I'm grasping at straws to be positive

Gotta think positive, gotta think positive.

Despite the fact that we learned today that the radiatior that has to be replaced and won't be ready till Tuesday and costs over $500, I'm doing okay. I made sugar cookies yesterday and frosted them today with pink homemade frosting that tasted so good! I also got a wonderful little package today from a friend on my breast cancer support group for younger women. Just simple homemade scarf/hats that she made, but they are the style that I like and wear most often. 5 of them and my two favorites are the all black one and the darker material with little sparklies in the fabric. I immediately wore that one when it arrived.

That carried me through the day. Then my inlaws picked up the girls and watched them from the time Chloe got home till Jason and Lindsey arrived home around 8:30pm. Chloe got to spend the night. I was able to walk to 7-11 and get a big drink and watch Friends dvds by myself in my big rocking recliner. So nice!

This week still sucked, but today was okay. I'll take it especially after the past two weeks have really been so terrible.

Panic is starting to set in

There's too much going on and I can slowly feel the panic starting to set in. It's like it's bubbling underneath the surface and I'm just waiting. Chloe has to get to school in the morning, I need to do work stuff, take care of Lindsey, get over my cold and sore throat, plan dinner, clean house, do laundry, worry about various family members and what's happening with them. Try not to get too paranoid about my mil and every word she speaks to me. Go to radiation, make sure I have someone to watch Lindsey during that, see if the car is ready, turn in the rental, pick Chloe up from school, keep my temper, and answer the phone for work.

I'm so close to losing it. I keep breathing fast and I want to cry. I don't know how to make it better though!

What I'm grateful for (NOT!!)

Things to be grateful for:

• My fil didn't have to go to the hospital THIS week. He was in twice last week.
• I got to see the friend of mine that sang at our wedding this week. Unfortunately, the occasion was a sad one since it was a funeral for her sister that died in a car accident.
• The residents I can't stand moved to a different apartment far away in the complex. The girl had friends over and the police had to be called since they got to rowdy and were angering other residents.
• We still have a rental car for a car fender bender a couple of weeks ago. It wasn't till this week that we were able to have the car fixed and therefore got a rental car.
• I don't have an infection in my breast like I thought, but I have developed the sore throat and cold that's going around our family.
• My cousin is recovering from the ectopic pregnancy she found out about. Unfortunately, she is also trying to get over pneumonia.
• I was able to see an old chemo buddy at the cancer center on Friday. Too bad she was there because she was having a CATscan to see why she's on her 3rd different chemo and if it's helping her tumor shrink or not.
• My mom got back from Utah after visiting my sister and bil. I'm glad she had fun with them and getting ready for the baby. I'm sorry to say she's on her way back to Utah for a family funeral this Wednesday. My great uncle's son went to bed and didn't wake up in the morning.
• My grandma made it through her surgery just fine this morning. At almost 92, this is a major victory. The surgery was to take care of the mass that was found in her intestine. They got the mass but found out that it was cancerous.

So I lied. It hasn't been a great week. It has been a lousy week. This all seemed to have taken place in the last week though it may have been in the last two weeks. It's all blurring together now. The cold thing I don't get. I mean, I had chemo this summer that weakens your immune system and I don't get sick. It's almost two freaking months after that, and I get a cold? A stupid cold two months later? I saw 3 different doctors last week for 3 different things plus I started the first of 36 treatments of radiation. I found out some bad things about a friend that has made me feel very cautious around her and I hate that. I had a resident angrily yell at me recently because she thought I was out to get her kids in trouble and get them evicted. I'm not out to get them, they are doing it to themselves. But I've never been treated like that before. I didn't let her see how I felt, but I bawled after she left. While she was in my face, I kept my cool and that adreneline was pumping. I gave back calmly as good as I got. They I shut the door and nearly burst into tears.

Honestly, a couple of good things did happen. My favorite flower lady brought me flowers from her garden again. I'm so gonna miss that this fall and winter when she runs out. lol Also, a friend from the internet remembered that I was looking for pink ribbon things that my dh could wear at work that wasn't too girly. So while she was at the beach, she found a pink ribbon tac pin for Jason and a pink ribbon charm bracelet for me and brought them to me last night. It was great and so cool because I wasn't expecting it at all. :)

First radiation appointment

I got my first treatment today. You know when you build something up in your mind and once it's over you feel exhausted? That's how I felt once it was over. I had so many questions, I was paranoid about moving, didn't know what to expect, so I was running on adrenaline this morning once I arrived at the cancer center.

