Definitely having surgery now, June 9th, here I come

Well, it's been decided. I went to see Dr. Forsythe yesterday and I'm definitely having surgery. Just not the kind I thought I would. But anyways, L and I went to the office yesterday and Mom met us there. She watched L while I talked to the doctor. I wasn't sure if she would want an exam and I really didn't want L to see anything.

Dr. Forsythe is awesome. I'm so glad I go see her. Anyways, she comes in and I tell her why I want to have an ooph. She listens and then tells me, why not do the whole thing? She gives her reasons, including some embarrassingly obvious ones that I had forgotten, including the stupid period from hell. So we talk it over and decide that I will have a hysterectomy. It has a really long name, Laparoscopic Supercervial Hysterectomy(LSH). It just means that they will go in through about 3 tiny incisions and take out everything but the stump of my cervix. She said to keep that to help with sexual activity and to keep up the wall within or whatever it's called. I've already forgotten.

Anyways, I was prepared for an ooph, but was shaken when she said the hysterectomy. But I kept it together until I left. I've gotten really good at that. Do well at appointments and then shake in the car. The doctor said that she would put me as the first case of the day. It will be on June 9th, Monday morning. I go to SWMC and have to be there at 5:30am. I will be home Tuesday afternoon/evening, she said she could even arrange it so that I wouldn't be released until Jason comes to pick me up after work. Whatever worked for me. She's trying to be very accomodating. I think she's wonderful. I'm in planning mode right now. Trying to figure out my babies and if I can handle things on my own if Jason has to go to work, etc.

I feel such peace now. This whole week has been full of emotion and drama and once I had gotten it decided what surgery to have, I felt so much better. (After a good shake and cry in the car that is.)I was almost elated, not excited to have surgery, but happy to have it decided.

I am upset about something. I was planning to have a GWO with friends about 2 weeks later after surgery. I've decided not to go because I don't think it would be fair to my family. Go have surgery, be in the hospital, rearrange their lives to accommodate me, and then recover at home. Two weeks later, leave for a fun weekend, and leave them all at home. Not right and I would feel terrible about it. So I stay home and wish like crazy I could be there. Then there's the other part of this. I know we stopped with two kids for a reason and didn't have any more. I've been sad but okay with it. But now, knowing I will never ever be able to physically carry a child is hard to deal with right now. It's one thing to decide not to do something, but something else to know the choice is being taken away from you. It's like mourning all over again.

Do you ever feel like you don't belong?

Stupid freaking hormones. I'll be glad when they are all gone.

Do you ever feel like you are back in high school? That you want to be confident and happy and with friends? But in the back of your mind you feel like the ugly geeky kid that will never have a chance to be with the cool kids? It's my own personal doing that makes me feel this way. My self esteem is shot and I know that. I make myself feel that way, no one else. I have my mind set what I think is the cool group whatever the heck that means. And I know I'm not a part of it. I see myself and wonder why the hell anyone would want to be friends with me. I'm fat, I'm not funny, I don't have much, I'm whiney, got health issues, lazy, I'm incredibly shy, no self worth, and I don't know what I want in life. I'm so envious of those who know who they are and what they want. It may be the simplest things, but they KNOW and they go after it. That's incredible to me. To have drive and focus and say what you mean and stand up for it and not be cowed by opinions or who's more popular or whatever.

I'm rambling now. I hate to be vulnerable and I opened myself up in a way today that made me vulnerable. I hate that! I hate to feel bared open with no defenses. So now I want to go hide and pretend I didn't say anything because heaven knows it will probably be taken the wrong way.

Six month oncologist appointment

I had my 6 month visit on Monday with my oncologist. My levels seem fine though he says I'm a bit anemic. I told him of my desire to do the oopherectomy. Honestly, I'd be fine with that or the hysterectomy, either one. He said that I'm perfectly within my rights to do it. He can't say do this or that, but he did say that the aromatise inhibitors have a 20% better chance of preventing reaccurence then tamoxifen does. I can't have those AIs until my ovaries are gone which is a good reason why I want to do it. He did a very thorough exam and after being worried that he felt something that shouldn't be there on my right side under side, he said I was fine.

So I leave and get in the car. I want to sit and cry like I always do but I didn't. I kind of wish he would be a little more ...something. I don't know what. Maybe not take things so laid back and act like things are no big deal. But then, I think of stuff like this 24/7 and he doesn't. I shouldn't expect him to act the same way.

I have my visit with Dr. Forsythe tomorrow. She's the gyno surgeon that will help me make the right choice on whether to do the hysterectomy or the ooph. I'd be fine with the hysterectomy, but it means more money, more time of dh being out of work, and me being more away from my babies. But for me personally, I'd rather do it and get every last bit of female parts out of me. But I can't do things out of fear.

Surgery in my future

I have a couple of appointments coming up next week. I see my oncologist for a 6 month check up on Monday and I see the gynocologist surgeon on Thursday. I had another period that was a normal one for once. Not too incredibly heavy or anything. I never know how it's going to be but I always prepare for the worst just to be on the safe side. In the midst of it, I got fed up. I got my courage up and called the surgeon and said that I wanted to schedule a time to do an oopherectomy. Doing this would take out my ovaries and I wouldn't be taking tamoxifen anymore. It would also put me into permanent menopause and I would start taking different cancer drugs, potentially better than what I was taking before.

