Humiliating experience today at the mall

This may be a quick post. I have to go to the bathroom yet again.

I can't wait till I look more girly again. I had a bad experience at the mall today and it really made me feel BAD. I haven't gone very many places without a scarf or a hat. But I wasn't thinking too hard about it and when our little family left this morning to run errands, I attempted to "style" my hair and we left. I had no hat, no make up on, and no bra. The skin on my chest is still really tender and peeling and scabby and at time painful. So I wore a loose fitting shirt that I hoped would disguise the fact that I only had one booby and wasn't wearing a bra.

I had to go to the bathroom and went into the big new bookstore at the mall. I entered the restroom and passed a lady drying her hands by the sinks on my way to a stall. She stops me by saying, "You do know this is the women's bathroom, don't you?" I was so shocked and couldn't figure out at first what she meant and I just stared at her. I told her I KNEW that and then went into a stall while she tried to apologize. I was so humiliated!!! I didn't have a good comeback or even know what to say at all. I felt so terrible and so self conscious the rest of the day. I was sure someone else was going to do the same thing and I could almost feel myself cringing with every salesperson I ran into. I wanted to go home and hide or at least go home and grab one of my hats and shove it on my head.

The other fun thing is that I finally made a doctor's appointment for my bad back pain. I saw my regular family physician. We had a nice chat and to make me feel better, she ordered xrays though she figured it was probably muscle strain. Every time something starts to hurt, I get a little bit scared that it's cancer in a different spot. I try not to let it get out of control. During the course of our conversation, she told me she was getting me a new prescription. When my chemo stopped and my hair starting growing again, it came in everywhere. Including on my face and I also started getting teenage acne again. This prescription was to control the growth of hair on my face and help the acne. I knew that I had this problem, but I thought it would stop growing soon and I was just trying to wait it out. Anyways, one of the side effects is that it makes me have to pee all the freaking time. In the last hour, I've probably had to go 4-5 times.

Back to the doctor's appointment. Immediately after visiting with my doctor, I went and had the xrays done. The tech called my doctor and over the phone, she told me that I probably tweaked my muscle in the back and told me to start walking and stretching it out. I was so relieved it wasn't anything more!!! I just hope the pain goes away soon because sometimes it can just be so annoying. One more thing that I really don't need.

Discouraging Statistics

I go to a website for young cancer survivors. It's called Young Survival Coalition or YSC. It's a site for women under 40 diagnosed with breast cancer. It's been great to meet with these ladies and correspond with women exactly like me who are experiencing what I'm going through. I ask questions and they KNOW. There isn't anyone else around me that can do that. They don't take any crap, they give you the straight dirt. It can be very encouraging to be around women like that.

Bad news is that they got ahold of my snail mail address. They sent me a letter encouraging me to donate to their fundraising drive. They give a couple of horrible sob stories in their letter and then give these scary statistics. Well, for me they are discouraging. I want to research it more because it just gave me little hope. Here's what it said that was so hard to hear:

• More than 11,000 young women will be diagnosed with breast cancer
• Close to 1,400 of these young women will die
• There is NOT enough research done on young women diagnosed with breast cancer
• Only 50% of women diagnosed under the age of 40 will live 10 years past their initial diagnosis.

Are you freaking kidding me? I only have a 50% chance of making it past 10 years? That SUCKS!!!! I'm so angry that they sent this to me. I have struggled and cried and been so scared of doing the wrong thing this year and they send me this???? I have no clue where the statistics came from or what they include. Does it mean if you never did anything about your breast cancer you would die, or refused treatment, or only did partial treatment? Did it say the stages of cancer you had to be in that category or if the different stages or hormone levels matter at all? How dare they put that information in a letter to someone just barely hanging onto their sanity after going through a year of pure hell. SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (sorry)

I've been on my YSC site watching the progress of one woman in particular. She just entered the hospital and told everyone she had a good feeling she wouldn't be coming out. She wished us all good luck and said goodbye. It seems that since I got my diagnosis, I've known at least 4 women in my life get it too. It's like a sick perverse club or something. I should know better than to think how it could get any worse because as soon as I do, something worse comes along.

My New Years resolution is to make sure I never ask how much worse it can get. I should know by now that if you ask, I guarrentee it WILL get worse.

I've been tagged!!!

I've never been tagged before and I don't know the proper ettiquette of passing this along. But I'll name 5 people and they will have to, as I am, tell 5 embarrassing things or other things that no one else knows about you. Should be fun.

