Almost another trip to the ER

We wanted to clean and change the girls room around. Unload the bunkbeds and keep them seperate. Their room is hard to manage, so it was tricky. Anyways, I was unscrewing the side rails from the top bunk. First three sides were fine and then the last screw on the last side was stuck a bit, so I reached inside on the bottom and helped it along. Bad idea. when it finally got loose, the rail fell and smashed into my finger. I screamed pretty good and grabbed my finger and said a few things I maybe shouldn't have. Oh my heck, it hurt so bad. I finally let go of my finger to see a bunch of blood. Great. I run to the bathroom and start cleaning it off. At first I couldn't see where the main owie was. All I could think of was I really didn't want to have stitches and go to the ER AGAIN. Just my luck. I was bawling and so upset with myself for being so dumb, I was crying from the day before and all that went with going to the ER, and also because it hurt so dang bad. It's been a really emotional couple of days.

Turns out I just gouged myself pretty deep and tore off a bunch of skin and didn't need stitches. It throbbed really bad for a long time though. My father in law had to come over and help move the beds around because I hurt myself. Plus, not being 6 weeks out from my other surgery, it wouldn't have been wise to help move the top bunk. I felt humiliated. When my inlaws came to take L the day before, I am probably imagining it, but I felt like they thought I was faking it and I could just feel contempt from them. I hadn't planned on going to the ER. I was freaked out into it and I shouldn't have called dh from work. He immediately dropped everything and ran home. I was glad for the company but I didn't feel it was an emergency and I most definitely didn't want to go to the hospital.

After we got home, dh talked to me. He didn't like having to leave work the way he did just to find out it was a migraine. (like I said it was, but nobody believed me) Naturally I felt like crap and guilty like I had planned the whole thing. I was also mad. No one believed me! Now I have even more stress than was on me than before. I can't seem to win.

That's a big reason why I was crying yesterday when I hurt my finger. A lot of it was pain, but mostly a release from all the pressure and emotion from the day before. I still feel it, but now that I've cried, it's easier to handle. On to another day.

Yet another ER trip

I'm home from the longest ER visit I've ever been on. I guess I'm lucky. I've only had to go to the ER in the evening or middle of the night, never right smack in the middle of the day.

I got another migraine today. Started with the same vision aura as the ER doc calls it. Then it proceeded to bad headache. Anyways, when the vision thing started, I called my doctor I saw yesterday. Left a message for them. Tried not to freak out again. The doctor's assistant calls back and tells me if I feel bad enough and if I need to, to go to the ER. So I call Jason in a panic and tell him I just have another headache and that my doctor wants me to go to the ER. He hangs up and tells work he is leaving.

I get L taken to my inlaw's house. Jason comes home. In between that time, my doctor calls again and tells me to call 911 and have an ambulance come and get me and take me in. They are scaring me to death! It's a stupid headache and they are scaring me into thinking it's something way worse and deadly. Jason gets home and after the bread comes out of the bread machine, we head to SWMC and the ER. I didn't know I would be having problems and started a loaf of bread and I refused to leave until it was out. Priorities, I tell ya. Anyways, I took two Vicodin thinking that would help with the pain. It didn't touch it. Made me all floaty and a tad loopy after awhile. I also got really sick to my stomach, shaky, and freezing cold. Thank heavens for my Warrior hoodie. I stayed in that thing all day. I love it and it's falling apart.

So we get to the ER and I think from past experience that I will be called back fairly quickly. Nope. Over two hours later they finally call me back. After talking to the nurse, eventually the doctor comes in. Imagine Barbie and Ken dolls. Now think of Ken as Dr. Ken and you get my doctor. Way too much tanning and blond hair and blue eyes. I had to almost bite my lip to stop myself from asking where Barbie was. He said it's probably migraines and would do a CT scan to be safe since they couldn't give me an MRI. Don't know why, but they wouldn't. The scan was fine, I got a funky shot of Imitrex in my arm and eventually went home. That shot was really really weird. I don't recommend it.

