Three doctor visits last week

Last week was busy. My dh had the week off and we filled it with doctor visits and other fun stuff. Tuesday was my visit with my oncologist. I had seen him not too long ago, but because of starting Arimidex, he wanted to check on my levels while being on this new medication. I had been having a cold and developed a dry cough so seeing a doctor was nice. He checked my lungs and said I was clear. Anyways, my blood counts were good and he actually told me my hormone stats. I hadn't known before.

He explained that they use a system of numbers from 1 to 500 to determine hormone levels. I forgot most of the explanation, but my numbers are Estrogen level 200 out of 500 and my Progesterone level is 20 out of 500. My Her2 level is 0 which is negative. So that's how I'm ER/PR+ and Her2-. I've seen a trend on my board that triple negative tumors seem to have the hardest time, so I'm grateful that I'm not.

Next doctor visit was Thursday to my gyno surgeon. Things are so painful down in my cervix that it nearly makes me cry. So I went in to make sure things were okay and not just scar tissue or something else. Turns out I have a dermatitis problem, yeast infection, and yes, extremely dry tissue inside. Great. I went home with a free sample of meds and a new prescription that I hope my oncologist will let me have since it has a bit of estrogen in it.

Then since I was still coughing like crazy, I called my regular doctor, Dr. Hughes and asked her nurse what I could take since I had tried everything to make the cough stop. They had me come in and I was able to actually see my favorite doctor. She said my lungs were no longer clear like my oncologist had said and had crap in them. lol She gave me a presciption for a Zpack and inhalers. They haven't helped my cough at all, but I'm thinking that they are helping my lungs so that once they heal, the coughing will stop. I've had two nights cough free though the days are still not so great.

My Ah ha moment

This doesn't have anything to do with breast cancer at all, but I needed a place to do it where I could write out my thoughts and my family wouldn't tease me about being mushy. Then I would feel stupid and silly and erase it and it wouldn't be written down anywhere.

I have two children, C and L, and they are 5 and 7. We went to Ikea for dinner the other night after picking up dh from work. We sat down after being in line and got settled with the girls and their food being fixed and their drinks readied with straws. I just looked at the four of us and was just struck by how RIGHT we were as a family. That we were complete and okay and how lucky and blessed I was to have this little family. In my church we are considered rather small and I get the occaisional question of when we are having more children. We aren't. We are set and complete and for the first time, I was completely at peace with that. I always used to feel that I wasn't done even when dh had the big V and I had my medical problems. I would long to hold a baby in my arms and found it hard for awhile to be around people that were pregnant or had brand new babes in their arms.

But that moment in Ikea, I had my ah ha moment. Our family is done, we are complete, and I couldn't be happier. I am finally at peace about the size of our family. I can hold babies now and stare wistfully at them, but gladly hand them back because I'm where I should be at in my life and I'm finally content with it. It was like a huge relief to have that hit me. I'm not sure why I had that moment, but I'm so grateful for it. I needed it because I used to be so sad and that I hadn't done all I could regarding our family size and felt something was lacking.

I'm so blessed and happy to be the mom to C and L. I'm going to work on being the best mom for THEM and teach them and love them and cuddle them and make sure they know that they were meant for us and our little family. I'm going to make mistakes, but they will never not know that their momma loves them more than anything else on earth.

I lost another friend yesterday...

This disease sucks. It really does and no one gets it unless you have it, especially at the age younger women do. It strikes harder and is deadlier than when older women get it. I have a support group and these women get it. They understand the fears of not seeing your child's next birthday or Christmas or even the next week.

I lost a friend named Jenn yesterday. I have lost so many this year. People I've known and hugged and loved and laughed till I cried with and it's terrible. Last year my roommate for the first conference I went to passed away. I was able to email a few times with her mom and I had to swallow my hurt for the two younger girls she left behind. Then this year it just went all to hell. I lost Cathy, Melinda, Shabby, Courtney, Jami, my dear dear friend Danica, and now Jenn. I miss them all so much. It will be their family's first Christmas without these wonderful women. God be with their families, I know they will need it.

Rambling on...

Pity post coming. Shocked, right? lol

I feel out of sorts. I'm not sure where I belong if I do at all. Do I really belong with the group of women I interact with online everyday or am I just watching them? What do I have to offer? I have a jumble of thoughts going on in my head, snatches of feelings here and there. Am I happy about depression meds that try to keep me on an even keel or do I want to really feel emotions instead of nothingness? I don't care about a lot of things or sometimes I care too much about the wrong things.

I want to get started on Christmas so badly! I want to revel in the season and everything it has to offer. On the other hand, I want it to pass me by without acknowledging it because it hurts so damn much. I want to feel so much but the person I want to share it most with doesn't seem to care at all. I don't know if they really understand me or they don't want to or they don't care.

Muscle spasms

Okay, so I went to the regular doctor's office to get my back checked out. I hadn't taken anything all day because nothing seemed to be working and honestly, if the doctor prescribed something, I didn't want to have to wait to take anything because I had used something earlier. I get to see the nurse practitioner, Morgan Powell. She was a great lady. Anyways, she listens to me, asks questions, and has me do a few things so she can determine my range of motion. She wanted to send me home with a lidocaine patch on my back to numb it up. They were out. I instead got a shot of Toradol, some free samples of Skelaxin, and a script for Vicodin. She told me since I was getting the shot, to not take any advil for 24 hours. So it sounds like an anti inflammatory drug similiar to Advil but way more powerful. I just wish I didn't have to get it in the bum. It feels a bit achey right now.

I go home with all these drugs and I'm sure dh is just rolling his eyes at me, the walking pharmacy. I honestly don't go looking for things to go wrong with me at all. It is just been a really bad year health wise for me.

My back is a problem again

Okay, first of all, I changed my blog background again. I've been wanting something that has pink ribbons on it and this is the best I could come up with. Not my favorite, but it works.

My back was slowly getting better and now it's bad again. Yesterday we had our Primary program and afterwards, I was bringing the chairs back to the Primary room. I was in a hurry and feeling...okay, so I grabbed 2 chairs under each arm and hauled them into the room. As the day progressed, my back got bad again. I woke up today and it's almost as bad as it was the last time. I'm hating life right now. I'm frustrated with being told to ice it and take advil. I want solutions, not a bandaid on the situation. So I didn't know whether to call the chiropractor or any other doctor. I called my general doctor and someone there is seeing me this afternoon at 4pm. I hope it works and they can really help me solve the problem. I'm really tired of hurting all the time. I would welcome a surgery even if it would make the pain go away.

Updates

It seems like forever since I wrote on here. My side has been bugging me a lot, the mastectomy side. It feels squishy and soft, not just regular and fat like the other side. Like there's fluid or something. It could have been partly because not all sensation is back on that side and with some nerves regenerating, I can feel most things, but it's like when you're at the dentist and you've been given novicane. You can feel it ...but you can't. Plus, my bra fits fine on the life side, but on the right side, it bunches up and spills over the side of my bra. Not normal. I finally got tired of it and on the 21st, I called the nurse at the oncologist office and told them what I was feeling. She noted it and called the doctor and they would call me later. They did and told me that the doctor wants me to come in and see him that week. That was on Tuesday. On Thursday, I went in and he examined me. He could feel a difference on my side and concluded that I had lymphedema in my side. In your arm is where you normally get it, and it's not common to get it in your side. Lucky me.

Great news there. He set me up to go see a physical therapist of sorts at Good Samaritian hospital in Portland. He said that they are very good, the best in the area. I need to count up my doctors visits after I add this person to the list. It keeps growing and growing. I was always terrified of getting lymphedema. When I was going through chemo, there was a lady there that had it so bad that her arm was useless. It was so puffed up and awful looking. I don't know how to explain this other than this way. Image a pickle and pretend it's your finger. Then put a giant Idaho potato next to it and see how different this lady's hand looked in size. Her arm was literally about 3 times the normal size. I was so scared I would end up that way. I walked out of that doctor visit and just wanted to cry. I know I've gaine a bit of weight because I've been depressed and eating was such a way to escape things. I'd treat myself to a favorite snack and instead of limiting myself, I would gorge. It's possible that it could have contributed to the lymphedema, I don't know.

Anyways, that was just the start to one of the worst weeks I've ever had. Our car that we've had since the beginning, has practically died on us after going to the mechanics twice in 7 days for two different problems. No job prospects, sucky Scentsy party, anxiety attacks, and just normal life. So I had a giant sobfest in the bathroom. The really hard, really bad crying like you used to have when you were a kid and got hurt. I hid my face in the towel so the girls wouldn't hear me and I turned on the faucet. I was so tired of being pushed to the very edge of hanging on. I just didn't have anything left in me.

I had also hurt my back the evening of the oncologist appointment. It was hurting a bit and then I picked up L to take her to bed and did something wonky to it. I went to bed and literally could not move my fat butt to turn over. To twist my body to turn over was murder. In the morning, I was hunched over and moving at all made me gasp in pain. The poor little girls were so concerned for me. How I got L to school, I'll never know. The girls held onto my hands as I walked in the community center with them, them because they always do it, me because I was afraid I'd fall over if they didn't. I managed to get home, but I couldn't even walk C to school, even though it was within sight of our home. I barely made it to the gate before I felt like I was going to die. It was some of the worst pain I've had in a very long time.

I called my inlaws in tears and they were able to pick up Lindsey for me. I took two Vicodin and planted my butt in my chair and tried not to do anything to hurt it. When my inlaws brought L home, I was walking all funny and it was just a terrible experience. I'm doing okay now, but I'm only back to about 70% on my back. It's very very frustrating.

Who am I anymore?

