It's always something

I really don't mind doctor visits. It's just one more thing to do now like grocery shopping.

I had a visit with a gynocologist yesterday. Her name is Dr. Forsythe and she's the first gynocologist I've dealt with. I have a family doctor named Dr. Hughes who is incredible and I've seen for a million years. I was so nervous to see her. I didn't know what to expect or anything. She was so nice! She put me at ease and wanted me to know that things were fine and if I chose to do anything, she would be my servant.

She and I talked about my history and she got the results from my visit with Dr. Hughes. I had only heard that I was fine through Dr. Hughes nurse. Dr. Forsythe read the results and frowned and said that it seems that she didn't get a good enough sample of tissue. But she wanted me to have an ultrasound first and if after that I needed another biopsy, we would go forward.

She gave me the lowdown on having an oophorectomy and hysterectomy and stuff like that. Most all of my questions were answered and that helped a lot. I left there knowing that she was completely on my side no matter what I decided to do.

I got a call from the radiologist office last night. They wanted me to come in this morning and have the ultrasound. Mom and S watch the girls and I go in. They wanted me to drink 32 oz of water before coming in. Last time I had to do that, I was going in for a much happier purpose. But anyways, I go in. It seemed to me that she focused more on the left side. Then I had a vaginal ultrasound and that was fairly uncomfortable. Nothing hurt, but it was not something I want to do again. It had a camera on the end of the probe and the tech had to take pictures of all sorts of things inside. So if she wanted a picture of the side, she had to point it that way and it's really doesn't feel good to have her move that probe/wand around like that.

I always leave appointments like that feeling really small and depressed. Just the way the tech was and the fact that she couldn't tell me anything really worried me. I told her that I would have a followup on January 8th, but that I didn't want to wait that long. She suggested calling the doctor. Which did NOT help my nerves at all. I leave the appointment and pull over halfway home and leave a message for my doctor to call me. My voice was really shaky and I was almost crying on the phone asking her to call me so I wouldn't worry over Christmas.

I get to Mom's and I start to lose it. I'm worried about how the tech was, my imagination going into overdrive, and I really don't want to do this again. I didn't want to involve Mom because I didn't want to worry her but I couldn't help it. I just started bawling at the table. I can handle doing it all again, I just don't know if my family can. I couldn't get ahold of dh to talk to him and I wanted to because things have really been going well for us lately. More cheerful and happy and loving. I needed him and he couldn't talk with me while he was at work.

Anyways, the doctor calls me back. I have cysts in my ovaries which can happen every month. When you have a period you usually expel them and they go away. But because the tamoxifen has suppressed the hormones, they haven't gone away. My uterus is (slightly, I think) enlarged and my uterine lining is unusually thick. That can be explained possibly by the fact that I haven't had my period in a really long time and that's why I had a heavy period. The lining usually sheds during your period and since I have only had one in a long time, it's built up.

But you know, I don't know if I believe that it's all roses. I feel leery of the attitude I'm getting from the doctors but I want to believe them so badly. It's the attitude that I had when I was finding out I had breast cancer. It's probably nothing, you're too young, don't worry about it, etc., etc. They are reassuring me and it reeks of when this was going on before. So they tell me not to worry and of course because of my suspicions, I worry even more and am even more messed up.

I'm sure it's nothing, but I don't really believe anything. What if it's not? I'm really emotional and weepy and messed up today. It doesn't help that I have a million things to do and absolutely no desire to do a damn thing. I want a good movie, blanket on my lap, me sitting in my recliner, and a pepsi in one hand. I just don't care about anything today.

Wordless Wednesday

I haven't done this in a while and I can never resist a sleeping baby, especially mine.

Benign!!

I had the test results back from my doctor visit with Dr. Hughes. For a recap, I had a pap smear and uterine biopsy. The test results came back benign. The nurse called me and I knew almost at once that it was okay because my doctor would call me herself with any big news. So when she told me the results were benign, I was sooooooo relieved. I'm still seeing Dr. Forsythe on Thursday and see if the tamoxifen really is the cause of this or what's going on.

Visits with doctors and other thoughts

I have a doctor visit next Thursday with a gynocologist to see what's going on down south and if it's something I need to be concerned with. Once my oncologist called my regular doctor, the regular doctor scheduled me for an exam yesterday. I went in and she gave me hugs and had an exam.

First off, Jason took time off to be with me for this exam. Second, my flow was gone and just some leftover ickyness. Third, we had L with us instead of having someone watch her. L started to freak out when the doctor got in "position" to examine me. She covered her eyes and wanted out. But dh held her and wouldn't leave because he wanted to hear what the doctor was saying. It turns out that when I talked to L later, she thought that the doctor was going to cut into my privates area as she called it. I feel so bad that I may have scared her so badly. We talked and I tried to explain to a 4 year old that the doctor wanted to check and make sure I didn't have any owies down there. I didn't get specific, because at 4 years old, she has heard and seen too much already thanks to breast cancer.

I get my finger pricked by the nurse to check my crit levels and find out I'm borderline anemic. Great. So the doctor does the exam and she gets going and she's talking as she's doing the grand old speculum and other stuff. She said she couldn't see what the doctor in the ER meant by my uterus being friable but she took samples in a Pap smear and other goodies. And just to be on the safe side, they did a uterine biopsy. They took a long skinny probe and grabbed a bit of tissue from my uterus to test for any abnormalities. The other tests just felt like they were scratching the sides, but this felt like I had a balloon inside of me and she was trying to poke it was a needle. I had some cramping afterwards, but nothing like earlier in the week. She said it was hard to tell because I was just ending this period and there was a lot of blood in there. She wants to see me after Christmas when it's all done with.

I have no idea when I'll get test results back, but I'm guessing Monday or Tuesday. I know in the back of my mind that there's a small chance of some type of cancer, either uterine or cervical. But I'm doing my best not to focus on it. I'm trying to be so careful now. If I sneeze and think I have bronchitis, they want to do a chest xray. If I trip scratch my knee, better check and see why this happened. Everything is a big deal now and nothing is normal anymore. All because of breast cancer.

I want to write this out before I forget. I usually like to cook. I don't know that I do it well, but adore searching out recipes and making things and going grocery shopping. But for two weeks I can't even stand the thought of cooking. I'm not hungry, I could care less if my kids ate cold cereal(like they want) every day for a week for dinner, etc. Then it hit me. I've been dealing with this period from hell for about two weeks if you count the pmsing stuff before the period. I just never connected it together before. I have no energy, I feel like a giant blob, I'm getting heavier, and I just don't care about anything. (Well, except my new obsession with Scentsy and that's a whole other post for another day.)

You don't want to ever think that it's going to come back. I'm trying so hard not to let my imagination go wild because it can so easily. I don't want to think about the worst, I don't want to think of all the bad stuff, I want whatever it is to be easily fixed. No more cancer. I will pass this time around. If only it were that easy. Just give me the hysterectomy and I'm done with all female parts. lol

My trip to the ER this weekend

I haven't had a period since like 2 days after coming home from my mastectomy in April 2006. It's been great. No blood, no mess, no anything. I would get horrid mood swings, but I was willing to deal with that if I didn't have the blood.

Last month I got what I call the"warning" cramps. The kind that come just like a day or two before your period starts. Then I got a yucky brown discharge for a day or two. I mentioned it to my oncologist and he didn't seem too concerned. Well this month I started to get those funky cramps again. But this time they got way worse and then I started to bleed. Not a little bit, but tons. I was soaking a super plus tampon and pad every 90 minutes or so. Not good. It got so bad Saturday night, that I felt something funny and went to the bathroom. I had bled through my pad, my undies, and my pajamas. Clots were passing and it was like I was literally dripping bright red blood! It was gross and disgusting. Jason was with the girls helping them go to sleep. So I call my mom and wake her up with all this.