I have a prescription for Midrin and Jason went to go pick up the kids and the meds so in case this happens again, I hurry and pop one of those pills and it helps right away to lessen the headache. So long story short, I had a headache, it was JUST a headache, but all doctors panic now and I end up with yet another ER visit and bill. Great. Just what your zero bank account can handle. I wish they hadn't freaked me out so bad and I would have stayed home and been fine. I feel like such a loser and phony.

My doctor says I'm weird

Whatever. Or maybe it was the doctor's assistant that called me back yesterday. Anyways, I've noticed that my doctors handle me with kid gloves now. I sneeze and automatically they think the worst now. But I'd rather they do that then ignore my concerns and various problems that have come up. I'm glad someone paid attention when I went to the ER last month. I'm glad I didn't waste anyone's time either.

So when I started getting bizarre headaches and vision problems, they take me seriously. Instead of just being told over the phone that I might have a migraine, they want me to come in, just in case. So I made a doctor's appointment for this afternoon and I go in. I guessed it was a migraine and it very well could be. The doctor accounts it to stress. You think so? So much stuff is going on, too much to write down. Hell yes I'm stressed!! She gives me two lidoderm patches and puts one on me right away across the back of my neck. It almost instantly numbs it and I don't feel all that tension bunching up in my neck and shoulders.

Oh yeah, when I get in the room, they want to check my blood sugar levels. My kids were watching while sitting up on the examing table. I look over during the middle of the blood draw and they have their hands covering their eyes so they can't see anything. I don't know why, but it just struck me as the most hilarious thing in the world.

Then, just to be "on the safe side", she schedules me for a brain MRI. Great. Jason was worried last night half joking that my headaches might be a brain tumor. I don't want to have to tell him that I have to have my brain looked at for real. Just what we need. Think good thoughts for next Tuesday morning!

When the poop hits the fan...

It makes me love this quote even more

"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind." ~Dr. Seuss

What I'm good at

I wrote this on a bb about a week ago. I wanted to remember it, so I'm posting it here. Just one of those times when you realize what you're good at, no matter what it is.

I'm the one that's always home with the kids and dh gets to be the ones the girls run to when he gets home. He's the bright spot to them and makes their day. L even calls him her "darling". That always bugs me. I want to be the one that they like and want to do things with. It hurts my feelings that they don't get all excited over me.

Then my baby get sick. Who's name does she call in the middle of the night? Mine. Who does she want to take care of her? Me. I clean up the throw up, I change her nightie, I sleep with her with bucket in hand just in case, I hold her sick little body when she's hurting, etc. I find that I don't mind it so much. I like it. I like being the one my babies yell for in the middle of the night. I'm the one that can fix the owies, wipe the tears, and make things all better. The best thing? After my dd had a bad day yesterday and I had just cleaned her up and cuddled her up on the couch, she tells me, "you're the best mom ever". I can live off of that for a week. I find that I'm good at the nurse/mom thing. I'm at my best. I can handle the puke, the grubbies, the cleaning up, the tears, the hot foreheads, the sickies, etc. I love to be wanted and I know they will remember that when it's important.

They can have their daddy in the good times, because I know when they really need me, it's going to be "Mom!!" they yell in the night when it really counts. So it's not really fair. Daddy gets the good times, I get the others. But in the end for me, it took my babies being sick for me to realize my potential and where I'm best at.

Waiting

I don't know what I'm waiting for though. We had a semi good day yesterday. I was in a good mood and it's like I'm now waiting. Whether it's waiting for the other shoe to drop and the day won't be as good as it started out or something, I don't know. I hate that! It's like something isn't complete but I don't know what it is that I'm trying to finish or complete.

