The human touch

I've forgotten the rule of thumb when visiting family out in Canby. It is proven impossible to stay for 20 minutes. We arrived and planned to just drop in and say hi. Over THREE hours later with Lindsey screaming her head off, we escaped! We were hankering for some artichoke jalepeno dip and yes, we were going to break the Sabbath and buy some and we can only get it out in Canby. So we thought we would stop by and visit Jason's aunt. Sweetest lady in the world but totally impossible to get a word in edgewise.

She's a wonderful lady otherwise it would be just terrible being out there. She loves to show us everything in her colorful home from the paintings she's in the middle of to the hair shop she owns and tries to shove old shampoos and discontinued hair products on us. We've been married 8 years and have never had to buy shampoo since we get stocked up on her. Chloe follows her around like a little puppy doing whatever she tells her to. Chloe has learned to just knod her head and agree with whatever she tells her. She barks orders at you or tells you how to do stuff and Chloe just knods her head and does what she's told. So funny to see it!

Anyways, it was nice to go out there. Jason's aunt loves to talk and she loves to do what she can. So she gives Jason and I a quick trim and washes our hair. I don't just mean a quick wash and you're done. She massages your head and scalp and uses like 3 different shampoos on you and makes it an experience. I thought of her when I was getting out of the hospital. I wanted her to wash my hair for me and make me feel human again. So for her to do that today was just heaven. She said she knew what I meant when I said it felt good to have someone care and just do something simple like wash my hair. She said it was the human touch. It really is that simple.

When I was in the hospital and felt so crummy, I had a nurse wash my hair. It was with a showercap and I only had to sit forward and she washed it and combed it out and smelled so fresh when she was done. That was the best thing in the world. All she did was wash my hair! But I remember the nurse's name and exactly what she did. But it was the human contact and it felt wonderful.

It's not funny! My family is really mean

I go to bed every night and have to situate myself so that I don't get smacked by a elbow, my arm is elevated, and I'm not in any pain. My body pillow is put in the right spot, etc. So in the morning, I'm feeling pretty good but usually need help getting up because straining up against my chest after not moving all night is really hard.

So I wake up this morning and Chloe crawls in on my right side to cuddle with me. She talks with me and holds onto my arm. Fine and dandy. I tried to sidle over so she had room. Then comes my husband who gets in on my left side. I still can't move too easily. Then Lindsey has to come and cuddle so she won't be left out. So I move fractionally over again to the right to make room for her since I somehow ended up in the middle of the bed.

There's a problem now. Lindsey is laying on my hair, Jason is teaching her to honk my nose and open my eyes and generally pick on me. Then Chloe starts up on the other side. I can't defend myself because I'm so stiff and flat on my back. I have to go to the bathroom and these guys are picking on me, honking my nose, ripping open my eyes to see my eyeballs, and all I can do is lay there and take it. Jason is giggling like crazy so I know he's loving it. So after they're done making fun of me, I have to ask THEM to help me get up so I can make it to the bathroom before I embarrass myself. So I'm laying in the middle of the bed and can't get up! I'm trying not to laugh because that hurts, Jason is laughing at me, I feel like a beached whale and I'm about to pee my pants.

My family sucks.

I saw Dr. Killway today and he took out one of my drains! Yeah for me. He warned me it might be uncomfortable when it came out. I was so numb in that area that I couldn't feel it at all. Plus I was still in pain from the saline fill from yesterday. So nothing minor like a drain being removed would bother me. I was still in a lot of pain this morning, but since I had the girls I wasn't going to do something I shouldn't. I took tylenol and that's it. If Jason was home, I would have had something stronger but I didn't want to risk anything happening and not being in control.

I have great friends. I got so many wonderful things today. My VT brought over a card and a plate of cookies, I got two cards from friends, and a package in the mail from another. She gave me socks with the pink ribbon on it. I hadn't thought of it, but like she said, I'm a breast cancer survivor now. Kind of shook me up. I'm making it now and I'm surviving this thing. No matter how scared I am, or what comes, I know I'm going to survive this. Not once have my thoughts gone to what happens when I die, because I know I won't die from this. It's very impowering and on today of all days, I really needed her strong letter and words of comfort.

Since I couldn't drive well without pain this morning, Mom and Dad came over and took care of me. Mom watched the girls and Dad took me back to Vancouver to the doctor's office. I was also able to drop off my broken glasses and get groceries at the same time and it felt great! Even though I looked like a dork walking around hunched over and slow and my arm held to protect my body on the right side.

It's almost midnight and thanks to some happy pills, I don't feel a bit of pain. This time last night I was crying it hurt so bad. I couldn't take a breath, sneeze, turn, lean over or anything without extreme pain. Now it's back to the normal healing slight pain I feel and I'm so grateful for that. It really does take about 24 hours to recover from that saline fill. I'm just amazed at how intensely painful that was. It's horrid.

I'm going to pick up Jason tomorrow and he's going to take me to Vancouver and I'm going to go stamping. Every month I do this and it's fun. I make 10 cards stamping with my friends and just chatting and being laid back. I really need this now. Just to feel a little normal. I'm really excited because afterwards we are having my inlaws over and will play cards til late. I love doing that too. I'm just surprised that they like to do it too.

Owie, owie, owie!!!!!!

OH MY GOSH!!!!

I was in so much pain today that I could barely breathe. A hiccup or sneeze made me want to scream in pain. If I didn't have my muscle relaxers or percocet, I would probably want to shoot myself. I went and saw Dr Gray today and she changed my steri strips and gave me another fill up of saline. I was expecting pain, but today it seemed so much worse than before. I took some meds before I got there, so I was slightly dizzy but it didn't numb any pain. I was struggling to walk afterwards and had to walk so slow! I got out to the waiting room walking extremely gingerly and met up with my mom. We walked outside and I was in so much pain that I couldn't get my keys out of my pocket. (I had driven there, Mom met me and was going to drive me to her house if I couldn't drive myself.) I got to the car and lowered myself in and nearly screamed in pain. I know I let out a big cry that's for sure. My mom had to put my seatbelt on, so embarrassing. I felt every pothole, every bump, every little thing in the road. But Mom took the best smoothest route so I'm glad that it was as painless as possible.