The surgeon's office put a potential sugery date of June 9th down. Then they called back and want me to come talk with the doctor before hand so she can get reaquainted with me and talk with her and make sure that's what I want to do. So there is the slight possibility this could turn into a hysterectomy, but I'm not thinking so.

I have many reasons for wanting this surgery. I want to prevent every bit of estrogen from having a chance to give me cancer. I want to never have to deal with wondering if this month's period is going to be a heavy nasty disaster or a normal one. I can handle the hot flashes and what comes with that, I've done it before, doing it again is no big deal. I don't want to have to go to the doctor's office to have a biopsy wondering if cancer has come back in a different area.

Mostly I'm scared of cancer again. I know I can handle it. But I've seen my friends on support boards get cancer again, either a recurrence or it appears somewhere else. Not everyone makes it and it's so damn hard to watch a friend die. That happened recently with two lovely wonderful ladies with little children. Those children will not have their mothers around and may not even remember them. I don't want that to happen to my children. I want to be around forever and drive them crazy. So I guess you could say it's selfish reasons that I want it. I'm scared and I don't want to deal with periods.

But I see my oncologist on Monday and let him know what is going on and get his opinons. My surgeon said she would do whatever I wanted. I just hope it all works out.

I'm getting the itch for reconstruction again

I have a friend named Jen on the YSC bulletin board that just had a DIEP flap reconstruction. She lives in Idaho but no one there does that type of surgery. She had family in Portland where I live, but no one here does it either. She went to a Dr. Isik at Swedish Hospital in Seattle to have it done. She had it on 4/21 and got home in the last couple of days. She entered the hospital on a Monday and left to go to a rented apartment on Thursday. I think she was in that place for about a week recovering before she went home.

After hearing her story and hearing so many others doing this, I'm getting the desire to do this again. I want to be whole again! I want to have a womanly shape without having to strap it on. I love wearing V neck shirts, not deep V necks, but the normal kind. Can't do that now. I don't have a swimsuit to wear that supports a fake boob and I haven't had a new suit since I was married. Not getting one now. But anyways, I start listening to her story and I asked her a bunch of questions. I wanted to know if it hurt, how could she stay away from her kids, who stayed with her, where did she go after surgery, etc.

This surgery is not just about me. If I did this, I would have to be gone from my children. There is no one in Portland that does this type of surgery. I know that person in Seattle does it, a lady from the breast cancer conference in San Francisco does it, NOLA does it in Louisiana. My ideal is to go to Seattle since I have heard so much about this doctor and have the chance to meet some ladies from both the YSC board and also from my private church mom's board. Plus, it's closer than anybody else.

I started dreaming about it and allowed myself to get excited. I even did something totally stupid. I called my mom and round about asked if she would come to Seattle to be with me when I had the surgery. Bad idea. It didn't go well. She said she would support me, but she doesn't think I should do it. Not really. She has too many worries here to deal with being with me. I know that, but dang it, it really hurt. I don't want to ask my dh because I want a parent here with the children so they wouldn't be scared or worried, and I think he would be bored. Plus, I saw him cleaning me up after my surgery and how much he didn't want to and he looked like he was going to throw up. I don't want that again. Anyways, I felt hurt that if I did this, my mom really didn't think it was a good idea and couldn't really be there for me. It was like a major pop to my balloon in a sense.

I must be pmsing, because I just bawled after I got off the phone with her. She says she can't be away that long from my grandma that has medical issues, I get that. She says she would have to come down and check on her and back up, etc. But I have to say I'm jealous and wanted my mommy. But then I just remembered, she just got back from a trip to see my sister and her kids in Idaho and she managed to be gone over a week and didn't have to come check on my grandma once. Is it priorities or is it she doesn't fully agree with my surgery and therefore it's easier to refuse to help? I don't know, but yeah, I'm jealous of wanting her attention.

Then reality sinks in. There's a good chance the surgeons I want don't take my insurance, I'd be away from my babies too long, I'm more scared of surgery now, someone would have to keep the girls, dh would have to work, take care of the girls, etc., and finances. So that brief little flicker or excitement is gone. It would be so exciting, but I have to face the facts that I'm not likely to be able to have this surgery. It breaks my heart, again to know it won't happen. Every time I get excited, then I realize that it won't happen, and I bawl all over again. Like I'm doing now.

For those who don't know what a DIEP flap is, here's a link: http://www.breastcancer.org/dictionary/d/deepinferiorepigastricperforatortissueflap_t.jsp

Brain MRI results

Before I went to the ER last week, my doctor wanted me to have an MRI. She wasn't sure what was causing my headaches but wanted to be on the safe side. So I finally go in for it and as I'm getting up off the table, I get the results. Once the test was over, I stayed on the table for a few minutes while they checked the results and called my doctor. She called me and let me know everything was fine and it probably is just stress. I'm very grateful to know everything is fine. But I sat in the car and started to cry afterwards. You get yourself so worked up to prepare yourself in case anything is wrong, you try to expect it so it won't hurt when you get the news, and then you hear you're fine. But I'm also still upset and worried that all they can tell me is that it's probably "just stress". Why all of a sudden is it hitting me? I've had stress for the last two years and never had them before now. My doctor then proceeds to tell me that I should go have more dates with my husband. Oh, okay, THAT'S going to make it all better. Why didn't I think of that before?

Also, just because I like to keep track of things, I had migraines Wednesday and Thursday. Thank goodness the Midrin kicked in once I got that stinking visual aura.