Life's too short

Sometimes I really hate how women are. How when you get a bunch of them together, they can turn on each other like a pack of wolves, snarling and growling and being so damn mean. I'm definitely not perfect and I'm sure I've opened my mouth and made someone feel bad by some thoughtless comment that I've made or an action that I've done. I know some people get hurt and take a while to get over it. I've been there many times. I have a hard time justifying actions though that reek of boxing people into little catagories and not allowing them to change or grow or continue to be the people they are in other ways. I'm just so angry right now with some people and I'm not saying things right. So I'm going to come out and say it.

For those of you that are apart of E12 or whatever, I miss you guys. Lots of stuff has happened and if you are reading this, if it matters, I don't care!!! I didn't read what went on, I don't know if I should be hurt or not, and frankly, I've learned lots since the poo hit the fan. You wanna know what I learned? LIFE'S TOO SHORT!!!!!! I know some of you read my blog and comment or have in the past. Please don't stop! Every comment on here has helped me out tremendously.

Okay, I've blown my steam off and feel better. Stupid, but I do. I have more important things to deal with these days than cyberspace spats.

I'm going straight to hell

According to my sister that is. Ahhh, but the journey will be worth it. It's all John's fault anyways and if anyone tries to convince me otherwise I will deny it. Before you read this Mom, don't get mad. It really was John's fault. He and Jason did it together.

Sunday we go to my parents home for dinner to celebrate Katie's birthday since she turned 21. We get there at 4 and Katie and John are already there. Mom is racing around like crazy to get dinner ready and then has to leave to pick up Shannon and Nanny. Which leaves Jason, myself, and John and Katie there with the girls. I'm not sure what got us going, maybe it was the talk of different pizzas that we liked. We got on the topic of breadsticks and how wonderful it sounded. We knew that if we went to go get any that Mom and Shannon would beat us with a wet noodle and tell us we were going to hell since they are very against breaking the Sabbath like any other good Mormon. So we started talking about Little Caesar's crazy bread and how good it sounded. The conversation ended with Jason getting up and leaving the house. John ran after him and soon they returned with two packs of Crazy Bread. All of us circled the dining room table and snarfed down the bread as fast as we could. We kept a lookout at the window for Mom's car so we could hide the evidence in case she came while we were eating. All of us were laughing and eating and Chloe and Lindsey were in the thick of it!!! Everyone managed to get it all down and hide the wrappers before they arrived in Dad's garbage so we could blame him if she found it. (sorry Dad!!)

John kept teasing Shannon asking her that it would be great if we could have crazy bread. She said we would go to hell if we broke the Sabbath. Mom said that too or to the same effect. We were all sitting in the living room just grinning like crazy trying not to laugh. Dinner was such a wonderful feast that we all pigged out on top of the crazy bread we ate. I think we felt a little bad but it was such fun to have that secret and Katie was in on it and proved herself a true Kimball by being in on the fun and planning. Welcome to the family Katie! You have proved yourself worthy!

I hope when Mom reads this that she knows that we love her and Shannon and dinner was really wonderful on Sunday. Yes, we are going to hell, but it was such fun that I'm sure it will be worth it. If it makes you feel any better, I think that's what gave me such bad heartburn that evening.

And a quick note, I had a great time with John and Katie on Saturday afternoon. We didn't do much beyond eating out at Mongolian Grill, but it was nice to go out as two couples enjoying each other's company, not just Jason and I and my little brother and his girl. We have something more in common now and I truly think Katie was meant to join our family. She keeps John in line and he really loves her and he's grown up. Still a snotty little brother, but he's got a certain maturity to him now that is great to see. Poor Katie, she's stuck with us now!!!

I got mothered!!!

So Thursday afternoon I had a saline fill again. I've gotten smarter and taken some percocet about 45 mintues before the appointment. Which is good and bad. Good part is that by the time the procedure is ready to start, I'm flying high as a kite. Bad part is, I can't drive myself to the appointment. So lucky for me, my little brother John and his wife Katie followed me to my inlaws's home where we dropped the girls off. (They always watch them when I have any doctor visits) John and Katie then drove me back to Vancouver to my appointment. Did I mention that J&K live in Vancouver and had to drive to Portland to pick me up? That was awesome of them to do that.