I got to her home and was immediately in trouble. I couldn't get out of the car without help! Thank goodness my dad was there and was a rock literally for me to lean on to get out. Then my little brother was so nice to me inside when I started to lose it. Gave me a hug and everything which made me cry even more. But he and I sat and watched wrestling matches of all things! It was nice to catch up with him and just enjoy some down time being coddled at my mom's home. It felt good to be taken care of. I tried to lay down but could never get comfortable and was constantly in pain. But I did get to cuddle with the kitties and especially Wiley. He would purr and meow at me and would have gotten under the covers if I had let him. He lay in my arms like my babies would when they were little and was such a wonderful comfort. Just that nice warm weight against my legs or stomach was great. I miss cats so much! They always seem to know when you are in pain or upset and just turn on the purring and love when you need it.

I got home and the pain was bad again. It's finally settling down to manageable and I'm going to try and sleep in the recliner. There's no way I'll be able to lay down.

I feel so bad. My inlaws have so much going on and they took the girls without question all day long until after dinner. My mom accompanied me today and took care of me without a problem. Jason has to do so much when he gets home. I hate being like this and having people do so much for me. It's incredibly hard to just sit down and be served. I'm starting to feel sick so I'm going to stop. Wish me luck that I sleep tonight, I'm going to need it.

Quick update

I found out today that my appointment with the oncologist has been moved up from May 16th to next Tuesday, May 2nd. I guess I called the scheduler and the doctor emailed her at the same time trying to meet up with each other. So I'm glad to get things started sooner. I really don't think treatment will start that week, even if it did, I would refuse to do anything til the following week since John's wedding is May 5th. Nothing's going to interrupt me getting to my baby brother's wedding!!!

Today went really well. I was surprised. The hardest thing was getting Lindsey in and out of the cart at Target. Everything else was fine. She threw a couple of fits and tried to kick me today, but I got her to stop and she screamed for Daddy She really missed him today. She got up in the morning asking for him and everytime we passed on the freeway and she could see downtown, she would point out his building and make sure everyone knew where Daddy worked. Such a Daddys' girl.

It was good to get back into our little daily routine. Chloe struggled this morning to go to preschool but managed to make it there on time. Lindsey and I made it to Target for a couple of things and then came home for some PBS time. I splurged and got the girls lunch at BK. After it was over, I hauled Lindsey into her freshly made bed and we sang together and she went right to bed and didn't make much of a squawk when I left the room. She slept for a good two hours and I was really proud of her! The girls played outside this afternoon and I got some good pictures of the two of them. The black and white photo from the earlier post I made today is going to be enlarged and we'll hang it in the living room. I was really proud of those pictures. The ones I did of Chloe are my favorites though. It's very satisfying to get that look I've been wanting to get out of her and catch her smile and spirit the way I want.

So I took it easy today and tried not to do too much. I have to admit though. It felt DANG good to be cooking again. Not that I don't adore someone else cooking for me, but I love to cook no matter how good the food turns out. lol I made some cheesy noodles, corn, and chicken parmesan which is my new favorite easy dish.

I know I was worried about today but I'm grateful that things went so well. I got some sweet cards in the mail and a wonderful lady from my ward came by to make sure I was okay. I was so touched! If we hadn't of had to go pick up Chloe from school, I almost would have asked her to wash my few dishes and maybe vacuum. But I really am okay and I want to wait to ask for help til I feel like I can't do something. Again no meds today, but tonight I'm starting to float a bit. I had a rough night last night and I wanted to prepare in case it was the same again.

I'm sleeping without my compression bandage wrapped around me. It gave me so much pain the night before that I tried it without it and I sleep much better! So dh wrapped me up this morning and I did fine throughout the day. Now I have it off and it feels great. I also found that if I hug my Froggie, I can get comfie on my side instead of always just being on my back.

My babies

I have to include some pictures I took today outside. It's so beautiful to me that I have to share them with everyone. So please indulge me!!

I made it through church

Does it ever feel like you are the center of attention wherever you go? I know it feels that way when you are pregnant and due soon. I went to church today after changing my outfit at least 7-8 times trying to find something that doesn't put a target on my chest announcing that I lost a boob or a shirt that is camoflaging it either. Make sense? I ended up with a black tshirt and nice skirt (that covered my lovely fanny pack with drains) so I think I compromised all things considered. Now that dressing was done with, I had to actually...go...to church. The bishop had asked me earlier in the week to kind of explain written down what was going on with me. He was going to ask the ward to do a special fast for me on Fast Sunday. I felt truly humbled and embarrassed and squirmy all at the same time. I don't like being in the spotlight and it was hard to describe everything that was happening. I did my best and it went well. I was really worried he was going to ask me to come on down and stand up there with him but he didn't. He gave a quick recap of what I had written to him and I tried not to bawl the whole time he was talking. I did notice that every eye in the place turned and stared at me though. I think our bishop is great, I really do appreciate and love all that he has done for me and my family. Still felt squirmy though sitting there having the ward focus on me. I'll have to get back at him somehow. hee, hee, hee!!!

Church went well all things considered. Chloe had a really rough time getting ready and dragged her heels leaving for church. I let her take my Froggie with her to comfort her and that helped. It actually came in handy later because those seats in church aren't padded and it was hard to sit there and not rest my arm on something. So Froggie sat tucked under my right arm and supported it during SS and RS. I did admit to him being mine and not the girls's. Not willingly though.

I'm really nervouse about tomorrow. Nothing too terribly exciting is going on. But Jason is leaving me and I will be back in charge of the girls and the apartments tomorrow. Jason is looking forward to being back at work and I'm missing him terribly. He's already got his mind in work mode and becoming a bit distant with me. After being home with the girls this long, I'd be so anxious to get back too. Hurts my feelings though. I've leaned on him so much for support and love and just general being taken care of and that will be gone. I'm scared of getting bumped or hurt or not being able to accomplish a task that I need to.

It's like the feeling I got after I had Chloe. She was a brand new baby, I was recovering from a csection and dh was going back to work and leaving me alone with her. I didn't know what to do with her and I was scared of doing the wrong thing or the right thing or anything! It's how I feel now almost exactly. Like I'm scared of being alone and in charge.