Good news, I think. We got some bills recently in the mail concerning my surgery last month. I've been feeling terrible about having the surgery. I could have said no, I could have gone home from the hospital and not had anything done. I could very well not had another gallbladder attack. But for some reason, we chose to go to SWMC and not Adventist hospital just down the street. No, we crossed the river and went to Vancouver. It just felt better. Anyways, we did it anyways and I've been under a lot of stress thinking of the thousands of dollars in debt we would be because of the "impulsive" decision to just go ahead and do it. We got the initial bill from the hospital before insurance got to it. I felt so bad. It really was thousands of dollars. I figured we would pay a healthy portion of it.

We just got our insurance papers regarding my surgery. If I read this right, and I think I am, we will pay only about $100. We paid a copay of $75 when we got to the ER and then this $100 that insurance isn't covering. I want to believe it, but it just doesn't seem possible that it could be that easy. I cried when I figured it out and I still want to. I don't believe it. How could we get off that easy?

Another rough time

All I seem to do is whine on here. I usually do pretty well but when I'm struggling, I bring it here, get it out, and I'm okay with things after this in my life. It's like purging the bad stuff out. So although it may seem that all I do is complain or say things are bad, they normally aren't. It's the one time in a thousand that something is bad.

I'm so low in spirit. I belong to a group where there are a ton of women. Normally we get along great. There was a situation recently that has helped me realize that I may open my mouth too much and what I mean to say gets construed differently than I mean it to be. So to make things right, I have to not make my feelings known and cover it up and do what ever it takes to smooth things over. In the meantime, I'm feeling incredibly hurt and my feelings aren't taken into account or anything. It really bothers me but there aren't a lot of places for me to go to get friends so I take what I can get. I'm going to keep my mouth shut about my personal life from now on. I'm not going to ask for support or understanding because I don't want to get hurt or get someone upset at me because I'm whining or they are sick of me.

I really have some problems. I struggle making friends and keeping them. Two years ago today I had a mastectomy and ever since then I've changed. Some things for the good, a lot for the bad. I've become even more introverted and shy and it's so hard to talk on the phone or make good friends. I'm great at covering up but it's so true. I'm so lonely! I have experienced something so big that it's hard to not have that affect the friendships I have. I've lost my two good friends over it and no one has been able to take their place. It's easy to say that life gets in the way, because it does. But these two ladies were so important to me. It just goes to show who can handle things and who really can be friends when push comes to shove.

I hate talking on the phone and don't know what to say. Being online is so much better. I can be how I want to be but can't express it on the phone. I feel like an idiot on the phone and procrastinate making calls as much as possible. I'm so tired of being hurt by people that I don't try anymore. I see some wonderful ladies in my ward but I'm too scared and shy to talk to them! What the heck would I have in common with them? I'm not successful, I didn't go to college and graduate, I'm not well spoken, I'm a terrible wife and mother and would never know how to make bread or do anything domestically that so many seem to be able to do. I have a stinking 800 foot apartment that I can't keep clean. I know I have lots to do, but I just feel like I cant' do anything. I don't know where to start. Or I do, but it's almost like a physical block stopping me from doing it. Then I hate how it looks and so on and it's just some stupid cycle.

I don't have good female friends in person and the ones I have online make me worry that I'm bothering them too much. I have lost 2 ladies on my breast cancer board within the last month and it's killing me. My good buddy from chemo is going through more treatments. My anniversaries are this week of being diagnosed with cancer and having my first surgery involved with it. I still don't have a job after being laid off in January, unexpected surgery last month, bills from that, bills from the dentist, rent being raised, no money for it, stupid lice problems AGAIN, our car just got fixed and it's making more horrible noises, etc. I just don't see a way out and I feel responsible for all the problems even though it's not all my fault. I can't explain it, but I feel it's all my doing that has brought this on our family.

Maybe I should up those depression pills. Or see someone or something. I just want one good friend that isn't going to desert me again. I'm so terribly lonely.

last of the surgery update

Life sure has a way of messing things up. I kept meaning to come back and finish my blog entry about my surgery but things happened and I slacked off. I try to write out everything because I don't want to forget a thing for future reference. I wish I had done this sooner.