I thought with tamoxifen that I wouldn't have a period for 5 years. Through all the info I've been given, that's what I understood would happen. So when I got this heavy heavy period, it totally threw me for a loop and scared me. Even when I had periods, they were never like this, even after having my babies. She said to go to the ER for it. I felt dumb and scared, so I called my oncall oncologist and he said it's fairly unusual to bleed like that on tamoxifen and it might be a good idea to go in to the ER. So I have to wake up dh and tell him what's going on. He insisted on coming with me and managed to get my inlaws to come over and sleep on the couch for us.I felt like all this was unnecessary but I was still kind of scared. All sorts of things went through my mind.

But we get to Adventist(closest hospital but I would have preferred SWMC) and we were the only ones there! Saturday night in an emergency room? Seemed crazy to me. Got back fairly quickly and into a private little room. I was given an IV because they wanted me to have liquids in me in case I was becoming anemic. That HURT!! I told the nurse that and she said they don't mess around in the ER. They find a good vein and get it without second guesses or stopping to see if it hurts. It did. Plus all the lovely tape they put on my arm to keep it in place. It was in the middle of my forearm on the backside.

Anyways, I had to lay on one of those lovely pads and dress in one of those nasty ugly backless gowns. I was always fine when a nurse or the doctor came in, but once they would leave, I would start shaking almost uncontrollably. I finally laid down and that helped a bit. They took my blood and told me I was not anemic, so that's good. The doctor came in and started the internal exam and barely got started and could tell that things weren't right. She said that my uterus was "fried" or "friable" whatever that means. I'm still researching it. Said it's soft and moveable. Anyways, they wanted to give me progesterone hormones to stop the bleeding. I can't have that since my breast cancer is hormone driven. So I was given a prescription for Naproxem (dur, Aleve) and just for fun, they asked me what I like to take for pain. I told them after surgeries I would have Vicodin or Percoset. So they wrote me up one for Vicodin. I was really surprised but happy. Sometimes you just need one and I was out for a long time.

We leave the ER around 3am with instructions to call m regular doc, my oncologist, and a gynocologist on Monday. We also had to find a 24 hour pharmacy to fill my prescriptions. We ended up going to the Walgreens by Peacock Lane and wandering around in there while my stuff was filled. We got home around 3:40am and didn't get into bed till close to 4am. My girls never even knew that their grandparents were here. They snoozed through all of it. Thank heavens for my inlaws. They came over immediately and slept on the couch and easy chair while we were at the hospital.

Sunday night I started to lose it with all the info I had because i was getting a stomach pains and I just could not handle anything else happening. Our whole family has been doing the urps and poops and yuckies lately and I could NOT handle one more things going on while I was worried about all ths. So dh called President P and he came over and watched me cry and listened to what was going on. Then he and dh gave me a blessing. He hugged me and said he loved me which started me off again.

It's now Tuesday afternoon and the bloodflow has slowed down considerably and I haven't had cramps for almost 24 hours. I'm very very grateful. I have doctor appointments with my regular doctor on Thursday and a new gynocologist next week.

The one thing I'm happy about is how well I handled things in the hospital. Nothing bothered me. I've been through worse, so anything the nurse told me, I was fine with. I know there is a slight risk of uterine or cervical cancer with tamoxifen use, but I'm not going to worry about that till I have these other doctor visits and find out what's up. I'm good with a hysterectomy if I need to, but that's down the road a ways.

So think good thoughts this week as I go through more doctor visits!!!

My launch party

I was having a really hard time with this stinking party. My nerves were shot and I've been waking up at 5:30a every morning and going to bed at close to midnight for a week. Plus the girls have been sick and I'm catching what they have. I felt like my whole body was shaking all day. But the party went off fine. I think the anticipation was the worst part. Once I got up and started talking, I realized I could make it my own and present it how I liked. It was mostly my family and about 3 ladies from church. So a total of maybe 10 people all together. That part was disappointing but no problem. I picked a bad night because most everyone in my ward was going to the high school play where some kids in the ward were starring in. But everyone who came ordered something and really seemed to like what the products were about. I had Jason stay with me for support and he was funny trying to get people to try certain scents. I think he was responsible for everyone who ordered the Cinco De Mayo scent last night. lol

Anyways, I took pictures of how I had everything set up and it turned out really well. There are over 80 different scents in 6 categories, so I divded them up so they weren't bunched altogether.

I'm totally panicking

I sent out invitations for my Scentsy party and out of all the ones I sent, I've only gotten word on about 4 of them. I'm totally nervous and scared for this party and worried that no one will show up. My mil is coming and I wanted to impress her with how I handle this. My mom's coming and I had a couple of orders from the ladies on my breast cancer board. I am pouring myself into this and thinking of everything about this party 24/7. I initially wanted to just earn the money back for the kit, but now I'm really hoping it takes off.

Rachel, just by the way. If you want to order something, I'll order it, you send me the money, and I'll ship it to you in Australia. It might not make it by Christmas, but if we want to pay the extra money to make it go faster, it might work. Let me know what you think.

This and That, mostly Scentsy stuff

I feel like a little kid in a candy store. I got my consultant kit the other day from Scentsy and I've been consumed with it. Naturally, I've already misplaced my consultant guide but I can download that from the internet. And I've discovered something else. You can get a headache from smelling too many candles smells. I got 80 little jars of candle testers. They are about the size of baby food jars ad each one is a different scent. I got a candle warmer and one bar and immediately put it to work. I was given the Clove & Cinnamon bar in my kit and it smells like heaven. I like my warmer too, it's the black with raised white dots on it and it's much bigger than I would have thought. Now I go through the catalog and try to decide which ones I want to buy. I have about 3 that I really like and one I want to get that has sentimental reasons. I won't get it now because we already have a black one that came with the kit. The girls on my breast cancer board use the dragonfly as part of the symbolism there and it just means a lot. When one lady has lost her battle, everyone lights a candle that night in memory and to help guide her towards heaven. So I thought it would be nice to get the dragonfly warmer but I'm not sure I can handle the sentimentalism that comes with it now.

It's been super hard lately on that board. Two recent ladies have past on, several more have been diagnosed with mets. One lady in particular that I've known since I've been on there found out that it has spread throughout her body. I want to be a part of all this and I don't. So I'm kind of taking it easy on that board and not posting as much. I don't know quite where I fit in. I'm not "actively" going through treatment like someone with chemo and radiation would. But I'm on tamoxifen and still doing some type of treatment. Though others look at me and it appears that I'm done. But I'm not even though I'm expected to be since I look like it. So hard sometimes.

I'm taking the Scentsy plunge

I've succombed to the evil forces. I can't believe I'm doing this, but I'm taking a deep breath, putting my head up high, and going forth. I just purchased my starter kit for Scentsy products. Ahhhhhh!!! I'm scared of standing up in front of anyone and talking about anything. I don't know why I'm doing this, but at the same time, I'm also super excited. My friend Emily in Idaho got me hooked on it and I'm going to attempt to at least pay back and earn enough to recover the cost of the starter kit. It's an interesting concept. No open flames, no wicks, no burnt fingers or tipped over candles and potential fires. I'm happy about the more intense smells but no fires. Now I just need to decide which scents I want for my own. Anyways, I'm going to stumble through this and see how I do. If anyone is interested, I'm including my humble website for anyone wanting to take a peek. Just search through the catalog and email for any questions.

http://www.scentsy.com/heidis

Pray I don't fall flat on my face. ;)

Nothing like a little scare to get your heart racing

I haven't had an annual exam in probably two years with everything going on. So I scheduled one and went yesterday. I got to see my favorite doctor, Dr. Susan Hughes, the bestest doctor anywhere, any time, in every way. So we start off with a hug and she asks how things are. She knows all of my family fairly well. Things are going great until we get to the usual breast exam. She's doing it and feels something that's not right. On my left breast underneath about 8 'oclock if you were looking straight on at it. With my history now, nothing is left to chance. She immediately sent in papers for a breast ultrasound up at the radiologist office next to the hospital.