I have lots of people asking me what they can do for me and right now it's nothing. I am feeling better every day and the only thing I crave is being able to take a nap. How do you ask someone to come over and watch the girls so I can sleep? There's no reason for it whatsoever. But I just long to sleep and not feel guilty or self conscious or bad because of it. I feel that way now and it's hard to get out of that mindset. I just had surgery on the 13th, I should be taking it easy! But your mind doesn't always see that. Resting seems lazy to me or not taking on the responsibilities that I should be.

So anyways, long story short. Church was good but uncomfortable, I was able to hand out all my thank you notes, and I'm scared for the coming week. I wish I had something to look forward to this week other than doctor visits. Isn't that sad?

A breath of fresh air today

What a gorgeous day it was today! Too bad it was chilly with the wind blowing though. The sun was bright and everything was blooming.

I went to Vancouver to see Dr. Gray today for possibly taking out one of the drains that I still have a week after surgery. They are both draining too much to stop, so they stay in. Maybe next week on Thursday when I see her again. It's more annoying than anything since they don't hurt at all. Then she wrapped me up like a sausage in my little compression bandage and off we went. My inlaws were kind enough to watch the girls and agreed to watch them longer so Jason and I could go out.

It was so nice just the two of us. We ate at Applebees and then since it was too cold for minerature golf, we went to the mall. I have a gc at Lane Bryant and found a really nice skirt for John's wedding that I could wear. I bought a sweater shrug that I wasn't really thinking about and will probably return. Shrugs are better for people with boobs and since one is missing, it looks really funky. I also bought a pair of jeans at the mall with another gc and still have money left over. Jason bought himself a nice shirt at M&F so it was great all around. We had to go to two different malls to get everything, but it was still nice. I indulged and got a Jamba Juice and was a happy camper. I could suck down one of those things every day and never get tired of them. lol

Dumb thing we did was that we walked the length of both malls top and bottom. That's the most walking I've done since surgery. The best part of the whole day was that I haven't needed any pain meds at all! I'm really tired now and can't wait for bed. But another thing I did was took off my bandages and put on the camisole that the breast center gave to me in the hospital. They were great! The breast center brought someone over from the ACS, and they gave me a great soft comfie camisole made for post mastecomy patients. It came with two cotton falsie thingies that I could stuff in the bra area to make up for lack of boobness. I tried it out and there is velcro that attaches the falsie to the bra so that it stays in place. Looks semi normal at least for me.

It still makes me nervous to not have my bandages on and I'm afraid that I will be bumped or hurt or something and it will cause damage. Really nervous about church tomorrow too. Are people going to treat me different or look at me weird since they will know what's going on? That I have only one breast and that I have cancer now? Quite a few people are asking me what can they do for me. Honestly, I love getting cards in the mail. It's cheered me up tremendously and I have something to look forward to in the mornings. But how do you tell people that? It sounds so selfish. Send me something!!! I crave getting mail!!!!

Okay, off to the looney bin now. lol

Went and got my pathology results

I went and saw my surgeon today. He gave me the results from my lymph node dissection. Out of the 9 lymph nodes they saw, only one is cancerous. But that means they want to treat it aggresively which means most definitely chemo and probably radiation. I will have lots of different tests, cat scan, blood test, chest xrays, etc. The oncologist will try to work me in before May 16th which is his first available appointment.

I'm so unbelieveably angry right now. So beyond furious it's not even funny. I don't know what to say without wanting to get nasty and surly with everyone I come in contact with. So all this pain I went through yesterday will possibly be for nothing because if I do chemo that will push back all the tissue expander stuff, etc. I want to scream and hit so bad right now.

One week after surgery

I am physically in more pain right now than I have been all week. Part from shock and the other part just pure pain. Emotionally, I'm completely out of reserves. I weep at every phone call and cry buckets just thinking of how much pain I'm in.

Today we went to the reconstructive surgeon, Dr. Cynthia Gray. Jason had told me she would be putting saline into the tissue expander. I didn't really catch this til last night or today. She never told me this is why she was seeing me this week when we talked in the hospital. I thought she was just going to do a check up on me and see how the wounds were healing.

She checked everything out, the wounds, the drains, everything. It all looked great. Then she tells me it's time to put the saline in. So she marks on my newly deformed chest where she needs to do it. I don't feel a thing with her and her marking pen. She feels around for where she needs to put the needle. That felt like a lot of pressure. I didn't feel the needle go in til it hit the muscle. Then it was quick and then she lets the saline in with a gigantic syringe thingy.

Imagine being a bare week out of surgery. You hurt all the time though you know it's healing. With this tender flesh healing, someone sticks you and shoots saline into your tissue expander that's in your deformed breast and pumps it up with like 125cc of saline. Your boob looks even more deformed, it hurts like hell from the pressure, and the doctor says this will be a weekly routine til it's the size we want it. Right now I don't care if I'm flat as a board, I don't want to EVER go through that again. I told her before we started, please don't hurt me. She hurt me and hurt me badly. Mostly because I was shocked and didn't know it would feel like that and plus I wasn't really expecting it. So it took me by surprise and I was just shot.

I'm bawling every time someone calls to talk to me. I called my mom when I woke up from my drug-induced nap just to say, "Mommy, I'm hurting!!!" and I bawled. I bawled when the RS councelor asked how I was, when my sister called to say hi, etc. I couldn't even talk to my older brother on the phone because I had just finished my appointment and was still in pain and shock and was afraid I'd lose it on the phone. I was still fighting for control then and couldn't deal with talking to him. I hope he's not upset.

People say I'm being brave and strong and courageous. No, I'm not. I'm so scared and crying and mad and upset and wimpy. I want my mommy to make this better. I want to scream and hit and yell til I'm hoarse and hurt something til I don't hurt anymore. I'm definitely not a strong person at all. I'm crying because my best friend goes back to work on Monday and I'm going to miss him like crazy. I'm not brave at all. I want someone to be with me all the time because I'm so scared of doing anything by myself. Yet I want to be alone because I feel so ugly and tired and want to sleep. I don't understand myself anymore. I thought I did. But this whole experience has changed me upside down.

There have been great things happening and I have to focus on that. My inlaws have stepped up to the plate and been wonderful. They let their church know what's going on and people from their congregation that have no clue who I am, send me cards in the mail! My mil's birthday group all signed a card and sent it to me. Our names were in their bulletin. I love looking in the mailbox and that's selfish, but it's the best part of my day to see that someone was thinking of me. All my cards are up on the cupboards in my kitchen so I can see them all the time. Such a little thing, but you have no idea how important and helpful it is to know that you are cared about.