Cool thing, my chemo buddy Tanya has her rads at 11am and since my appointment was at 11:30am, I was able to see her for a few minutes. It was nice to talk to her. It turns out she started just last Thursday, I started this Thursday and my appointments when they start will be at 10:30am. I'll be able to see her every day for the next month or so! That made me happy. Once again, she's got the headstart and can tell me what to expect since she's a week ahead of me on rad treatments.

I was met by a rad tech, and was introduced to another one. Altogether there are 3 of them and I will get to know them really well over the next month. The ones I met seemed pretty cool. Today was a long visit. I was in the rads room for the first time. The machine is HONKING huge. The best way to describe it is there is a flat table where you lay down and stretch your arms over your head and grab these two handles right behind your head. The machine is behind you and it has a part that look like a swinging arm lamp above you. Except that it also rotates all the way to the ground on either side of you too. I had xrays taken, I was drawn on again, and had to lay still for essentially 45 minutes while I was tugged at, moved, photographed, etc.

The actual radiation treatment was very short. My right chest area was exposed, plastic wrap put on me, and then something like a brass blanket was laid on top. The saran wrap was laid out because they can't wash the blanket since it's brass, so they put something beneath it to prevent it from getting germs and stuff on it. The top of the machine got close to my chest, and then it beeped, then steady loud beep for about 10-15 seconds. This was done at 3 different angles and then it was done. It didn't hurt, I couldn't feel a thing.

I will have 36 treatments which will go through Thanksgiving. My next week as a crazy schedule until next Friday where it will settle down. But for the next 7 treatments, I went at 11:30am, then 1:20, 11:10, 1:10, 11:20, and finally I will settle at 10:30 next Friday. From that day on, each treatment will be at 10:30am. Yeah!!!

Feeling very morbid tonight

I went to a funeral for a young lady today. The family used to be in our ward and we used to know each other's families really well. She died while driving to or from Rexburg to visit her sister at school. She fell asleep at the wheel and rolled her car. She was only 18 years old. I didn't know her personally, but I used to be good friends with her older sister RaeShel who sang at our wedding and her older brother Aaron. It was such a shock to hear of her passing. This is the second funeral in less than 6 months for a family in my parent's ward or used to be in their ward. This one was packed!! There was standing room only in the way far back of the culteral hall. Tons of pictures of N all over the place and you could tell she had a lot of friends as did the family. Everyone was there to support this family.

It was different than any other LDS funeral I'd ever been to. I was thinking the whole time that I want my funeral to be this way. Usually funerals are solemn sorrowful affairs but this one there was laughter, beautiful music, and a different feeling to it that was at times wonderful and at others felt like another production put on by this acting family. I really liked the opening hymn, "God Be With You, Til We Meet Again". There was the talk about the purpose of life which was good since I know that over half the people there were not members. But then instead of a eulogy, two siblings got up and talked about N and gave some wonderful and funny memories. There was an incredible musical number with all the sisters and sister-in-laws. N's sister RaeShel has the voice that would make you cry she's so good. It was a powerful experience to hear them all sing. Then N's parents got up and gave some memories.

That's when I felt the service take a turn. The father is a good actor but he seemed to be putting on a show of sorts. Maybe I just don't know him well enough or maybe I didn't think it was appropriate, but I didn't like how almost rowdy it got when he talked. But that's just him and that's the way he wanted to remember his daughter, so if it made him and his family happy, then I'm glad. It's just not what I'm used to I guess.

The whole service got me thinking about how I want things when I pass away. I liked that opening song, I liked how the memories were done instead of a standard eulogy. The musical number was great. My dad was with me and he said it reminded him of an Irish wake. Well, that's what I want. I want laughter, smiles, good memories, and only good tears not sorrowful ones. I want to be buried earlier or later, but I don't want my casket there. That's all you stare at when the casket's there. You don't remember the person, just the place where their body is. I want to be remembered alive, not dead. I don't know if that makes sense or not. I don't like seeing a dead body because my memory of that person will be forever tarnished by that. And I know that that person isn't really there anymore. I'd rather remember someone while they are alive.