Do you ever feel satisfied? Do you ever feel good enough? I feel restless and unsettled. I don't feel complete. I don't feel like I'm a whole person. I don't know if it's the cancer thing or what it is. I don't want my whole life forever to revolve around cancer. But is that how everyone sees me? Oh yeah, she's the girl that got breast cancer. Am I known for anything else? I feel like I'm walking in a fog and I see glimpes of the life I want, but it's just out of reach or the fog closes it up after a little while. I'm not sure I know how to be happy anymore. No, it's not a depression thing, I think it goes beyond that. How do I explain this so that it makes sense? I feel at times like a block of wood that hasn't been shaped yet. I know I will be something incredible, but that I have to be carved first. It's like I don't have the tools to do it yet. I don't know how to get the tools or the skill to carve, but it's there! I want to become the me I want to be, but I don't know how to get there.

Feeling sick

I'm feeling cruddy today. Lots of aches and pains on my physical body. The mental cruddiness is there too. It's icky and rainy outside and I still have to go run my errands. I'm not sure what it would take to feel altogether again. It's been so long since I felt like a whole person, that I'm not sure what it feels like anymore.

We are staying in Portland, no Tuscon

I'm heartbroken, sad, and a teensy bit relieved. But I won't let myself feel that for awhile. I'm mostly sad and really really down. Jason wanted this so bad. We looked up apartments, found people to talk to that lived there that could tell me good doctors, tried to figure out moving costs, etc. We wanted this so badly because we would be a little more financially secure. No more wondering how the hell we would pay rent or afford to buy clothes for the girls for school. Jason wanted so much to be able to provide for his family as the head of the house. He was really counting on this. I'm upset that they didn't want him. They are missing out, he's wonderful and the hardest most loyal worker they'll ever meet.

But the teeny tiny part of me way in the back is so relieved not to have to deal with the hot weather. My hot flashes are still happening with the slightest bit of heat and I'd tried to keep it out of my head how it would be done there in the extreme heat. I would gladly go if they change their minds, but it doesn't look like it's meant to be.

No news from Tuscon- added news update on friend with bc

I had another attack yesterday before church. Jason wasn't around, my mom was at church, and I couldn't find anyone to talk me down from it. It wasn't too bad. Then dh gets home from his meetings and tells me that Frances Young died. She was an older lady in my ward that had breast cancer. She would take a special interest in me and always was aware of me in the ward. When I had my problems this year, she brought me over a card and a special soft robe. It was a bit small, but the fact that she was watching over me made me cry. So anyways, Jason tells me she died, (mets from breast cancer, it spread to her brain) and my attack is back. I bawl and bawl. By this time we are at church and it's Sacrament meeting. So I sit in the back row with the rough paper towels from the bathroom and tears are rolling down my face. It really sucked. I had walked in the Race this year and Frances was on my shirt in the In Celebration of side. Now it needs to be switched to the In Memory of.

I'm having troubles. I used to love to cook. I adore doing soups, baking things, trying new recipes. I would scour Taste of Home magazines looking for new things to try out. But I feel nothing now. I look at my home and I don't care. I don't care what we eat, I don't care what I wear, I don't care if I cook, I don't care. I get emotion from time to time, but everything around me just feels like nothingness. I simply don't care anymore. I want to care, but it seems way to hard to get to where I need to to put forth effort.

Edited to add- I went to my breast cancer board to check things out. Turns out another friend has died. Her name was Nika and she had me for a gift exchange last Christmas. She was so thoughtful and kind. Not loud or flashy, but a sweet kind presence. I'll miss her a lot.

That makes two just this week. (sigh)

The attacks are back

I'm struggling again. I thought the anxiety attacks would end, but they haven't. I had one last night that lasted about 20 minutes as I was getting ready for bed. I was good all day and my mood was level and no problems. But when it started, I started to get scared and anxious, my heart started racing, and I had to try and slow my breathing down and stop myself from crying. I didn't do a very good job. I think this is the first time in a while that dh as seen one of my attacks and I don't think he understands them.

Dh has been applying for different positions within his company. He's tried Billings, Des Moines, Minneapolis, Denver, and Tuscon. The job in Tuscon looks serious and the next step would be a face to face interview. We are just waiting to hear if they want to do that now. They've made the job perks seem great and I've been searching for apartments in Tuscon for a while now. I'm trying to make peace with the fact that it's the last place on earth I want to move to and I'm slowly getting excited for it if we do move down there.

I've been without a job for so long, I'm stressed to death about finances and I've been through so many doctor visits in the past month. I'm struggling so much to be a decent wife and mother and I'm failing. I'm not succeeding at anything it seems. I have no desire to cook even though I love to cook again in the fall. Nothing really excites me because we have no money to make even the simplest things happen. Life shouldn't revolve around money and it doesn't. But even to fill the gas tank takes a load of money. I'm having a hard time being happy.

update

I haven't blogged in so long. I had 6 appointments last month and made it through all of them with flying colors. I had a bone density scan, dentist, return dentist visit, radiation oncologist, and medical oncologist. The bone density scan was quick and painless. All you do is lay flat on a table while a C shaped machine moves over you as needed. At one point, a big square block is put under your knees with your legs resting on top of it. You need to be a certain angle so they can check your hips and spine and this helps it. I didn't get the results, but I assume if there is something bad on there, my oncologist will let me know. They said it wasn't like having a mammogram where you need to know right away. Instead she said it was like a "quality of life" issue. They test my bones as I'm starting a new medication and starting menopause. After a year or so, they'll test me and see if my bones have started to change due to the two new factors in my life.
I went to my medical oncologist and he wanted to see how I was doing on my new cancer meds, Arimidex. I seem to be handling it okay, but he wants to see me in 4 months instead of the usual 6 months.

I saw my radiation oncologist and let him know about the anxiety/panic attacks I was getting during August. I wish I had something that would help calm me down. He was able to give me a prescription for Ativan. I was so grateful and I've only done it a couple of times but I can tell a difference and it's great. He said other than that, I'm doing well enough that I don't have to go back to see him until my mammogram next SEPTEMBER!!! Yay!!! One doctor down. It was scary and wonderful at the same time.

Appointment #2 down, 3 more to go

I had a mammogram on Monday. I mentally prepare beforehand to expect bad news. There just seems to have been so much lately. A part of me is constantly thinking I'm going to have a recurrence and it's just a matter of time before it happens. So it almost would seem like a relief if they found something and then I'd stop worrying and wondering and be able to fix the problem. Probably sounds dumb and completely irrational.

I went to the Breast Center at SWMC. They have a great clinic and it's very calming and comforting. My mom met me there and watched L in the waiting room for me. So I go and have it done. I think the usual practice is to have it done and then be on your way and they send a form in the mail to let you know if anything is up. But every time I've gone in, they check the films immediately while I wait. I'm so grateful for that. The nurse was waiting for the doctor to check it out and she was in the middle of a biopsy, so it took a while longer for the results.

Since they never know if the doctor will want a better look, I'm in my kimono top in the dressing area waiting to hear if they need more films. It's got a super cushy couch with quilted wall hangings that are so gorgeous. The lights are kind of low and their is calming music playing. After a while, the nurse comes back and says I'm all good and I don't have to come back until next year. THANK GOODNESS!!! When I finally showed up in the waiting room, my mom was starting to get concerned. She figured that with the long wait, that they may have found something and needed further treatment. Nope, I'm in the clear!!

Susan G Komen Race for the Cure

This picture look familiar? I walked in the 1k race last year with my inlaws on a team started by relatives of a neighbor. This year I saw the forms and with finances the way they are, I knew there wasn't a chance of going. I saw the signs like this one in downtown and tried to ignore them. I tried to convince myself it was too crowded and frantic last year and that I really didn't want to go. I was really sad about it. Then the thought came of trying to start a team and I got really excited about it. Then it turns out the dh's work already had a team and so we were too late. Then my friend Danica died and I fell apart. I didn't know what to do but I HAD to do SOMETHING!! I've lost too many friends this year to breast cancer or had people I know diagnosed. It's not right! Most of these women I know are younger than me with little babies that will never know their beautiful courageous mothers. I felt so helpless and lost.

So Jason and I gritted our teeth and put the registration amount on a credit card and signed up for the race as individuals and not a team. We are going to do the 1k walk again like I did last year. I felt so exhilarated and proud that I could do this. My friends that can't do it, I hope they are proud of me. I'm standing for something that I truly and wholeheartedly believe in. This year Susan G Komen is changing their idea. Before it was trying to get more attention to mammograms and early detection. This year it's all about finding a cure. When they explained that at our conference this year, we stood up and cheered. I feel like doing that myself. About dang time.

The race is in Portland on September 21st around 8am though other races are going on all morning. I'm completely out of shape but I don't care. The race in Portland is one of the biggest in the country and I'm going to be in the heart of it all.

This is for those I've lost this year: Cathy, Melinda, Lola, Jayme, and Danica. This is for those I know of who are suffering from it now: Becky, Tanya, Sue, Frances, and every other friend I've "met" on my internet boards. Too many to count sadly. I'll be thinking of you all when I'm out there.

Doctor #1 update

So I went and saw my surgical gyno yesterday, Dr. Forsythe. She's a cool cool lady and I'm so grateful I was referred to her. She immediately puts you at ease. I went to see her because she wanted to check on me and see how I was doing on Effexor. Yeah, not so hot. Or rather, extremely hot. The hot flashes are getting to me. They are awful. So we talked about it and I let her know how I was doing. I switched from Celexa to Effexor and my dose was supposed to be 37.5 mg. Didn't do the job, so I went up to 75mg. Not working so hot, so she doubled my dose to 150mg and hopefully this will make the hot flashes get better. Plus, it's also an anti anxiety/depression drug which I need anyways, so I'm killing two birds with one stone.

