Laughing till you pee your pants

Ever start talking with your girlfriends and you just get insanely silly and everything is hysterical? I mean you laugh so hard you think you are gonna pee your pants? I almost did that tonight.

I'm on another internet board where all the moms are my age and LDS. I brought up that I want to celebrate my "cancerversary" with a boobie cake. I have this idea stuck in my head that I MUST have one and now I'm trying to get prices for seeing how much it would be for a bakery to make a boobie cake. We were chatting and everything was getting so silly. I said something to the effect that I couldn't really afford a real bakery cake, let alone a boobie cake. Then I thought, I only have one boob, so maybe I could get the cake half off. For some reason that cracked me up and I could not stop giggling. Half off, one boob!!!! AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

A very nice proper LDS lady has offered to go order me one. Now I just have to be brave enough to go pick it up if I actually order it. Now that will be a pretty picture.

A year ago yesterday

This is from my first blog entry on here a year ago:

Sunday, March 12, 2006
So I am much more humble this weekI don't like to speak in church unless I feel really good about the topic I'm speaking on. Plus the fact that I have enough cohesive material to go with it. My talk today is on humility and I had a week's notice. It's been buzzing in my head all week to do this talk and I pulled some info out earlier to get together. But it was late last night that I finally wrote everything out and put it in a talk format. The topic is on humility and so many things in the past week have spoken about it to me. Bishop spoke in his testimony on humility, the FHE lesson on email this week was on humility, and then the big fun experience this week for me on it.

I was taking a shower the other afternoon and found a lump in my breast. I was fiddling with a zit I saw and felt lower down and something seemed different than the rest of the tissue in my breast. I wasn't too concerned at first since our family has no history of it and I just seem to young to have anything wrong. I thought breast cancer or problems like that happened to older women, not to someone who will turn 33 in less than a month. So I ask if I should go to the doctor and everyone says yes, even if it's just for peace of mind. Well, I go and the doctor finds the same lump. I'm not just imagining things, something really is there and needs to be checked out. I panicked inside when I heard I needed a mammagram, but since it wasn't scheduled for later that day, I figured if I had to wait 10 days for it that it's not that bad. My other breast has problems of its own and has to have some tests on it. My stupid boob leaks milk every now and again and they are concerned about that.So before Friday, I was fine. Going about like nothing could happen. But something simple like a possible health scare has me really looking at my life.

My trip, part 3

After the first very boring session, we had a break and then a reception in the exhibition hall. They had little finger foods to eat and drinks. I had a little bit but it didn't fill me up. I sat at a table with the non drinkers and had fun listening to everyone's stories. Afterwards, a few of us were upstairs in the lobby area trying to figure out what there was to do. So we found out that there was a Chili's a few blocks away and we headed out. Teresa, Kat, Cathy, and myself. One baldie, one with fuzz, one with just two inches of hair, and me with maybe 3 inches of hair. We sat down and it didn't matter that two of us were nearly bald. It was no big deal. I loved it!!! We just sat there forever talking about each person's treatment and life in general. It was a lot of fun. We had to walk back and found a bunch of the board members getting wild in the bar. So we sat with them for a while and I decided that I was done. I don't like to hang around people when they are drinking because I don't do it, I don't want to be a babysitter, and I wanted to be by myself for a bit.



I got up to my room around 11:00pm and could tell that my roommate had arrived in town. Dace's bag was on her bed but she was gone. I took a long hot shower and started to go through all the goodies I got from the exhibitors. I hear a knock on the door, and in comes my fellow sightseeing buddy Jacki and my roommate Dace. They knew each other and had gone out for coffee and stuff after the reception that evening. So Jacki sat in a chair and Dace and I were on our beds and we talked for like nearly 2 hours. Then Jacki left and Dace and I chatted a while longer. Dace lives in California so we both were on West Coast time and it only felt like 10pm instead of 2am.



We woke up and hurried to get ready for the morning activities. They were having a welcome and opening remarks by the heads of the LBBC and YSC. After that was a plenary session concerning medical updates for young women affected by breast cancer. She was a great speaker, but the subject matter was stuff that I already knew about or had a general idea. That makes me feel good because it means that I researched breast cancer fairly well. I sat with Dace, Jacki, Cynthia, Kat, Cathy, and Cynthia's husband. I think there were a couple others, but I can't remember. We chatted after the plenary session and through breakfast. After a break, there was another plenary session by Julie Silver. It was about enhancing quality of life through better nutrition and exercise. Everything she said made perfect sense and I'm so glad I brought my paper and pen along. I took down notes and after that session, I went to the exhibitor's hall and bought her book. What she had to say and the way she spook was the reason I came to this conference. This is what I wanted to learn and study and get to know.



We had a lunch next. Everyone received a box lunch from the lobby outside and we chatted and networked inside the huge ballroom where the plenary sessions and opening remarks were being held. After that, they told us about the group photo they wanted to take. We managed to squeeze close to 800 women in this tiny space for a photo. All the women with breast cancer were together and then the caretakers and everyone who came to suppor

t us went upstairs and took pictures. The official photographer took pictures on the same level as us but standing on a platform of sorts. It was a moment that is hard to explain. My heart goes in my throat each time I try to explain it. Just a very powerful feeling. Like I had a special group of sisters and we were in it together.



