Appointment #2 down, 3 more to go

I had a mammogram on Monday. I mentally prepare beforehand to expect bad news. There just seems to have been so much lately. A part of me is constantly thinking I'm going to have a recurrence and it's just a matter of time before it happens. So it almost would seem like a relief if they found something and then I'd stop worrying and wondering and be able to fix the problem. Probably sounds dumb and completely irrational.

I went to the Breast Center at SWMC. They have a great clinic and it's very calming and comforting. My mom met me there and watched L in the waiting room for me. So I go and have it done. I think the usual practice is to have it done and then be on your way and they send a form in the mail to let you know if anything is up. But every time I've gone in, they check the films immediately while I wait. I'm so grateful for that. The nurse was waiting for the doctor to check it out and she was in the middle of a biopsy, so it took a while longer for the results.

Since they never know if the doctor will want a better look, I'm in my kimono top in the dressing area waiting to hear if they need more films. It's got a super cushy couch with quilted wall hangings that are so gorgeous. The lights are kind of low and their is calming music playing. After a while, the nurse comes back and says I'm all good and I don't have to come back until next year. THANK GOODNESS!!! When I finally showed up in the waiting room, my mom was starting to get concerned. She figured that with the long wait, that they may have found something and needed further treatment. Nope, I'm in the clear!!

Susan G Komen Race for the Cure

This picture look familiar? I walked in the 1k race last year with my inlaws on a team started by relatives of a neighbor. This year I saw the forms and with finances the way they are, I knew there wasn't a chance of going. I saw the signs like this one in downtown and tried to ignore them. I tried to convince myself it was too crowded and frantic last year and that I really didn't want to go. I was really sad about it. Then the thought came of trying to start a team and I got really excited about it. Then it turns out the dh's work already had a team and so we were too late. Then my friend Danica died and I fell apart. I didn't know what to do but I HAD to do SOMETHING!! I've lost too many friends this year to breast cancer or had people I know diagnosed. It's not right! Most of these women I know are younger than me with little babies that will never know their beautiful courageous mothers. I felt so helpless and lost.

So Jason and I gritted our teeth and put the registration amount on a credit card and signed up for the race as individuals and not a team. We are going to do the 1k walk again like I did last year. I felt so exhilarated and proud that I could do this. My friends that can't do it, I hope they are proud of me. I'm standing for something that I truly and wholeheartedly believe in. This year Susan G Komen is changing their idea. Before it was trying to get more attention to mammograms and early detection. This year it's all about finding a cure. When they explained that at our conference this year, we stood up and cheered. I feel like doing that myself. About dang time.

The race is in Portland on September 21st around 8am though other races are going on all morning. I'm completely out of shape but I don't care. The race in Portland is one of the biggest in the country and I'm going to be in the heart of it all.

This is for those I've lost this year: Cathy, Melinda, Lola, Jayme, and Danica. This is for those I know of who are suffering from it now: Becky, Tanya, Sue, Frances, and every other friend I've "met" on my internet boards. Too many to count sadly. I'll be thinking of you all when I'm out there.

Doctor #1 update

So I went and saw my surgical gyno yesterday, Dr. Forsythe. She's a cool cool lady and I'm so grateful I was referred to her. She immediately puts you at ease. I went to see her because she wanted to check on me and see how I was doing on Effexor. Yeah, not so hot. Or rather, extremely hot. The hot flashes are getting to me. They are awful. So we talked about it and I let her know how I was doing. I switched from Celexa to Effexor and my dose was supposed to be 37.5 mg. Didn't do the job, so I went up to 75mg. Not working so hot, so she doubled my dose to 150mg and hopefully this will make the hot flashes get better. Plus, it's also an anti anxiety/depression drug which I need anyways, so I'm killing two birds with one stone.

I went to a meeting tonight and my body aches from my hips down. I don't know why! I wasn't standing for a lot of time, nothing unusual happened. But also today, I've had zero energy and a headache and just felt like I could barely move. I just didn't care about anything. My mind was on the east coast in Queens, New York and my heart was breaking. I think that's why I was hurting today. All my mental and physical defenses were down and I just honestly didn't care about a single thing at all.