I got lucky and had it scheduled at 9:30am this morning. I wish I hadn't said anything to anyone but Jason. It just gets people upset now with each additional appointment. I appreciate the concern, but it really was okay. But anyways, my mom meets me there and I go right in. I could see the whole thing and how interesting it looks on the little screen. It's like watching white cobwebs on a black background. Anyways, the tech couldn't find anything and neither did the doctor who checked on it. Everything's good so I feel fine about it. I do go see my oncologist on the day before Thanksgiving and will let him know I had this done so if he wants me to have further tests, I can get it done.

I was so mentally prepared for anything. I was really calm and not too worried at all. Such a nice change for once.

Hand me some cheese to go with this whine...

I need to get back on a regular schedule of taking my depression meds. I'm sliding downward and I need to claw my way out before I get in too deep.

I'm sitting here on a Saturday night at 8:59pm and I'm the only one awake. Dh went to go lay down with L and he was asleep before she was. I'm lonely and alone. Normally, I don't mind being alone. Tonight I do. I had a sort of anxiety attack that kind of stretched out throughout the day. I wanted to look nice for a bishopric dinner and I was worried that I wouldn't have anything to wear. First shirt emphasized every bit of fat on my torso. Then I tried another shirt that either shrunk or my arms have exploded in size because it cut into my arms. So I sat on my bed totally depressed and wanting to cry because I felt so big that I couldn't fit into any of my clothes.

I'm really struggling in all areas of my life. Spiritually, emotionally, physically, financially, etc. I would love to just be held in someone's arms and leave my worries behind for a few minutes. Not to be told I'm not doing something right or I should be doing this or what about cleaning this room, or having someone tattle on someone else. I want some flat out affection. I just want to be loved and sitting here in the dark on the computer with everyone else asleep, I don't feel it. I don't want to ask for it, I just wish it would happen. It just doesn't mean the same when you have to ask to be given a hug or a kiss.

I'm not sure what I need anymore. I really believe I'm a basketcase.

The Tooth Fairy came to our home tonight!

FINALLY!!! C has had this tooth hanging by a thread for like two weeks and she was too scared to pull it out. We've bribed, threatened, nearly forced, and pleaded to let us yank that puppy out. Didn't work. C and L were playing in the living room today when L bumped her head into C's mouth. Knocked the tooth right out and we couldn't find it anywhere. There was very little blood and C rinsed out her mouth and told me that it didn't hurt at all like I promised it wouldn't. So now she has a hole in her face and is just adorable. My big girl is growing up!! Anyways, I made up a little note and tiny envelope and slipped it under her pillow with a gold dollar inside. I can't wait for her to show me in the morning. Yay!!!!

I'll miss you Dace Wilson

Breast cancer boards are wonderful and terrible at the same time. I found a great one on the Young Survivor Coalition bulletin boards. I went to their sponsored young survivor conference in Washington, D.C. in February and had the time of my life. Met lots of wonderful people, put names to faces and screen names. Then there's the bad side of the board. A lot of the women on there are not going to grow old. They are not going to see their kids graduate high school let alone see them make it to middle school. This week has been particularly brutal on my board. A wonderful lady that just took the boards to become an oncology nurse or worker, died of breast cancer. The disease had metastized to too many places to count. There are so many people diagnosed with mets lately. Too many wonderful sweet women that did nothing wrong. They were female and had breasts, that's it. Two people in particular were just told about them having mets. Not a lot of options for them anymore.

Then in passing, a friend on the board told me that my roommate that I had at the conference in February had died. I could have fallen over. As it was, I just started to cry. I have known women online that have died and missed them, but this was the first time that I met a woman I knew personally and talked for hours that has died from this shitty disease. Dace was amazing. How we found each other was just incredible. We both got scholarships to go to this conference and were looking for roommates to share the hotel room. We hooked up and found out some really neat stuff. Though she lives in California, she graduated from my rival high school in Vancouver, WA two years before I graduated. She had two young daughters, similar in ages to my girls. We both had braces on! Just weird stuff. She was a spiritual person and that helped a lot when trying to find someone to hang with that didn't drink when everyone else was. One night at the conference, our friend Jackie, Dace, and I sat in our room and chatted till about 2-3am. You didn't even notice the time, we just could talk and talk and it was so natural feeling.

When we left the conference, we tried to keep in touch, but we both had families and lives and we drifted apart. Then I hear in the middle of a hectic family drama filled week, that she had passed away. She had inflammatory breast cancer(IBC), ductal carcinoma in situ(DCIS), and I believe it had turned into invasive ductal carcinoma(IDC). I don't know the grade and stage she was at. But it's hurting so much more than I thought it would. The people online that have passed away, you can feel bad but it doesn't hurt as much because you didn't know them. I KNEW Dace. I hugged her, talked with her, spent time with her, laughed and shared stories with her. I'm having a hard time pulling out of this.

So Dace, I'm so sorry I didn't try to stay in better touch with you. You were so gentle and kind and sweet and fun. I'm glad I got you as a roommate and could see pictures of your girls and hear about how you were doing. I'm so sorry I didn't email you more or keep in better contact. I'll miss you a bunch, you really have no idea. God bless you and your family, especially those darling girls of yours.

Dace Mines Wilson
WILSON -Dace Mines Wilson, passed away October 19, 2007. She is survived by her children, Kathryn and Kayla Wilson, her parents, Jan Beasley-Akins (Ulysses) and Arkley Mines. Her brother, Maurice Mines and sister, Virginia Mines. 3 Aunts, Collette Beasley-Harnage (Alvin) Gail Mines-Johnson and Julia Mines, her uncle, Ronald Mines, a host of other relatives and many friends. Visitation from 2:00 P.M. to 7:00 P.M. Friday, Woods-Valentine Mortuary Chapel. 1455 N. Fair Oaks Ave., Pasadena and Services 11:00 A.M. Saturday Bethlehem Church, 1550 N. Fair Oaks Ave., Pasadena. Interment, Forest Lawn Memorial Park., Hollywood Hills. Woods-Valentine Mortuary Pasadena, Directing.

Souper Wednesday

I have to thank MOF for this recipe. It's my favorite soup at Olive Garden. I tried it out this week and my girls actually ate it! That alone makes me happy.

Make your own slide shows and scrapbooks

Souper Wednesday

I love this recipe!!! I found it in Cooking for Two magazine, but it's very easy to double or even triple. I enjoy how flavorful it is too.

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A small update

My sister and a friend both recently found lumps in their breasts. It brought up a lot of memories and I was concerned about both of them. My sister had a lumpectomy and it turns out she had a fibroadema and is perfectly fine and cancer free. My friend had an ultrasound and was told that she is cancer free. I'm sooooo happy for them!!

Souper Wednesday

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De Ja Vu

Because of me, my sisters all had mammograms last year. All were fine. One sister had another mammogram this year because of a new doctor and time for that yearly mammogram. This year they found a lump that was not there last year. So tomorrow (if all goes well) she will be having a lumpectomy. It sounds like they are taking the lump out and then doing the pathology instead of doing a biopsy first. She said they would know the results by Friday.

I have a friend that's also going through a tremendous amount of family health issues. She found a lump too and is having it looked at. I'm just in shock for her. I'm in shock for both of them. It's bringing up a lot of memories again too. I hope that if they want my help or need me to answer any questions, that I can provide them with answers that can be of help. If they don't need me for that, then I hope they both know that they are in my thoughts and I'm hoping and wishing for good healthy lumpy cancer free boobies.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart

I finally got to say the biggest thank you I've been wanting to say since I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I know I've mentioned it before, but I'm going to bring it up again.