I'm just a mess tonight. I'm on several boards but can't seem to comment on anything other than my own problems. I read a lot but I'm so far gone that I can't see anything but me and situation. So sorry to those that I've ignored. I've read but not commented. For that matter, I'm shocked by anyone who reads this. I do this for my own benefit so I don't talk too much to my friends and family and bore them or lean too hard on them. I'm not good on the phone, so writing things out are better for me. So thank you to everyone who has been supporting me and listening to me so far. I feel so all alone and lost and wimpy and crying and to know people think good things for me is heartening and great. I just can't see it just this very second, I'm hurting so bad emotionally.

Semi normal day

I really overdid it today. But it felt so good that I didn't really mind.

My mom came over and washed my hair again. I love having clean hair. I washed my face and put make up on and felt great. I was tired of being in the house, so we went for a ride to the mall. I don't have a lot of button up short sleeve shirts so since I had a gc for Lane Bryant, we went shopping. I went slow and didn't do too much where I would get tired. Jason and the girls went to the toys so the girls could play and I went to LB. I searched the whole store over and only found one shirt that I liked. I tried it on and the material was really stiff and not very comfortable. I was disappointed and left without anything. I didn't realize before how important the feel of the material is. I think it's because I'm supersensitive to anything touching my chest right now.

So I'm starting to lose my steam as we head to Old Navy. They have really nice 3/4 length sleeve button ups for only $10. Jason had surprised me with a lavendar one and wanted to see if there was anything else I liked. I found a coral and white one and was able to get both. I'm excited to see how they look.

I was really exhausted when we got home and starting to hurt. So I took some pain meds and was able to be tucked in for a nice long nap. It was sooooo nice to be able to just lay down and sleep. I woke up once but didn't actually get out of bed til the people came around 5:30 to bring us dinner. It was a good 3 hour nap and I feel so much better for it. I'm really going to miss that next week and hope that I can snag a few more naps in before Jason goes back to work. I'm really going to miss him. I love having him around!

So tomorrow I go see Dr. Gray who did the reconstruction and put in a tissue expander. I'm not sure what will happen with that appointment. I'm a little worried. Friday I see Dr. Killway who is my surgeon and will have the pathology reports back on the lymph nodes he found and did a dissection on. So think good thoughts on the next two days for me!!!

Random thoughts and whines

I got home from the hospital and I rode all the way from Vancouver with my new favorite stuffed animal. I bought a mushy squishy stuffed chenille frog at Walmart for like $14. Best money I spent last week. I cushioned that under my seatbelt where it crossed my boobs and it was just perfect. There's a story about my Froggie.

I needed a comfort item in the hospital because I knew dh and my girls wouldn't be there in the night and I was honestly scared of everything going on. So my mom and I were shopping at Walmart and found this bin of stuffed soft animals. I had seen it before but had trouble finding it again. But anyways, I zeroed in on the green frog and left the flourescent pink poodle and yellow nasty animal behind. It was perfect without being too froo froo and embarrassing.

So I wake up from surgery and my hand is touching something really soft. I couldn't get a grip and it startled me awake. I managed to pick it up and realized Froggie was there. So I went back to sleep and all was good. When I was awake the next day, I was chatting with my new nurse Kelly. She had seen the picture of the girls and commented on how nice it was that they parted with their sweet stuffed frog for Mommy in the hospital. She asked who gave it up, and I had to mutter, "it's mine!" before Jason embarrassed me by laughing his head off. He did anyways and so did the nurse.

It's been okay at home. Still struggling with knowing my limits and what's okay to do and let people do for me. I just get this image or thought in my mind that I should do all these things because it's expected of me. It's so incredibly hard to let go and let someone else do things. To take a nap and not feel guilty. I feel bad that Jason is being stuck with the girls and so I may not sleep as long so I can stay up or I help out with them when he is struggling or answer an apartment question or whatever comes up. I know in one part that it's okay to rest and relax, but it's another thing entirely to DO IT.

Mom has so much on her plate. She is busy with John's wedding, with Nanny helping her out, with Shannon and her needs, and everyone else. So I wanted to spare her and only "use" her when I needed it. In doing so, I think I really hurt her. I didn't mean to, I just knew she had lots going on. I need to see from her angle that I'm her little girl and when your child is sick, you as a mother want to take over and make things better. I know that I would for my girls. So in a way, I think she needs to be needed and I wasn't doing that for her. So she did a wonderful thing. She brought an awesome meal over on Saturday and just yesterday, she came over and washed my hair!! I was able to lean over the sink and she washed and combed out my hair. A simple task, but I felt a 1000 times better when it was over. I have to let my Mommy be a mommy and be a kid and just be loved without feeling like I have to reciprocate. It was the best feeling to have this done for me. I thought I was being selfish by wanting it but in a way, it really wasn't. Did I say I love my Mommy? She is always willing to come to my doctor visits and drives from Vancouver and would just bring me a Pepsi if I needed it. I love her to death!!!!

Today wasn't an easy day. I was contacted by the American Cancer Society, ACS for their Reach to Recovery program. They set you up with someone who has gone through nearly the same experience you have and is done with treatment and is a mentor for you. They are struggling to find someone who has the same age as me and the same treatment though. That hit me hard today. All the emotional stuff. I just cried and was a wuss today. I wanted to just stay in bed and sleep and sleep and ignore the pains in my side and chest. I did a dumb thing in retrospect. I took a pain pill when I just wanted to sleep. Didn't put me to sleep, just depressed me. I need to make sure I stay out of that habit of wanting that. It would be soooo easy to just take a narcotic and make all the pain go away and go to sleep. I may talk about it, but I'm so super paranoid that I don't always take my drugs for fear that I fall in that trap and feel even more pain.

