4th chemo treatment

Not too bad. I had myself all panicked that it would be like last time and I would get so sick afterwards. But I made myself drink a lot before, during, and afterwards and that helped a lot. I had to pee 3 times at the chemo center and so I know a lot is going straight through me. I'm so glad.

I had a routine visit with the doctor. My white blood cell count is going down, so they don't want me to become to anemic. So I start having shots for that along with my Neulasta shot every Friday after chemo. I'm halfway through my treatments and I'm done with the AC combo now. Next time I start the taxol and gem combo. The taxol along will take 3 hours to distribute into my system not counting the time for the doctor, the prechemo drugs, etc. So I'm bringing our dvd player with me next time and watch a movie.

I get inside the chemo room and look for my girls. I saw one ladies blanket and sat down opposite her against the windows. Most of the other chairs were empty which was unusual. They got my meds started and I got a chance to talk with Tanya, the lady who I sat across with. She's one of the few that makes me laugh. Her husband comes with her everytime and always looks after her and brings her food and goodies. Such a cutie pie. Mom went out and got both Tanya and I a slurpee because we were talking about how the chemo makes out tongues feel and I let her know that anything cold helped me and I indulged in slurpees a lot. She was intrigued, so Mom rushed off and brought us back cherry slurpees. If I can't have slurpees, I enjoy having crunchy ice to suck on. That helps a lot.

Later after mom left, and I was reading, I saw a lady come walk up to my chair. I had no clue who it could be. It was Donna! My other chemo lady. She had a wig on and I didn' t recognize her without her knit hat. I was wearing the navy blue one she gave me last chemo and I love it. I thought it would be hot, but it's wonderful. Anyways she stopped to say hi and then she went back to her seat. By now, the chemo room was packed and there weren't any good seats left. She got stuck in the worst one, a recliner, but not one of the really cushy ones. Since my treatment was up 10 minutes later, I came and got her and had her take my good chair over since I knew she was in for a long treatment. That way she and Tanya could chat after I left. Donna also has a wonderful huband and I think Donna is one of the most beautiful women I've ever met. Her skin, features, her stature all state what an elegant lady she is. Then she had on a really nice wig and it just completes her.

A bad thing happened at the beginning of chemo. A lady I was just beginning to know named Nancy was there for chemo. I saw her name on the list and saw her coming out of the doctor's room. Once I got to chemo, I saw her getting ready to leave without having chemo. I teased her asking if she had low counts. She wasn't looking good at all. She told me she had a catscan on Monday and her tumors have grown 25% since then. She was going to head to Seattle to see if anything could be done there. I was so shocked.

For me, I go in there for chemo for preventative medicine. My tumor is already gone. I'm doing chemo to make sure it doesn't come back. I totally forget that my case isn't the norm. Most other people are there having chemo to shrink what tumors they already have and haven't been removed yet. It really made me be grateful for what I have because if Nancy is having problems like this, it's not good for her in the long run and made cancer seem more real than just having friends to chat with while getting some treatments. You can only put off reality so long and then someone like Nancy comes along and you can't help but be forced to see that not everyone has it as good as you do.

Well, after chemo I had to pick up a package from a friend that just happened to live near a Krispy Kreme place. Now I had a great tuna sandwich while at chemo, but I was still hungry. So we went there because I was so hungry still and I knew whatever I eat on chemo day i never want again. So what better way to stop eating those nasty nummy yummy doughtnuts? Eat them on chemo day!! So I did. A couple in the car and then I ate the ones my mom told me to save for the girls. Then I went home, stayed up an hour or two and then went to bed. Felt so good! But I slept most of the time till 11pm and barely saw the girls that night. In a way it felt great, but in another I missed my babies. I'm so glad Jason was taking such good care of them. I think he feels the weight of the world on his shoulders, so I hope it doesn't have to continue like that for long. He has too much to deal with now.

Okay, off to Walgreens. I'm supposed to have Emend the day of chemo and two days afterwards. I haven't pick up the meds I need for today and tomorrow so I need to hurry and get them before I get to sick.

The lightbult went on --very long

I was writing in response to a thread on one of my internet boards that I belong to when a lightbulb finally went off.