I get back to my room and Jason was there. I knew it would be an easier recovery because I know I went in at 1:30pm and I was back in my room at 4:30pm or close to it. It felt wonderful and I was more with it than any other surgery. I started my favorite post surgery cocktail of Sierra Mist and cranberry juice. I was scared I would throw up so I didnt want to eat for a while. Eventually I had to force myself to eat something and they brought me graham crackers. It was like the heavens opened up. That graham cracker was the best thing on earth! Holy cow. I couldn't get enough of it. I had my little pitcher of ice water, my cocktail, and graham crackers. Life didn't get much better than that. I don't remember if I had dinner that night or not. But Jason was with me for awhile and then my mom.

I had this great TV that came down from behind me and was a flat screen and I could move it around and have it close to my face or far away. It even had the good cable channels. I could hardly wait to see the Food Network or HGTV. But they kept me on Heparin and some meds that started with a T that I can't remember the name of. Plus I'm sure they gave me Vicodin there too. So with all the lovely post meds, I couldn't keep my eyes open for the life of me. Grrrr. I do remember watching most of one show about cheesecakes in NYC. I had th cuffs on my legs that "massaged" my legs. One would go off and then the other. They couldn't do it both at the same time. As soon as one finished the other one was close behind. They gave me the Heparin because now that I've had cancer, I'm more at risk for blood clots and they had to give me that shot in my stomach every few hours or so. Every time I had to go to the bathroom, I would have to call a nurse in to get the cuffs off my legs and help me up. I shouldn't have had so many of those "cocktails" cause I swear once it kicked in, I was peeing every 20 minutes for half the night. That night nurse deserves a medal.

All in all, it wasn't too terrible. I'm glad I went to the hospital I did. It was very close for my parents to go to and all of my doctors work through there anyways. My records were there. Plus, quite selfishly, I was in an area of the hospital that was remodeled and looked really nice and not so old and blech. I got zero sleep during the night between the constant peeing, the pressure cuffs going off, the stupid CNA that decided in the middle of the night to come and clean out my garbages. By the way, I don't care who you are, having someone keep track of how much you urinate is really humiliating.

I missed my babies and couldn't wait to go home in the morning. My mom brought me some silky jammies because I couldn't wear my jeans home. I had 4 incisions and the biggest one was right at my belly button. It's nearly two weeks later and it just now is okay for me to button my jeans at the top and not have it be sore. I was hunched over for awhile and had trouble hauling my butt out of bed or in and out of my lazy-boy recliner. Other than that, life is good. No problems at my post op doctor visit and he sent me on my way.

The emotional stuff is still hard. We just got the bill for the surgery and there's no way in hell that we can afford to pay for any of it. I just stick my head in the sand and ignore everything. It hurts to much to face reality anymore.

I'm struggling again

Another friend has died of breast cancer. I never met her, but I know her from my breast cancer support group. I can't stop bawling. Another young mother dies of breast cancer and her child will never have their mother again. Why am I one of the lucky ones? So far? Would my kids remember me if I I died? Would they cry for me? This is so raw and I don't expect anyone to understand. I have another friend on this board that is dealing with her own battle and questions why should SHE fight? These other ladies did and look where they are now. How do you tell someone to keep the faith and fight no matter what?

I hear this song and it's breaking my heart again. It's called Falling Slowly and it won best Oscar for Song of the Year. It's so beautiful and simple. I wish I could get it to show up on here so you can hear it. But these are the lyrics.

"Falling Slowly"

I don't know you
But I want you
All the more for that
Words fall through me
And always fool me
And I can't react
And games that never amount
To more than they're meant
Will play themselves out

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you have a choice
You've made it now

Falling slowly, eyes that know me
And I can't go back
Moods that take me and erase me
And I'm painted black
You have suffered enough
And warred with yourself
It's time that you won

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you had a choice
You've made it now

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you had a choice
You've made it now
Falling slowly sing your melody I'll sing along