am in my Pacific time zone mind, I politely turned them down. I'm looking foward to being sans children for a few days with my husband. We haven't been away together without kids since before children were even thought of. So easily it's been 7 years since we had a vacation together.

Why are we flying to Jacksonville, Florida? This year's breast cancer conference for young survivors is in Jacksonville. It's being sponsored by the Susan G Komen foundation, the LBBC(Living Beyond Breast Cancer), and the YSC(Young Survival Coalition). I am a member of the YSC and hang out at the bulletin board they have there for young survivors. It's quite humbling to be around so many awesome incredible women. Last year we had a group picture with about 35 women. This year we plan to have a picture of our little group that will have 70+ women in it. I'm having my husband take pictures.

There were so many classes or workshops to choose from. Nothing offered for the first session really interested me, so I think Jason and I will nap during that time period. I'll find all my friends and hang out with them that night. Saturday Jason and I both signed up for different classes and I'm looking forward to those classes. Things I want to know about and learn. Saturday night there is a nice dinner and dancing. The final class is on Sunday morning before the conference ends. We can't leave until Monday morning, so we have the rest of the day to play before going home. I want to go have one nice dinner there with Jason and I get a few souvenirs for the girls and then hit the sack. Maybe have a time together with a few close friends from the bb.

We leave Monday morning at 6am and arrive back in Portland around 10am. I started thinking about this. 6am flight means being at the airport by 4am. Which means leaving for the airport around 3:30am at the latest. Which means waking up by 2:30am to be completely ready and packed and find a shuttle that will take us there. Oh holy heck that's early!!!

I want to go stick my head in the sand

Ever feel like doing that?

There is so much heartache going on. I have a friend on my breast cancer board that is in the hospital for 21 days while undergoing chemo for chemo induced leukemia from breast cancer. Too many more friends have had mets diagnosises. A girl I had taught in Sunday School was pregnant and gave birth to a stillborn baby. A friend on my MOFia board is 16 weeks pregnant and found out the baby died 2 weeks ago. Another found out that her child died in utero and is presently in the hospital being induced to deliver a child that died not too long ago. Another friend's husband lost his job, another friend is waiting to have her 2 month old have surgery, another found out the surgery her 5 year old had in September failed miserably and will have to have another one, etc. A lady in my ward with breast cancer isn't doing so well. I've lost my job with no prospects of one, etc. It's just neverending. It literally hurts my heart to hear all of this. I want to take it all in and make it better but I can't. Saying "I'm sorry" seems so pathetic and not enough. I want to help but there is just so little you can do.

I have trouble distancing myself from all of the heartache. I internalize it and add it to my own situations and have trouble sleeping with it all. I don't know how to sympathize and comfort without making me feel guilty for not "fixing" the problem. That's what I want to do, is to fix it all but I can't. So right now, sticking my head in the sand is sounding really nice. Ignoring all the problems and situations that are everywhere I look. Anyway I say it or write it, makes it sound wrong and really selfish. I don't mean it to be but I'm not good with words and don't know how to express it the right way.

Ever have those days when you just lose it?

I'm having one of those. Most of the time I have it together, but every now and then, those anxiety/depression pills don't work and I feel like everything is hitting me all at once. I've convinced myself that we will be fine and in theory, that's great. But actually doing it is another. I have no job, few prospects of one, we are majorly in debt, no money, have to ask family for help, putting off surgeries, might have to move, etc. I regret so many things in my life, #1 being getting my education. I should have kept plugging away at college even though I had no clue what I wanted to do. Anything is better than nothing.

I'm a lousy wife, mother, housekeeper, etc. It's very hard to find anything I'm good at. Wait, I'm GREAT at whining. I'm off to drown my sorrows in a Diet Pepsi my dad brought me yesterday. Life just sucks right now.

Till we meet again

President Gordon B Hinckley died last Sunday evening and his funeral was today. He was a spiritual giant of a man and I'm crushed that he's gone. I miss him terribly while I am so happy for him that he is back with his wife Marjorie and meeting the other incredible men that have come before him as prophets. Each prophet that comes along is special and I suppose it is the mantle of his calling that makes me love each one as much as I do. President Kimball was the first one for me and has a very special place in my heart. I'm sorry and ashamed almost to say that although I adore and loved President Hunter and Presidnt Benson, it's not near the love I felt for President Kimball. Then President Hinckley came along and it was like sharing a grandpa with over 13 million members of the church. He looked and had the countenance of a grandpa and I think that's a part of the reason so many people loved him. The youth loved him and I know he loved them.

He is special to me because so many significant things happened for me with him in office. I was able to see the Nauvoo temple dedication, he was speaking after September 11th, he spoke with news that there was bombing in Afghanistan, and various other events in my time. He was my convert husband's first prophet and my little girls's first prophet. He was a shining star and wonderfully kind man to the millions that looked up to him and adored him.

I will miss him tremendously. He will always have a special place in my heart, just for him. I can't wait for the day when I can visit with him and receive a hug from him.

God be with you till we meet again President Hinckley. I love you!