I went to a meeting tonight and my body aches from my hips down. I don't know why! I wasn't standing for a lot of time, nothing unusual happened. But also today, I've had zero energy and a headache and just felt like I could barely move. I just didn't care about anything. My mind was on the east coast in Queens, New York and my heart was breaking. I think that's why I was hurting today. All my mental and physical defenses were down and I just honestly didn't care about a single thing at all.

My friend, Danica

My friend Danica Martinez died two days ago. I've wanted to write this message down for awhile, but writing it down makes me more real and it still feels like a dream. If it's a dream, I can still believe it's not true and think that she's still alive. My friend Danica and I met on the Young Survival Coalition bulletin board. We were not especially close, but we were connected by our common bond of breast cancer. She's a fiesty young single mom who got out of a bad situation to eventually come down with breast cancer. She fought it like crazy. I've never seen anyone fight so hard. I met her the first time in Washington DC when I went to the breast cancer conference. She looked like she was recovering and doing well. I would be on the bb with her and hear her comments and so on.

Then she found out she had contracted chemo-induced leukemia. She was constantly in and out of the hospital with chemo treatments, infections, and other problems. She never once gave up, she fought like a fierce lioness to be with her children. A group of us made up a list to see who could send care packages to her weekly. She adored getting cards, letters, anything to cheer her and her kids up. I was able to send something to her in May or June. She found out her good friend was going downhill and would not be getting better. Against her doctor's advice, she left New York and flew to her friend and was able to make the last few days of her friend's life a comfort by being there. She was holding her hand when she died. Danica also against medical advice flew to our breast cancer conference in Jacksonville this year. She moved painfully slow and had her scarf on and obviously looked ill. But dang it, she was determined to be there! lol She wasn't going to let breast cancer take her down or dictate her actions. When she left, she was being wheeled down the airport by another friend. My dh saw her and told me. I ran after her and gave her a hug and told her I was so happy to have seen her and spent time with her. Then we said goodbye...

Danica needed a bone marrow transplant to stay alive. In the past few weeks, we tried to step up as a group and get drives going. All of us who have been through hell were unable to help her out since we were ineligible for transplants. We would have done it in a heartbeat too. I know I would have. Danica has mixed blood in her, she's part Hispanic and that made it doubly hard because very few people were on the bone marrow registry with that type of results. So we took it on ourselves if we were able to, to get the news and attention out there.

Sadly, it didn't work. While waiting for a transplant, Danica was given powerful bouts of chemo to keep her alive. Her heart couldn't take it and she passed away 2 days ago. When I found out the news, I immediately fell apart. We weren't best friends, but she was a special sweet powerful woman to me and I would have done anything I could to help her. Yes, I loved her as a sister in the fight against breast cancer. We were mothers fighting to be with our children. Danica cried often because she didn't want to leave her children. I know cry because those sweet children don't have their mother with them anymore. I know I'm not Danica, but everytime a friend passes away, a part of me dies with them. How do I know I'm not next? Can someone promise me I will see my children's next Christmas let alone see them graduate from high school? I struggle with wanting to try to live well because I just feel like I'm dying inside.

I can't think of Danica without my eyes welling with tears and feeling lower than I've felt in a very long time. I don't want to let anyone forget about her, ever. She meant so much to me! My friend is dead. It's not real, but it is! I'm so angry, so incredibly angry that I just want to scream and hit and fight. But at the same time, I want to wave the white flag and give up. Here's the website we started for her, please look at her wonderful happy face. I wish I could have made her whole. I miss her so much. http://www.danicamartinez.com/

Memory Lane

I'm copying this from my friend Heffalump's blog because she is so cool

1. As a comment on my blog, leave one memory that you and I had together. It doesn't matter if you knew me a little or a lot. Anything you remember!

2. Next, re-post these instructions on your blog and see how many people leave a memory about you. It's actually pretty fun to see the responses. If you leave me a memory about me, I'll assume you are playing the game and I'll come to your blog and leave one for you.

Busy month

I have 4 doctor appointments of some kind this month. Well, one dentist, but then I have a mammogram, a visit with my radiation oncologist and then my medical oncologist. I need to call and get my meds fixed for my hot flashes, so that's a visit with my surgical gyno and I haven't been to see my regular doctor in many months. I want to get everything updated and meds working right. I know that my Effexor is working for hot flashes, because I forgot to take it one night and the next day was terrible. But it's still not great in the evening time. I'm sweating buckets and I hate it. I'm just hoping that it's because of summer and will get better as time goes by. I need to talk to my medical oncologist because I have lingering doubt about lymphedema on my right side below my armpit. My side feels ...soft. And not just fat soft, but soft in a lymphedema sort of way. I'm not sure what to do about it so he needs to know. I now take calcium tablets, multi vitamins, iron, spironolactone, Effexor, and Arimidex. Then it feels like when I take them all, I get stopped up down south and so I take senna kot. With everything, that can be up to 9 pills depending on the day.

*update* I made an appointment with my surgical gyno on Thursday. Hopefully the meds will get straightened out.

Blast from the past

Holy cow. I'm in shock.

I just got an email from someone I never thought I would hear from again. I don't know how they found me, but somehow they did. It was my date for a big dance when I was a junior in high school. We were in drama together and a lot of us went out on group dates and spent time together with the plays and stuff we did. Such a fun shock to hear from him again.

But it brings me to a point. People from my past have no idea that I've been through the whole breast cancer experience. They have this idea in their heads of how I am and what I look like just like I do for them. It's like being frozen in time. It's kind of nice to know that not everyone who knows me knows about how I am now. It sounds weird, but it's like I can put breast cancer away for awhile. Crazy dumb stuff late at night ramblings, I know. lol

Hot flashes anyone?

When I decided to have surgery, I knew my body would go into menopause. I was fine with it since I had kind of gone through that after chemo. My body would have these heat waves that come and go and feel really intense. I thought they were bad. Uh, I was wrong.

A true hot flash is miserable. It especially sucks while it is summer time and the hottest time of the year. After surgery, they didn't start immediately but it came on slowly after a couple of weeks. They start deep in my "core" or chest area and slowly radiate outward. It feels like you are in the grips of a bad fever. Every inch of your body is hot. Then, every inch of your body feels like you are dripping with sweat. Most of the time it is when they come on.

I've changed my meds to Effexor to help cope with these hot flashes. I'm not sure it's working. I literally feel like I'm drenched in sweat. Just sitting down in the evenings, with the slightest bit of pressure from my clothes, and I get a hot flash. I don't like to cuddle in the evenings, because the body heat from someone sets them off too. As I sit here typing this, I'm getting over a hot flash. It was bad. Nearly every inch of me is covered in sweat. It even feels like my hair is sweating it's so bad. One night when we had super hot weather, I was nearly in tears I was so hot and couldn't get any relief. I'm not ready to call the doctor though. I'm not sure if the meds have kicked in yet, if it's the combo of the summer heat and hot flashes, or what it is. I have to see my gyno surgeon in about a month of so, and if it doesn't get any worse, I'll wait until then to mention it. But if this continues, I'm gonna need to be talked down from climbing out of my skin.

I'm all for any great homeopathic ideas of making this go away. Unfortunately, everything I've seen so far has an estrogen based idea for making it better. I can't have that unfortunately. GGGGGRRRRRRR!!!!!!

Jason's skin cancer scare

During that long time of me not blogging, we had another cancer scare. But for once, it wasn't me! lol After I had my hysterectomy, dh took a week off to take care of me. During that time, I made him go to the doctor because he had a sore on his forehead that never would heal. It would scab over and then bleed again and the process would start all over.

So about 2 days after I got out of the hospital, we all trooped out to the doctor's office. He was looked at and they decided to take the little booger out right there in the office. After a long wait in the waiting room, he finally comes out. They were going to biopsy it because they said it looked suspicious. Poor guy, Jason rarely goes to the doctor's office for himself and I know he didn't want to make a big deal about it.

A few days later, dh gets a call at work and he lets me know that they found out that is indeed skin cancer. They think it's a basal cell carcinoma. But they want to dig deeper and get more taken out. This is a big deal now! I know that skin cancer is very very common, but after dealing with my cancer, we don't take anything lightly anymore. We searched things out, found out more information, and talked to other people. We got referred to a new doctor and went to meet him. He seemed like kind of a fruitcake with fingernails longer than mine. Not that that's bad, but just odd. We set the date for the excision. Jason referred to it as a surgery even though it was a procedure done in the doctor's office. He's never had any health problems ever, so he was taking everything so seriously.

I have been through my experience and knew it was not as big a deal. But I also don't want to diminish his fears and worries. So I tried to be super supportive and be what he needed me to be. The day finally came and we went out to the doctor's office. He had to have lots of numbing shots around the spot on his forehead. That was tough. Jason was really nervous and scared and that numbing stuff hurts! So I stayed with him and held his hand. He was hanging on so tight! Poor guy. So once that takes effect, they start cutting and dig out a rough diamond shape on his forehead. I stayed and watched everything and held his hand or kept my hand on him so he knew I was there. He handled everything well and we went home not too long after it was over.

He had a big gauzy bandage on his forehead but seemed to handle it just fine. He had a little bit of a divot on his forehead, but not much. The doctor was great and did lots of tiny fine stitches. When everything heals up, there will be a scar, but not bad at all and just a tiny bit of an indentation. We finally get the results back and we find out they got all the cancer out and he's perfectly okay!!!! No further treatment, no further digging anything out. Yay!!! He will go back in 6 months to be checked again, but he's good to go.

Thank heavens!!