In October 2005, I was Enrichment Leader for our ward. We planned to have a couple of people from the American Cancer Society come and talk about how to do self exams and to get brochures since it was breast cancer awareness month. It was an unusual activity and I don't know if anyone had done anything like this in a while. I knew we had a couple of survivors in our ward and it just seemed like the right thing to do at the time. So we had the activity, two ladies came in and talked and it went off well. They handed out necklaces that special signifigance in relation to how big a tumor is when you get examined by a mammogram, ultrasound, MRI, or self exam. It sounds icky, but the necklaces are really nice.

So a few months went by and one of the ladies emailed me and asked me a question or something, I think to let me know about an upcoming activity the ACS was organizing. I don't think I ever emailed her back because life was busy at the time. Fast forward to March 2006. I was taking a shower and did a half hearted self exam and found a pimple at the time. I was checking it out and I could feel a lump deep in my breast. From there on, I went to various doctors till I found out I had breast cancer and life changed forever.

But it was because of that church activity that I knew more about breast cancer and had the brochures and knew what to do. It was because of those ladies coming, that things changed for me. Last October, dh would bring goodies every Friday that supported breast cancer awareness. All the Hershey Kisses in pink wrappers, Peppermint Pattys, M&Ms, etc. This year he's going to do the same thing but wanted to bring some brochures with his boss's permission.

So I called the American Cancer Society and asked if they had anything. I told them why I was calling and a little bit of my story. I told them I never got to say thank you for those ladies coming. The lady on the phone asked me to describe who the ladies were and when it was. I gave her as much information as I could recall. She knew one of the ladies and transferred me to her phone line. I started to cry but I told her my story and how I knew her. I was able to tell her thank you for coming to that activity and because of her and her work and her partner, I found my lump when I did and took care of things. It sounds silly on paper, but it meant so much to me. I couldn't remember their names, but they helped me get on the path and to know what to do when things started to happen.

So I was able to say thank you to someone that I've wanted to for 18 months. I feel like I'm on such a high and so grateful for them. I think she was surprised that I called, but they said it's wonderful to hear the success stories and it felt good to say thank you finally.

Souper Wednesday

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Portland Race for the Cure

I've been meaning to write this for a week now. I was invited to join a team to walk at the Portland Race for the Cure. The Portland one is the 3rd largest in the nation. A lady that my inlaws are friends with and that I know as well invited us to join her team to go walking together. My inlaw's neighbors are sisters of this lady, so she had about 20 people or more walking in our little group. Unfortunately, it was also the Primary program, so the girls went to church with Jason and I got downtown with my inlaws. My fil picked me up and went back to their house to walk to the bus with one of the other families.

We all had our shirts on with sweatshirts underneath since we were walking to the bus at 6:45am. They all had white supporter Komen shirts on while I wore my bright pink one to signify being a survivor. There were very few people on the bus on a Sunday morning, but slowly more and more people got on and there were like 4-5 more white Komen shirts joining us. We got into downtown and had to get off the bus because it was blocked by all of the runners that had just started the 5k run. I felt my heart go in my throat from seeing everyone running for the same reason and purpose.

Then we discovered the hard part. We had to cross that street to get to where we were meeting everyone in our group. We should have thought about it longer, but we didn't. So we got our courage up and attempted to dash across the street against all the people running. If you've never done it, just imagine trying to be a salmon swimming upstream against the current and you get the general idea.

We go to find our group and walk to the waterfront. There are literally thousands of people roaming around. We see that people are already lining up for the 1k walk which is what we signed up for, so we go and get in line. They have streets blocked off people to walk on and they had barriers all around them. For the 1k walk, we had to walk around all these barriers and I was able to get a peek at the starting line. I was walking with my inlaws and it's a good thing I'm so tall and wearing pink. They are short and wearing white so they blended right in with everyone else but they could see me right away if we got separated from each other. Our walk was on Naito Parkway and turned so that we ended the walk on the sea wall down past the Morrison or Burnside bridge. I lost count which one it was. At the end of the race, all the survivors were handed pink rose courtesy of SWMC. I was hoping to see someone I recognized, but I didn't. I looked around and could tell that I was one of the youngest people there with breast cancer. It was rather unsettling, but not too bad.

Once our walk was over, we wandered around the waterfront looking at everything. There were so many people there that it started to get claustraphobic. On the walk, it wasn't so bad. Even with all those people, you are all going in the same direction with the same purpose. Once it was over, it was people walking everywhere in every direction. I'm not crazy about crowds so I was trying to inwardly calm down. Once we got past a certain point, it was a little easier. I went to the Survivor tent and got a nice bag full of goodies and had a survivor picture taken behind the tent. I can't find my bib number, otherwise I could go online and buy a copy of it. But $10 for a 4x6 doesn't seem worth it. After checking all the sponsors's tents, we attempted to get back to the streets the buses were on. Again, a problem. By that point, the 5k walk had started. THAT'S the main event so many people were there for.

There were 46,000+ people preregistered and I think nearly 30,000 of them were in that walk. I heard later that one person said it took her 30 minutes just to get to the starting line! That's crazy!!! Thrilling but crazy. We got smart this time though. We tried to go around them. When that didn't work, we staggered our way across the street and did pretty well. All the buses were blocked by the 5k walk so we were stuck at the bus stop. Every few minutes, they would stop the walkers and allow the buses to go by. We waited at our bus stop for at least 25-40 minutes for a bus to come. Then we got on and waited a bit longer while more walkers went by.

All in all, it was a wonderful incredible experience. It was so comforting to be with so many people fighting against the same thing. It was also so sad how many people were there "In Memory" of people too. So many women have died from this disease, including friends of mine on the support board I go to.

Ohhhhhh, the humiliation and pain

I completely embarrassed myself today. I haven't done something like this in many many years.

L and I walk to school to pick up C every day. We have to walk through a "park" to get there first. Since we are so close, I wore a hoodie and capris and my fake crocs from Payless. It started to sprinkle on the way home and to get the girls moving, I started to run and tease the girls. L was chasing me and I started jogging backwards to stay out of her way and keep an eye on her. BIG mistake. I got that feeling where you know you're going to fall. I turned around and did those big crazy steps to try and stop myself from going down. It didn't work. I fell flat on my face and I got a mouthful of grass. It got caught in my braces too. Blech. I actually first hit my knees, then my left chest and shoulder area and then my face. My glasses fell off and got twisted up, I hit all up the left side of my face pretty bad, and that's when I got a mouthful of grass. I was able to wrangle my glasses into a reasonable shape and attempted to get the grass out of my braces. I tried to dust myself off and get up. That's when my face started to hurt, my knees began to ache, and my pride was long gone.

When you dive face first into the ground, you lose all your pride. It was worse because all the elementary kids had been let out and were walking home across the park too and I know they all saw me take the dive. So I got up and walked home trying not to make a big deal out of it. But as I sit here writing this, my face is scrapped and bright red on my left cheek up to my temple and it feels like my right knee is swollen and my body just hurts. Poor C felt terrible and wanted to cry and L said she would take care of me. I just wanted to hide for a minute and cry. Ahhh!!!!!

I love soup making season

Click to play | Make your own Smilebox

My little SHOCK of the week

A while back on an internet board I belong to, someone mentioned I should write to the Ensign magazine with my experience with breast cancer. I don't know if it was made in jest or not, but it sounded like fun. So I went to www.lds.org for fun and submitted my story to the Ensign as an idea for a little article. I sent it via email and promptly forgot about it. A few weeks later, I get an email from them saying that they want to purchase my manuscript for the article. HOLY FREAK!!!!! I was really surprised. Then I read the email again and saw that they wanted me to fill out some paperwork and return it to them promptly so they could send me a check. Again, HOLY FREAK!!! I didn't know that they gave money for little things people wrote for that magazine. It never even occurred to me at all and it wasn't the reason I sent it in in the first place. I asked a friend on the internet and she says they do pay for stories and articles, depending on the length and the topic. So I looked a third time on the email and it shows they will pay me $100 for it. Wowzers, I was in shock. My friend warned me again that just because they buy it, doesn't mean that they will publish it right away or even ever! Still, it's nice to dream and it doesn't really matter if they do. They paid me for it!!!!!! Whoo hooo!!!!