1. I sucked my thumb till I was 8 years old
2. I've only kissed 3 boys in my life and none of them till after I turned 21.
3. I used to go to pro wrestling matches with my dad and I regularly watched WWF/WWE matches on tv when I still lived at home. I even got the magazine when I had the money. Long live Hulk Hogan and Macho Man Randy Savage!!!!
4. My dream is to be able to play the piano like Michael Allen Harrison and dance like all the dancers on "Dancing With the Stars". Oh yeah, in my spare time, I want to do gymnastics like Mary Lou Retton.
5. This one is the worst, or most embarrassing. There is a story to it. But last time I was in Utah, I was convinced I was going to meet the Prophet. I left Utah totally crushed that I didn't.

The story is funny and sad and pathetic at the same time. I went to Utah because I was going to visit my sister and her dh and go to Salt Lake. There was a huge year long exhibit on Joseph Smith and I am so enthralled with him. Anything historical with him in it and I want to learn all I can. So I went to Utah. This is the embarrassing stuff. I had my purse or backpack with me everywhere I went and I always carried a little Book of Mormon with me. The reason was, I was determined that I was going to meet President Hinckley and I would need something for him to autograph. My copy of People magazine didn't seem right, neither did a plain pad of paper. I wanted him to sign something I would be proud to show off to my children.

I was able to go to Temple Square and tour all around it with my sister Kristen. She had a friend that worked at the Church Office Building so we went to visit her. I kept an eye out in the hallways and peeked in doors whenever I could so I could meet the prophet. Down in the lobby while Kristen was talking to someone else, I kept looking everywhere, convinced that I would see him. I even went outside and sat by the fountain and WILLED him in my mind to look outside and know that the needed to come downstairs and meet with me. He would know who I was because, well, he's the Prophet. I fancied that I knew where his apartment was and tried to think in my mind how to get there and go knock on his door.

Reality set in and I had to go home. I didn't get to meet the prophet and I literally wanted to bawl. I was so sure he would meet me while I was there and I would shake his hand and I would get his autograph. I believed it so much I thought it would come true.

There, now you all know even more embarrassing stuff about me. Besides the fact that I sleep with a stuffed Froggie and only have one boob. lol

I know pass this off to Tanya, Corey, Sarah, Misty, and Emily. If any of you read my blog, you've been TAGGED!!!!

Time to see a different doctor

A couple of weeks ago I hurt my back. We got stuck inside our apartment because the locking mechanism in the door froze up on us. So I had to move a bookcase out of the way of the other door to get out. Not smart since it was fully loaded. But it was only being moved like 3 feet so I figured I was fine. Then I got the bright idea of sleeping on the floor of the girl's room to help Chloe feel good about sleeping in her bed. So I'm in a sleeping bag on the floor with a back that doesn't feel so hot. This is a bad combo. So now my back aches in the same spot it did before all this fun stuff with breast cancer. I honestly didn't feel it this year but then I figured out that I was on lots of drugs this year and that probably took some of the pain away so I couldn't feel it. Well, I'm not taking anything but Tamoxifen and something else which is making my back pain come back full force.

I think I'm going to have to go to the chiropractor now. He's a great guy but I don't know what good it will do. Last time I was there, he wanted to take xrays and see if there was something wrong because nothing was making the pain go away. I think he'll want to do that again and I'm not sure I want to do that. I can't deal with something else being wrong. Isn't that stupid? The likelihood of it being even remotely serious is almost nil but then, so was the lump I found in my breast in March. I'd love a day where I was pain free.

So I'm off to call the chiropractor and see if he can get me in. Even if he does an adjustment, maybe that will make me feel better. I hope he lets me bring a little pillow in. I can't imagine having to have an adjustment and being lopsided on the table at chest level. Like having a table leg at the dinner table just a little bit shorter than the other ones. Jason tried to pop my back the other night and it nearly killed me.

Update on my chest. The last 8 treatments of radiation were all dense dose treatments which means they focused solely on my scar. If you draw a line around my scar, it looks like a funky sombrero. Now the rest of my chest is healing, but the scar is bright red and owie. My skin is peeling and flaking and nasty. I can't feel that area since it's numb, so I don't pay attention to it. I checked last night and I peeled some skin. That left the skin underneath bright red and actually a little painful. I guess I can feel something after all. I slathered the prescription cream on it and hugged the frog all night. When I turn over on my side, I hold Froggie close so that nothing hurts my chest and I have that protective soft stuffed animal close so it won't hurt.