I couldn't get a hold of my mom, so I called my mil. I had gotten some cards in the mail. Two were from people at their church. At one time my inlaws were extremely against my church. But things are much much better. I know many of the members of their congregation and consider them very good people. I had been put in their church bulletin asking them to pray for me. Well, I got a card from the church secretary that I know and someone who signed it "Friends from the Tremont", which is part of the name of their congregation. I have a sneaking suspicion it's from my fil, but I don't know for sure. So I called to ask my mil to tell them thank you. She has lots going on too, her dd is just out of jail on some charges and their relationship is awful. My niece and nephew have had to move in with my inlaws and so forth. But she talked on the phone with me for 17 minutes and helped calm me down. We aren't emotional with each other, but she gave me good advice and said whatever we need, just call, their schedule is open. Our relationship has just grown tremendously this last month. I'm very grateful for that. In 10 years of knowing my mother in law, she has only hugged me ONE TIME??? But the Wednesday night before I had my surgery, they came over and played cards. She gave me another hug. I'll probably never forget it.

So even though this was a tough day, in many ways it was good. It's such a rotten roller coaster to be on. It's like riding on one blind. You NEVER know which way you're going, how fast, what's in front of you, or how long the ride is. I just hope I hang on long enough to be able to get off and say I'm done and be done with it all.

P.S. Oh yeah, take my advice. Don't look in the mirror at yourself after having a less than week old mastectomy. You might see that your compression bandage has slipped and while adjusting it you will see what's left and be completely weirded out and want to barf. Just so you know.

Part III

My girls have never been so rotten!!! It's like they stored up all their bad energy and is spewing it out from the moment I got home from the hospital. I'm ready to throttle Chloe and Lindsey is egging her on and I can't do a dang thing about it. I can only threaten, yell, cuddle, explain, and hold for so long before I lose my temper. I want to send them back to my inlaws so I don't have to deal with them anymore. Is that a rotten parent or what?

Just having a day today. An emotional day. My bandage was wrapped up in a way that was hurting me in just one spot and was sucha relief to get rewrapped later. The gauze had slipped down and a tube got in the way and it just rubbed me the wrong way literally. The girls are being bad, dh is getting non emotional sometimes, and I did too much while getting Chloe ready for preschool this morning. Getting her to go was very hard. I had to literally almost push her out the door to get her to leave.

I know I will have to deal with the pathology report from this surgery soon. I knew if they did a dissection, that something bad happened with the biopsy and they would have to go further. But I honestly don't want to think of it now. What else am I going to lose? Seriously, think of this. I have big glasses on, braces on my teeth, I'm overweight, still have acne at times and now a boob is gone and I'm in pain. Now there's a chance my hair might be gone or I'll be throwing up from meds and chemo? NOOOO!!!! I already feel like the world's ugliest freak. It's so selfish but I feel that way tonight. I can't stand to lose one more thing right now. I know how I look, I can't stand to deal with one more thing. I really feel like a weirdo and can't stand to think of how I'll look next.

Part II

Still tired but a nap with percocet feels better. Been feeling better off and on since I got home.

Being in the hospital was weird. They kept asking me what my pain level was on a pain scale and for the first little while all I could think to say was that it hurt. I was real naseauted and either wished I could throw up or make it go away so that it wouldn't feel like that anymore. I had more tubes and things attached to me than I wanted to know about. I had a pain pump inserted in two spots on my chest, an IV, two drains, and these leg things that went off every minute or so. They were like massagers that they put on my lower legs. Every so often they would go off and act like a blood pressure machine and squeeze and poof up to get my blood flowing and not have me develop blood clots while I was in bed. The pain IV clicked every 3 seconds, they came and checked my blood pressure and temp every 4 hours, and the leg massager was going off every couple of minutes. Combine that with being in pain, recovering from anesthia, and you can figure out for yourself how much sleeping I did that night. I was wrapped in a compression bandage which is just a giant ace bandage and couldn't take a deep breath. I watched every minute from 2am til 5am when I fell asleep before those Nazi nurse aides woke me up to check my blood pressure and ask right in my face if I was in pain. Uh, DUH!!! I just had my boob cut off, yes, I'm in pain!!!!

As I tired as I was, I didn't sleep a lot. I couldn't keep my eyes open for the life of me. I honestly couldn't keep them open for more than 5 seconds or so. Having a conversation with me was a real treat. I forget what time, but I got up to go to the bathroom. I really had to go and getting up was a real adventure. I was so weak and shaky and wobbly! I couldn't care less that I was feeling a draft in back. It took Jason and a nurse to help me the few feet to the potty. I felt like a truck that had to back up to the toilet. BEEP, BEEP, BEEP!!!! Then I sit and I discover that my lovely effort in peeing results in blue pee thanks to the radioactive dye they shot into my breast the day before. Thank goodness that's gone. It went from blue, to turquoise, green, and now back to normal. Just what you wanted to hear, right?

Not that I planned it this way, but everytime my mom came, I had just taken a pain pill and was floating on a cloud. The pain button I had I thought was for the pain pump inserted in my body. Nope, that was the morphine drip. You press hard, and morphine goes into your body. So I would show it off and 10 minutes later I was in the land of sleeping. I really wasn't paying attention when they all explained it to me.

My mom brought me a really pretty African violet and some good friends on my church internet board sent me some sunflowers. Another friend came by to say hi and brought me a chocolate pb egg. I love my friends!!lol The bishop even came by to say hello. So nice to hear from everyone. Even my sister and brother came by. I was really touched. I don't think seeing me was all that great, I looked scuzzy and probably a bit scary considering what had happened. But every visitor made my day. I didn't try and pretend to be upbeat, if I was tired, I said so. I just didn't have the energy to be "on" like you try to be when you have a baby and someone comes to visit.

I'm back!!!!!

Finally, I feel halfway normal again. It's hard to believe everything happened on Thursday and it's now Sunday afternoon. But I'm sitting here with an empty pain pump in one pocket and two lovely drains hanging on the right side of my shirt. I'm trying to type everything out so I can remember later on. Some stuff I don't know but Jason knows and I'll depend on him to help me with those details.

So we get to the hospital at 8:30am. Went to same day surgery desk to check in and get my lovely bracelets. Jason drove to the hospital because I kept threatening to drive to the beach if I drove. I get called back and put in this tiny 2 person room and strip down to a very fashionable airy gown and get my IV put in. I'm starting to panic now. I want to take my boob and run far away. After a little while, it's time for the sentinel lymph node dye to be put in. They cover me with blankets and wheel me over to the breast care center of the hospital to have the dye put in. I looked bizarre all covered in white warm blankets with my bare painted toes hanging out flying down the hallway. I get to the center and they give me a numbing stuff to make it easier when they put the dye in. So I get stuck 3 different times with the dye. Okay, last time hurt a little bit. Then they did it one last time. OH HOLY SHIT!!!!! I swear they stuck the needle straight down with every last bit of dye they could and stuck it all in. That hurt like no other thing in the world. I started to cry and couldn't stop it hurt so much. Jason was trying to be so brave, but it hurt so dang bad. They put a cool little Cold Spot on it so it wouldn't hurt so much. I was so deflated after that. I started getting scared and worried and my defenses were down. I went back to my tiny room waiting for preop instructions.