Wordless Wednesday

Showing off my new habit, knitting hats. Thank you Knifty Knitters!!

Calgon, take me away!!

I've reached the wall tonight. The point where I want to give up and go home. I'm an emotional person and I'm not terribly spiritual and I use this blog to have my own little personal tantrum. When I'm done with my tantrum, I'm better and able to handle things in a much better mood. So when I talk, I get my innermost private thoughts out and while it may sound terrible sometimes, most of the time I have control and these thoughts and feelings are in a locked way corner of my brain and I don't like to let them out.

Having said that, I want to quit. I don't want to be a grownup anymore. I want to go back to being a child again where if I was sick or scared, I could most likely get a hug and a kiss from my mom and could go to bed and get better. It really sucks to be an adult. I've made lots of bad choices and feel incredible guilt for things beyond my control.

I wish I could go back and make better choices about my education. I wish I had stuck to my schooling and gotten a degree in something, anything! I wish I had been better instead of not finishing because I sucked at school and didn't know what I wanted to be. Maybe then, we would not be so completely tight for money.

I wish I had never ever ever gotten a credit card. No one made me spend money, I did that myself and now I am really paying for it.

I wish that I had a better control over my bad temper. My family is suffering and I'm not helping make things better with my lousy nasty temper. I know what it feels like to grow up feeling like crap and I don't want my children to feel the same way. I'm afraid I'm not succeeding there.

I wish to heaven that I had never discovered that stupid lump in my breast. I'm glad I did for my health, but I royally screwed up our financial situation. It's so dang expensive, even with insurance. My operation to cut off my breast was easily over $35,000 and that's not including the surgeons's fees. I've lost count of how many copays and prescriptions I've paid. I know one shot of Neulasta that I would get after every chemo appointment is $6000. I had 8 chemo treatments and then I had other shots to raise my wbc counts. Yes, insurance paid the lion's share of the bills, but still that's a huge amount to cover. It feels like we will never recover. I'm humiliated to have to ask for help. Help from our church and even worse, to ask our parents for help.

My inlaws haven't asked how we are in ages. If it doesn't involve them directly, they don't care. They have no clue how badly we are struggling financially and they won't unless they ask how we are and they don't ask that. If they don't ask, that's one less thing for them to have to deal with. And heaven knows they will do anything on earth to avoid conflict. I don't want my girls over there for awhile. So much is happening at their home that I don't want my girls near it. But that's a whole other story.

We took our poor Saturn into the mechanic for the every 3ooo mile oil change. Went fine, got in the car, heard a noise, drove less than a block and it's started making a sputtering noise. I limp back into the parking lot to find out that a spark plug blew. 3 mechanics are looking at it and scratching their heads in amazement at how it broke off so oddly. 4 new sparkplugs and wires later and my car is back. But not until I have my father pick me up in Sellwood and bring me home. He came from Vancouver to do this and it's easily a 30 minute drive one way. More drama, lots more money we don't have. This car better stay in good shape.

So there's my whine. I quit, I want to run away, I want to take my percoset and take a nice long drug induced nap.

Wordless Wednesday

My baby's first day of 1st grade.

Wordless Wednesday

Yes, I know it's supposed to be wordless today, but I need to explain it. When I was going through chemo last year, my family went to the Portland Rose Garden to see all the roses in bloom. My husband took the girls to see something and I sat down in the Shakespeare Garden for a break. I was tired and felt a bit weak. But I sat on this bench in the picture and felt like I belonged there. It wasn't too hot, the wind was blowing gently, and I was in the shade. I instantly felt happy and at peace. I don't know how to describe it other than to call that place My Happy Place.

My poor ring

This is an extreme close up of my wedding ring. My sweetie bought this for me the fall before we got engaged. We went to the Shane Company and just "looked" around. I found a couple that I liked and told him he had to choose the final one. On the 2nd anniversary of our first date, December 2, 1997, he proposed with this ring. I've loved it ever since. I've had it sized, soldered together, cut off my fat pregnant finger more than once, and repaired many times.

This past weekend, I turned it in yet again to the Shane Company. It used to be perfectly circular, soldered at the bottom to connect both rings together, and it has slowly bent itself out of shape. It was an odd shape, one side of one ring was bent in and you could see the other ring clearly instead of them being perfectly in sync. As you can tell from the picture, the tops of the rings are clearly separated and the ring hadn't been cleaned in a very long time.

It's not a terribly expensive ring or too fancy. Compared to some rings it might be huge or it might be just a speck on my finger. But it's mine and I love it. I had a chance to exchange it for a different band or turn in the ring and get something altogether different. I entertained the thought and decided to keep my ring just as it is and get it repaired yet again. My sweetie picked it out, gave it to me and promised to love me forever, and it's a design I don't see very often. It's my personality and it has my favorite number of bittie diamonds on both sides. I don't think I would ever change it except maybe in a few years to get a slightly bigger diamond. When I was pregnant with one of my girls, I had to have my ring cut off. I bawled like a baby on the way out the door and thought of it constantly. I didn't cry this time, but I miss it like crazy. My hand feels naked without it and there is a little white area on my finger where it normally would be. Just a few more days and I'll have it back.

I do love a lot of things, but there are very few things such as my ring that I would cry about being separated from. My sweetie and my girls are the other things. Only a few days till I get it back!!

Wordless Wednesday

A year ago this week

Well, a year ago this week I was having my last chemo appointment. The dreaded Taxol and Gemzar combo. It would wreck havoc with my bones and make it nearly impossible to walk or do anything without pain. I was finally getting the barest hint of hair after being bald for 4 months. I'm having a hard time believing it's been a year. I had a full head of hair and it's all one color again. Jason's aunt liked to experiment with colors and at one point I had my original brown hair, blond, icky darker blond, and gray hairs sneaking in. It was all growing out and since we were too afraid of burning my scalp, so she had only colored my hair about an inch out. The rest was my natural gray and brown hair. So it really was kind of hideous when it grew out a lot. But now it's all a very natural brown color and it fits me. I need to get a picture of my hair so I can have it for my album. It will be hard to cut ever since it was the hardest thing I ever had to grow.

Very late Wordless Wednesday

quality family time

I love Erma Bombeck

IF I HAD MY LIFE TO LIVE OVER - by Erma Bombeck (written after she found out she was dying from cancer).

I would have gone to bed when I was sick instead of pretending the earth would go into a holding pattern if I weren't there for the day.
I would have burned the pink candle sculpted like a rose before it melted in storage.
I would have talked less and listened more.
I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was stained, or the sofa faded.
I would have eaten the popcorn in the 'good' living room and worried much less about the dirt when someone wanted to light a fire in the fireplace.
I would have taken the time to listen to my grandfather ramble about his youth.
I would have shared more of the responsibility carried by my husband.
I would never have insisted the car windows be rolled up on a summer day because my hair had just been teased and sprayed.
I would have sat on the lawn with my grass stains.
I would have cried and laughed less while watching television and more while watching life.
I would never have bought anything just b ecause it was practical, wouldn't show soil, or was guaranteed to last a lifetime.
Instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy, I'd have cherished every moment and realized that the wonderment growing inside me was the only chance in life to assist God in a miracle.
When my kids kissed me impetuously, I would never have said, "Later. Now go get washed up for dinner."
There would have been more "I love you's" More "I'm sorry's."
But mostly, given another shot at life, I would seize every minute...look at it and really see it .. ... live it and never give it back. STOP SWEATING THE SMALL STUFF!!!
Don't worry about who doesn't like you, who has more, or who's doing what. Instead, let's cherish the relationships we have with those who do love us. Let's think about what God HAS blessed us with , and what we are doing each day to promote ourselves mentally, physically, emotionally.