Anyways, I go in and get the fill. As she's almost done filling me up, I feel a pop. That freaked me out a minute but she tells me as the expander expands, it unwrinkles and that might have been the expander doing it's thing but it just made noise. Weird. But I got another 75cc put in and handled it really well. It still hurts, but I have better control since I take my meds so early.

So Mom takes me home for some dinner. I could have had her take me straight home and she would have had smooth sailing for traffic. But I'm so glad she didn't. We got to her house and I got to cuddle with the cats and she took care of me. Not that anyone else isn't doing it, but she did it the way I was hoping inside secretly to be taken care of. I was set up on the couch, I got a warm sweater put on me, a blanket if I needed it, dinner brought to me, a drink if I needed it, etc. I was mothered!!!! I have wanted and needed that ever since this whole shebang started. I want to be mothered and coddled when I have a treatment or a saline fill. I love being taken care of like that and only moms can do that. She took care of the emotional and physical side of me and I think the emotional side needed it more that day then she realized. So thank you Mom for doing that. I really really needed it.

Today wasn't so hot. The nasty taste in my mouth is driving me buggy. Nothing tastes good. I take that back. Everything looks wonderful, smells wonderful, but eating it sucks. I can't TASTE it!!!!! Like I burned my tongue and it all just sucks. I mention this because I had talked to a member of the RS presidency earlier this week and she wanted to know how I was doing. During the conversation, it came up if there was anything I wanted or needed. For some reason, I was craving cinnamon rolls. (This was before my tongue went awol on me.) So she said she would take care of it. It left my mind till this evening when she said that sweet Sister Spencer had made some for me and she was coming over with them. When I saw them on the table I just bawled. Partly because I had such a rough day with the girls and partly because it just surprised me that such a simple request brought me 3 huge plates of cinnamon rolls. Another part of me cried because I can't taste the dang things properly!!!

But that really was a great thing to have. I made myself eat one and I could taste it for the most part and it was wonderful! Also, another good thing was that we came home from picking up Jason from work and there was this big bouquet of home grown roses on my front door. Two or three red roses and several creamy white ones. Those are beginning to grow on me now. Just that gorgeous shade of creamy white. So beautiful. And then earlier this week, another sweet lady brought me a wonderful bunch of purple sweet peas. They are such a delicate flower and their fragrance made the whole room smell wonderful. So two of my favorite flowers came within a week and one damn good batch of cinnamon rolls. Life is good after all.

Chloe went on a field trip

Chloe got to go to the zoo yesterday with her preschool class. She was really excited because she was going with Aunt Shannon. I'm so glad that they had a wonderful time. Shannon conquered a lot yesterday being in charge in a situation where there were crowds, she wasn't familiar with the MAX, and she had a child with her. I'm so glad she did so well. Chloe had a great time and is very taken with "Tarzan" and her little bag of rocks that Shannon bought her.

But why do I feel bad? I think it's because she enjoyed it so much with her auntie instead of doing it with me. I should have gone but I wasn't 100% because of my cold and feeling so dang fatigued with chemo. It wouldn't have been fair to Chloe if I went and I'm thrilled that she had a good time with Shannon. I feel like I let my baby girl down and she's having these adventures with someone other than her mama who should be there in the first place. I was terribly jealous to let her go but so glad she had a great time.

I guess a part of me is scared that over time that Chloe will want to do things with everyone other than me. That I'm so sick most of the time that she will naturally prefer other people over me. It makes me want to cry. So I have to plan little things that she and I can do together so she knows that I love her even if I can't do all the big things with her.

Yesterday was a better day for me health wise. The first thing I did when I woke up was take the anti-nausea pills and stick to the schedule the entire day instead of waiting til I think I need them. I didn't get nauseated once, but I didn't want to eat a lot either. I forced myself to eat so I wouldn't get sick and that's kind of how it was all day. I've discouvered that my tastes buds feel different. Like when you take a drink of something hot and it burns your mouth on your taste buds. I feel it constantly and I think that's why it's harder to have any drinks with carbination in them because it irritates my taste buds. Right now yogurt is my favorite food because it doesn't bother my mouth so much.