Afterwards, it broke up and I started to go upstairs to my room. I get on the escalator and see my little group from my breast cancer support group getting ready for pictures. So I'm waving at them to wait while I race up the escalator and then down the other one. I run over and ever

yone laughs. Poor Cynthia or Steph's husband had about 15 cameras in front of him taking pictures of us for each person that wanted it. My little group is from the YSC bulletin boards and we've all gotten to know each other through that. We were the largest private group there. There were 30 of us in the picture with at least 10 ladies not present in the picture. The official photographer noticed us and started taking pictures too. Linnea would pose all sexy so he got on the floor and pretended to get up close and personal with her. It was great. Everyone laughing and getting along.

Why do I care what my mother in law thinks?

I'm in a big emotional mood today. My body is betraying me and bringing me down. It must be that time of the month or something.

I'm really struggling with my mother in law. I want her to like me and I know she doesn't. She puts on a great face and knows the right things to say and do when out in public. But she hurts me so much. If I didn't care so much, she wouldn't hurt me so much. I'm over the crap she pulled when Jason and I were dating and when we first got married. She said some pretty mean things. I'm over the attitude or lack of emotion she showed when we announced we were pregnant for the first time. (she didn't acknowledge it and changed the subject)

When I first found out I had breast cancer, she was great. Was very willing to take the girls for my doctor appointments that I had to go to. She's not an emotional person but she's great at taking charge. She's an excellent grandma so I never worry about my girls when they are there. But since summer, I've noticed a change. She was upset when I went to visit my friend in Gig Harbour the day after a chemo treatment. I was on the taxol/gemzar treatment, so the effects didn't hit me till about 3 days after the chemo. I was excited to go since this was the first type trip I had taken since this whole adventure had started. She thought I was insane and basically thought it was irresponsible for me to leave. Someone else would have to watch the girls while I was gone. I hate that I had to explain to here why I needed to leave. I didn't do anything strenuous while I was gone and I was in very good hands.

After that, I became more leery of her. Just tried to be watchful of her and having her not watch the girls too much. But I let it go and I started to fall in the trap of believing that things were okay between us. I guess I wanted to believe that she was okay with me again. Nope, that got smacked in my face more than once. She never asks how we are doing, only about what's going on in her life and how things affect her.

The worst was this trip I took to Washington DC for the breast cancer conference. Jason and I both knew that she would not approve and we kept it from her for quite a while. I found out that she knew I was going on some type of trip and it was associated with church and it would be in California. But she wasn't going to ask me about it. We finally told his parents and the reaction was very similiar to what has happened in the past. Harlo didn't say anything to us until my mil did and then he parroted what she said. Some remark that barely acknowledged that I was going. Jason wanted me to go on this trip and he pushed for me to go. He found the forms, filled them out, and made me turn it in. He was almost more excited than I was for me to go. But it seems that all his mom saw was me abandoning my family to go play and party and we were spending money we didn't have. I got a scholarship to pay for 95% of this trip and Jason took vacation days so that he could be with the girls. We had it all arranged and I made Jason promise that he wouldn't let his mom babysit the girls.

I stayed that extra night to have a nice hotel room to myself, to rest from the crazy day at the airport, and to get a voucher so we could go on another trip in the future. It was worth it I thought. But it ended up that she had to watch the girls until I could fly into Portland on Monday. I really think she hated that. When I came to pick up Lindsey, she was acting really stiff. Just told me the basic info about the girls from that morning and didn't ask or question me about my trip. I thought it was odd but left it alone. I find out later from dh's nephew that he questioned her about how my trip was. She said she didn't ask and she didn't care to know. She also said if I came back saying I missed my girls that I was lying and it wasn't true.

I was so angry that I called dh up at work and told him I wouldn't be contacting her anymore and that I didn't want the girls there at her home if that's how she was going to treat me. I don't trust her anymore. I don't know what to believe! Is she being truthful with me or acting one way and talking about me behind my back? Jason called her and asked if everything was okay because I felt something wasn't right when I picked up Lindsey. She lied and said everything was fine. We haven't been back since.

Why the hell do I care what this woman thinks? Why does it bother me so much to know that she's saying such rotten things behind my back? It's almost like she thinks I'm lying about the treatments and stuff I'm going through and resents me. She'll never say it to my face, but that's what I gather from her actions and attitude. I hate it!!!! What do I have to do to make things better? I don't want my girls to lose their grandma, but I refuse to allow them to be in a place where she might be pumping the girls for information or telling them things. I don't know if she is, but I don't want to give her a chance.

Is there a cardiologist on board? (few quick notes)

On the flight to Denver, I spoke with an ob nurse about breast cancer, as well as when I was in Denver. A gentleman and I were waiting to board, and we spoke about my bc and his girlfriend's cervical cancer. When we were starting to descend into WA DC, the flight attendant got online and warned us about the turbulence. She let us know if we felt better about it, we could kneel down and hug our seats to make us feel better. Uh, thanks.

On the way home, from WA DC to Denver, we had a medical problem with a passenger. As soon as we got in the air and sort of leveled off, the guy headed for the bathroom and didn't return. After about 20 minutes or so, someone let the flight attendant know and she went to check on him. She had to ask if there was a doctor or medical person on board and eventually someone went up as did a cardiologist when one was asked for. They had to get oxygen out, blood pressure cuff, and stethascope. The guy made it out of the bathroom and had to lay down in the front part of the plane by the door. We were asked for blankets and all the pillows we could spare to make him more comfortable. Seats were rearranged so that the medical personnel could sit by him in a seat in case he had any more problems. I thought for a while we might have to divert and land elsewhere while he was taken care of. He managed to make it to Denver where there were paramedics waiting to take care of him.