Update of sorts #1

Since that post about asking for help, things have improved with my inlaws. That one night was so terrible. I was ready to never talk to my mother in law again. Even though my father in law was there that night, he just goes along with my mil and even though this sounds cruel, he just doesn't have any courage or thought to have his own opinion.

I let the matter calm down and I didn't talk to his parents for a few days. We managed to get rent together and made it with help from my parents, church, and scrambling our meager finances. Jason got a phone call from his mom and they chatted and she asked if we were able to pay rent. I guess she sounded surprised when he said of course we did. Anyways, they were going to Costco and like they always do, they ask if we wanted anything from there. We give them money and they get what we like since we don't have a card. He told her that no, we wouldn't be getting anything this time around. She called a day or two later and for some reason asked if we could come by. I can't remember why anymore.

In the meantime, I had to work through why I was so hurt. I came to believe that I wasn't going to let her get to me anymore. I won't say anything bad to the girls about them, I'll try to be better about letting my feelings get the best of me, and I refused to let them see how hurt they made me. I was going to show them by action that just because they were so hurtful, that I was not going to be vindictive or ignore them or anything like that.

So we went over there and I tried to behave like normal. We were only there for about 10 minutes or so. They had gone to Coscto and had some things for us. She bought some dishwasher detergent that we needed, some frozen chicken patties that Lindsey loves, crackers, hamburger patties, and chocolate syrup. It doesn't sound like much, but my mil is very very tight with money. She GAVE that to us and said not to worry about paying them back. We were very touched and made sure they both knew how grateful we were. I was shocked that she would do that but I knew that by changing my attitude towards her made the difference. When dh went to go play video games with his dad later that week, I sent a card with him telling them thank you and we both signed it.

Last time we were there, my mil had heard something pop in her hip area when she stood up from watching the girls ride their bikes. Anyways, a couple of days later, she called to ask about some medicine. I asked what was up and she let me know the pain had gotten much worse. Since I have every pain med known to man, I brought over the Alieve she asked for and something to help at night. We also brought over a good magazine I knew she would enjoy and some blueberry muffins that I had just made. I was very proud of those silly things. lol Anyways, we brought everything over, made her feel comfortable and then left.

Had this happened right after the confrontation with them and Jason, I wouldn't have been so eager to help. But I got what she needed together and we went right over with a couple of comfort items in case it would make her feel better. It made me feel better to help and hopefully let her know that there were no hard feelings and when someone needs help, we immediately do what we are able to do.

I'm so glad that I got my priorities straightened out and made the conscious choice to not to let this bring me down. It was hard, but if I want things to be better, I have to step up and show her Christlike service and caring.

I have to share this story

I live in Portland and a reporter with Channel 2 News, KATU station, has been diagnosed with breast cancer. She can't be more than 40 years old at the most. I am very impressed with how she is handling things. She has made her breast cancer battle public and shown every step of the way with viewers in special stories and videos. I can't believe that she would do that and she is handling things with such grace and class. She is not hiding anything at all. Please take a look at her story. Start with her diagnosis and see what breast cancer is like. It's very true to life.
http://www.katu.com/news/27042074.html#idc-container

Last night was terrible

We've been struggling lately because I still don't have a job and we've run out of places to get the money from. We are trying our best but still, it's really hard. We've been meeting with the bishop and he's been awesome giving us counsel and being supportive and encouraging. We felt like we needed to ask our parents for help this month. We've bothered my parents enough so we thought about approaching dh's parents. We knew how it would go, what they would say, how they would act, etc. They are very set in their ways and see only their way of doing things. Dh went and talked to them last night and I called my parents. I flat out said why I called and almost before I had the words out of my mouth, my mom said she would help us. It was humiliating to say the least, but every little bit helps and I'm very grateful for their willingness to help out.

Dh took a long time to come home last night. He let his parents know exactly what was going on. That we have been struggling for awhile and things have come to a point where we needed to ask family for help. He mentioned that we've had help in the past from our church and my parents. He didn't want to keep secrets from them and wanted to ask if they could help us out. They said they would watch the girls anytime we needed it but they would not give us any money. His mom (the boss) said that from their point of view, the money they see us have is not being spent very well and they cannot in good conscience give us anything until we can improve our spending habits.

She mentioned Saturday that we came to pick up the girls with Sonic slushies. She knows that it's in Vancouver and a drive to get it. Without knowing what led us to Sonic, she assumed we had driven there just to get that and it was a waste of gas and money. What she doesn't know is that we had a DATE for the first time in ages. We went to the Farmer's Market and bought my grandma flowers and her visiting brother some carmel corn. We did buy a small amount of cherries for ourselves. We had a small bite to eat and then we went to visit my sil to get a payment for a Scentsy order. Since we were in the general area, we went to Sonic during the cheapie hour and bought a slushie. So, we are rotten for being on a date.

I know she also brought up how irresponsible it was for us to order a professional quilt to be made. We made that purchase a couple of months ago when we were in a better place. We didn't know things would get that bad. We chose the quilt for our 10 year anniversary coming up in September. We thought it would be a better choice so we could have something that would last a lot longer than a dinner that would only have memories. Maybe not the best choice, but one that is done and over with.

I know they said things about me and they blame me for a lot of things. Some things are justified. I don't keep the house the cleanest it could be. I know that. But hearing them say that really really hurts. They wonder why dh does the bath time instead of me. They want to know about all the pressure that is on dh and worry about him and his health since he is known to internalize stress and get sick. I know feel incredible guilt for everything that I have "put Jason through" this year. Two surgeries, change in meds, losing my job, etc. Because obviously it's all my fault. They said a lot of other things. Dh came home and told me some things. I had to push the rest out of him. But it left me sobbing and wanting to call my mom for comfort.

I'm hurting so badly. All I've ever EVER wanted was to be liked by his parents. I wanted their approval and to know they think these things of me hurts me so much. They made a point of saying certain things and it just makes me feel like crap. I'm trying! I really am. Not to the level they think I should be at, but I'm trying to do what I'm able to do right now. Anyways, I have no desire to be near them ever again. I do know that if I'm ever to be nice from them, I need a good long separation for awhile. The girls and I won't be going over there anytime soon. If they want to contact us, they know the number.

Anxiety attack

I really wish my oncologist had given me a prescription for Xanax or something when I get anxiety attacks. I started to have one last night. Dh and I were discussing finances. A job has come up in the place I used to work. I'd love to work there again. Problem is the job starts at 5pm and dh doesn't get home until at least 5:30pm. We'd have to find someone to watch the girls for at least 90 minutes every day. A lot of miles would be put on the car, plus childcare, plus everything else. What if the girls got sick? All the what ifs came up and we figured out what I would make and what it would cover. Not much. If I could start 1 hour later, things would be better. But it won't work.

Anyways, it felt like everything was crowding in. All my insecurites came to my mind and it felt like a 1000 pound weight on me. I don't like having to have help from other resources just to make rent. I feel like I don't know how to get out of this rut we are in. We desperately need dh to keep his job because of the great health insurance. But damn, it would be nice to have a job where we didn't have to struggle every single week just to cover expenses. Dh works so hard and I'm so proud of him. He does everything he can. I've floated the idea of going back to school to get some type of accounting job because I adore working with money since I've done it for so long. I think I'm going to have to go to a temp agency and look for something.

But all this was weighing on me last night and it was hard to take a breath, my breathing was shallow, and my heart was beating fast. All my demons were in my mind making me feel like I couldn't do anything right. I couldn't feel any relief at all. I started to cry and I felt all alone. Eventually I went to sleep but there is this cloud following me.

Okay, whining over for now. Life is really okay. I'm fairly healthy, no surgeries on the horizon, summer is cooler than usual, and I have my year's worth of homemade jam. Life doesn't get much better than that, right?


UPDATE
I'm so dumb. I just realized that this week my meds are messed up. I'm switching from Celexa to Effexor again because the hot flashes are really bad at times. I've lowered the dose for Celexa while introducing my body to Effexor. So low doses right now and a new medicine. No wonder I'm looney.

Has it been a month?

So many things have happened. I can't believe I haven't updated here in a month. Totally not like me. I will be back later and have a longer post about what's been going on. Wasn't sure anyone would notice anyways.

Surgery

Ever heard of the expression, hurry up and wait? Well, that's what it felt like when I went to the hospital to have surgery. Jason and I got there right on time at 8am. We went to the 2nd floor pre op area and signed in. It took awhile before I was called back. They got me all suited up in my open air gown and ugly navy blue-gray socks. They did tests and got my IV started. It was weird, she found a vein on the back of my forearm and put it in there. Taped it all up and then dh came back to keep me company. Did I mention that just to make life interesting, my period started the day before? Oh yeah, loads of fun. So I decide after I've been sitting around in the surgery triage area, that I have to go to the bathroom. I have to walk around with a sheet around me, a nurse carrying my IV and trying not to move my legs much because I had started in earnest that morning. I get to the bathroom and had to ask for a pad and those lovely mesh undies. It's like what else could they do to make life more humiliating.

Finally I get to go in. Dr Forsythe was there waiting for me in the OR. Very bright and big. I get situated on this tiny little table and the anestisialogist starts the drugs. I immediately get my eyes out of focus and they put a mask over me with oxygen in it. Dr. Forsythe is holding my hand and I wanted to ask her to leave me alone and I was fine. Next thing I know, I'm awake in recovery. My throat is sore and I can't really talk very well. I get back to my room and Jason and my mom are waiting for me. I should have written this soone when I remembered everything! All the little details I want to know are gone. I do know that the doctor showed them the pictures of my innards. I wanted to see them too but wasn't with it enough to ask.

