Ever have those days where you aren't sick but feel emotionally sick? My friend on my breast cancer support board calls it calling in ugly. I'm whining big time here so if that's not your thing or you're rolling your eyes, just bypass this post.
I think it comes when I'm pmsing. I get really low moods and my "ugliness" comes out. I notice all the bad stuff. I went to two doctors this week and didn't know till I stepped on the scale that I have gained so much weight. I know I haven't eaten well, but that number jumping out at me on the scale really took me back. My fat jello arms are bugging me, chemo brain has made me forget, space out, or otherwise become a permanent blond like the kind that everyone makes jokes about. I'm terrified of getting lymphadema so I haven't done much exercising with my arms. I get tired quickly, and I know how I look with tri colored hair, braces, plain face, and extremely low self esteem. I was mistaken yet again for a man this week at Walmart by an older man. Nothing like that to make you feel like garbage.
So I'm off to drown my sorrows in some chocolate or Pepsi or something equally bad for me. Then the cycle starts all over again.
You know how your mom always tells her kids they are beautiful? Well, mine did. I believed it too till I grew up and knew better. I know I'm not worldly pretty at all. I'm plain. I have thick glasses, braces on my teeth at 34, I'm chubby, ugly short colored hair, etc. I was mistaken for a man just this week and it's not been the first time. I know I'm not pretty and now my mom can't keep telling me that and have me believe it anymore. I'm old enough to know better and it totally and completely sucks. I'm a size 18/20 and in my mind's eye I still see me as a size 12. So it's a complete and utter shock to see pictures of myself looking like the fat cow that I am. It makes me depressed all over again.
Drives me nuts when pretty girls sit there and say they are ugly and wish they could change things. Do you know how hard it is to sit there and not say anything? Dang it!!!! I would love to be pretty for one day. To have the face that men want to stare at, the beautiful smile, reasonable body, etc. Just for one day!!!!
I'd like to try and join a CSA program or community supported agriculture program. The foods are oreganic, home grown, and you get deliveries every week during the spring through the fall. They have various fruits, veggies, herbs, and other goodies up for grabs. If I could get what I wanted, I would go for a whole share and get a big nice box of fresh goodies every week from the farm. I'd have a chance to get berries to make jam, veggies and salad greens for salads, and other fun stuff. Our family doesn't eat very well and I thought by joining this program that it would help improve how we eat. But it's late that I'm getting interested and it costs a whole bunch to join. I'm trying to get a food share scholarship but that's been really hard to nail down. I have calls and emails out to several farms, but so far I've only heard back from one. My doctors all say I need to eat better and what can be better than farm fresh organic fruits and vegetables? I just wish what I really needed didn't cost so much.