It's such a hard thing to think about now, especially since I got diagnosed with breast cancer. I was really scared for a while that I was going to die. I don't think that now. Now it's just an annoyance because the problem isn't done being taken care of. But when I was diagnosed, I did something kind of private that I don't know if I ever told anyone about. I went to the cemetary where my grandpa was buried and had a little "talk" with him. I don't think it matters what I said, but basically it came down to the fact that I was fearful that I would soon be seeing him. I was very doom and gloom inside when I first heard the diagnosis and every now and then I still feel that way, especially after today. But then I think of my girls and I won't allow myself to think that way. I'm NOT leaving them while they are young. I WON'T!!! I'm gonna be an old broad in my 90s before they are rid of me! lol

Another thing that stuck in my mind after the service today is something one of the siblings said. This girl who died was very unique. She said what she thought, she tried things no matter what others thought, she lived life her way and the hell with everyone else. They encouraged others to be courageous and I want to do that. I want to try something that I've always wanted to do but never had the courage to do. I know my limits though. I'm still not going to make the Olympic gymnastics team no matter how I try, I won't ever play symphonies on the piano, or sing the national anthem at a baseball game. lol But maybe I will learn to play guitar or jump out of an airplane, or get my degree, or try new things. It couldn't hurt, now could it?

Can this week get ANY worse???

Great!!! Just what I need this week.

TMI ahead. I have paper tape on all the scars from my surgery last month. Dr. Gray put them on telling me that it should help minimize or reduce the appearance of scars. On my left boob is a scar that looks like an upside down T. I had tape on everything except right where the junction of the two scars meet and have gauze over it because gunk still is coming out and I was expecting that. I was taking the tape off for a shower this morning and I also took the gauze off. There was a little bit of green gunk and when I checked out my breast, I noticed in the mirror that it was red over half of my boob. Not a good sign with the two of those things together. I have a feeling that I might be having an infection. This really really sucks.

I'm just waiting now calmly to see what else can happen this week. We are still waiting to get our vehicle fixed from the accident because the other insurance company finally accepted that it was their fault and are sending us a check. I have a couple of teeth that are hurting when I chew food on one side of my mouth which means a trip to the dentist possibly, I have to call the doctor tomorrow for an appointment about the possible infection in my boob, my fil has been in the hospital twice in one week for two different problems. One time was for a kidney stone that he couldn't pass and had to be blasted, the other reason was because his heart went out of rhythm and wouldn't go back in. I had an awful time dealing with a horrid resident and trying to get everything fixed with her. Dh is struggling and finally starting to crack with everything going on. I'm trying to work through some depression and make things better.

This all happened this week it seems. Some days I just don't want to get out of bed.

Hair, hair everywhere

My hair is coming back in. This is a good thing and a bad thing. I managed to go at least 4 months without having to shave my legs or my armpits. I think in another couple of weeks, I'm going to have to dust off my razor and start shaving again. I really enjoyed that break. I picked a great time to have chemo anyways. Right during summer time when I wouldn't have to worry.

I have lots of fuzz on my head now. It's very soft and I see both white hairs and dark. I don't know if I'll look like a skunk when I'm done or what. Chloe was rubbing my head a while ago and said that my hair's going in a circle. So it's long enough to go in a direction! That's progress, right? Lindsey loves to cuddle in bed and pet my hair and give me kisses on top now and then. So cute to watch her do that.

It's been a stinky weekend

My boob still hurts at times. I went to the doctor today and she wants me to keep tape on my boob where she cut into me. That will minimize the scarring I guess. I keep it on and change it every 5 days for 6 more weeks. The nurse gave me some stuff to spread on the scars to minimize them. Thank goodness for samples otherwise a 2 oz bottle would have been $40. Dr. Gray also filled a prescription for me since I used up all my leftover Vicodin from chemo for this past surgery. I'm proud of myself. I could have had her give me an earlier prescription for pain meds for the surgery and had lots of heavy drugs but I didn't. The boob is still hurting but it's more nagging and annoying than it was in the days right after surgery.

It seems like when it rains, it pours. We were leaving the church bookstore parking lot and we got hit by another car backing out of a space. Scratched up the passenger side and ripped our bumper nearly right off. The girls were nearly hysterical and the car, Jason was really upset, so I took over and got all the information from the driver. We had a witness and funny enough, a cop car was in the parking lot and was there immediately. We didn't need him though and he left shortly afterwards.