She was writing about how she was having surgery so she wouldn't have any more kids. Through the course of reading her thread and then posting on it, it hit me why things have worked out for us the way they have. This is extremely personal and I dont' think I've ever really written out all the reasons why we stopped having kids and I'm not sure I can explain it right.

Jason and I waited to have kids when we got married. We wanted to just be the two of us and get to know each other a little while before we became parents. I wanted to be selfish and do spontaneous things and I didn't want to have kids just because I was married and it was expected of me. So we waited and when it seemed right for us, I got off the pill and we proceeded to try for a baby. I was off the pill for two months when we found out we were pregnant with Chloe. It was very easy for me to get pregnant. But I also was suffering from anxiety and depression and it was really hard for me after I had the baby. I had the baby blues and honestly I was very unhappy about my first birth experience. It wasn't what I had hoped for and I never thought I would have to have a csection. No one in my family had to have one and I thought I had failed. I didn't measure up as a woman because I had "cheated" and had surgery to have my baby. Forget the fact that the cord was wrapped around Chloe's neck and her heartrate was going down every time I had a contraction. Forget that I was in labor for hours and hours with hardly any change. In my mind I was still feeling guilty because I didn't experience what every other mother in my family had done.

So fast forward to wanting to have another child. We tried for one month and got pregnant. I couldn't believe how lucky I was that it so easy for me to get pregnant. I had my doctor that I wanted and I told her I wanted to try for a VBAC. But because of malpractice laws, she would not be allowed to be my doctor during my pregnancy. I would have to see a surgeon who would monitor me to make sure I was okay and could do the VBAC. Now I love my doctor. I finally had a doctor that I trusted completely and once I find someone I trust, it stick with them and I bond with them and she was practically family. Also, I was scared that I would end up having to have a csection anyways and what was the point of trying. Jason was worried about me and I didn't know enough to make the decision that I could really do a VBAC. So I caved and kept my doctor that I loved and saw a surgeon now and then so that I could schedule my csection around her schedule. That was another guilt. That I was planning a csection instead trying for a VBAC. I hear of so many women who are strong and can do this but I was weak and didn't even try.

It turns out that during my pregnancy towards the end, the baby was laying transverse and that she would have to be born via a csection anyways. I didn't have a choice in the matter. My baby would not have been able to be born any other way. So I accepted that and little Lindsey was born in November and she was beautiful and very healthy.

My mental health hadn't improved much. I still suffered from mental anxiety and depression. I was in a job that made me extremely unhappy and made me believe it to be worse than it actually was. Add that to having two toddlers, one of which screamed constantly and never could seem to settle down. The other was having issues with not being the center of attention anymore. It was more than I could handle. I called dh at work one day in tears and agreed for him to have his procedure so that we wouldn't have any more kids. Jason didn't want any more than two and I was not 100% positive yet. Until then. We prayed and thought about it and visited our bishop and the temple. We made our choice and didn't tell a lot of people. I felt so much guilt because here I am stopping having kids at two when I could so easily get pregnant. So many other women struggle and struggle and can only have one! My bestest buddy has tried for over 10 years to have one baby and here I am and all dh has to do is look at me and I get pregnant and I'm stopping at two.

That has bothered me for years and I haven't really felt so happy. I long to hold a newborn in my arms and smell that baby smell and nurse them and rock them and hold a brand new baby in my arms. It hurts to hear about someone on my board getting pregnant and I often don't comment or say congratulations because I'm so jealous and hurt even though I'm so happy for them. I never did understand completely if we were doing the right thing. But for us at the time it was right and I hope the Lord knows me better than I can understand me. I want to be a great mother to the two babies I have now and I don't think I could be that great a mother to more than that.

So here I sit now with breast cancer. I have one boob gone, I'm going through chemo, will have another surgery in September, radiation, and then have another major surgery next spring. My children are almost 5 and 2 1/2 years old. The chemo is killing a lot of the good cells in my body while destroying the bad cells and seems to have put me in a state where I can't have my monthly periods. I'm sick half the time and the other half I'm not keeping house very well, or being the best parent I can while all this is going on. And that's just with two children.

Here's the lightbulb going on.
I can't imagine being a mother to any more children while this is going on. If I did decide to have another child after Lindsey, I'd have gotten pregnant around the time she was 18 months old. That would have been a year ago. I found the lump in my breast in March 2006 when the baby would have been born possibly. I would be going through all this with a newborn. I would not be able to nurse my child or take care of them. Can you see that? Three children under the age of 5 and me with breast cancer. I don't know how I'm doing it now with two.

