Blast from the past

Holy cow. I'm in shock.

I just got an email from someone I never thought I would hear from again. I don't know how they found me, but somehow they did. It was my date for a big dance when I was a junior in high school. We were in drama together and a lot of us went out on group dates and spent time together with the plays and stuff we did. Such a fun shock to hear from him again.

But it brings me to a point. People from my past have no idea that I've been through the whole breast cancer experience. They have this idea in their heads of how I am and what I look like just like I do for them. It's like being frozen in time. It's kind of nice to know that not everyone who knows me knows about how I am now. It sounds weird, but it's like I can put breast cancer away for awhile. Crazy dumb stuff late at night ramblings, I know. lol

Hot flashes anyone?

When I decided to have surgery, I knew my body would go into menopause. I was fine with it since I had kind of gone through that after chemo. My body would have these heat waves that come and go and feel really intense. I thought they were bad. Uh, I was wrong.

A true hot flash is miserable. It especially sucks while it is summer time and the hottest time of the year. After surgery, they didn't start immediately but it came on slowly after a couple of weeks. They start deep in my "core" or chest area and slowly radiate outward. It feels like you are in the grips of a bad fever. Every inch of your body is hot. Then, every inch of your body feels like you are dripping with sweat. Most of the time it is when they come on.

I've changed my meds to Effexor to help cope with these hot flashes. I'm not sure it's working. I literally feel like I'm drenched in sweat. Just sitting down in the evenings, with the slightest bit of pressure from my clothes, and I get a hot flash. I don't like to cuddle in the evenings, because the body heat from someone sets them off too. As I sit here typing this, I'm getting over a hot flash. It was bad. Nearly every inch of me is covered in sweat. It even feels like my hair is sweating it's so bad. One night when we had super hot weather, I was nearly in tears I was so hot and couldn't get any relief. I'm not ready to call the doctor though. I'm not sure if the meds have kicked in yet, if it's the combo of the summer heat and hot flashes, or what it is. I have to see my gyno surgeon in about a month of so, and if it doesn't get any worse, I'll wait until then to mention it. But if this continues, I'm gonna need to be talked down from climbing out of my skin.

I'm all for any great homeopathic ideas of making this go away. Unfortunately, everything I've seen so far has an estrogen based idea for making it better. I can't have that unfortunately. GGGGGRRRRRRR!!!!!!

Jason's skin cancer scare

During that long time of me not blogging, we had another cancer scare. But for once, it wasn't me! lol After I had my hysterectomy, dh took a week off to take care of me. During that time, I made him go to the doctor because he had a sore on his forehead that never would heal. It would scab over and then bleed again and the process would start all over.

So about 2 days after I got out of the hospital, we all trooped out to the doctor's office. He was looked at and they decided to take the little booger out right there in the office. After a long wait in the waiting room, he finally comes out. They were going to biopsy it because they said it looked suspicious. Poor guy, Jason rarely goes to the doctor's office for himself and I know he didn't want to make a big deal about it.

A few days later, dh gets a call at work and he lets me know that they found out that is indeed skin cancer. They think it's a basal cell carcinoma. But they want to dig deeper and get more taken out. This is a big deal now! I know that skin cancer is very very common, but after dealing with my cancer, we don't take anything lightly anymore. We searched things out, found out more information, and talked to other people. We got referred to a new doctor and went to meet him. He seemed like kind of a fruitcake with fingernails longer than mine. Not that that's bad, but just odd. We set the date for the excision. Jason referred to it as a surgery even though it was a procedure done in the doctor's office. He's never had any health problems ever, so he was taking everything so seriously.

I have been through my experience and knew it was not as big a deal. But I also don't want to diminish his fears and worries. So I tried to be super supportive and be what he needed me to be. The day finally came and we went out to the doctor's office. He had to have lots of numbing shots around the spot on his forehead. That was tough. Jason was really nervous and scared and that numbing stuff hurts! So I stayed with him and held his hand. He was hanging on so tight! Poor guy. So once that takes effect, they start cutting and dig out a rough diamond shape on his forehead. I stayed and watched everything and held his hand or kept my hand on him so he knew I was there. He handled everything well and we went home not too long after it was over.

He had a big gauzy bandage on his forehead but seemed to handle it just fine. He had a little bit of a divot on his forehead, but not much. The doctor was great and did lots of tiny fine stitches. When everything heals up, there will be a scar, but not bad at all and just a tiny bit of an indentation. We finally get the results back and we find out they got all the cancer out and he's perfectly okay!!!! No further treatment, no further digging anything out. Yay!!! He will go back in 6 months to be checked again, but he's good to go.

Thank heavens!!

Update of sorts #1

Since that post about asking for help, things have improved with my inlaws. That one night was so terrible. I was ready to never talk to my mother in law again. Even though my father in law was there that night, he just goes along with my mil and even though this sounds cruel, he just doesn't have any courage or thought to have his own opinion.

I let the matter calm down and I didn't talk to his parents for a few days. We managed to get rent together and made it with help from my parents, church, and scrambling our meager finances. Jason got a phone call from his mom and they chatted and she asked if we were able to pay rent. I guess she sounded surprised when he said of course we did. Anyways, they were going to Costco and like they always do, they ask if we wanted anything from there. We give them money and they get what we like since we don't have a card. He told her that no, we wouldn't be getting anything this time around. She called a day or two later and for some reason asked if we could come by. I can't remember why anymore.