I constantly feel like I'm pregnant. That feeling of nausea that's always there no matter what you eat or do. Always tired and I feel restless and unsettled. At least with being pregnant, there's a prize at the end. I have a saline fill today and with all my coughing, it should be fun to say the least. I just hope I don't hurt too bad tonight.

So sick I want to crawl in a hole and sleep forever

Thank goodness this day is over. Our family has been sick off and on since last Wednesday. Lindsey had the pukes, Jason had problems at the other end, Chloe has a sniffly nose, and I got the horrid sore throat, cough, and runny nose after they are mostly better. I constantly feel nauseated and I'm forcing myslef to take those anti nausea drugs at every chance that I can. I can't just wait til I feel it coming on. I need to do it before hand.

Today was a bad day. I was so weak and nauseated and shaky. I could barely take a shower and then I had to rest for a while afterwards because I was wiped out. I couldn't stand the thought of food and all those feelings of being pregnant came back. The constant nausea and upset stomach, weakness, being not light headed but more brain farts than normal. I was feeling bad and wanted some comfort, so I called dh at work. He took pity on me and even though his mom was recovering from the icky illness Jason had, they gladly took the girls all day for me. I barely stayed up before I went to bed. I got up to go potty, take meds, and answer the phone if I felt like it. I really needed that sleep. I was beyond exhausted and not sure that what I was feeling was normal or the chemo. So I was hoping the doc would give me a good answer but it was more drink fluids, gargle salt water, etc. No antibiotics till I have a fever.

I would love to have a day where I'm not sick, there's no work to deal with, I'm healthy, my family and friends are happy, and life was how it was before I found this lump.

Good things! I got a wonderful package from Em and her mom M yesterday. It was the best thing that happened to me. I got some coloring books, my favorite smelling B&BW foamy soap, rubber gloves, smelly peppermint lotion, and a couple of other things including a gorgeous card signed by both of them. It made me stop crying for a few minutes yesterday and smile. For that I am very grateful.

Rough emotional day

Today was not a great day. Everyone in our little family is recovering from something. Lindsey from puking, Jason from stomach bugs, Chloe from a stuffy runny nose, and me from chemo and a saline fill. No one really got any rest. I get the energy to start something and crash half way into it. Nothing sounds good to eat and I feel like I've got morning sickness all the time. Not a lot of nausea, but enough to be a bit annoying.

I'm just way too emotional. It really honestly seems like I'm pregnant but I'm not getting anything good out of it. At least when you're pregnant, you get a baby out of it. Not me, I get all the bad cancer cells killed along with healthy ones. I get sick, my hair will fall out, I feel like crap, and no prize at the end. I feel like a big baby that can't get a grip. I don't have control anymore of anything. My body, my emotions, my energy, everything has turned traitor on me. I'm useless as a wife, a mother, apartment manager, teacher, and friend. I feel like I'm falling and I don't know how to grab hold and stop.

Good thing today was that I got a short nap by myself. I was able to lay down in my bed and sleep for about 45 minutes.

Going along in a daze

I'm just totally sapped of energy today. I didn't get out of my pajamas til almost 4pm. I wasn't sleepy, just absolutely no energy and really tired. It didnt' help that the rest of our little family is getting sick. Lindsey is getting over her sickness, Jason caught some stomach bug, and Chloe is starting to sniffle. In fact, to protect me from getting what he had, Jason spent last night at his parent's house and I stayed with the girls and my mom slept over. Amazingly, Lindsey slept all night for once! That was a relief. Chloe slept with me and every time she turned over or whimpered, I was there with a bucket in case she needed to urp or something. So I didn't get a consistent night's sleep.

Yesterday was weird. I had to go back to the cancer center to get a shot. I don't know if it was that or not, but I was really out of it. On the way home in the car, I couldn't hear Lindsey saying my name over and over and I would make remarks that didn't make sense or think I was cuddling Chloe and she wasn't there. I think I freaked my mom out. I felt like an idiot when I figured out what was going on.