But maybe the Lord knew me well enough to know that back in the spring of 2004 when we were deciding to be done having children that it was what we were supposed to do. He knew what would happen to me in the spring of 2006 and that with my mental health and our situation, that I couldn't not handle having a newborn with all that was going to happen. This is such a new idea to me that I'm totally in shock. I never knew why it was time to stop having kids when we did, and I never got a voice that said "Thou art done!" or anything like that. Jason and I decided after prayer, going to the temple, and much thought that it was time. We knew that if anything changed, we could be foster parents down the road. But my body was done because it had a battle ahead that we never knew would come to pass. I would need all my physical strength and mental health to deal with this.

I could be totally offbase but I don't think I am. I'm not one to have dreams knowing that a child is missing from our table or have really strong spiritual moments. It's through trial, faith, and trust that my life has come this way. I don't think the Holy Ghost whispers to me more than he presents challenges or situations that I need to learn from and that's how I get my answers.

Ramblings of one very tired insomniac

I gotta go to bed. I hate being up this late and I haven't even had any caffiene today!!

Why is it that when I FINALLY start feeling good after a chemo treatment, that my stupid heartburn acts up? I'm not nauseated anymore and look forward to eating. But then heartburn steps in and makes eating miserable! I think my tastebud thing is coming back too. It seems like it takes a solid week before I feel back to myself after a treatment. Then I get this sudden rush and want to start cooking lots of food all the time. I made a chocolate cake that I probably won't be able to taste, got recipes out for future dinners, and made a homemade dinner for the first time in a while. I love to cook even though I struggle with it. I can make a few basic meals but I really enjoy doing them and I'm willing to try new dishes but I'm not very courageous.

I'm rambling again. I tried to go to sleep a little while ago. But as I was curled up on my side, it hurt a little bit. I felt around (I was laying on my right side) and realized that I'm pretty sure my tissue expander has moved. It felt like it has moved down further. I hope I'm wrong though. I'm usually careful about sleeping on that side since it used to hurt so bad. It just felt odd and not right. I would love for just one thing to go right in this experience! I don't think that's asking too much I hope. I didn't need to feel that stupid thing down where I'm not used to it.

I wish I didn't feel so scared and shy all the time. Ever since the surgery, I've really struggled with my job. When someone calls and wants to see an apartment, I put them off till Jason can do it. I feel awkward and shy. It takes forever for me to call and have any work done because I don't want to talk to anyone on the phone. I feel like hiding in my home and not going out till I'm back to normal and look like my old self again. I dread meeting new residents and interacting with them. It's so much worse than it used to be. I'm restless to go out and do things, but anything in close contact with people, and I'm more nervous than ever. I don't understand myself anymore. I went to a stamping party and made two cards. I swear it took me forever to do just one card. I could not get my brain to function. My friend asked me questions about chemo and I could barely answer her because I couldn't seem to form coherent answers. I felt like an idiot. I literally could not talk without pausing and having to think about what I was supposed to say.

I gotta get back to bed. If I don't fall asleep soon, I'm going to lose it. I don't want to depend on drugs to help me sleep. Last thing I need is that. :(

Well, I know why I felt so sick

Yesterday was not a good day. I had a bad headache on Sunday and went to bed with it. I took some percocet hoping it would make it go away, but all it did was help me fall asleep. It did nothing for the headache. I was still feeling sick and thirsty and had a bad headache throughout the night. I was really worried because I've never had a pounding headache like that all night before. My inlaws were able to pick up the girls at 8am and I stayed in bed and slept all morning. My mom came and took care of me in the afternoon but stupid me couldn't figure out what was wrong. I called the doctor twice and they said if I wasn't better that I should come in for IV fluids. I didn't want that at all.