In the meantime, I had to work through why I was so hurt. I came to believe that I wasn't going to let her get to me anymore. I won't say anything bad to the girls about them, I'll try to be better about letting my feelings get the best of me, and I refused to let them see how hurt they made me. I was going to show them by action that just because they were so hurtful, that I was not going to be vindictive or ignore them or anything like that.

So we went over there and I tried to behave like normal. We were only there for about 10 minutes or so. They had gone to Coscto and had some things for us. She bought some dishwasher detergent that we needed, some frozen chicken patties that Lindsey loves, crackers, hamburger patties, and chocolate syrup. It doesn't sound like much, but my mil is very very tight with money. She GAVE that to us and said not to worry about paying them back. We were very touched and made sure they both knew how grateful we were. I was shocked that she would do that but I knew that by changing my attitude towards her made the difference. When dh went to go play video games with his dad later that week, I sent a card with him telling them thank you and we both signed it.

Last time we were there, my mil had heard something pop in her hip area when she stood up from watching the girls ride their bikes. Anyways, a couple of days later, she called to ask about some medicine. I asked what was up and she let me know the pain had gotten much worse. Since I have every pain med known to man, I brought over the Alieve she asked for and something to help at night. We also brought over a good magazine I knew she would enjoy and some blueberry muffins that I had just made. I was very proud of those silly things. lol Anyways, we brought everything over, made her feel comfortable and then left.

Had this happened right after the confrontation with them and Jason, I wouldn't have been so eager to help. But I got what she needed together and we went right over with a couple of comfort items in case it would make her feel better. It made me feel better to help and hopefully let her know that there were no hard feelings and when someone needs help, we immediately do what we are able to do.

I'm so glad that I got my priorities straightened out and made the conscious choice to not to let this bring me down. It was hard, but if I want things to be better, I have to step up and show her Christlike service and caring.

I have to share this story

I live in Portland and a reporter with Channel 2 News, KATU station, has been diagnosed with breast cancer. She can't be more than 40 years old at the most. I am very impressed with how she is handling things. She has made her breast cancer battle public and shown every step of the way with viewers in special stories and videos. I can't believe that she would do that and she is handling things with such grace and class. She is not hiding anything at all. Please take a look at her story. Start with her diagnosis and see what breast cancer is like. It's very true to life.
http://www.katu.com/news/27042074.html#idc-container

Last night was terrible

We've been struggling lately because I still don't have a job and we've run out of places to get the money from. We are trying our best but still, it's really hard. We've been meeting with the bishop and he's been awesome giving us counsel and being supportive and encouraging. We felt like we needed to ask our parents for help this month. We've bothered my parents enough so we thought about approaching dh's parents. We knew how it would go, what they would say, how they would act, etc. They are very set in their ways and see only their way of doing things. Dh went and talked to them last night and I called my parents. I flat out said why I called and almost before I had the words out of my mouth, my mom said she would help us. It was humiliating to say the least, but every little bit helps and I'm very grateful for their willingness to help out.

Dh took a long time to come home last night. He let his parents know exactly what was going on. That we have been struggling for awhile and things have come to a point where we needed to ask family for help. He mentioned that we've had help in the past from our church and my parents. He didn't want to keep secrets from them and wanted to ask if they could help us out. They said they would watch the girls anytime we needed it but they would not give us any money. His mom (the boss) said that from their point of view, the money they see us have is not being spent very well and they cannot in good conscience give us anything until we can improve our spending habits.

She mentioned Saturday that we came to pick up the girls with Sonic slushies. She knows that it's in Vancouver and a drive to get it. Without knowing what led us to Sonic, she assumed we had driven there just to get that and it was a waste of gas and money. What she doesn't know is that we had a DATE for the first time in ages. We went to the Farmer's Market and bought my grandma flowers and her visiting brother some carmel corn. We did buy a small amount of cherries for ourselves. We had a small bite to eat and then we went to visit my sil to get a payment for a Scentsy order. Since we were in the general area, we went to Sonic during the cheapie hour and bought a slushie. So, we are rotten for being on a date.

I know she also brought up how irresponsible it was for us to order a professional quilt to be made. We made that purchase a couple of months ago when we were in a better place. We didn't know things would get that bad. We chose the quilt for our 10 year anniversary coming up in September. We thought it would be a better choice so we could have something that would last a lot longer than a dinner that would only have memories. Maybe not the best choice, but one that is done and over with.

I know they said things about me and they blame me for a lot of things. Some things are justified. I don't keep the house the cleanest it could be. I know that. But hearing them say that really really hurts. They wonder why dh does the bath time instead of me. They want to know about all the pressure that is on dh and worry about him and his health since he is known to internalize stress and get sick. I know feel incredible guilt for everything that I have "put Jason through" this year. Two surgeries, change in meds, losing my job, etc. Because obviously it's all my fault. They said a lot of other things. Dh came home and told me some things. I had to push the rest out of him. But it left me sobbing and wanting to call my mom for comfort.

I'm hurting so badly. All I've ever EVER wanted was to be liked by his parents. I wanted their approval and to know they think these things of me hurts me so much. They made a point of saying certain things and it just makes me feel like crap. I'm trying! I really am. Not to the level they think I should be at, but I'm trying to do what I'm able to do right now. Anyways, I have no desire to be near them ever again. I do know that if I'm ever to be nice from them, I need a good long separation for awhile. The girls and I won't be going over there anytime soon. If they want to contact us, they know the number.