I mostly stayed in bed today and drifted in and out. I tried to make some dinner, but the few minutes it took to do that got my cold and clammy and shaky. It's like my strength has deserted me and I can't keep control. I get feelings of nausea now and then, but no worse then when I was pregnant. I keep taking bits of hair and pulling it to see if it's falling out yet, but nothing has happened. Kind of silly I guess.

I have to say the dinners that have been brought to us this week have been wonderful. First night was cobb salad and ice cream and french bread. Next night was Papa Murphy's which I made dh take to his parents and share with everyone since I couldn't eat. Last night was again fabulous. Chicken with rice, a wonderful fruit salad, homemade bread, and cupcakes. I couldn't get enough of any of it. So thanks to all the wonderful helpers that made dinner for us this week.

My first chemo treatment

I hope I can remember all this and not mess up my words. The meds I'm on right now are treating me really weird. So yesterday morning, I go to the cancer center in Vancouver. The reasearch nurse Becky met me there with my mom and was very calm and reassuring me, etc. She told me the leg of the trial I would be on would include the extra meds they are testing out. I won't pay for the extra stuff, but the just other regular normal chemo. I got weighed and my bp taken and then went into the treatment room.

It's a large room place with recliners shaped in an L shape around the perimeter of the wall and then two short rows of chairs in the middle facing away from each other. There was a big wall of windows and a large area for the nurses to work from For the patients there was a little kitchenette where people brought goodies and the staff had provided drinks of every kind and a microwave for coffee, tea, and soups. There were two tables with plenty of rooms for puzzles to help the time go by faster.

They got me in my chair and stuck me in the port area and ended up taking at least 6-7 different vials of blood for my labs. The worst part was the liticane they gave me to numb the port area. When they stuck the big needle in, I didn't feel a thing. So I immediately got a bag of saline and then a little while later some intravenous anti nausea meds. We thought it would take a very long time for everything, so Mom was able to leave and run some errands.

When I walked in that treatment room, I was nervous. But there was such warmth and love and kindness and understanding there. We were all there for a common purpose and so there was a type of comraderie among the patients though it was necessarily spoken outloud. One lady with a neat haircut came out of the bathroom while I was waiting for it and said I looked like it was my first day. It was. She said you can always tell. It was her second. Another lady I met was wonderful too. She had the most beautiful skin that I couldn't get over it. We three ladies managed to get chair in a triangular shape near each other and would talk once in a while. I turns out that one lady is going on Monday to the same program I am in Portland, Look Good, Feel Beter program where you get tips and help on how to wear makeup while in cancer treamtents and a big bag of goodies to take home. So it was nice to know I would see someone I recognised. So I kind of have two buddies that I will know for futher treatments when I go in. Tanya who's on her 2nd treatment and Donna who's on her 3rd. We all had a good time talking, or at least I did.

I got a foot massage! They had students from Ashmead college come and give all the patients massages if they liked. I didn't want anyone touching my neck and shoulders, but Daniel came and gave me a great foot massage will I waited for the meds to do their thing. I guess every Thursday they give pedicures and manicures too. I would so love a pedicure.

The nurses that did my stuff were great. I got saline first, then IV antinausea meds and that was in for awile. Then the "red devil" or A chemo and the C hemo went in. The A chemo they put in these big plastic syringe and it really did look like kool aid going in. But the nurse pushed it in and then the C chemo was dripped into my IV and that was that. Once that was over, I was done and on my way. I started getting a big of a buzz in my head like a too much sugar headache and that was it. A little shaky but otherwise okay.

Mom and I ended up going somewhere between appointments, but the thought is already gone. I hink we got dad some lunch at Burverville. Then I was back up to Dr. Gray's office and had my saline fill. I took some percoset before hand and it was a pice of cake. It hurt, but not terribly. I was doing so well that I thought I would take time to go to Wamart and get a couple of things. As soon as I got in there, I was in bad shape. I couldn't even push the cart well. So once I caught up with my mom, she had to take over. I bought a couple of things and then we went home. I was hot and clammy, nauseated, shaky, felt funky all over and a headache. The hot flash part seemed to last all afternoon and it seemed like I was on fire on the inside. It didn't have anything to do with the weather either.