11 Things Never to Say to a Cancer Patient

This is for all the dingbats out there or people without a clue. For those that are well meaning and have my best interests at heart, ignore this. A fellow breast cancer survivor wrote this. I don't agree with all of it, but the majority I do.

11 Things Never to Say to a Cancer Patient:

1.) WOW! You have hair. While we know that you mean this as a compliment, what you’re really saying is: “Hey, last time I saw you, you were bald. Now, not so much.” Yeah, thanks. Don’t take us back to remembering the treatment that caused us to be bald.

2.) I KNOW EXACTLY HOW YOU FEEL! Really? You do? Unless you are a fellow Cancer patient, we’d really appreciate some “I imagine you feel. . .” or “I am certain that’s frustrating” like comments, because you don’t have a clue.

3.) You don’t LOOK sick. Awesome. That’s the WELL look I was going for. I have good days and bad days. By the way, you don’t LOOK stupid.

4.) (See number 3) Wow. I thought people got thin/lost weight during chemo. Yeah, see they used to—and now we have steroids that help with the nausea. . .so lots of us actually GAIN weight. How thoughtful of you to point it out!

5.) Any form of: “Your Oncologist/Doctors aren’t doing the right thing; I think you should take XYZ treatment.” Wow. You went to medical school in the past four weeks since I’ve seen you? Every form of cancer and every case is different. Treatments are tailored to our individual needs. Please don’t undermine my team.

6.) What you really need is a JUICER. Juice saved my life! I am so glad you’re feeling healthy. Some cancer patients can’t eat raw veggies, and if you keep pushing this $200+ machine on me, I might stick that cucumber somewhere you don’t want it.

7.) Vitamin C, Vitamin K, Vitamin E, SOY! Vitamin C is water soluble so any you don’t need, you pee out. Too much Vitamin E inhibits an antioxidant’s ability to rid the body of bad cells . . . and I’d hate for that blueberry juice I’ve been drinking in massive quantities (see number 6) not to work! SOY is a natural form of estrogen which feeds many breast cancers. So, it could be dangerous.

8.) When are you going back to work? You know what, I would give ANYTHING to feel up to a full eight hours around the water cooler with people who aren’t sticking me with needles etc. . . but right now I still need a nap around 3:00 PM everyday. And I don’t see me pulling a “George Castanza” under my desk.

9.) Are you gonna eat that? Sure as heck am. See sometimes when your tastes change due to all these meds you can’t eat anything, or your former favorite things, so right now, I’m going to eat what sounds/tastes good. If cancer isn’t going to kill me, neither will this Little Debbie.

10.) Wow, you are pretty brave to get such a haircut!".good ever lovin grief. I had all this wonderful hair...randomly I got up one morning and shaved my head...thats right, because I'm daring and edgy and brave...hated to buy shampoo, didn't like to comb...tired of coloring....ugh.

11.)"You have to think positive/It's all about positive thinking/Attitude is one of the main reasons why people beat this" No I don't and no it's not. It's basically luck and alot of toxic crap. I wonder if anyone has ever done a study on the life expectancies of happy clowns that i can retort with?

Portland GNO

I got together with some online friends this past week. We met up at the Portland temple and walked around taking pictures in the twilight. Then we made a quick trip to Trader Joes and off to The Cheesecake Factory. Alaina, Lisa, Lis, and I had a blast. We started talking and gossiping and laughing and have a wonderful time. The cheesecake was so good and the conversation was even better. I haven't laughed that hard in ages. We all got along so well and had similiar thoughts and feelings about various things. We thought it would be fun to get some pictures and we were giggly and being silly. It was late at night and it was at Washington Square Mall. We got out a small quilt and laid it in the parking lot. We put our heads together and attempted to take pictures of ourselves. Very few came out okay since we were laughing so hard. Here's my attempt. Ignore the ugly braces and the fact that I cut someone's head off.

Wordless Wednesday

Wordless Wednesday

More ramblings

More about my friend diagnosed with breast cancer. Becky is a good friend of mine growing up. We lived 3 blocks away from each other and are about 6 months apart in age. She was just diagnosed with breast cancer and will be having a double mastectomy on Monday. I know 4 lymph nodes are positive for cancer and it has only affected one side. The other side will be a prophylactic surgery with immediate reconstruction. I don't know what other treatment she will have.

I made some more raspberry freezer jam today. We bought a flat from Hartnell Farms in Portland. Technically, we got them for free. Thanks to that humiliating WIC program we are apart of, we got $20 in farmer's market coupons. I've been craving raspberries and wanted to use my coupons to get some berries and make some more freezer jam. So we searched for this farm that my friend V and I had been to before and picked raspberries with our families. I vaguely remember being about to use WIC coupons there, so I thought it would be fun to try again. A jam flat was $20 which is exactly what I had in coupons. Very nice. Then I had a gift card that a friend had sent me in the mail for Walmart. We went there and bought the sugar, pectin, and small freezer containers to make the jam. All of this and it didn't cost us a dime!! I was so giddy and excited after getting the berries. I wanted to race home and make everything. We waited until today and made a ton of it. Chloe helped me and it feels great to have all those containers sitting on the table. So much fun in fact, that I called the farm today and asked if they had marionberries in flats. They did! So we went for a little ride and bought a flat of berries and I'm making marionberry freezer jam after church tomorrow.

Relay for Life experience

So I went and did the Vancouver Relay for Life at Columbia River High school. I went last year and it was a pretty emotional event because I was just going through treatment and kind of weak. This year I went and while it felt great to be with other survivors, I didn't feel a super deep connection with it like I did last year.

An explanation is in order I think. Relay for Life is an event sponsored by the American Cancer Society (ACS) where you have teams of people walking for 24 hours. All proceeds goes to the ACS. There has to be at least one person from your team walking on the track for 24 hours and you are carrying a baton since you are in a "relay". It seems that everyone usually has a sign up list of who will walk when. You try to raise money beforehand or your team can hold a raffle and make money that way. The survivors all wear purple survivor shirts, the caretakers wear white, and the team leaders had bright ugly orange shirts. That way you can see who is who.

There was a group photo of all the survivors to start things off. Then the survivor lap where all the survivors walk around the track and all the teams stand on the sidelines and cheer the survivors on. Last year it was crazy emotional and I bawled. I had to have Jason walk with me. This year, I found my friend Tonya from chemo and walked the lap and chatted the entire time. I was so glad to see her, it's been since December or November since I saw her last when we were going through radiation together.

I had signed up through the internet to be apart of my cancer doctor's team, Northwest Cancer Specialists. I was stupid and didn't contact the team leader till a couple of days before the event. Then I found out that the rest of the team was from the office and they were all communicating via office email and everything had been planned out and I was unintentionally excluded. No one had me signed up to walk, I didn't bring anything, and nobody really talked to me all day.

Will finish later. I can't concentrate. I just found out my childhood friend who is the same age as I am was diagnosed with breast cancer.

Wordless Wednesday

Wordless Wednesday

Reconstructive surgeon visit and physical therapist visit

So I have to shop around for a new reconstructive surgeon. My original one stopped taking my insurance so I had to find someone else. I wouldn't be able to do anything till I've been out of treatment for a year to give my skin time to heal from radiation. I didn't want to wait till the last minute before choosing one, so I've been searching for awhile now. I didn't realize that there are very few surgeons in the area that will do the reconstruction I want to do. I was told initially that trying to have an implant again was out of the question, but maybe not. As fun as the last experience was, I'm not ready to do it again. It was incredibly painful and it didn't work.