They wheel me in and cover my area with green and blue blocks all over the curtains. I really got scared. I was crying and so scared. I didn't want dh to leave me but I made my parents leave then. When I finally was wheeled to the operating room, I called to Jason that I loved him and he went into the waiting room. I remember getting on the table as someone said it was 1:06pm. So they were right on time. Next thing I remember was waking up like after a nap and feeling so naseous. They had to give me meds like 3 times before I was okay and I guess they wheeled me into my room. I couldn't for the life of me keep my eyes open at all. This was around 10pm. So not the nice 3-4 hour operation they told me I would have. I remember my mom saying she was leaving and dh putting his hand on my face and kissing me and he was going to take care of the girls. He had expected to be home around 7:30pmish. So he was really late. I forget who I asked, but the nurse said they did a dissection so I knew things weren't great. They were doing a biopsy and would only do a dissection if there was cancer found in the lymph nodes. So the first two nodes were okay, but the third had something there.

More later, getting too tired to sit up again.

Okay, here I go...

Anyone wanna go to the beach? I'll pay as long as I can get the heck out of here instead. We leave to take the girls to my inlaws in about 40 minutes and then we are off to the hospital. I'd rather be anywhere in the world but right here, right now. I'm shaking and starving and I want to go pig out on bacon and eggs. But I can't eat and haven't been able to since midnight. Well, 12:10am really. I had some mini doughnuts to tide me over.

I was only up twice to pee last night and I think Jason slept as much as I did. He's finally coming to grips with what's happening. He's almost embarrassed that he's as sad as he is. But I think it's completely normal. It's a part of me and it will be gone in a few hours. I feel the same way.

Great news!! I think my period is starting. Why not? I'm only going into surgery, I have braces, big thick glasses, and now I will be cramping and feeling like crap going into the hospital. Why not hit me all at once with everything that can come at me. My life sucks.

Okay, I need to get going. I have to stop shaking and take my 3rd shower in 24 hours. Lots of fun. Think good thoughts for me, I'm getting more and more nervous and scared.

This was not a good day

I think Lindsey is picking up on my worry and stress. She has suddenly turned into the child from Hell. She whines and cries constantly, won't eat anything that's prepared for her, screams bloody murder when it's time for bed, and is hitting everyone. I don't blame her, I kind of want to act like that too.

I was doing okay til this afternoon. All of a sudden I was doing a ton of laundry and trying to figure out what shirts I can wear after this. Not the close fitting tees I just bought, not light colored clothing that shows your shape off. I'm looking for busy button up shirts or dark Tshirts. I am worried about how I will look with one huge boob and the other flat til my boob "grows" into the right size for me. I started to get really shaky and breathing really fast. I was going to start crying, I just didn't know when.

So I got on my board and wrote my concerns down. So much to do, so much to accomplish before I can know that things will be okay. I have lots of stuff for work, turn in Chloe's kindergarten paperwork, go grocery shopping, change sheets, wash clothes for the girls, and pack for the hospital. Doesn't sound like a lot, but everything is just overwhelming me right now.

I've been really concerned and stressed about what bra to wear afterwards. One person says that she was so tender that she didn't wear a bra for almost 2 months. On my presurgery sheet, it says I may want to keep a bra on 24 hours a day. So I called Nordstroms and arranged to have someone help me get a post mastectomy bra so that I could be comfortable and have a correct bra to wear. So off I go tonight to the lingerie area and feeling terribly uncomfortable and on the verge of tears. This tiny young lady waits on me, her name is Amanda. She kind of knew I was coming and was prepared and didn't think it was weird that I was there for that kind of bra. She was so knowledgeable and helped me out tremendously. She measured me and brought me out a camisole and two different bras. I was shocked to discouver I was a 38 and not a 44. When the hell did that happen??? That was the best news all day.

She was great while helping me out. She told me that my insurance would probably cover the cost of the bra and gave me the paperwork to do it. She filled everything out, gave me her card, and asked for my personal info so that she could contact me later when I healed up enough to have a proper form fitting bra. I was so emotional, I thought I would cry right there. She was just so nice to me! So kind.

So that's one worry off my mind. Someone called tonight to let me know that if I needed anything to just let her know. I can't do that!!!! I just burst into tears because I was so tired and stressed out. She was my VT companion, so I just asked her to take care of the VT this month. I don't want to think of it at all. I don't want to do my calling anymore. I just don't care at all. I don't want to deal with any of it. I just want to... be. Sit back in the back row and blend in with the scenery.

And the countdown begins...

I went and saw my surgeon today, Dr. Kilway. Very nice guy, hate the name though. He doesn't seem much older than I am. He went over my options again with the partial and full right mastectomy. I am definitely going with the full mastectomy with immediate reconstruction. He also wants to do a sentinel lymph node biopsy before hand. That will check the first couple of nodes near my armpit. That will determine if it has spread. If that's the case, then he will do a dissection during the operation. He's not thinking that will happen though.

So instead of going in at 11am for a 1pm surgery, I go in at 8:30am for a 10:30am procedure. I will have dye injected into my breast and armpit area. That will help them locate the nodes and yada, yada, yada. So after I get injected, I wait around a while for the dye to get where it needs to go then they will do the operation and all that good stuff. I did great during the appointment, I didn't get too worked up or anything. That came later when I had to go talk to the surgery coordinator. She gave me all my paperwork and let me know more details. That's when I wanted to starty hyperventilating! lol Talking in theory is one thing, actually doing it is another thing entirely.

I'm really tired of every conversation I have or every event I go to has questions about my boob. It's like no one can talk about anything else. I would love to go to anything where I wasn't asked about it. I don't mind answering questions, but even Sunday School had someone leaning over asking me what the course of action was. Uh, well, when I find out Sister So-and-So, you'll be the first one I tell.