Most of the evening was a blur. I mostly ate soda crackers and had sips of Walmart water. Everyone at home was real gentle to me so tha was nice because I just couldn't function for a while. Lindsey woke up in the night with some puking. She got a little wild over at Grandma's last night when Jason went to pick up Chloe. And it all came back to bit her in the bum once she went to bed. She spewed all over Jason and the couch and it just reeks.

Jason called me today and said he's sick. Chloe's already over at Grandma's house and it sounds like Chloe and Jason will spend the night there and Lindsey will come home with me.

I had a weird morning. My mom came and picked me up to go back to the doctor's for a shot. Something to do with my bone marrow. I guess it can make you really achy in your joints and stuff. On the way home, I was really drowsy and sort of hallucinating. I thought Chloe had curled up next to me and I was going to kiss her head. I bent down to kiss her and she wasn't there. That happened a few times where I was just relaxing in the car on the way home and these short little daydreams or halliciations would happen. We got home and pretty soon, other grandma came and picked up Lindsey for the afternoon. So curled up in the chair and didn't hear the phone ring, or my mom trying to talk to me, or anything. Somehow I woke up pretty coherent so she could vacuum. Then she went home and I fell into bed. Slept off and on till about 40 minutes ago. I could gladly get back into bed and stay there for the rest of the day. But Lindsey is coming back home in 90 minutes and I have to back bags for the other two peole staying at Grandma's house.

They only things I've noticed that are differnt today are that I can't spell, my words that I speak take more time to say coming out, and I'm just in a fog. I get a bit nauseated and eat my crackers and drink water. I wish I could just have my mom come and take care of me with the rest of my family gone but doing it here in my house. I don't want to think of people moving in tomorrow or anything. I hope I can handle it all.

Okay, chemo REALLY starts tomorrow this time

Or maybe not.

Lindsey woke up and immediately started throwing up. She threw up every half hour till about noon. I couldn't feel a fever so I didn't give her any meds. But she wanted her milk sippy cup so bad all the time but she kept throwing it up. Nothing stayed down. So I panicked and called my dh. Part of me is feeling rotten because my baby is sick and then the other selfish part of me is worried that I will get sick and not do the chemo tomorrow. But somehow I was able to get Jason to come home from work and help me take care of her. I don't know how, but as soon as he said he was coming home, Lindsey stopped throwing up. She had been crying for Daddy all morning long and would drift in and out of sleep. Once he showed up, she would still sleep now and then for a few minutes but didn't throw up again. She's been drinking all day and had a couple of good wet diapers and one very painful bm. So painful that she was screaming in pain with tears running down her face. I wanted to cry for her. I HATE seeing my babies in pain.

So taking care of Lindsey distracted me to a point today so that I didn't think every single second of starting chemo tomorrow. But I'm trying to get as much info as possible on what to expect and it feels like I'm trying to grab onto fog. You know it's there, you can see it, but you can't make sense of it. I know what to expect, what I've been told, etc., but until you've actually been through it, I don't think you can really get a clue on what it's going to be like.

Since I wasn't able to do my chemo on Tuesday, I had to schedule it tomorrow with my saline fill in the afternoon. Not the best choice and I'm scared about how I will handle everything. I am freaked out about throwing up and hope that I don't get naseated. Then being in extreme pain from the saline fill even though I'm handling it better and better. To make matters perfect, it's my time of the month to start tonight!!! Do I know how to plan things or what? Let's see if we can make Heidi's day as awful as possible. DING!!!! We did it!!!! WHOO HOO!!!!!

But think good thoughts for me. Pray that I don't get sick to my stomach. Pray that I won't cry like a baby at any time or will embarrass myself. Pray that I can handle the pain and be okay with everything going on. I'm just so scared.

False alarm, no chemo tomorrow

I went into my oncologist appointment expecting to get final instructions on starting chemo tomorrow. I had my muga study or heart test this morning and I was prepared mentally and wanting to get things done at home to be ready too. Then the doctor tells me that they didn't get all the info they needed in time for me to be registered for the clinical trial by tomorrow. So Thursday at 10am I have my first treatment. They said to expect it to last 4 hours. Mom went with me to the appointment and I got to check out the treatment room. All the chairs were comfy looking recliners so that was nice. I might be a wuss and bring my Froggie.