So I feel like I'm going through the yellow pages trying to find someone that will work with my insurance. I thought I had one, but they only take a certain type of insurance plan and that happens to be the one I don't have. So I find someone else. I find out she has a website and I go check it out. It's very sleek and very beautiful and shows before and after pictures of the surgery I want. I had high hopes. Then I found out she only works out of a hospital that I'm leery of and it's way out in Beaverton. Even in good traffic, it's a ways out there. But I go to meet her anyways because I forgot I made the appointment till the reminder call and I had nothing to lose. It would be nice to get another opinion.

I hadn't thought of this before, but every person I dealt with at Dr. Waldorf's office was very pretty. I guess it wouldn't do to have an ugly person working at a plastic surgeon's office. That's intimidating. Plus the fact that I had the directions backwards and was nearly 20 minutes late. I've NEVER been late to a single appointment ever. So it wasn't starting off well. I finally get to meet the doctor and the way she talks and her attitude is very uncomfortable. She did have tons of knowledge and she does 8-10 of them a month. She does the tram flap, but not the free tram flap. Anyways, I felt like I was almost disturbing her and that she had quite the ego and how dare I question her or not accept everything she had to say. But I was nervous and maybe I'm imagining things. Most doctors I've dealt with have been very kind and I guess it's normal to have one that's not that way. I left with good information but still not 100% happy with her as a surgeon.

I've been having slight swelling with my right hand. The back of it and two of my fingers are slightly swollen. So when I saw Dr. Schneider last week I mentioned it to him and I called this week again and they set it up for me to see a lymphedema physical therapist in the breast center at the hospital. I went to SWMC (St Joe's) to have my surgeries and the breast center was in a wing of that hospital. I felt like I was coming home. I've had 5 surgeries here including my csections. They finished remodeling the hospital and adding a huge new section in January.

So I go there and meet with John. After Dr. Waldorf's visit this week, I was kind of nervous to get a doctor like here again. Full of herself and ego driven. John was great! It was a relief. I'm terrified of lymphedema and he explained everything out for me. He asked questions, measured my fingers individually, then my wrist, the back of my hand, and then different points up my arm. He showed my a couple of exercises to strengthen my pectoral muscles which I haven't done since my surgery. I know it's my fault for not seeking it, but I've not done any stretching muscles to strengthen and stretch my right side where I had surgery.

John and I talked and I could open up and ask questions that I didn't feel good about asking with Dr. Waldorf. He made me feel completely at ease. Bad news is that I definitely have lymphedema, it's just not bad yet. It's completely manageable and although it will be a hassle, it won't ruin my life. I have to wear a glove every day as soon as I get up and only take it off at night. I have a glove, but it's not a custom fit and it's as blah and beige and medical looking as they come. Plus, it doesn't leave my fingertips free and makes my right hand useless since I can't pick up any small things or grip anything with my fingers. I want to hit www.lymphedivas.com and order a good fitted gauntlet. They need more fabrics though. lol I go back in a week to see John's partner Jody and hopefully get fitted for a gauntlet.

Radiation oncologist appointment today

I had my 6 month visit from Dr. Schneider, my radiation oncologist. I can't believe it's been over 6 months since I finished rads. Scary in a way. I was looking forward to this appointment in a way. When I'm physically doing something towards healing myself, it's easier to handle. Otherwise I feel like I'm in the dark and don't know what to do next. With active treatment, you know that this appointment will happen, this test will be done, I can expect this surgery, etc. When you go months at a time without doing anything, it's freaking scary. How do I know that breast cancer isn't just waiting for me around the corner?

So I go to the appointment with high hopes and a good attitude. The nurse starts asking me normal questions about how I'm doing and my good attitude starts to go down the drain. I get more and more down. Dr. Schneider comes in and does the exam and it goes well. Everything is fine, nothing to be concerned about. He asks lots of questions and I tell him I've decided against reconstruction at this time because I've been given the impression from my dh and family that they don't want me to do it. I need their support to do this and they would give it if I asked, but not willingly. I want them to want it for me and they aren't able to do this. Plus the fact that even with insurance, we can't really afford it. It almost seems like a luxury right now. I'm able to live without out, though not happily. The doctor was concerned about my choice regarding this. He asked if Jason and I have had counseling or if at least I have. After my initial visit with the cancer counselor at Cancer Care Resourses, I haven't been back. It's hard for me to open up to someone who knows nothing about me. They don't know my beliefs or anything. If I ever find a counselor through LDSFS that gets the cancer thing, I'll be there.

Next the doctor figured that I was going to be up for my annual mammagram in September and he set that up. It's hard to believe that it's almost been a year since my last one. Then he is setting me up to visit with a physical therapist with specialties in lymphedema. A couple of fingers on my affected side have been a bit swollen on the lower half of my finger since September and he wants to make sure that I have it looked at and to basically educate me on what to expect and what to look for. I'm simply terrified of getting it. I've seen one woman with a horrible case and I'm extremely careful but not too knowledgable on it. So Dr. Schneider set me up with all these appointments and I'm ready to go.

But I'm so dang depressed!!! I leave and I'm just in a nasty depressed funk the rest of the day. I want to cry constantly and I want to be mothered and taken care of. I finally figured it out. I was fine till I got to the doctor's office which is where I went for all my treatments, both chemo and radiation. I had tons of bloodwork there, xrays, shots, IVs, etc. I've been poked, prodded, pictured, radiated, filled with poison, etc. So no wonder I get depressed going there! I associate that place with pain and suffering and depression. Sooooooo many memories when I walk through that door.

I'm also struggling in another way. I am on a private board where I feel I'm known simply as that chick with breast cancer. In a way it's great because I'm emailed constantly with ladies who are scared about a lump they find and they ask questions. I'm so glad they do that and feel comfortable with me. I find out when a sister or a mother or other family member has been hit with breast cancer. I'm so glad I can help with questions or concerns or anything they need. But in another way, it's so damn hard. I know all the wonderful clinical trials going on to find new meds and treatments for women with breast cancer but every day more and more women are being diagnosed with it. With every announcement of someone I know being diagnosed, I take it personally and become so depressed. One with a reaccurance, one with mets, one with a lumpectomy, or one with something else. It's heartbreaking! The women on my breast cancer board I'm especially close to. It hurts me terribly to hear someone else who has developed mets or has lost the battle to kill the beast. I literally feel another piece of my heart just break off.

Wordless Wednesday

I have an oncologist appointment this morning. Plus, this was my hairdo a year ago on July 18th.

Momentary lapse of control

I'm a stinking mess right now. There are so many things I'm struggling with and worried about. I'm trying to be strong and brave and this stupid thing makes me sit here with tears running down my face.

I miss my cleavage!!! Huge and pain in the ass that it was, I miss having two boobies. I miss looking down and seeing them squished together in a bra. I miss wearing a nice V neck shirt that showed a tiny bit of skin and made me feel good about my top half. Just leaning on my elbows with my chin in one hand and looking down and seeing a nice view that I can offer my dh. It's something so completely selfish with what I'm worrying about. But maybe because it's so small compared to some other stuff that is making it easier to be upset about. I have one nicely shaped left boob and the other side is a lumpy carved out radiated scarred chest wall with a cotton stuffed in my bra to try and make me look even. I hate it. I hate my body and how it looks now. I just sick of what this stupid disease has made me into.

Wordless Wednesday

Yes, I realize this is late. Do you know which child is mine?

I joined the Relay for Life for Vancouver!

Holy cow. It was an amazing experience last year and I wasn't in a position to participate but I am now. I shakily signed up to be a part of a team that is trying to raise money for the American Cancer Society. I went last year and walked in the Survivor's Lap and I just bawled. It was such a powerful feeling. I know I won't be able to walk 24 hours worth, but the goal is to have one member of each team on the track for at least 24 hours. I want to help. I want to decorate a luminaria and do something. I'll have more information coming when I have it. But if anyone is interested in learning more, I have a link for more info. Just go to this link and find out what you need to find out. Thanks for looking!