I know that they wouldn't let me have my favorite drink because it had carbonation. So no cranberry juice with Sprite. I asked for graham crackers later and was denied because it would cause me gas. Blech! These people are so boring. So I got some ice water and that was it for awhile. I was okay to talk and interact with people. They told me I had a catheter and wouldn't be able to get up and walk until the morning. That really sucked. I was given a pain pump this time around and that was nice as long as I didn't want to talk with anyone. Within minutes of getting it, I was loopy enough that I didn't have much to say or the attenion span to do it. Once Jason knew I was okay, he went home to take care of the girls. Mom left because I was tired and she would be back with Dad when I was more with it. So I kind of rested and was in and out of it for the afternoon.

It was uncomfortable moving, so I just laid there and didn't even watch tv. I had visitors in the late afternoon. A and G brought me a big bouquet of flowers in gold and maroon colors. Astromarias or something like that. Very beautiful. I was happy on pain pills and chattered with them for awhile. They left and Mom and Dad came. That was a nice visit and they left. I had my mom give me my iPod so I could listen to music while was floating on a cloud. I went to look for my piano selections and realized that I had taken them off. I wanted music where I didn't have to really listen to it and just let it relax me. Instead I had Ricky Martin's Living La Vida Loca and Mayberry by Rascal Flatts and Thriller by Michael Jackson. Not exactly what I had in mind.

Pre op at hospital, etc

I had my pre op at the hospital yesterday. I was hoping like crazy I would get to be in the tower at SWMC, but nope! Still, I get a private room in the remodeled 2nd floor surgery wing. That was where I was before and it was a nice little room. I'm just happy it's a private room. I hate sharing rooms and to have a curtain closing me off bugs me. The nurse went through everything with me and gave me instructions on what to do beforehand and how to prepare. After that was over, I took the girls with me to where I would go on Monday. We entered in the same area, up the elevators and into the waiting room where I would check in. I let them see everything so they wouldn't have questions and it wouldn't be scary to them. They seemed fine with it all.

Tomorrow we leave with my inlaws to La Grande. My fil's half brother and his wife are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary and are having a dinner. My mil asked us to come, paid for the minivan to take us, will spend the money to put us in a hotel, and then we drive back Sunday and will be home Sunday afternoon. My mil is very very very tight with money. Which is why I'm more than a little leery about why we were asked to go in the first place. For her to spend money on us like that has NEVER happened since we've been married. After talking to dh, we figured out that they want to show off the girls. My dh's sister is messed up and so are her kids. So I guess my inlaws want to show that some grandkids turned out okay. I don't know.

But I'm glad to be going. It's going to help make the time more interesting and help me not worry so much about the surgery on Monday. It's all I think about. I'm trying to get things arranged in my head on where the girls will be, who will watch them, will dh get time off, do we have food, will meals be brought in, who's taking me home from the hospital, will it hurt, etc. Just a million things going through my mind constantly and I'm looking forward to this little trip to help make the time go faster. I'm happy it's going to happen and I'm sure it's the right thing. Although we decided before breast cancer that we were done having children, I'm really really moody and depressed now. Deciding we are done is so much more different than not being able to have them. So I'm mourning that loss of what my body used to be able to do and will never do again. I love my girls and my family how we are. But it's always the matter of what if. Now it never will BE.

I guess that's why I'm turning into the world's biggest bitch. I'm mean, I'm loud, I'm angry, not nice, and totally a moody wench. I think dh is afraid of me. I would be. I don't know how to make it better so I alienate everyone around me. Not the best move. It just hurts.

Pre Op with Dr Forsythe

I went to my appointment today with Dr Forsythe. Everything was fine. I'm not going in at 5:30am like I thought on Monday, I'm going in at 8am. I was hoping for the first slot, but because a patient has diabetes, she goes first because of blood sugar issues. That's fine. I can call my babies in the morning and tell C to have a good day at school. Dh is getting the week off to help out and my mom will bring me home on Monday while dh has the girls at home.

I'm super anxious for this to happen. Mostly because the more time I have to think about it, the worse it gets. My imagination runs wild and my stomach gets into knots. I'd rather it be tomorrow so I can hurry and get it over with. But with time, I keep thinking of every little thing I'd like to have done before I go in. More tomorrow after the hospital pre op appointment.

Definitely having surgery now, June 9th, here I come

Well, it's been decided. I went to see Dr. Forsythe yesterday and I'm definitely having surgery. Just not the kind I thought I would. But anyways, L and I went to the office yesterday and Mom met us there. She watched L while I talked to the doctor. I wasn't sure if she would want an exam and I really didn't want L to see anything.

Dr. Forsythe is awesome. I'm so glad I go see her. Anyways, she comes in and I tell her why I want to have an ooph. She listens and then tells me, why not do the whole thing? She gives her reasons, including some embarrassingly obvious ones that I had forgotten, including the stupid period from hell. So we talk it over and decide that I will have a hysterectomy. It has a really long name, Laparoscopic Supercervial Hysterectomy(LSH). It just means that they will go in through about 3 tiny incisions and take out everything but the stump of my cervix. She said to keep that to help with sexual activity and to keep up the wall within or whatever it's called. I've already forgotten.

Anyways, I was prepared for an ooph, but was shaken when she said the hysterectomy. But I kept it together until I left. I've gotten really good at that. Do well at appointments and then shake in the car. The doctor said that she would put me as the first case of the day. It will be on June 9th, Monday morning. I go to SWMC and have to be there at 5:30am. I will be home Tuesday afternoon/evening, she said she could even arrange it so that I wouldn't be released until Jason comes to pick me up after work. Whatever worked for me. She's trying to be very accomodating. I think she's wonderful. I'm in planning mode right now. Trying to figure out my babies and if I can handle things on my own if Jason has to go to work, etc.

I feel such peace now. This whole week has been full of emotion and drama and once I had gotten it decided what surgery to have, I felt so much better. (After a good shake and cry in the car that is.)I was almost elated, not excited to have surgery, but happy to have it decided.

I am upset about something. I was planning to have a GWO with friends about 2 weeks later after surgery. I've decided not to go because I don't think it would be fair to my family. Go have surgery, be in the hospital, rearrange their lives to accommodate me, and then recover at home. Two weeks later, leave for a fun weekend, and leave them all at home. Not right and I would feel terrible about it. So I stay home and wish like crazy I could be there. Then there's the other part of this. I know we stopped with two kids for a reason and didn't have any more. I've been sad but okay with it. But now, knowing I will never ever be able to physically carry a child is hard to deal with right now. It's one thing to decide not to do something, but something else to know the choice is being taken away from you. It's like mourning all over again.

Do you ever feel like you don't belong?

Stupid freaking hormones. I'll be glad when they are all gone.

Do you ever feel like you are back in high school? That you want to be confident and happy and with friends? But in the back of your mind you feel like the ugly geeky kid that will never have a chance to be with the cool kids? It's my own personal doing that makes me feel this way. My self esteem is shot and I know that. I make myself feel that way, no one else. I have my mind set what I think is the cool group whatever the heck that means. And I know I'm not a part of it. I see myself and wonder why the hell anyone would want to be friends with me. I'm fat, I'm not funny, I don't have much, I'm whiney, got health issues, lazy, I'm incredibly shy, no self worth, and I don't know what I want in life. I'm so envious of those who know who they are and what they want. It may be the simplest things, but they KNOW and they go after it. That's incredible to me. To have drive and focus and say what you mean and stand up for it and not be cowed by opinions or who's more popular or whatever.

I'm rambling now. I hate to be vulnerable and I opened myself up in a way today that made me vulnerable. I hate that! I hate to feel bared open with no defenses. So now I want to go hide and pretend I didn't say anything because heaven knows it will probably be taken the wrong way.

Six month oncologist appointment

I had my 6 month visit on Monday with my oncologist. My levels seem fine though he says I'm a bit anemic. I told him of my desire to do the oopherectomy. Honestly, I'd be fine with that or the hysterectomy, either one. He said that I'm perfectly within my rights to do it. He can't say do this or that, but he did say that the aromatise inhibitors have a 20% better chance of preventing reaccurence then tamoxifen does. I can't have those AIs until my ovaries are gone which is a good reason why I want to do it. He did a very thorough exam and after being worried that he felt something that shouldn't be there on my right side under side, he said I was fine.

So I leave and get in the car. I want to sit and cry like I always do but I didn't. I kind of wish he would be a little more ...something. I don't know what. Maybe not take things so laid back and act like things are no big deal. But then, I think of stuff like this 24/7 and he doesn't. I shouldn't expect him to act the same way.

I have my visit with Dr. Forsythe tomorrow. She's the gyno surgeon that will help me make the right choice on whether to do the hysterectomy or the ooph. I'd be fine with the hysterectomy, but it means more money, more time of dh being out of work, and me being more away from my babies. But for me personally, I'd rather do it and get every last bit of female parts out of me. But I can't do things out of fear.

Surgery in my future

I have a couple of appointments coming up next week. I see my oncologist for a 6 month check up on Monday and I see the gynocologist surgeon on Thursday. I had another period that was a normal one for once. Not too incredibly heavy or anything. I never know how it's going to be but I always prepare for the worst just to be on the safe side. In the midst of it, I got fed up. I got my courage up and called the surgeon and said that I wanted to schedule a time to do an oopherectomy. Doing this would take out my ovaries and I wouldn't be taking tamoxifen anymore. It would also put me into permanent menopause and I would start taking different cancer drugs, potentially better than what I was taking before.

The surgeon's office put a potential sugery date of June 9th down. Then they called back and want me to come talk with the doctor before hand so she can get reaquainted with me and talk with her and make sure that's what I want to do. So there is the slight possibility this could turn into a hysterectomy, but I'm not thinking so.

