Who am I anymore?

Do you ever feel satisfied? Do you ever feel good enough? I feel restless and unsettled. I don't feel complete. I don't feel like I'm a whole person. I don't know if it's the cancer thing or what it is. I don't want my whole life forever to revolve around cancer. But is that how everyone sees me? Oh yeah, she's the girl that got breast cancer. Am I known for anything else? I feel like I'm walking in a fog and I see glimpes of the life I want, but it's just out of reach or the fog closes it up after a little while. I'm not sure I know how to be happy anymore. No, it's not a depression thing, I think it goes beyond that. How do I explain this so that it makes sense? I feel at times like a block of wood that hasn't been shaped yet. I know I will be something incredible, but that I have to be carved first. It's like I don't have the tools to do it yet. I don't know how to get the tools or the skill to carve, but it's there! I want to become the me I want to be, but I don't know how to get there.

Feeling sick

I'm feeling cruddy today. Lots of aches and pains on my physical body. The mental cruddiness is there too. It's icky and rainy outside and I still have to go run my errands. I'm not sure what it would take to feel altogether again. It's been so long since I felt like a whole person, that I'm not sure what it feels like anymore.

We are staying in Portland, no Tuscon

I'm heartbroken, sad, and a teensy bit relieved. But I won't let myself feel that for awhile. I'm mostly sad and really really down. Jason wanted this so bad. We looked up apartments, found people to talk to that lived there that could tell me good doctors, tried to figure out moving costs, etc. We wanted this so badly because we would be a little more financially secure. No more wondering how the hell we would pay rent or afford to buy clothes for the girls for school. Jason wanted so much to be able to provide for his family as the head of the house. He was really counting on this. I'm upset that they didn't want him. They are missing out, he's wonderful and the hardest most loyal worker they'll ever meet.

But the teeny tiny part of me way in the back is so relieved not to have to deal with the hot weather. My hot flashes are still happening with the slightest bit of heat and I'd tried to keep it out of my head how it would be done there in the extreme heat. I would gladly go if they change their minds, but it doesn't look like it's meant to be.

No news from Tuscon- added news update on friend with bc

I had another attack yesterday before church. Jason wasn't around, my mom was at church, and I couldn't find anyone to talk me down from it. It wasn't too bad. Then dh gets home from his meetings and tells me that Frances Young died. She was an older lady in my ward that had breast cancer. She would take a special interest in me and always was aware of me in the ward. When I had my problems this year, she brought me over a card and a special soft robe. It was a bit small, but the fact that she was watching over me made me cry. So anyways, Jason tells me she died, (mets from breast cancer, it spread to her brain) and my attack is back. I bawl and bawl. By this time we are at church and it's Sacrament meeting. So I sit in the back row with the rough paper towels from the bathroom and tears are rolling down my face. It really sucked. I had walked in the Race this year and Frances was on my shirt in the In Celebration of side. Now it needs to be switched to the In Memory of.

I'm having troubles. I used to love to cook. I adore doing soups, baking things, trying new recipes. I would scour Taste of Home magazines looking for new things to try out. But I feel nothing now. I look at my home and I don't care. I don't care what we eat, I don't care what I wear, I don't care if I cook, I don't care. I get emotion from time to time, but everything around me just feels like nothingness. I simply don't care anymore. I want to care, but it seems way to hard to get to where I need to to put forth effort.

Edited to add- I went to my breast cancer board to check things out. Turns out another friend has died. Her name was Nika and she had me for a gift exchange last Christmas. She was so thoughtful and kind. Not loud or flashy, but a sweet kind presence. I'll miss her a lot.

That makes two just this week. (sigh)

The attacks are back

I'm struggling again. I thought the anxiety attacks would end, but they haven't. I had one last night that lasted about 20 minutes as I was getting ready for bed. I was good all day and my mood was level and no problems. But when it started, I started to get scared and anxious, my heart started racing, and I had to try and slow my breathing down and stop myself from crying. I didn't do a very good job. I think this is the first time in a while that dh as seen one of my attacks and I don't think he understands them.

Dh has been applying for different positions within his company. He's tried Billings, Des Moines, Minneapolis, Denver, and Tuscon. The job in Tuscon looks serious and the next step would be a face to face interview. We are just waiting to hear if they want to do that now. They've made the job perks seem great and I've been searching for apartments in Tuscon for a while now. I'm trying to make peace with the fact that it's the last place on earth I want to move to and I'm slowly getting excited for it if we do move down there.

I've been without a job for so long, I'm stressed to death about finances and I've been through so many doctor visits in the past month. I'm struggling so much to be a decent wife and mother and I'm failing. I'm not succeeding at anything it seems. I have no desire to cook even though I love to cook again in the fall. Nothing really excites me because we have no money to make even the simplest things happen. Life shouldn't revolve around money and it doesn't. But even to fill the gas tank takes a load of money. I'm having a hard time being happy.

update

I haven't blogged in so long. I had 6 appointments last month and made it through all of them with flying colors. I had a bone density scan, dentist, return dentist visit, radiation oncologist, and medical oncologist. The bone density scan was quick and painless. All you do is lay flat on a table while a C shaped machine moves over you as needed. At one point, a big square block is put under your knees with your legs resting on top of it. You need to be a certain angle so they can check your hips and spine and this helps it. I didn't get the results, but I assume if there is something bad on there, my oncologist will let me know. They said it wasn't like having a mammogram where you need to know right away. Instead she said it was like a "quality of life" issue. They test my bones as I'm starting a new medication and starting menopause. After a year or so, they'll test me and see if my bones have started to change due to the two new factors in my life.
I went to my medical oncologist and he wanted to see how I was doing on my new cancer meds, Arimidex. I seem to be handling it okay, but he wants to see me in 4 months instead of the usual 6 months.

I saw my radiation oncologist and let him know about the anxiety/panic attacks I was getting during August. I wish I had something that would help calm me down. He was able to give me a prescription for Ativan. I was so grateful and I've only done it a couple of times but I can tell a difference and it's great. He said other than that, I'm doing well enough that I don't have to go back to see him until my mammogram next SEPTEMBER!!! Yay!!! One doctor down. It was scary and wonderful at the same time.