My job is gone

This isn't related too much to breast cancer at all, but in an odd way it does.

I'm an apartment manager. I have a file cabinet, fax machine, office phone, maintenance shed and a credit card to Home Depot to buy the things we need for the apartment. I've known for a year that the owner has been trying to sell this complex. But each time the sale wouldn't go through or it wouldn't be a serious offer. But this last time I could tell was serious. There were at least 3 different inspections and pictures taken, etc. We've been waiting for the final word on if the sale would go through.

Yesterday afternoon around 5:15ish, there's a knock at the door. A little middle aged Russian guy comes to my door and says the deal went through 20 minutes ago and he wants the keys since he's the new owner. He says I'm welcome to still live here, but that my responsibilities are over. He initially wanted me to collect the rent, but that idea was turned down later that night. I wasn't going to give him anything until I had paperwork and heard from my office what was going on. A little while later, my office contact, Donna, calls me. We had a chat and she wanted me to get some stuff together for him and we talked about getting things to this new manager.

After he had left my apartment, he went around to every resident and posted a notice saying that we were under new management and to call him for anything. The door shut after he walked out and I burst into tears. I've never been fired or really laid off of a job before. My first initial thought was extreme panic and fear. But the girls were watching me, C in particular and she started to get upset. I fought for control, but I lost it and started crying about 10 more times that night.

I'm angry and upset about how it was handled. I'm angry that the new owner didn't even wait until the ink is dry on the paper before coming and trying to take everything away from me. But a big part of me is so relieved. It's like a huge heavy weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I've hated this job from day one. I hated that I even had to work and not be able to be a SAHM. But you do what you need to for your family and that's the way it worked.

How it relates to breast cancer for me is this. When I found out I had cancer, I refused outright to even think it would kill me. I had so many down and horrible days, but never once would I even allow it to enter my mind. Maybe that's wrong, but in my mind, refusing to think about it made me believe that it was liveable and the situation could be controlled and fixed.

That's how I'm thinking now. I refuse to think about having to move, I refuse to believe that I won't be able to find a job, etc. I'm terrified, I still want to break into tears at the slightest thing, and I don't know how we will pay our bills. But I know it's going to be fine. This happened at the right time of year so we can hurry and file our taxes and hopefully get a good refund. Jason got a reward at work and won a little bit of money. I'm doing a research study for a group and getting a little chunk of change and Jason does one next week too. I'm getting a nice commission check in less than two weeks and we'll see how the rest of things go.

I just struggle a lot. I have a lot of bad thoughts about why we are here in this financial situation, but I also know we will be okay. It's almost exciting to see what could be out there. But I hate change too. I'm a total basketcase is what I am. Maybe I'll be able to sleep tonight, cause it sure didn't happen last night.

I'm proud of this picture and want to share

I took this at Rockaway Beach yesterday evening from my crappy hotel room. Ah, the view was worth it. Gotta love the weather at the ice cold, freeze your arse off Oregon coast.

It's not fun to cry in Safeway

It's no fun to start bawling at Safeway. I had my 6 month appointment with Dr. Schneider, my rads oncologist this morning. While getting checked in, I ran into Becky B, my best friend when we were little kids. We grew up two blocks from each other and did everything together. She's going through breast cancer too and had a hysterectomy 3 weeks ago. She's in the second week of radiation so that's why she was there. So we got to talking and both of us were near tears talking about everything. Then I go back and have my exam and I'm fine and don't have to go back until September. That's great news.

But I go to my car and just start sobbing. And I couldn't stop at all. I'm perfectly okay, but everything associated with that place makes it hard to bear. And then my friend's there. Both of us are 34 and going through treatment for breast cancer. It's not right!!! I'm considering a hysterectomy and she's just been through one. Plus, when you're in a rotten mood, everything just seems a billion times worse. The doctor asked if I was going back to the physical therapist because my lymphedema is acting up. I can't because we can't afford it. I felt bad that I had to pay the $20 copay when I know that we are extremely tight on money this month.

So I sit in the car and bawl my eyes out. Then I just drive like I'm numb to the store and get groceries. Then I get a phone call from the gynocologist with the biopsy results I had on Tuesday. It's benign thank goodness, but it makes me start crying all over again. Then I call my mom and dh and let them know and I start crying all over again. So I'm wandering all over Safeway with my cart trying to wipe away tears when all I want to do is sit in a corner and just sob. It doesn't help that I started bleeding again today. The biopsy on Tuesday could have started it, but I stopped bleeding from that yesterday. I go to the bathroom early this morning and wiped away blood. So now I go through who knows how many days of intense bloodiness with this period. It just makes everything 100 times worse. So many things are happening. I don't know if I will have a job anymore since the apartments are for sale again. My lymphedema is acting up, big emotional news, extremely tight finances, etc., etc.

My brilliant move of the day

I was using a cast iron skillet to make German pancakes. I used a hot pad to pull it out and turned to do something. I turned back and grabbed the pan to take the pancake out. Without the hot pad. I screamed and nearly dropped the skillet. I got my hand under cold water immediately but I can see the imprint of the handle across my hand where I touched it. It hurts so bad and I already can see blisters forming. I called my mom bawling and she said to take like an advil and keep my hand in cold ice water. I'm clutching my trusty bag of frozen peas now. I feel so stupid and it still hurts. I freaked out because I have no lymph nodes in my right arm and I'm supposed to avoid any injury to my right hand to avoid infection because my right arm can't process infection well without lymph nodes. I'm such an idiot!

That picture is my hand after slathering on silvadene and gauze one handed with leftover supplies from previous surgeries and radiation meds. Thank heavens. It hurt like hell last night. I had my hand on a bag of peas or a bag of ice for nearly 3 hours before it became bearable. I took my hand off for a while and dabbed some silvadene cream on it. For the first 10 minutes, it hurt like a beast. Then it cooled down and the medicinal cream started to work. I was worried about my right arm being injured in any way, so I called the nurseline and they nearly cut me off and just told me to go to the ER. Whatever. Those guys are nearly worthless. They won't diagnose you and can't really tell you anything at all. I'm just glad the burn was on my right hand and not my left. I've never had a pan before that the handle was as hot as the pan itself. Dh was asking me why I didn't use a oven mitt. I couldn't believe it. I wanted to feel what a burn feels after burning yourself on a cast iron skillet. That's why I didn't use the oven mitt!!!