It didn't hit me til M emailed me and said that after chemo I should drink and drink and drink. Once the chemo is in me, I need to drink it out. It flushes out the poison and makes you not feel so sick. I have barely drunk anything lately because I felt so sick. Well, that was the chemo sticking around in my system since I wasn't drinking it out. Duh, duh, duh. So Mom brings me soup and that tasted so good and I kept eating a little bit. I felt great almost immediately. I went to Walmart with her to get some bottled water and started to not feel so good. Too much too soon. So after Mom left, I went back to bed and slept some more. When I got up again, I had toast and a yogurt smoothie. I still felt a little sick, but not like before and my headache was mostly gone.

I swear that chemo has robbed my brain of intelligence. I should have known that the headache and sick feeling was because I was dehydrated. But it never occured to me that that was the problem. Just thinking of the cancer center makes me ill so I think that motivated me the most to drink and eat. I didn't want to go somewhere that reminds me of being sick or nauseated. Plus it costs money to go in and get IV fluids. I should NOT go in for something as silly as needing IV fluids when I could do that at home.

I feel like my brain isn't working at full function today. So if this entry is odd or doesn't make sense, I blame it on chemo brain. lol

I've got dragon butt

As my dad would call it. Or you can call it dragging butt.

I'm so completely wiped out this time around with chemo. The very thought of food makes me sick even though I'm taking all the right meds. I just want to sleep and sleep and sleep. I can barely stand to do things then I feel like I've run a marathon and have to rest for a while to get any energy back. I wanted to go to church this morning and see the girls attempt to sing in Sacrament meeting. I sat up there with them, but the rest of the meeting, my stomach was bothering me and I felt like I needed to go lay down. Jason brought me home and except for being a little in and out of it, I slept til at least 4pm.

I woke up in the morning still wiped out but so darn thirsty. I could have just turned the faucet on in my mouth I was so thirsty. I gulped down two big chocolate milks and had to bring rootbeer barrel candies to suck on during church. Then I didn't eat til after 5pm and could barely stand to eat the mashed potatoes and chicken my mil made. I could drink like crazy, but not eat so much.

I've not felt this way before with a chemo treatment. I don't know if this is normal or not. But I'm taking all my meds when I need to but I don't remember feeling this run down before. It almost seems worse with each treatment. If the nausea doesn't get any better in the next day or two, I'm going to call and see if I can get something more. Not only do I feel rotten physically, but emotionally, I'm totally drained. I feel completely empty inside. All I can do is cry or sleep lately. I wish I didn't have to have the girls around so I could just sleep for 48 hours straight. That sounds like pure heaven right now.

3rd chemo treatment

I found out with my first treatment, that anything I seem to eat while having it, I end up hating. I had a bagel with veggie cream cheese on that day and then yesterday I ended up having Wendy's fries, nuggets, and a frostie. Now the thought of it makes me want to throw up. Seriously. Somehow the soup I had the second time doesn't bother me at all. But anyways, I'm going to be a lot more careful now on what I eat on chemo days.

It was a normal enough appointment. I still am not losing or gaining weight of any signifigance. I"m happy because I don't any drugs that will make me gain weight. I got my seat that I had last time against the windows with my friends Donna on my left, Tanya across from me, new lady with salt and pepper hair that I saw last time, and Nancy around the corner from me. She came by to say hello. Nancy and I introduced ourselves about 3 times because we couldn't remember each other's names in the course of a 5 minute conversation. lol We blamed it on chemo brain.

It's weird to say that I kind of look forward to these appointments. Part of it means the treatment is going forward and it's one less appointment to go to and deal with. But the other part of me likes going because I get time with Mom and I get to be around other cancer patients. It's the only place I feel completely comfortable keeping my hats and scarves off and no one gives a flying fig. In fact when I went to sit down in my recliner and said hi to all my ladies, I took my scarf off to show everyone that my hair was gone. Now weird reactions, just total acceptance and like a welcoming into the bald chick club.

For some reason, after eating my food, I started to get really tired. Like beyond normal. I was a bit nauseated too. So I just closed my eyes and stretched out for awhile. I wish I had a blanket, I could have cureled up and had a nice little nap. I feel more wiped out and really tired this time around. Still have a bit of nausea today even though I took some meds for it. I look forward to the girls being at a Sister T's home today. I just want to stay in my jammies and either sleep or watch a dvd. I don't have much more energy that that.

I feel like I rambled a bit here. I'm not even sure of half of what said. I better drag my rear end off this chair and go start getting the girls ready for the day. It's taking twice as long to do anything so I have to start earlier or take lots of breaks.

