Finally said no to a doctor

I've always done what my doctors have told me to do. If I need a test done, I do it. If I need a procedure done, I make sure it happens. I've never said no, I'm not doing that, too bad. Well, I finally did it. I went and saw the physical therapist and was set up to go see her once the insurance approved it and my oncologist signed off on it. I had the appointment arranged and then we were hit with a monster snow storm here which closed down much of the city. It made me have seconds thoughts. I eventually just called the office up and told them I wasn't going to reschedule and I'm not coming back. I felt guilty, but I'd had enough.

For all I know, I don't have lymphedema in my side, I could just be extra fat over there. I was told to get some good jogging bras that will support me instead of my fat falling over the top of my bra and having the bottom of it cutting into my side. There's a good place here in Portland that measures and helps you find the correct mastectomy bras and get new fake boobs. I'm hoping my insurance will cover most of it, because ideally, I'd like to get 3-4 new bras, a prosthetic for swimming and a new one just for every day use. Realistically, I know I have to get one bra and anything else will be extra. But I can dream, right?

Struggling with weight

I can't go one day without my meds or I get really messed up. I didn't take all my pills on Friday night and yesterday my emotions were a mess. It doesn't help that I was already messed up, it just made it worse. It's very frustrating to go to an outlet mall hoping to get jeans and you go to a store and the biggest pair they have is in a size 12. I'm definitely NOT at size 12 and haven't been for a very long time. I feel like I'm at my biggest weight ever and I feel terrible about it. Add to the fact that the physical therapist I saw says I have lymphedema in my side and wanted to do therapy with it, plus the fact that any bras I have to buy are very expensive, it makes for loads of fun. It's not just a matter of going and buying a cheap $10 Walmart bra. It has to be specially made because I'm fat, I have no boob, and I have problems on my side. It all gets complicated with breast cancer.

My body hurts so much. I am 35 but feel like I have an 80 year old body. Everything hurts, body aches, etc. My hotflashes have returned and are as lovely as ever. As an added bonus now for my dh, intercourse is very very painful. Like losing your virginity each and every time. I don't like doing it, no sex drive from all the meds, and now when I do want to, it hurts like a bitch. I see pictures and see how big I am and I hate myself even more. I am running out of unemployment benefits, I'm bigger than ever, zero self esteem, and it's been almost impossible to find a job with my health problems. I feel utterly useless. I'm sitting here on a Sunday morning, too embarrassed to go to church. I don't know how to even start to get better.