My friend, Danica

My friend Danica Martinez died two days ago. I've wanted to write this message down for awhile, but writing it down makes me more real and it still feels like a dream. If it's a dream, I can still believe it's not true and think that she's still alive. My friend Danica and I met on the Young Survival Coalition bulletin board. We were not especially close, but we were connected by our common bond of breast cancer. She's a fiesty young single mom who got out of a bad situation to eventually come down with breast cancer. She fought it like crazy. I've never seen anyone fight so hard. I met her the first time in Washington DC when I went to the breast cancer conference. She looked like she was recovering and doing well. I would be on the bb with her and hear her comments and so on.

Then she found out she had contracted chemo-induced leukemia. She was constantly in and out of the hospital with chemo treatments, infections, and other problems. She never once gave up, she fought like a fierce lioness to be with her children. A group of us made up a list to see who could send care packages to her weekly. She adored getting cards, letters, anything to cheer her and her kids up. I was able to send something to her in May or June. She found out her good friend was going downhill and would not be getting better. Against her doctor's advice, she left New York and flew to her friend and was able to make the last few days of her friend's life a comfort by being there. She was holding her hand when she died. Danica also against medical advice flew to our breast cancer conference in Jacksonville this year. She moved painfully slow and had her scarf on and obviously looked ill. But dang it, she was determined to be there! lol She wasn't going to let breast cancer take her down or dictate her actions. When she left, she was being wheeled down the airport by another friend. My dh saw her and told me. I ran after her and gave her a hug and told her I was so happy to have seen her and spent time with her. Then we said goodbye...

Danica needed a bone marrow transplant to stay alive. In the past few weeks, we tried to step up as a group and get drives going. All of us who have been through hell were unable to help her out since we were ineligible for transplants. We would have done it in a heartbeat too. I know I would have. Danica has mixed blood in her, she's part Hispanic and that made it doubly hard because very few people were on the bone marrow registry with that type of results. So we took it on ourselves if we were able to, to get the news and attention out there.

Sadly, it didn't work. While waiting for a transplant, Danica was given powerful bouts of chemo to keep her alive. Her heart couldn't take it and she passed away 2 days ago. When I found out the news, I immediately fell apart. We weren't best friends, but she was a special sweet powerful woman to me and I would have done anything I could to help her. Yes, I loved her as a sister in the fight against breast cancer. We were mothers fighting to be with our children. Danica cried often because she didn't want to leave her children. I know cry because those sweet children don't have their mother with them anymore. I know I'm not Danica, but everytime a friend passes away, a part of me dies with them. How do I know I'm not next? Can someone promise me I will see my children's next Christmas let alone see them graduate from high school? I struggle with wanting to try to live well because I just feel like I'm dying inside.

I can't think of Danica without my eyes welling with tears and feeling lower than I've felt in a very long time. I don't want to let anyone forget about her, ever. She meant so much to me! My friend is dead. It's not real, but it is! I'm so angry, so incredibly angry that I just want to scream and hit and fight. But at the same time, I want to wave the white flag and give up. Here's the website we started for her, please look at her wonderful happy face. I wish I could have made her whole. I miss her so much. http://www.danicamartinez.com/

Memory Lane

I'm copying this from my friend Heffalump's blog because she is so cool

1. As a comment on my blog, leave one memory that you and I had together. It doesn't matter if you knew me a little or a lot. Anything you remember!

2. Next, re-post these instructions on your blog and see how many people leave a memory about you. It's actually pretty fun to see the responses. If you leave me a memory about me, I'll assume you are playing the game and I'll come to your blog and leave one for you.

Busy month

I have 4 doctor appointments of some kind this month. Well, one dentist, but then I have a mammogram, a visit with my radiation oncologist and then my medical oncologist. I need to call and get my meds fixed for my hot flashes, so that's a visit with my surgical gyno and I haven't been to see my regular doctor in many months. I want to get everything updated and meds working right. I know that my Effexor is working for hot flashes, because I forgot to take it one night and the next day was terrible. But it's still not great in the evening time. I'm sweating buckets and I hate it. I'm just hoping that it's because of summer and will get better as time goes by. I need to talk to my medical oncologist because I have lingering doubt about lymphedema on my right side below my armpit. My side feels ...soft. And not just fat soft, but soft in a lymphedema sort of way. I'm not sure what to do about it so he needs to know. I now take calcium tablets, multi vitamins, iron, spironolactone, Effexor, and Arimidex. Then it feels like when I take them all, I get stopped up down south and so I take senna kot. With everything, that can be up to 9 pills depending on the day.

*update* I made an appointment with my surgical gyno on Thursday. Hopefully the meds will get straightened out.