Happy 2 month anniversary to me

On this night two months ago, I was drugged up on morphine and barely aware of my surroundings. I was just getting back to my room at 10:30pm and I sort of remember my dh saying he was leaving to pick up the girls and my mom said good night. I didn't have a boob, I knew things were bad because of a nurse telling me how long the surgery went and that they did a node dissection. Since that time, I've discovered that I had a tissue expander put in during the surgery. It has since failed, I found out with the dissection that I would need chemo, radiation, and so on. I have my 3rd chemo this week and I can't pay for the meds I need for it. My mom has to help out to pay for it since dh doesn't get paid till Friday and heaven knows when I'll get paid for the apartments. It's humiliating to have help but I don't think we can forward any more money from dh's next paycheck.

So happy anniversary to me. I think I'll celebrate by downing some mind numbing drugs and trying to get some sleep tonight no matter if it's drug induced or not.

Another fun side effect- can't sleep anymore

Why am I writing this? Because it's 12:13am and I have nothing better to do. How late did I stay up last night? Well past midnight again. I'm noticing even when I don't have any Pepsi, that I'm wide awake and not the least bit tired. Or I'm exhausted but my eyes are wide open and I can't go to sleep. My mind is whirling in a million different directions and it keeps me awake.

I miss sleeping. I miss having to pull my hair up on my pillow so it won't get tangled up. Instead, I barely move my head on the pillow because my stinking stubbly head hurts and pokes me. By the end of this week, I will have had to make the trip to Vancouver every DAY. Today and yesterday were pleasure trips, but until Friday afternoon, I have doctor appointments or having blood drawn or a shot taken. BLECH!!!! I could gladly do without all this garbage.

I want to go to sleep and cuddle with my dh and plan for a vacation. Instead, my dh is pulling all his vacation time in case any medical problems with me cause him to miss a day of work. My stupid medical problems have ruined any time off my dh gets this year. We can't plan to go to the beach for the day or even overnight.

Food doesn't taste good anymore or if it does, all I crave are homemade cinnamon rolls. I can't stand the thought of bagels anymore. Makes me sick to think about them. On my first chemo day, Mom brought me a bagel with garden veggie cream cheese because I was on a kick and loved them for a while. I want to throw up writing this down. Weird. Like when I was pregnant and got stuck on certain foods and couldn't stand other ones. I love Pepsi, but I'm ashamed and embarrassed to admit I think I would rather have a Dr. Pepper now. When I get an upset stomach, I ask for a Dr. P than sipping a Pepsi. I really have turned to the dark side now. Well, not completely, I'm not asking for Coke so I'm not completely gone....

Yet.

Church was good after all

Last weekend I stayed in bed and didn't really want to go to church. So this Sunday was my first time at church with my head shaved. I was so nervous and scared to go. I fussed forever trying to find a scarf to wear. I haven't gotten the hang of the big 35 inch scarves I just got, so I used a smaller black one with a gold design on it. We sat in the back pew like we usually do and I just wanted to cry I was so nervous. I haven't been out in a public setting like that with people I know except around family. I didn't know how anyone would treat me or if they would ignore me since I looked so different.

So I sat inwardly shaking as more people came in the door. Sister G came in who lost her son to cancer almost two years ago. She put her arm around me and asked how I was doing. I started to cry a little and said I was scared to face everyone with my lack of hair and new "headgear". She gave me a hug and said some very kind words and left me feeling a bit more confident. In fact I have been shy to even mention my cancer around her since she lost her son to it not so long ago. She is a sweet wonderful lady and every time something has been said in church, she would come up and ask questions specifically regarding my doctors, where my care was being done, etc. She was familiar with everything and didn't seem to mind. I was so worried about bringing back bad memories for her and her family that I didn't give myself the benefit of her wisdom of having been there, done that. I just love her and I'm so grateful she was the first person who saw me at church.

The second best thing happened during Sacrament Meeting. There is a young family in our ward with the father being a Portland Police officer and the mom has two young children who are a handful. lol He had to leave and she was left to deal with these two children alone. They sat directly in front of us. She has a little 18 month old daughter named Tyla. Tyla is a petite little white blond headed angel with big eyes. While her mom was busy reading a book to the other child, Tyla would start to wiggle behind their bench and look at me with her big eyes. I would hand her one of our books and she would go back and check it out on their bench. Then she would come back and look at me again. Her mom was struggling with the other little child, and since Tyla was inching her way towards me again, I wanted to catch her before she was out of her mom's reach.