So the muga study this morning was very easy. I got sent to nuclear meds (!!!) and was registered by a friend I used to work with years ago at the bookstore. That's insane! I met someone I used to work with there just the other day and now another person. It's just too funny to see these people after 10 years or so and we all knew each other.

Anyways, I got an IV put in as soon as I was called back. They immediately gave me a dose of something and exactly 20 minutes later I got the radioactive stuff that helped them see the pictures or video of my heart that the techs needed. So I lay down on this table that is just the width of my computer keyboard. The camera was like a giant circle that went over the bed like being on a table with a doughnut sliding over me. The camera thingy looked flat on one side, basically like what a chest xray looks like. I was positioned all over and then had to stay still for 15 minutes while the techs watched my heart do it's thing. I'm certain it's because sometimes chemo can mess with your heart and they want to see how my heart is working now and then afterwards too. It was a totally painless thing, I didn't feel the radioactive stuff going in and it didn't make me feel weird or anything at all. Once they got their video, they showed it to me. Pretty cool to see your own heart beating. They took out my IV and I was gone within 90 minutes or so. Thank goodness!!

Everyone likes my new short haircut. I do too once I styled it the way I liked. I figured I wanted it short and to try something totally different than I would normally ever do. Course if I don't like it, I can shave it off and everything will be fine! It's gonna come out anyways. lol

Good thing of the day...hmmmm.....

I got my People magazine today. I was able to run all over Portland and Vancouver and then walk the mall in Clackamas and not drop of exhaustion. I feel so tired all the time and never seem to get a chance to take a nap. I did lay on the couch this afternoon, and if the phone hadn't of rung when it did, I would still be there. I just want to sleep without feeling guilty for doing it.

Happy Mother's Day!!

So Saturday marked one month from having my mastecomy. It's hard to believe that it's been a month! So many things have happened in that time. I went into the hospital then not really knowing what I was getting into. I never would have imagined what my life would be like today. Never! Just last week alone I had at least 4-5 doctor appointments or treatments. This week I have two doctor appointments, a saline fill, a mugastudy or heart test at the hospital, and my first chemo treatment. I've been to the hospital 3 times in the last month. I'm sure they know me by my first name now. I've stopped going into appointments hoping for the best. I go now fearing the worst.

A couple of good things happened this week. My saline fill went very well. I don't know if it was the pain meds I took well before the appointment or because it wasn't as bad as before. Either way, I'm grateful for how well I was able to handle the pain. After the saline fill, Mom and I went to pick up Shannon at B&N where she works. As we are coming up to the door, a lady I used to work with at my bookstore years ago walks out with her family. I haven't seen her in years and I have missed her so much. I just stopped and stared at her. I said her name. she saw me, and I was able to hug her and talk for a few minutes. She was on her way to see her first grandbaby be born. I got her phone number and plan to call her this week. She is truly one of the best people I used to know. Can't wait to get back in contact with her.

The other good thing is kind of simple. I haven't cooked a meal or even tried to follow a recipe since before I went for my surgery last month. I've made one dish and that's it. No real desire to cook or try anything. I love to cook and though I'm not great, I'm persistent in finding new things to try that my family will enjoy. So when we were waiting to get Shannon, I decided to splurge and get some Taste of Home magazines. I saw there were three different kinds and got all three. One was the regular monthly one, another had all recipe card recipes, and the other was called Simple and Delicious. I flipped through them and got all excited to cook. I kept finding all these wonderful easy recipes to try out. So many choices! I ended up making one of the dishes last week and included one of the side dishes that was mentioned and even the girls ate it! I was so happy and content again. I had that part of me back that I missed. So much of me changed after surgery and I didn't feel like myself anymore. Just the hull of what I used to be. But seeing my friend and cooking again made me feel like me again and more excited than I had been in a while.