I'm having problems with a few residents in the apartment complex. Major issues with them and the mother of the problem resident that basically rented the apartment for her underage pregnant daughter came and yelled and screamed at me. Ripped me a new one and accused me of singling out her kids trying to get them evicted. She seems to think her kids are angels when they are pains in the ass. I could go on and on about the problems these kids cause, but what good does it do.

Apparently when we moved to Oregon, specifically Multnomah County, we werent' aware of a special county tax. We may not have paid that that year that we moved here, so we are now possibly having to come up with this tax that we didn't pay and I'm not quite sure where that money is going to come from.

Radiation starts Friday, the 13th. Great. I hope I have a vehicle by then that I can drive. After dealing with the nasty resident, I called my boss and told her what happened and that the lady would be calling her in the morning. I also told her I can't do this again and if it does, I don't know if I can handle it and that I will quit. She calmed me down and we settled things. I hung up and proceeded to bawl my eyes out. I suck at confrontation. Usually I will either cry will confronting someone, or I will hide in my room and do it afterwards. This time I was able to hold it in till they left and I was alone.

I'm just done. I don't know what else can happen! Geez! Our car gets hit, I get screamed at by an angry resident, we might have to pay this previously unknown tax, more pain from surgery, new procedures starting this week, etc.

Don't look into the mirror!!

Good things about today. I got a lovely drug-induced resting time. I layed down late this morning and just rested in bed. I was in and out of it and would have happily stayed that way if I didn't have to get up to pee and I didn't feel guilty for being in bed. I wish I could do it again. Also, I got a loud pounding on the door. I peeked through the blinds and saw that someone was delivering flowers. Since it wasn't a resident bugging me, I thought I would answer. I figured it was for the neighbor lady since she was also expecting a package of some kind already. But they were for me! Just a simple small arrangement that put the biggest smile on my face. It got even bigger when I saw who it was from. Uh, who has their orthodontist send them flowers? I've never heard of that before, but that's who my flowers were from!!! How in the world did he know that I had surgery last week? I think I vaguely remember saying something about my chemo ending in August or something like that. It's crazy!!! I'm definitely calling the office tomorrow and giving my heartfelt thanks to them.

Yesterday I thought I was doing good and when Jason was helping me by changing my dressings, I peeked down to see how my new boob looked. From the top you can't see squat but what I did see was higher up and looked ...perky. So I'm feeling brave today and go to take a shower. Which means I took all my dressings, bandages off, and checked myself out full in the mirror. Worst thing I did all day.

I have angry red scars, nasty looking steri strips, black stitches, a drain coming out of my side, and my funkiest looking breast you've ever seen, make that two boobs. One is still Stubby but even stubbier and sunk in, and the other has been carved up and the areola is not anything I recognize. I was still too scared to touch my chest to the warm water in the shower and held a wash rag in front of me. I still have my drain in and felt like I needed to hold it in one hand while showering. I didn't want to let it drop to hold the washrag in place, so my chest didn't get as clean as I would have liked since I was so worried about catching the fabric on a stitch, getting something wet that shouldn't be, and so on. The rest of me felt great though.

Looking at myself in the shower was awful. Your breasts are such a part of you that makes you feel feminine. Mine are carved up and ugly and painful. So any high I was on today is gone. I'm a mess again. I don't look pretty, I don't even look okay, and I definitely don't feel beautiful or okay. I just cried and cried later. I still feel like doing it now. Hearing someone say that it gets better later is just peachy. But I'm living in the NOW, I don't want to hear about later.

Recovery is good

I'm doing much better than I was expecting. My last surgery was huge and painful and I thought I would be in so much pain than I was before. But it's like Dr. Gray said, compared to the mastectomy, this was a piece of cake. Still hurts at time, but nowhere even close to what I had in April. I wish it was calmer here. I think it will help when Chloe goes to school tomorrow. As much as I love the girls, they bring a lot of chaos here and it's hard to relax when there's a lot going on. I'd love for them to go to Grandma's for a couple of days so I can have some more naps. I absolutely love taking naps! I get all my pillows arranged and set up and I could sleep for hours. Just not the same at night.

I'm still trying to be cautious though. I don't want to do too much and regret it later. So even though I feel good, I'm going to try and be careful and not overdo it. I wish Jason could stay longer. (sigh)

Time for more meds, antibiotics, and getting my dressings changed. Can hardly wait for the next day and all the fun stuff that comes with it.