Off to make Oreo truffles soon. I'm almost sick of baking now. My house is all cluttered and I just want to dump it all and start over again. I'd just keep our beds, dressers, my rocking recliner, and the couch. Though I'd like to change that up too. Just do it all over again and change everything. Make better choices.

Ding Dong! Ding Dong! Ding Dong!

That was me ringing my bell yesterday morning. I finished all of my radiation treatments, rang my bell, got a scroll, and I don't have to come back for at least a month. My mom met me there with my brother and dad. The boys watched Lindsey and Mom came back and watched them set me up and get me all positioned. Then when I was done, she was right outside the door and watched me ring my bell. Going to radiation yesterday, I was a weepy soggy mess but once I arrived I handled it fine. Nanny and Mom brought me roses and Jason had flowers sent to me since he decided not to come. So I have 3 really pretty bouquets at home for finishing all this.

It's kind of weird. They need to hand out manuals on how to deal with life after treatments are over. What to do, how to do it, etc. It's hard to go from constant daily and weekly appointments to maybe one appointment in a month or so. Like you've left the cancer building and shoved out the door into the cold. What do I do with my life now? There's a huge void now and I've got to get myself under control and back to a better "place". My emotions are really messed up and I know I need to get better. Maybe that's the next phrase of my treatment is getting the psychological treatments done.

To my favorite bishop's family

I hope I don't get too mushy here or make a fool of myself. lol

There is a wonderful family in our ward that I just love. I don't want to say their name, but they are the bishop's family. There isn't a member of that family I don't adore to pieces. From the moment we came to this ward, they have supported and loved us and always had a "Hi Sampson Family!!!" and a smile when we came in the door to church. When I dropped off my dd at their home to be babysat by a nonfamily person for the first time, they didn't laugh at me when I had to sit in the car and cry my eyes out. We are fiercely protective of our girls and only have the best babysit which is why we chose this family to leave our daughter with the first time. B took such good care of Chloe and I'm grateful. I had both C and L in my Sunday School class and even though they were in with a group of their friends, they always seemed to listen and pay attention and that meant a lot to me. I even heard later that one of them said that they enjoyed my class. I wanted to cry when I heard that. I dont know J very well, but when my girls are at their home, I know that they adore him and after they get home, they constantly talk about him. We even had to go get them a Woody doll because J had one and that means they had to have one! lol B & E are the best babysitters and my girls ask for them by name and want to show them their pretty dresses when they get new ones. They take my girls to the park and always have them so active and having fun. A is always talked about and has a happy smile whenever we see her plus I have a braces buddy to talk about how painful it is and the joys associated with it. I choke up thinking of Bishop and A. A has taken care of my girls while I have gone through this struggle with breast cancer without a moment's hesitation. She cares for my girls like no one else and I look up to her and all she accomplishes. I want to be A when I grow up if I ever do. lol She has that quality about her that is so ...eternally special. I could sit and listen to her for hours. Bishop has taken care of us and took special interest in us when I felt unneeded and unwanted. I don't just feel like he's a bishop around us, but a friend besides. It also helps that he likes the same Diet Pepsi drinks that I do! lol He's a wonderful sweet man who has done more for my family than I could ever hope or dream of.

I am so grateful that the Lord has seen fit to gift my family with the bishop's family. I don't think I could ever say this to them without sounding like a fool so I write it out here.

Merry Christmas to my favorite bishop's family!!!! We love you tons.

I locked myself in

Didn't think it was possible? Think again. lol

We have 3 doors that go outside. One in the bedroom, the front door, and one to the kitchen door. We blocked both the front door and the bedroom door with bookcases or a dresser to add more room and get things out of the way. We use the kitchen door for work, so we just use that for getting in and out all the time. Lately I've noticed that the bottom was hard to lock but assumed it was because of the cold and the fact that the childproof cover made it difficult to turn. Well, Lindsey and I got home from radiation the other day and I locked the door behind me once we got inside. A little while later I tried to go outside to get the mail and the door wouldn't budge. I tried everything and nothing would make it move. I ended up calling the locksmith and my dh. I had to move a fully loaded bookcase out of the way of the front door to get out eventually. Next time I will empty it out because now my lower back is hurting again. So Jason got home and finally got the lock off. I bought a new lock from the locksmith yesterday and Jason installed it last night. So now we are safe and sound and back to using the kitchen door and not trying to squeeze out of the front door.