I have many reasons for wanting this surgery. I want to prevent every bit of estrogen from having a chance to give me cancer. I want to never have to deal with wondering if this month's period is going to be a heavy nasty disaster or a normal one. I can handle the hot flashes and what comes with that, I've done it before, doing it again is no big deal. I don't want to have to go to the doctor's office to have a biopsy wondering if cancer has come back in a different area.

Mostly I'm scared of cancer again. I know I can handle it. But I've seen my friends on support boards get cancer again, either a recurrence or it appears somewhere else. Not everyone makes it and it's so damn hard to watch a friend die. That happened recently with two lovely wonderful ladies with little children. Those children will not have their mothers around and may not even remember them. I don't want that to happen to my children. I want to be around forever and drive them crazy. So I guess you could say it's selfish reasons that I want it. I'm scared and I don't want to deal with periods.

But I see my oncologist on Monday and let him know what is going on and get his opinons. My surgeon said she would do whatever I wanted. I just hope it all works out.

I'm getting the itch for reconstruction again

I have a friend named Jen on the YSC bulletin board that just had a DIEP flap reconstruction. She lives in Idaho but no one there does that type of surgery. She had family in Portland where I live, but no one here does it either. She went to a Dr. Isik at Swedish Hospital in Seattle to have it done. She had it on 4/21 and got home in the last couple of days. She entered the hospital on a Monday and left to go to a rented apartment on Thursday. I think she was in that place for about a week recovering before she went home.

After hearing her story and hearing so many others doing this, I'm getting the desire to do this again. I want to be whole again! I want to have a womanly shape without having to strap it on. I love wearing V neck shirts, not deep V necks, but the normal kind. Can't do that now. I don't have a swimsuit to wear that supports a fake boob and I haven't had a new suit since I was married. Not getting one now. But anyways, I start listening to her story and I asked her a bunch of questions. I wanted to know if it hurt, how could she stay away from her kids, who stayed with her, where did she go after surgery, etc.

This surgery is not just about me. If I did this, I would have to be gone from my children. There is no one in Portland that does this type of surgery. I know that person in Seattle does it, a lady from the breast cancer conference in San Francisco does it, NOLA does it in Louisiana. My ideal is to go to Seattle since I have heard so much about this doctor and have the chance to meet some ladies from both the YSC board and also from my private church mom's board. Plus, it's closer than anybody else.

I started dreaming about it and allowed myself to get excited. I even did something totally stupid. I called my mom and round about asked if she would come to Seattle to be with me when I had the surgery. Bad idea. It didn't go well. She said she would support me, but she doesn't think I should do it. Not really. She has too many worries here to deal with being with me. I know that, but dang it, it really hurt. I don't want to ask my dh because I want a parent here with the children so they wouldn't be scared or worried, and I think he would be bored. Plus, I saw him cleaning me up after my surgery and how much he didn't want to and he looked like he was going to throw up. I don't want that again. Anyways, I felt hurt that if I did this, my mom really didn't think it was a good idea and couldn't really be there for me. It was like a major pop to my balloon in a sense.

I must be pmsing, because I just bawled after I got off the phone with her. She says she can't be away that long from my grandma that has medical issues, I get that. She says she would have to come down and check on her and back up, etc. But I have to say I'm jealous and wanted my mommy. But then I just remembered, she just got back from a trip to see my sister and her kids in Idaho and she managed to be gone over a week and didn't have to come check on my grandma once. Is it priorities or is it she doesn't fully agree with my surgery and therefore it's easier to refuse to help? I don't know, but yeah, I'm jealous of wanting her attention.

Then reality sinks in. There's a good chance the surgeons I want don't take my insurance, I'd be away from my babies too long, I'm more scared of surgery now, someone would have to keep the girls, dh would have to work, take care of the girls, etc., and finances. So that brief little flicker or excitement is gone. It would be so exciting, but I have to face the facts that I'm not likely to be able to have this surgery. It breaks my heart, again to know it won't happen. Every time I get excited, then I realize that it won't happen, and I bawl all over again. Like I'm doing now.

For those who don't know what a DIEP flap is, here's a link: http://www.breastcancer.org/dictionary/d/deepinferiorepigastricperforatortissueflap_t.jsp

Brain MRI results

Before I went to the ER last week, my doctor wanted me to have an MRI. She wasn't sure what was causing my headaches but wanted to be on the safe side. So I finally go in for it and as I'm getting up off the table, I get the results. Once the test was over, I stayed on the table for a few minutes while they checked the results and called my doctor. She called me and let me know everything was fine and it probably is just stress. I'm very grateful to know everything is fine. But I sat in the car and started to cry afterwards. You get yourself so worked up to prepare yourself in case anything is wrong, you try to expect it so it won't hurt when you get the news, and then you hear you're fine. But I'm also still upset and worried that all they can tell me is that it's probably "just stress". Why all of a sudden is it hitting me? I've had stress for the last two years and never had them before now. My doctor then proceeds to tell me that I should go have more dates with my husband. Oh, okay, THAT'S going to make it all better. Why didn't I think of that before?

Also, just because I like to keep track of things, I had migraines Wednesday and Thursday. Thank goodness the Midrin kicked in once I got that stinking visual aura.

Almost another trip to the ER

We wanted to clean and change the girls room around. Unload the bunkbeds and keep them seperate. Their room is hard to manage, so it was tricky. Anyways, I was unscrewing the side rails from the top bunk. First three sides were fine and then the last screw on the last side was stuck a bit, so I reached inside on the bottom and helped it along. Bad idea. when it finally got loose, the rail fell and smashed into my finger. I screamed pretty good and grabbed my finger and said a few things I maybe shouldn't have. Oh my heck, it hurt so bad. I finally let go of my finger to see a bunch of blood. Great. I run to the bathroom and start cleaning it off. At first I couldn't see where the main owie was. All I could think of was I really didn't want to have stitches and go to the ER AGAIN. Just my luck. I was bawling and so upset with myself for being so dumb, I was crying from the day before and all that went with going to the ER, and also because it hurt so dang bad. It's been a really emotional couple of days.

Turns out I just gouged myself pretty deep and tore off a bunch of skin and didn't need stitches. It throbbed really bad for a long time though. My father in law had to come over and help move the beds around because I hurt myself. Plus, not being 6 weeks out from my other surgery, it wouldn't have been wise to help move the top bunk. I felt humiliated. When my inlaws came to take L the day before, I am probably imagining it, but I felt like they thought I was faking it and I could just feel contempt from them. I hadn't planned on going to the ER. I was freaked out into it and I shouldn't have called dh from work. He immediately dropped everything and ran home. I was glad for the company but I didn't feel it was an emergency and I most definitely didn't want to go to the hospital.

After we got home, dh talked to me. He didn't like having to leave work the way he did just to find out it was a migraine. (like I said it was, but nobody believed me) Naturally I felt like crap and guilty like I had planned the whole thing. I was also mad. No one believed me! Now I have even more stress than was on me than before. I can't seem to win.

That's a big reason why I was crying yesterday when I hurt my finger. A lot of it was pain, but mostly a release from all the pressure and emotion from the day before. I still feel it, but now that I've cried, it's easier to handle. On to another day.

Yet another ER trip

I'm home from the longest ER visit I've ever been on. I guess I'm lucky. I've only had to go to the ER in the evening or middle of the night, never right smack in the middle of the day.

I got another migraine today. Started with the same vision aura as the ER doc calls it. Then it proceeded to bad headache. Anyways, when the vision thing started, I called my doctor I saw yesterday. Left a message for them. Tried not to freak out again. The doctor's assistant calls back and tells me if I feel bad enough and if I need to, to go to the ER. So I call Jason in a panic and tell him I just have another headache and that my doctor wants me to go to the ER. He hangs up and tells work he is leaving.

I get L taken to my inlaw's house. Jason comes home. In between that time, my doctor calls again and tells me to call 911 and have an ambulance come and get me and take me in. They are scaring me to death! It's a stupid headache and they are scaring me into thinking it's something way worse and deadly. Jason gets home and after the bread comes out of the bread machine, we head to SWMC and the ER. I didn't know I would be having problems and started a loaf of bread and I refused to leave until it was out. Priorities, I tell ya. Anyways, I took two Vicodin thinking that would help with the pain. It didn't touch it. Made me all floaty and a tad loopy after awhile. I also got really sick to my stomach, shaky, and freezing cold. Thank heavens for my Warrior hoodie. I stayed in that thing all day. I love it and it's falling apart.

So we get to the ER and I think from past experience that I will be called back fairly quickly. Nope. Over two hours later they finally call me back. After talking to the nurse, eventually the doctor comes in. Imagine Barbie and Ken dolls. Now think of Ken as Dr. Ken and you get my doctor. Way too much tanning and blond hair and blue eyes. I had to almost bite my lip to stop myself from asking where Barbie was. He said it's probably migraines and would do a CT scan to be safe since they couldn't give me an MRI. Don't know why, but they wouldn't. The scan was fine, I got a funky shot of Imitrex in my arm and eventually went home. That shot was really really weird. I don't recommend it.

I have a prescription for Midrin and Jason went to go pick up the kids and the meds so in case this happens again, I hurry and pop one of those pills and it helps right away to lessen the headache. So long story short, I had a headache, it was JUST a headache, but all doctors panic now and I end up with yet another ER visit and bill. Great. Just what your zero bank account can handle. I wish they hadn't freaked me out so bad and I would have stayed home and been fine. I feel like such a loser and phony.

My doctor says I'm weird

Whatever. Or maybe it was the doctor's assistant that called me back yesterday. Anyways, I've noticed that my doctors handle me with kid gloves now. I sneeze and automatically they think the worst now. But I'd rather they do that then ignore my concerns and various problems that have come up. I'm glad someone paid attention when I went to the ER last month. I'm glad I didn't waste anyone's time either.