I reached out to Tyla and picked her up and put her on my lap. Tyla immediately starts to hug me really hard. Oh, my gosh!!! That little girl was an answer to prayers. I NEEDED that hug so much. She was just giving me all of her and just loving me. I didn't want to let her go. She put a big smile on my face and I put her back so she could go to her mom. She came back behind the bench a little later and I again pulled her onto my lap. She again starts hugging me. I couldn't handle it any more and started crying right in the middle of church. Just this sweet little angel was hugging me for nothing more than to show her love for me. I was so in need of this and this tiny little girl was just clinging to me. When she went back to her mom, I had to go leave and clean up in the bathroom I was so emotional and crying.

Another thing happened at church. I was sitting in the RS room just before Relief Society started. The RS president came up and told me something wonderful. Now I have been to an ACS meeting and a young woman my age or round abouts was just starting chemo and had chosen to shave her head. She had a scarf on and at the end of the meeting as the presenter tried on a new hat or something on her, she took her scarf off and showed us her head. I thought she was one of the most beautiful women I had ever seen! Not the model type, but just her bearing and how she held herself with her obviously newly shaved head. You knew she was ill and undergoing treatment, but she looked beautiful! I think it was courage I saw. Because I see that in another lady I meet at chemo each time. This other lady has the most beautiful skin and I could stare at her for a long time with how pretty she is. She's bald and wears knitted hats but you don't see the cancer in her, you see the character. It's like the hair being gone strips it away even though the world may not see this person as beautiful.

Anyways, I'm not sure I'm explaining it well. But when Holly said that, I recognized what she meant, even if I'm not sure I agree 100% with her. (I think we are always the world's worst critic of ourselves) It made me feel good because I had seen that in other women with cancer and facing chemo and I didn't know if I was insane or not. But that wonderful sweet comment helped me stay in Relief Society instead of hiding out on the couch in the foyer.

So I'm glad I went to church today even though I was so scared. I know some don't understand my fear. But I feel like all my femininity has been taken away and I didn't feel pretty in the way the world sees women. My boob was gone and the current replacement was failing. My hair was gone and I was wearing scarves to cover my stubbly head. I needed to feel pretty in a way and the Lord didn't fail me. I'm so grateful for the prayers that got me to go today. I needed it more than they will ever know.

What else can possibly go wrong now??

I went to my doctor appointment yesterday. The planned one every week where I get a saline fill and I take percocet before hand so it won't hurt so much. Also, the same appointment where I find out if my tissue expander is leaking or broken. After waiting an hour in my examing room wearing a gown that doesn't begin to cover me up, the doctor shows up. She had an emergency at the hospital. Anyways, she confirms that it seems my tissue expander is at least leaking and it will have to come out after my chemo is over and before my radiation starts. So in September when Chloe starts kindergarten, I will have another surgery.

But she fills me up anyways. I can usually barely stand 75cc. Without telling me, she fills me up nearly to 100cc!!! Since I coudn't feel it, it just proves that the expander is leaking. I'm so angry!!!! I went through a whole lot of pain every week so that this expander could be filled and I could have a saline implant put in my ugly right boob. So all of it for nothing. I will have to have an extra surgery besides the ugly tram flap one to fix it next year. We can't afford it and plus, I'm angry it has to take another surgery to fix everything!!! I'm so sick of bad news. Every stage of this process has been one set of bad news after another. I was initially told they could try and save my boob, then I was told, probably won't take any lmyph nodes, then no chemo, then no radiation. BAM, I'm wrong, and I have to have it all. I don't know how to feel anymore. Every turn is more bad news and not once have I gotten any good news in anything!!!! I'm so sick of this.

Some days it doesn't pay to get out of bed

What a rotten awful emotional crappy day.

I don't know if I could have cried any more than I did today. I swear I'm pmsing or something, but everything bad that could happen hit me and I'm just been crying like no tomorrow. So many things hit me at once in my mind. The hospital bills, doctor bills, chemo bills, and even the prescription bills. $50 for just 3 pills that I have to have every two weeks. That's WITH insurance. I have to have a shot after every chemo treatment and if I didn't have insurance would run me $6000!!!! I don't even look at bills anymore because with insurance or without, we still can't afford it.