I also decided this week to get my hair cut. I know I wanted it short but didn't know the style. So I asked all my good lady friends on the internet what they thought and got some great ideas. From there I picked a few of my favorites and took them to my dh's aunt. She's a hairdresser and had offered before to cut my hair as her way of helping us out. She's a very strong, loud, opinionated, softie in a crusty old broad's body. She saw the hair style I wanted and helped me get it as close as would allow with my facial structure. I had jokingly asked if she could help me color it purple. She didn't have the right dye for it but she did offer to frost it for me. After her and her dh talking about it and then with me, we agreed that dyeing my hair might not be so great with chemicals getting into my scalp and me so close to starting chemo treatment. We didn't want the tiniest thing stopping me. She she frosted my hair with white blond streaks so it wouldn't touch the scalp and cause possible irritation or burns. I was a little nervous at first, but she did an wonderful job. I hate how she styled my hair, but the cut itself was awesome. So unlike me to do something like this. So this morning, I wet it down, used the flat iron, and I love how it turned out. Dh says he likes it, but he didn't seem as enthusiastic as he did last night. I like it and everyone at church had only positive things to say.

It was so fun to do this hair cut too. I know I will lose my hair shortly, and wouldn't have another chance to be a bit different and get out of my comfort zone. The girls approved of my hair and Lindsey kept showing me off to everyone at my inlaws when we came to pick them up. She would ruffle my hair on top and give me kisses on my forehead. Chloe was shyer, but she kept touching me hair and checking it out. I think she approves.

So why am I up at 11:58pm on Sunday night? Because I can't sleep because my mind is whirring like crazy with everything happening this week. No one to talk to because everyone that is in their right minds are asleep! lol I wish I could be braver. I want to be better but I don't know how.

Fun Friday

So I woke up today and was not ready to start the day. The fact that I was up from 5something on didn't help my mood. Plus I was aching from the day before and I couldn't take anything very strong since I had to take care of the girls and drive Chloe to school. So I popped some ibuprophen and tried to ignore it. The girls were easy to get up and dressed and that helped a lot.

I was excited for this afternoon. I was going to pick up Chloe and take her and Lindsey to the bishop's home. His wife is a daycare lady and when the girls found out we were going there, Lindsey jumped up and down all over the house and Chloe got a big happy grin on her face. Almost made me feel bad how fast they got into their house. Didn't even look back or say goodbye to me. (sniff, sniff) But I was able to go do a quick grocery shopping trip and eat lunch while watching Roseanne instead of Barney or the Wiggles. I indulged and bought some double stuff Oreos and had that for lunch. I also was able to finally take a stronger med and take a quick nap. Thank goodness I set the kitchen timer. If I hadn't, I would have slept till Jason came home. lol

I missed a call from the cancer center. Apparently, Dr. Brouns wants me to go have a muga study. Which is an acronym for having a test to check my heart before and after chemo. I will go to the hospital and have two injections. Then they will take different types of pictures of my heart. I believe this is for the clinical trial I am apart of. They can check to see if the chemo changes my heart rate or anything about it and now that I'm over the shock of that, I see the benefits of it. I just hope the bill isn't too bad. That's in the morning. I see Dr. Brouns in the afternoon to hopefully set up the meds I need for chemo the next morning. I'm so nervous for it!!

I've had a hard time finding good things going on lately. Everything always seems to carry some type of bad news. When Jason would have days that didn't always go well, I'd ask him to tell me one good thing that happened that day, even if it was getting a seat on the bus instead of standing up. So I'm going to try that too. So one of the best things that happened today was that because of one of the best families in the ward, I was able to relax and take a much needed nap. I haven't rested much since the saline fill yesterday and it felt so nice to just sit and watch tv while I rested up. So thank you very much Peacock family!!