So when I started getting bizarre headaches and vision problems, they take me seriously. Instead of just being told over the phone that I might have a migraine, they want me to come in, just in case. So I made a doctor's appointment for this afternoon and I go in. I guessed it was a migraine and it very well could be. The doctor accounts it to stress. You think so? So much stuff is going on, too much to write down. Hell yes I'm stressed!! She gives me two lidoderm patches and puts one on me right away across the back of my neck. It almost instantly numbs it and I don't feel all that tension bunching up in my neck and shoulders.

Oh yeah, when I get in the room, they want to check my blood sugar levels. My kids were watching while sitting up on the examing table. I look over during the middle of the blood draw and they have their hands covering their eyes so they can't see anything. I don't know why, but it just struck me as the most hilarious thing in the world.

Then, just to be "on the safe side", she schedules me for a brain MRI. Great. Jason was worried last night half joking that my headaches might be a brain tumor. I don't want to have to tell him that I have to have my brain looked at for real. Just what we need. Think good thoughts for next Tuesday morning!

When the poop hits the fan...

It makes me love this quote even more

"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind." ~Dr. Seuss

What I'm good at

I wrote this on a bb about a week ago. I wanted to remember it, so I'm posting it here. Just one of those times when you realize what you're good at, no matter what it is.

I'm the one that's always home with the kids and dh gets to be the ones the girls run to when he gets home. He's the bright spot to them and makes their day. L even calls him her "darling". That always bugs me. I want to be the one that they like and want to do things with. It hurts my feelings that they don't get all excited over me.

Then my baby get sick. Who's name does she call in the middle of the night? Mine. Who does she want to take care of her? Me. I clean up the throw up, I change her nightie, I sleep with her with bucket in hand just in case, I hold her sick little body when she's hurting, etc. I find that I don't mind it so much. I like it. I like being the one my babies yell for in the middle of the night. I'm the one that can fix the owies, wipe the tears, and make things all better. The best thing? After my dd had a bad day yesterday and I had just cleaned her up and cuddled her up on the couch, she tells me, "you're the best mom ever". I can live off of that for a week. I find that I'm good at the nurse/mom thing. I'm at my best. I can handle the puke, the grubbies, the cleaning up, the tears, the hot foreheads, the sickies, etc. I love to be wanted and I know they will remember that when it's important.

They can have their daddy in the good times, because I know when they really need me, it's going to be "Mom!!" they yell in the night when it really counts. So it's not really fair. Daddy gets the good times, I get the others. But in the end for me, it took my babies being sick for me to realize my potential and where I'm best at.

Waiting

I don't know what I'm waiting for though. We had a semi good day yesterday. I was in a good mood and it's like I'm now waiting. Whether it's waiting for the other shoe to drop and the day won't be as good as it started out or something, I don't know. I hate that! It's like something isn't complete but I don't know what it is that I'm trying to finish or complete.

Good news, I think. We got some bills recently in the mail concerning my surgery last month. I've been feeling terrible about having the surgery. I could have said no, I could have gone home from the hospital and not had anything done. I could very well not had another gallbladder attack. But for some reason, we chose to go to SWMC and not Adventist hospital just down the street. No, we crossed the river and went to Vancouver. It just felt better. Anyways, we did it anyways and I've been under a lot of stress thinking of the thousands of dollars in debt we would be because of the "impulsive" decision to just go ahead and do it. We got the initial bill from the hospital before insurance got to it. I felt so bad. It really was thousands of dollars. I figured we would pay a healthy portion of it.

We just got our insurance papers regarding my surgery. If I read this right, and I think I am, we will pay only about $100. We paid a copay of $75 when we got to the ER and then this $100 that insurance isn't covering. I want to believe it, but it just doesn't seem possible that it could be that easy. I cried when I figured it out and I still want to. I don't believe it. How could we get off that easy?

Another rough time

All I seem to do is whine on here. I usually do pretty well but when I'm struggling, I bring it here, get it out, and I'm okay with things after this in my life. It's like purging the bad stuff out. So although it may seem that all I do is complain or say things are bad, they normally aren't. It's the one time in a thousand that something is bad.

I'm so low in spirit. I belong to a group where there are a ton of women. Normally we get along great. There was a situation recently that has helped me realize that I may open my mouth too much and what I mean to say gets construed differently than I mean it to be. So to make things right, I have to not make my feelings known and cover it up and do what ever it takes to smooth things over. In the meantime, I'm feeling incredibly hurt and my feelings aren't taken into account or anything. It really bothers me but there aren't a lot of places for me to go to get friends so I take what I can get. I'm going to keep my mouth shut about my personal life from now on. I'm not going to ask for support or understanding because I don't want to get hurt or get someone upset at me because I'm whining or they are sick of me.

I really have some problems. I struggle making friends and keeping them. Two years ago today I had a mastectomy and ever since then I've changed. Some things for the good, a lot for the bad. I've become even more introverted and shy and it's so hard to talk on the phone or make good friends. I'm great at covering up but it's so true. I'm so lonely! I have experienced something so big that it's hard to not have that affect the friendships I have. I've lost my two good friends over it and no one has been able to take their place. It's easy to say that life gets in the way, because it does. But these two ladies were so important to me. It just goes to show who can handle things and who really can be friends when push comes to shove.

I hate talking on the phone and don't know what to say. Being online is so much better. I can be how I want to be but can't express it on the phone. I feel like an idiot on the phone and procrastinate making calls as much as possible. I'm so tired of being hurt by people that I don't try anymore. I see some wonderful ladies in my ward but I'm too scared and shy to talk to them! What the heck would I have in common with them? I'm not successful, I didn't go to college and graduate, I'm not well spoken, I'm a terrible wife and mother and would never know how to make bread or do anything domestically that so many seem to be able to do. I have a stinking 800 foot apartment that I can't keep clean. I know I have lots to do, but I just feel like I cant' do anything. I don't know where to start. Or I do, but it's almost like a physical block stopping me from doing it. Then I hate how it looks and so on and it's just some stupid cycle.

I don't have good female friends in person and the ones I have online make me worry that I'm bothering them too much. I have lost 2 ladies on my breast cancer board within the last month and it's killing me. My good buddy from chemo is going through more treatments. My anniversaries are this week of being diagnosed with cancer and having my first surgery involved with it. I still don't have a job after being laid off in January, unexpected surgery last month, bills from that, bills from the dentist, rent being raised, no money for it, stupid lice problems AGAIN, our car just got fixed and it's making more horrible noises, etc. I just don't see a way out and I feel responsible for all the problems even though it's not all my fault. I can't explain it, but I feel it's all my doing that has brought this on our family.

Maybe I should up those depression pills. Or see someone or something. I just want one good friend that isn't going to desert me again. I'm so terribly lonely.

last of the surgery update

Life sure has a way of messing things up. I kept meaning to come back and finish my blog entry about my surgery but things happened and I slacked off. I try to write out everything because I don't want to forget a thing for future reference. I wish I had done this sooner.

I get back to my room and Jason was there. I knew it would be an easier recovery because I know I went in at 1:30pm and I was back in my room at 4:30pm or close to it. It felt wonderful and I was more with it than any other surgery. I started my favorite post surgery cocktail of Sierra Mist and cranberry juice. I was scared I would throw up so I didnt want to eat for a while. Eventually I had to force myself to eat something and they brought me graham crackers. It was like the heavens opened up. That graham cracker was the best thing on earth! Holy cow. I couldn't get enough of it. I had my little pitcher of ice water, my cocktail, and graham crackers. Life didn't get much better than that. I don't remember if I had dinner that night or not. But Jason was with me for awhile and then my mom.

I had this great TV that came down from behind me and was a flat screen and I could move it around and have it close to my face or far away. It even had the good cable channels. I could hardly wait to see the Food Network or HGTV. But they kept me on Heparin and some meds that started with a T that I can't remember the name of. Plus I'm sure they gave me Vicodin there too. So with all the lovely post meds, I couldn't keep my eyes open for the life of me. Grrrr. I do remember watching most of one show about cheesecakes in NYC. I had th cuffs on my legs that "massaged" my legs. One would go off and then the other. They couldn't do it both at the same time. As soon as one finished the other one was close behind. They gave me the Heparin because now that I've had cancer, I'm more at risk for blood clots and they had to give me that shot in my stomach every few hours or so. Every time I had to go to the bathroom, I would have to call a nurse in to get the cuffs off my legs and help me up. I shouldn't have had so many of those "cocktails" cause I swear once it kicked in, I was peeing every 20 minutes for half the night. That night nurse deserves a medal.

All in all, it wasn't too terrible. I'm glad I went to the hospital I did. It was very close for my parents to go to and all of my doctors work through there anyways. My records were there. Plus, quite selfishly, I was in an area of the hospital that was remodeled and looked really nice and not so old and blech. I got zero sleep during the night between the constant peeing, the pressure cuffs going off, the stupid CNA that decided in the middle of the night to come and clean out my garbages. By the way, I don't care who you are, having someone keep track of how much you urinate is really humiliating.

I missed my babies and couldn't wait to go home in the morning. My mom brought me some silky jammies because I couldn't wear my jeans home. I had 4 incisions and the biggest one was right at my belly button. It's nearly two weeks later and it just now is okay for me to button my jeans at the top and not have it be sore. I was hunched over for awhile and had trouble hauling my butt out of bed or in and out of my lazy-boy recliner. Other than that, life is good. No problems at my post op doctor visit and he sent me on my way.

The emotional stuff is still hard. We just got the bill for the surgery and there's no way in hell that we can afford to pay for any of it. I just stick my head in the sand and ignore everything. It hurts to much to face reality anymore.