I got my 3 prescriptions filled today. I guess I needed a muscle relaxant, percoset, and an antibiotic. I start the antibiotic tomorrow morning. I was so impressed. I thought it would be a huge amount of money for these pills and it only came to $30. So yippee for me!!

I got the weirdest phone call. I saw on the cell phone that it was an 801 number coming in. I thought it was my sister but wasn't sure why her name wasn't showing up. So I answer and someone wishes me happy birthday and asks how I am. I'm trying not to sound like an idiot, but I have no clue who it was. When she finally told me, I about passed out. It was my old friend from school!!! She was at my 5th birthday party 27 years ago. Her mom and my mom are in the same ward still and I guess my mom told her mom on Sunday what was going on with me. The other mom called her dd who in turn called my mom for my phone number who then called me. It was such a trip to talk to her! We grew apart in junior high and would barely talk in high school. She was the cheerleader, popular girl and I was ....not. But we were always in the same ward. So I was so dang shocked that she contacted me when she heard my news.

It was so nice to talk to her. We laughed and talked and giggled about stuff like we hadn't in years. I got caught up on some people we remember from high school and she updated me on her family and I told her about mine. I'm still on an adreneline rush from that phone call and it was an hour ago!

Just a normal day

So since I got the news about the breast cancer on Monday, everywhere I went or whoever I talked to, I was the center of attention. I was treated like a fragile china doll and that's not what I'm used to. So it was a real treat to go to Katie's shower and just be on the sidelines and not be the center of conversation or the spotlight put on me. It felt like such a relief! I had a good time, won a prize for playing a game, and had a great cake and punch. Katie got some good stuff and I'm happy for her and John.

Every now and then I catch myself playing this game. Like this is the last Saturday before I have my surgery, this is the last time Jason and I will be on a date before the surgery, this is my Sunday before surgery, etc. Jason and the girls and I were cuddling in bed together this morning and I'm thinking this is the last weekend before everything changes. I'm anxious for this next week to be over and I'm more and more scared because it's going so fast and I feel like I have so much to accomplish. I can't believe I will be 33 on Monday. It doesn't even feel like my birthday, but just another Monday instead. I really don't feel like celebrating at all.

Feeling so much better

After my little blowup the other day, I find that I'm actually feeling a lot better. I slept for the first time all night without waking up in a panic or being unable to fall asleep after a potty break. I still think of all this every minute of every day, but not the panic kind of thinking or desperation feelings any more. My sister bought me a book on breast cancer at B&N and I've been looking through it for more information. It's so true that the more you know, the better you feel. You have more control, you know what to expect, etc. Before I was terrified of the pain, my disfigurement, everything. I'm still worried, but not terrified anymore. When I was growing up, my best friend's mom was a great lady. Now I'm learning more about breast cancer from her since she had a mastectomy a couple of years ago. She went through chemo, radiation, all of that great stuff. So she's given me advice through conversations with my mom that's been helpful. I need to contact her directly and ask lots more questions.

I met with Dr. Matthew Braun, my oncologist today. The cancer center in Vancouver was great. All the treatments happen here for both chemo and radiation. All the chairs in the waiting room were comfortable, lots of good things to read, and it was homey! So comforting. It has a great calming effect on you when you step through the doors. But my meeting with Dr. Braun was in a way, a waste for me. He didn't tell me anything I didn't already know and he even said that he doesn't usually meet with patients before surgery, just after to help with meds and treatments. But my surgeon, Dr. Kilway wanted me to have all my questions answered and get all the options discussed. Dr. Braun discussed things with me that I knew, but he made them more clear.He also told me (I gave permission) that at the tumor board yesterday morning, they discussed my case. There is a group of like maybe 10 people in various positions that get together and discuss individual cases. Mine was discussed because my surgeon Dr. Kilway wanted to make sure he got others opinions and get a consensus on my case. I was already leaning towards a mastectomy and they just comfirmed that that is what they would do too.

Did I say that I adore my surgeon? He's been so wonderful to me. I see him on Monday to get all the final details down and get things ready for Thursday. I've decided to go with the reconstruction immediately following the sentinel node biopsy and mastectomy. So shortly after all the cutting, the reconstructive surgeon will insert a breast "shell" and start the process of giving me a new boob. I always said I wanted smaller boobs, I just didn't think I was going to do it this way.Cool thing is, when my breast shell is filled to where we want it, the shell comes out and the permanent saline implant gets put in. I will have a smaller boob and because of medical laws, the insurance will pay for my other boob to be done too! I'm being given the right by law, to have equal symmetry in my chest and so my left boob will be done at that time. So I'm not going to be 44DDD any more, I'm going to be hopefully, down to a 38C or D. Depends on what looks best for my weight and size. This second surgery will take place 6 months after the initial surgery to give time for the tissue to expand and be able to take having a permanent boob. For immediately after the surgery, I will get a cheap prothesis to keep me looking halfway normal.

I'm feeling more realistic than I was before. Not so happy and cheerful, but better. I know, really KNOW the risks, the operation, what I will look like, and I'm past the grief and crying part. There will still be more pain and crying, but the initial stage of grief is over. I was in such a fantasy world before and I'm glad I'm back down to earth and know what to expect. I'm so glad I've researched this and studied and read and saw pictures. I'm scared but not terrified anymore. Thank goodness!!!

I lied, I'm really scared after all

Going to the reconstructive surgeon scared me. Badly. Before it was a fantasy. Go in, chop a boob off, get a new one, go home, and that's it. But it's not so easy. The implant won't be done that day, in fact it will barely be started. I'll look like a lopsided FREAK. Huge on one side, nothing on the other for like 6 months give or take. I SAW the pictures of post mastectomy patients before and after reconstructive surgery. It looks horrible!!!! They look like FREAKS!!!! I didn't think about it, but I won't have a nipple or areola! Just a big blob of nothing. I seriously lost it at the end of the appointment. Just started bawling and out in the parking lot was bad too.