I feel so bad. I tried on a hat that a friend sent to me today. My hair is mostly gone but I still have some fuzz on top. So the hat goes on and my fuzz on my head grabs the knit material and I have blueish fuzz stuck on my head. Real attractive and embarrassing.

For some reason, last night I was doing something and came in contact with my right boob. I'm used to feeling the hard feel of the tissue expander and its shape. But it didn't feel the same. It was squishy and felt odd for lack of a better description. So I leave a message for the doctor and I will see her tomorrow at my weekly saline fill appointment. I'm scared to find out if the tissue expander has burst or leaked and it didn't work and all that pain I've gone through is for nothing. I will have to have another surgery to repair it and it will be for naught. I'll get stuck having that awful transflap surgery to fix everything and my right boob will look even uglier than it does now. I looked at it the other day and saw the ugly red scars. Not only do I have an upside down T scar where my boob used to be that is bulging with the tissue expander, I have a nice 3-4 inch scar just below my arm pit where they did the lymph node dissection. I look hideous!!! Add that to my lovely looking black peach fuzz shaved head, left huge boob, braces, and I'm a candidate for Miss America. No wonder I wanted to stay asleep all weekend and not get out of bed. I look like a damn freak.

I miss my friends

I miss my girlfriends. I miss having my bestest buddy nearby to do things with. I bring this up because no matter what, I love my mom and my dh and all my family. But when I was thinking of leaving the apartment after I got my head shaved, I wanted a girlfriend to go with me so I would be brave. I needed that type of support so that I would feel better. My dh did a great job, but there are times in your life where you need to have your friends around you.

I've made it hard on myself here in Portland. I've made it very difficult for myself to make extremely close friends like I had in the past. I think part of it is, if I don't have such good close friends, then I won't get hurt if they leave me. I suck with change. All best friends in the world are gone and it's soooooo hard. Even more so lately. I have my stamping I can go to once in a while, but I don't have a friend close by that I can call up and just shoot the breeze or go to lunch with. I have friends aplenty on the internet who have been wonderful to me and I just adore. But since I got breast cancer, I have wanted so badly to have a friend here in town like I used to have. It's hard to explain. I have a friend in town, but she and I have grown apart and chosen different paths. We talk on the phone once in a while and that's all it comes to. My bestest friends are all far away from me. T is in California, V is in Utah, even N is in South Dakota. I wish that one could be here to help me go through this. Someone to help me pick out hats, or scarves, or just do girl stuff with.

Stupid dumb hormones, now I'm bawling! I don't want my mom to feel bad or my husband because they have been so great with me through all this. But I miss my friends and it's hard to go through this without having my best friends anywhere close. I wish I had that back somehow.

I found my happy place

The past couple of days have kind of blended together. All I wanted to do on Saturday and Sunday was stay in bed. I was trying to ignore the fact that my hair was gone. So I stayed in bed and ignored the world. But I knew sooner or later I'd have to come out of the apartment. So we ended up going on a ride Sunday evening and ended up in Oregon City and visited with my inlaws and my mil's best friend. It was scary! Should I wear just my bandana, or my hat, or both? Is my big floppy hat stupid looking, do I look like a freak? So many insecurities. I don't think Jason realized how hard it was to leave the apartment.

I think I found my happy place. That sounds so insane to actually write it out. Don't laugh. I was at the Portland Rose Garden today and Jason took the girls down the hill to the park. I was taking pictures of the roses alone and entered the Shakesperean Garden and had a seat on one of the benches. I was the only person in this little garden area. The rose scent was on the breeze and I was in the shade and I just had this overwhelming feeling that I could have sat there forever. It almost made my cry to leave that place. It made me feel so good! The weather was perfect, the roses were in bloom and the scent was everywhere, the garden was beautiful, and I haven't ever felt that way before. It's just like this place was made for me. It wasn't the most beautiful part of the garden and in fact it barely had 2-3 rose bushes in it. But it was my... space for lack of a better word. I wish I could go back there and stay on that bench forever.