I'm struggling again

Another friend has died of breast cancer. I never met her, but I know her from my breast cancer support group. I can't stop bawling. Another young mother dies of breast cancer and her child will never have their mother again. Why am I one of the lucky ones? So far? Would my kids remember me if I I died? Would they cry for me? This is so raw and I don't expect anyone to understand. I have another friend on this board that is dealing with her own battle and questions why should SHE fight? These other ladies did and look where they are now. How do you tell someone to keep the faith and fight no matter what?

I hear this song and it's breaking my heart again. It's called Falling Slowly and it won best Oscar for Song of the Year. It's so beautiful and simple. I wish I could get it to show up on here so you can hear it. But these are the lyrics.

"Falling Slowly"

I don't know you
But I want you
All the more for that
Words fall through me
And always fool me
And I can't react
And games that never amount
To more than they're meant
Will play themselves out

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you have a choice
You've made it now

Falling slowly, eyes that know me
And I can't go back
Moods that take me and erase me
And I'm painted black
You have suffered enough
And warred with yourself
It's time that you won

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you had a choice
You've made it now

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you had a choice
You've made it now
Falling slowly sing your melody I'll sing along

Full surgery story

I'm still in plenty of pain, but nothing that I haven't had before with csections.

I woke up very early Tuesday morning with a little girl that couldn't go to sleep. So dh got up with her and went and helped her lay down. He stayed there for a while and came back to sleep around 2am. I was half awake and a little while later, I felt a really funny feeling in my chest area and lungs. I couldn't breathe right and didn't know if it was some weird anxiety thing or if it was indigestion or something like that. So I sat up and it slowed down so I tried to lay down again. It came back and it was worse. It was at the base of my ribs, just underneath the tip of them. I didn't know if it was my heart or what. I couldn't talk without wheezing and naturally when I told the doctor on the nurseline for my doctor's office, they said to immediately go in to the ER. My inlaws came over and stayed while dh drove me to Vancouver to SWMC. Adventist is down the street but we haven't felt completely comfortable there before. Honestly, it was closer to my family and if anything was wrong, I'd rather be closer to them. I was feeling fine and kind of bothered that Jason wouldn't let me drive myself there. I felt like a big fraud and had nothing wrong with me since the pain went away.

We got to the ER around 3am and soon enough I was back in a room. They tried to stick me with a needle to get bloodwork and the first time, the vein slipped away and digging for it didn't seem to help. Same with the second time. The third time they did it in my hand and that hurt like nothing else. So much burning! Anyways, they got their blood after digging in my hand for it like the other two times. I ended up having to be taken for a chest xray, ultrasound, and more bloodwork.

I was joking with them that I knew it was for nothing and probably just an anxiety attack. They said they wanted to be careful and not miss anything. Guess having cancer before makes my doctors cautious. They don't want to miss a thing. Dr. Shotness came in and told me it could be gallstones and possibly my gallbladder was inflamed. My pancreas enzymes were elevated but my liver was fine. The surgeon was on the fence about me doing it that day. But Jason and I both agreed that since he was on vacation, C was on sprink break, that it was a good time to do it. So they immediately found me a bed upstairs and within an hour, I was admitted to have my gallbladder taken out.

It was a nice cozy little room in a remolded area of the hospital and thank heavens, it was all to myself. I didn't know when my surgery was going to happen, it depended on the surgeon's schedule. He came up and visited with me and said he would fit me in when he could and it probably wouldn't happen till late afternoon or evening. Bishop Peacock was working in Vancouver, so we snagged him on lunch break and he came and helped give me a blessing.

Around 12:30pm or so, we get word that they had an open spot on the schedule and would take me in. I was so pleased! I was bored, starving, and I hated waiting. Turns out another surgeon had some free time and would do the surgery instead of Dr. Dally like we thought. Worked out even better, it was Dr. Kilway, the surgeon who diagnosed me with cancer and did my mastectomy. I was happy to see him and he answered every question Jason and I had about the surgery. I remember getting some calming down drugs before going into the OR because I knew my anxiety level was through the roof. That helped a lot. I got in the OR around 1:20pm and I didn't remember anything else until I woke up in recovery. It was hard to swallow then, like my throat was paralyzed halfway. Normal stuff.

Usually I struggle to keep my eyes open after waking up. After about 15 minutes, I was much better and could work to keep them from dropping all the time like before. I could feel that it was an easier recovery. Jason was waiting for me in my room and he stayed with me for awhile after that. So I was grateful for that. I was worried about the girls, but in the morning time when I was waiting for a room upstairs, he had gone home and taken the girls and his mom to her house so that they were taken care of all day.

Holy crap, I'm starting to hurt. I'm off to lay down.

I had surgery yesterday; competely unexpected

I came home today and the shoulder pain is incredibly bad. Of course it happened after I left the hospital.

Anyways, I'm hurting right now, and I won't be on long. I went to the ER around 3amish Tuesday morning. I woke up not being able to breathe very well and it felt like I had something sitting on the lower part of my chest. It came and went 3 times getting less painful or intense each time. I was really scared to go to sleep and I was privately worried I had some type of heart problem. I was sure I would be told I just had an anxiety attack or indigestion and it would be a waste of time. Nope, turns out I had gallstones and my gallbladder was inflamed. I guess they had been there awhile and never gave me any pain before.

More to the story, but right now my neck and shoulder hurt so bad it's hard to sit here upright. Jason took me to SWMC in Vancouver since all my doctors are there and I've had all my other previous surgeries there. I just felt more comfortable there. They treated me so well and plus, it was closer to my parents. More later. I went in at 3am Tuesday morning, had surgery by 1:30pm, came home around 11:30am on Wednesday morning.

Breast cancer sucks!

I'm mad and angry and want to scream and I want to sit down and cry. I mostly want to do the crying part. I hate breast cancer and I especially hate it for the younger women who get it who have children and babies and these kids could potentially never know their moms because this horrible gosh awful SHITTY disease is killing them. I'm on a bulletin board with the Young Survival Coalition and there is a wonderful kind smart sassy woman on there dying of breast cancer. She has just DAYS to live. She wrote a post awhile ago to comfort the new women that were coming there and scared. Her screen name is Mama Cathy and even though she is about the same age as I am, it felt like she was a mama to so many of us. This is what she wrote and I doubt she ever thought it would be about her.

Mama Cathy, I love you to pieces. You are so loved by the women of the YSC boar. Words fail me to describe how you mean to us and what you have done for so many women.

It's happening again.

Every once in a while the board goes through a really tough time. Our hearts break for our sisters whose cancers are spreading at frightening rates. We see their selfless, innocent posts that detail the cancer taking over. How they feel, what they're thinking. What they need. The struggle, the powelessness, the strength and courage.

I just wanted to pull all you newbies in close and let you know that we've all been there and you are probably absolutely freaking out right now. Chemo has beaten you up, you feel like a shadow of who you used to be. Tired, depressed and overwhlemed. You may even feel guilty because you are not only sad for these beautiful women, but you are sad FOR YOU.

You see yourself in every one of these women that becomes so very sick and then loses the battle.It's normal to feel this way and it's OK. We understand and so do they. Your mother may not, your husband may not. your friends may not, but we do.And there's nothing wrong with feeling sad and getting angry.

But please remember that the odds are that YOU are going to get better. YOU are going to get your hair back and start to feel well again. YOU are going to get back to the life that you want to lead.

So if you are checking the boards incessently right now, reading the latest post, then sobbing and then going back for more.....been there too. You are grieving....this disease is not fair....it's disgusting and ugly and perverse. And it's so much more unfair to certain sisters than others. And there's nothing fair about that.So grieve for them. Grieve for you. And then remember that you will get better.

Love,cathy

Add another doctor to the list

I'm going to a chiropractor now. I've seen him before and it didn't last long. My insurance will only pay for so much. And also, my frontal area couldn't handle being face down while someone puts a knee in my back. It was just too tender and plus all the drugs I had during my cancer fun masked a lot of the symptoms.

I've had lower back pain off and on for many years. I even had xrays done last year because it was still bothering me. Naturally after you get cancer, any ache and pain means major testing. They said it was nothing and I let it go. Still bothered me, but since it didn't show anything and the doctors didn't take it seriously, there was little I could do.

So I finally go to the chiropractor last week. The lowest two vertebra, L4 and L5 are kind of crunched together in a weird triangular shape in connection with my right hip. It's caused my right leg to be a bit shorter and it hurts my lower back and it sucks. The doc said that in that little area inside, if you looked, you would see that it's red and swollen in there from being put in that position for so long. He wants to do 3 months of treatments and exercises. I can do the exercises fine, they cost nothing. My insurance will only cover 2 weeks of twice weekly visits.

The first visit was fine. I go there, lay face down and he puts electrodes on my right lower back and hip area and a heating pad on top of that. It felt wonderful. Then the sadistic monster adjusts my back and it hurt worse than ever until the next visit. I made sure he knew it too. He just said that my back is resistent to change since it's been seized up like that for years. The next two visits including the one today were not too bad at all. My back hurts a bit less, but then I haven't done anything really strenuous either, so who knows if it's really healing or not.

Just cause I'm being a dork

I was trying to see if I could take a decent picture of myself. As you can tell, it didn't turn out well. Actually, I look and feel like this when I'm stressed out and not handling life well.

TA-DAH!!!

I have new teeth! Okay, not really, but I can actually see them now with my braces off. My front tooth is in the process of being fixed, so ignore that. This has been the hardest two years of my life. So glad this part is over. Thank you Dr. Rosenbarger for taking me on and allowing me to enjoy my smile for the first time in 34 years. Thank you Dr. Lam for letting me cry in your dentist chair and giving me the referral to see Dr. Rosenbarger. You changed my life.