Support me in my Relay for Life!!https://www.kintera.org/faf/donorReg/donorPledge.asp?ievent=191640&lis=1&kntae191640=473919F646B04EF08643EEE458BB2E2F&supId=181388527

No surgery for now

I'm really disappointed but right now this is what has to happen. I really wanted to have the free tram flap surgery, but with our limited options, it just can't happen now. I found out the surgeon I wanted is not covered by my insurance plan and quite honestly, I don't want to go to anyone else. I don't trust why they would be doing it. Are they more concerned about the plastic surgery part of it or the reconstruction of my breast? I want to be made whole again and I won't settle for less than the best. It's a long surgery, long time in the hospital, long time to recover. It's a major inconvinience for everyone around me and I hate feeling like a bother or that I'm doing it for selfish reasons. I have a feeling there are a couple of people in my family that feels that way and I can't help letting that affect me. Plus, we have no money to pay for the drugs or the surgery itself, even with insurance paying a majority of it. I'm very unhappy to be stuck being Uniboob. But, you do what you have to do.

Very late Wordless Wednesday

Ah yes. Our siblings and their very interesting talents. My brother here is blowing his own horn. With his nose. We are all very proud.

Almost Wordless Wednesday

We just got back from the beach yesterday. We had a family camping trip at Cape Lookout on the Oregon Coast and stayed in yurts. (we think it's camping anyways. lol) Anyways, here's a couple of my favorite pictures. Thank heavens for Uncle John and Aunt Katie to entertain 4 little girls.

Smokey Mountains trip or Salt Lake City trip?

I belong to two different internet boards. One is for my breast cancer and one is a bunch of women that belong to the same church as I do. The breast cancer board is for those younger women that have been diagnosed with breast cancer and are either in treatment or are NED. The other one is for women that obviously belong to the same church. Both have members from different areas around the world. Each group has their own unique perspective on the world.

In February I went to a breast cancer conference for young women affected by it in DC. Got to put names to faces and bodies that I met in person. Had a wonderful experience and got to know several people better. I've been apart of the church group board for quite a long time and have met at least 10-20 of them and stayed in contact with these women on the board through everything imaginable. Each group has helped me out in certain ways.

The hard thing is that each group is planning get togethers this summer. The church group has managed to get a huge home in the Salt Lake area to borrow and at least 40-50 women will be in and out throughout a weekend in July. The breast cancer group is planning a trip to the Smokey Mountains in a gorgeous rental cottage outside of Knoxville, Tennessee. My favorite people from the breast cancer conference will be there and I think no more than 20 women or so will be there. I have a free ticket on Frontier airlines that I could use if I was able to go somewhere this summer. The question is, which would I choose? The breast cancer women have just breast cancer and being young as a common denominator. The other group has our church, being young mothers, the long time we have all known each other, and it's close and I have family in Utah.

I know which one I should choose, if I were to go. But honestly, I'd rather go to the breast cancer trip. I've never been to the Smokey Mountains, my bestest buddies that KNOW what I've gone through are going to be there, and even though we aren't the same religion, there's something about that group that I would rather spend time with than anyone else.

I can't afford to go anywhere anyways, but it's always fun to dream. I may have the airline ticket, but I can't leave my babies and my dh again. I took a lot of heat because I left in February for the breast cancer conference. Not from my dh, but other "family" members. As it is, I'm on both boards daily and it's so dang hard to listen to everyone chatter about the trips and what's going to happen and who's going and so on. So I have to ignore it and try to be interested in something else so it won't kill me to know I'm missing out on such a fun time. Dang, it sucks to be poor sometimes.

Wordless Wednesday

Once in a while I take a picture that just turns out right. This was one of them. One of my favorite animals at the zoo. I'm borrowing Wordless Wednesday from a friend. She does this every Wednesday on her blog and I'm going to try and do the same.

I'm calling in ugly today

Ever have those days where you aren't sick but feel emotionally sick? My friend on my breast cancer support board calls it calling in ugly. I'm whining big time here so if that's not your thing or you're rolling your eyes, just bypass this post.

I think it comes when I'm pmsing. I get really low moods and my "ugliness" comes out. I notice all the bad stuff. I went to two doctors this week and didn't know till I stepped on the scale that I have gained so much weight. I know I haven't eaten well, but that number jumping out at me on the scale really took me back. My fat jello arms are bugging me, chemo brain has made me forget, space out, or otherwise become a permanent blond like the kind that everyone makes jokes about. I'm terrified of getting lymphadema so I haven't done much exercising with my arms. I get tired quickly, and I know how I look with tri colored hair, braces, plain face, and extremely low self esteem. I was mistaken yet again for a man this week at Walmart by an older man. Nothing like that to make you feel like garbage.

So I'm off to drown my sorrows in some chocolate or Pepsi or something equally bad for me. Then the cycle starts all over again.

I want to be pretty for a day

You know how your mom always tells her kids they are beautiful? Well, mine did. I believed it too till I grew up and knew better. I know I'm not worldly pretty at all. I'm plain. I have thick glasses, braces on my teeth at 34, I'm chubby, ugly short colored hair, etc. I was mistaken for a man just this week and it's not been the first time. I know I'm not pretty and now my mom can't keep telling me that and have me believe it anymore. I'm old enough to know better and it totally and completely sucks. I'm a size 18/20 and in my mind's eye I still see me as a size 12. So it's a complete and utter shock to see pictures of myself looking like the fat cow that I am. It makes me depressed all over again.

Drives me nuts when pretty girls sit there and say they are ugly and wish they could change things. Do you know how hard it is to sit there and not say anything? Dang it!!!! I would love to be pretty for one day. To have the face that men want to stare at, the beautiful smile, reasonable body, etc. Just for one day!!!!

I'm really kind of discouraged

I'd like to try and join a CSA program or community supported agriculture program. The foods are oreganic, home grown, and you get deliveries every week during the spring through the fall. They have various fruits, veggies, herbs, and other goodies up for grabs. If I could get what I wanted, I would go for a whole share and get a big nice box of fresh goodies every week from the farm. I'd have a chance to get berries to make jam, veggies and salad greens for salads, and other fun stuff. Our family doesn't eat very well and I thought by joining this program that it would help improve how we eat. But it's late that I'm getting interested and it costs a whole bunch to join. I'm trying to get a food share scholarship but that's been really hard to nail down. I have calls and emails out to several farms, but so far I've only heard back from one. My doctors all say I need to eat better and what can be better than farm fresh organic fruits and vegetables? I just wish what I really needed didn't cost so much.

Up and down week, mostly down

Tell me to go take my meds. I haven't done it in nearly a week and I can really tell a difference. It was a hard week emotionally and then I forgot to take meds and I'm just having the hardest time. I'm sick of taking medicine all the time. Take my vitamins, my tamoxifen, Lexapro, spiro-something, and then in the evening, take some more tamoxifen. This is nothing compared to when I was in chemo. At any one time I was taking Emend(3 day round of pills costing $50), Benedryl, Vicodin, Percoset, Neulasta, Lexapro or Prozac, Tylenol, phenegren, AC, Taxol, Gemzar, muscle relaxers, and Ativan. Something to calm you down when you have anxiety. They would give it to me in my IV when having chemo. At one time they were even going to give me Ambien too because I got insomnia so bad. So up to 8-9 meds at one time. Half of them were killing me and making me so weak I could barely get up and the other half was supposed to keep me sane and not puking my brains out. Right now I'd give anything for my bed with fresh clean sheets and a percoset. Just go to sleep for awhile and ignore the world.