I have a new hairstyle now

I woke up today with hair covering my pillow. Not just one or two hairs, but covered! Then I would barely run my fingers through my hair and lots of hairs would come out. It was time to get my hair buzzed. This has put me in a depression. I knew it would happen, I was preparing for it, but it doesn't really hit you till you run your hand over your newly shorn head and feel nothing.

So Jason's aunt had set me up with an appointment today since we had contacted her yesterday. I was panicking because I only had two scarves and my mom had bought me hat at Target. I wasn't ready! So we hoofed it over to Nordstrom's Rack where they had nothing and then to M&F where I tried on several hats. Each hat I tried on I had to clean out since I left hairs in it. But I found a floppy beige one that would work and off we went to Canby. The little girls got their bangs trimmed and then it was my turn.

I didn't want to do it and I was really trying to keep my emotions under control. Jason didn't wan't to take pictures but I needed to have it done for me. So I could deal with the different stages I was going through. I look scared and sad in the pictures and that's exactly how I felt. In between pictures I was crying but trying not to. I let the girls touch my peach fuzzed head and they watched the whole thing. I know I heard Chloe say, " She doesn't look like Mom now". That hurt me but I didn't let her know I heard it. She's just expressing herself now. Even my aunt cried at one point. But I brought my pink bandanna and took a picture of me in it and with my floppy hat on.

As we were leaving, Sandra was great and didn't press me. I'm sure it was a hard day for her too. She did an awesome job. I kind of dozed on the way home and instead of going to lunch with dh and the girls, I just went to bed. I didn't want to see anyone or anything. I wasn't hurting physically, but emotionally I wanted to crawl into bed and not come out. My parents arrived later in the day and I went out and said hi. I remember showing them my head and then told them I was really tired and went back to bed. I didn't want to face anyone. I still don't. Sure the medicine is working and that's why my hair is gone, but right this minute, it doesn't matter. My HAIR IS GONE!!!!

My hair is starting to fall out & my 2nd chemo day

I'm really drained so if this doesn't make much sense, I'll get back to it later and try to do better.

I was getting ready this morning to take the girls to the inlaws's house when more hair than normal came out on my fingers while fluffing up my hair. So it started. Just a few more strands but I got upset about it. I started to cry in the car, and sweetie pie that she is, Chloe immediately wants to hold my hand and comfort me. Which is hard while driving down a busy street, but I managed and then Lindsey had to hold my hand since Chloe did. They did a great job making me try and feel better.

I swear the 2nd chemo experience took longer than the first. I got called back and it took a while to visit with the doc and get things settled and me examined. My wbc count is good so I was ready to start the chemo. I go back and get an ideal spot against the windows. I run into a lady I met last time and she was surprised to see I still had all my hair. I reassured her that it had started falling out.

Since I'm in this clinical trial for chemo, it took a while to get my chart ready with the results from the labs I had drawn yesterday. The doctor thought it would be best if I started coming in two days before chemo instead of the day before so that everything would be ready and no one would be scrambling for results again. Fine by me.

So I finally start and quickly got bored. I'm glad Mom brought me something to read. I talked once in a while to my friend that I saw and was happy to see the other lady show up for her chemo once I was about halfway through my IVs. In fact, Donna gave me a wig! A friend had bought it for her, but she didn't need it and she thought of me since it had my hair coloring. So I gratefully took it home and I'm not sure I will wear it. It's nice to have just in case.

I'm starting to fall asleep here, so I'm going to skip a bit. While I was in the examining room waiting for Dr. G to come, I tested my hair out. I was able to PULL some hair out in back. Not a few strands, but a lot. Not just something like when you are postnatal and some hair falls out. This was a big chunck. I did it in front and even more came out. I immediately started to cry and hid all the hair in the garbage. The saline fill went fine and I got another 75cc and did really well with it. I'm up to 480cc and going strong.

Once I got home, I was just done for the day. Like I had run a huge race and was really tired and exhausted and spent. I was finally relaxing after all the events of the day and I'm so glad it's over. I bought some stuff tonight and feel better. I bought a simple white denim hat and a cheap scarf on sale that came with a scrunchie, and I'm so glad. I'll have them here in no time.

I'm out of here tonight. I'll read this tomorrow and hopefully it will still make sense then too. lol