This is going to seriously HURT!!!! I won't be able to move my arm or anything. How am I supposed to take a stinking shower? How will my dh be able to look at me and change my dressings? Who's gonna do that? He says he loves me no matter what. Well, he didn't see the pictures. And don't give me garbage about how it doesn't matter. B.S., it does to me! My dd is already worried about me. I didn't want to lie to her, so I let her know that I had an owie on my boob which she has seen, and the doctors will take care of it next week. She barely let me go to go to this last appointment. She clung to me and said she would miss me. Lindsey took a toy from her and she got nearly hysterical. I let her preschool teacher know what's going on in case she acts different in school. I reassure Chloe all the time that I'm fine, etc. I was til that appointment.

Stupid things are going through my mind. My dang period is due right around surgery. Great. How am I going to get tampons on? Can I make my period not happen? I can't deal with it right now. This sounds incredibly painful and I'm SCARED, SCARED, SCARED!!!!! I want to take my boob and lump and just let it be and run far far away. I don't want to go through this. I'm going to be 33 years old and a FREAK!!!! I'm not supposed to get breast cancer this young!!! There is no family history or anything. Nothing on either side. How the heck did I get this stupid disease? I don't want to hurt!!!!! I'm up at almost 3 in the morning because I'm so scared and can't sleep and sick to my stomach with worries and everything. I can't do this! My mom wants to know when I want to celebrate my birthday. Hmmm, don't really give a crap Mom! Kind of hard to celebrate right now what with someone cutting my breast off NEXT WEEK!!!! Yep, happy birthday to me.

How am I going to do this????? Every minute of every day is worry worry worry. I have a full week of this. No sleep, making myself sick, and no offense, but I DON'T KNOW WHAT I NEED!!!! I've never been in this situation!! How the freak am I supposed to know what I want or need????? Just stop looking at me with pity and do something!!! My sister who I don't get along with is all acting nice with me. STOP IT!!!! I want to be held and rocked to sleep like a child and be told it's all going away and that things will be fine. But you know what? It's not okay, it's not fine, I don't know anything on how it will turn out. No reassurances, nothing. How do you prepare for such a big thing in your life?

Don't be so nice

Have you ever noticed that when the word cancer is spread around that people start being ...nice? Almost like they're afraid that it's catching.

My dh and I didn't have the best relationship and didn't always show each other affection. Now he's constantly holding my hand, rubbing my shoulders, always willing to hold me or say affectionate things. My family is emailing me and being nice to me. That alone is freaking me out. Especially when we told my inlaws. They are suddenly as kind as can be and very attentive to me and asking lots of questions. We haven't always gotten along. At the beginning of Jason and my relationship, they were rather unhappy and didn't mind sharing that unhappiness around. So they are being nice now and so I know they are really worried. Most of my family is.

So why won't anyone get angry with me or argue with me? This scares me more than anything is people being so dang nice and accomodating for me and my needs. I'd rather they treat me like normal or I'm going to get a complex!

Guess what? It's cancer!!

From my first blog, this was the very first sign that something was wrong:

Sunday, March 12, 2006

So I am much more humble this week
I don't like to speak in church unless I feel really good about the topic I'm speaking on. Plus the fact that I have enough cohesive material to go with it. My talk today is on humility and I had a week's notice. It's been buzzing in my head all week to do this talk and I pulled some info out earlier to get together. But it was late last night that I finally wrote everything out and put it in a talk format. The topic is on humility and so many things in the past week have spoken about it to me. Bishop spoke in his testimony on humility, the FHE lesson on email this week was on humility, and then the big fun experience this week for me on it.

I was taking a shower the other afternoon and found a lump in my breast. I was fiddling with a zit I saw and felt lower down and something seemed different than the rest of the tissue in my breast. I wasn't too concerned at first since our family has no history of it and I just seem to young to have anything wrong. I thought breast cancer or problems like that happened to older women, not to someone who will turn 33 in less than a month. So I ask if I should go to the doctor and everyone says yes, even if it's just for peace of mind. Well, I go and the doctor finds the same lump. I'm not just imagining things, something really is there and needs to be checked out. I panicked inside when I heard I needed a mammagram, but since it wasn't scheduled for later that day, I figured if I had to wait 10 days for it that it's not that bad. My other breast has problems of its own and has to have some tests on it. My stupid boob leaks milk every now and again and they are concerned about that.So before Friday, I was fine. Going about like nothing could happen. But something simple like a possible health scare has me really looking at my life. I can't imagine leaving my babies at all. I want to cling to them and hold them tight. I want things to be better with Jason. They aren't bad, but they aren't great. Not a lot of affection and I really could use that. I would have liked to be held or at least my hand held or told that I was loved and really meant it on Friday after getting the news. It may be nothing or something, but it's MY breasts and it scares me though I try not to think about it.My personal lesson on humility is to not take so long to do what the Lord wants you to do. Be prepared for anything and be willing to do as He asks. It won't be always what I want, but what He wants. I need to have a better attitude when things don't go my way.

I wrote on another blog that I felt a lump. That was March 10th. Since then, I've been to see a doctor that recommended me for a mammagram and ultrasound. Those came back suspicious or something that made my doctor recommend me to see a surgeon. He decided by looking on my films that I need a biopsy. It's called a core biopsy. He did it right in the office and took 6 samples of the tissue. That was on March 29th. Today is April 4th, the day I was supposed to get the results. He had time yesterday, and got me in then instead. He got the results himself on Friday but didn't want to tell me on the phone and worry over the weekend. So he got me in as soon as he could. Jason came with me since he was on vacation.

I was so assured that it was nothing. I felt like it was more of a nuisance and I wanted to hurry, cut it out, and be done. So when he asked me if I knew what ductal carcinoma was, my mind went into this whole other mode. I caught CARCINOMA and knew that meant cancer but I didn't want to say it out loud. My doctor explained everything out but I was so overwhelmed with the thoughts of it not being what I "knew" it was going to be that I missed a lot. I was literally in shock and not catching that things were as serious as they were. I was thinking the whole time, "He's not supposed to say that!!". Cancer doesn't happen to me! There's no history of it in my family. Then it gets worse by saying I could lose my breast. Then the meds will put me into premenopause. It gets better all the time! First I could lose my breast, then gain a new one, then meds to put me into menopause, then radiation therapy. It all ran together in my mind. The doctor wrote it out for me in a diagram, but still I'm just nodding and saying okay while mentally and emotionally I'm thrown for a loop. Jason is extremely upset because he doesn't understand. I know a bit more because I've been doing research, but still that's a lot to take in.