My easiest saline fill yet

My last doctor's appointment of the week was this afternoon! I've been through at least 4-5 this week alone. I had an unexpected one this morning at my regular doctor's office. I woke up with what felt like the beginning of bronchitis in my lungs. Since I'm starting chemo next week, I wanted to make sure it was nothing. But they were worried and asked me to come in. It was good because I haven't actually seen my regular doctor since I got diagnosed and it was good to see her in person. The nurses were all concerned and worried about me. I've been going to this doctor for years now and she knows me and my family very well. I got an EKG done and she listened to my heart and lungs and checked all around and everything's normal. I had a chest xray done yesterday and they were able to have it read stat for the appointment today. Good news is that the cancer has not metastized and I have clear lungs so no infection with pneumonia or bronchitis. It is probably a late result from anesthsia or just the chest wall healing. But everyone had to come and have a look at me. My doctor, the assistant, and especially the doctor that first told me to go have a mammagram in the first place. She heard I was there and didn't want to leave till she got to say hi and have a look. When I saw her, like all the others there, she gave me a giant hug. I didn't know what to say to her. How do you say thank you for being the one that felt the same lump and sent me on the course of action I'm on now that has saved my life? Words failed me.

I had a saline fill today too. Extremely painful but I took some percoset 45 minutes before the exam so I was ready and it didn't hurt as bad as it has before. She put in 75cc but it put me over the edge, so she took out the last 5 and that was just fine. It's getting easier and easier each time to deal with it. I know the pain is completely gone in 2 days or less and today was the same. Extreme pain when it went in but I was able to manage it better. That makes me feel great! Dr. Gray did give me a new prescription for percoset since I was running out. But I'm only using it when I absolutely need it which has only been after her appointments and after I had the port put in. I'm really proud of myself on taking as few pills as possible. I don't want to WANT to have them too much and only use them when I absolutely have to.

I wrote a bunch more stuff but somehow all of the paragraphs were eaten by the computer and I'm too tired to try and write it all out again. I will try tomorrow. I'm going to try and get back in the habit of reading my scriptures again. I've not been very successful lately and I need to be better about it.

Met a new doctor yesterday

I met Dr Schneider yesterday. He's my radiation oncologist. As soon as he said hello I felt instantly comfortable. His nurse came in to talk to me first about radiation and all it entails. She gave me her card and said to call her any time which made me feel better. When the doctor came in, it made me wonder if he was old enough to be a doctor. He looked really young and just didn't seem like a doctor type.

I didn't want to be there in the first place because I was so sure I wouldn't be having radiation. I took one doctor's words as gospel and assumed that I wouldn't have to deal with it. But like everything that has gone on before, it wasn't true. I will be having radiation and it will start one month after the chemo ends. I was really shook up over it but trying not to show it. Then he started talking about possibly dealing with deflating or taking out my tissue expander and I totally panicked and started to cry. The pain from having saline put in is incredible and I can't go through having to do that all over again. He promised me that in 15 years, he's never had to remove an expander, just deflate it. So I think I can deal with that and hopefully it won't be as bad as I'm thinking it will be.

Chemo starts next Tuesday. I met with the research nurse Becky on Monday or Tuesday and she informed me of what they want to do. She was just incredible. Very understanding and kind and wonderful with me when I was having an emotional moment. I knew chemo would start, but actually having a starting date and time is a little scary. I've had everything described to me so that I know what to expect so I'm not as nervous as I was before even though I'm still scared. The actual process doesn't sound so bad, but dealing with the aftermath is what I'm worried about.

I'm a very private person normally and now my ward is stepping up and trying to help out. They want to get people to help with the girls, drive me to appointments and help out in other ways. I'm so shy and private that I almost would rather be in pain and do it quietly than reach out and ask for help. I would feel so awkward and shy if someone came to be here while I took a nap and watched the girls. Or was trying to help me while I sat on my rear end no matter what type of pain I was in. That's another thing. I love the family that is setting up to help me. Just absolutely adore them and love everything about them. But the kids are coming to help me and it's just plain hard! I taught two of them in my Sunday School class and for them to see me in pain and kind of helpless is hard for me to handle because it breaks the teacher/student relationship that I had in my mind and embarrasses me. I just want to bawl to think of grossing them out or not look like I do on Sundays. That's so hard to explain and I don't want them to not help me, I just want them to know it's so hard on a very shy person when that boundry is crossed. At least in my mind. Besides, accepting help is so hard because I have absolutely nothing to give in return. In my mind, I just can't do that. So one more thing to learn and deal with.

I'm kind of scared of going to church once my hair falls out. How are people going to treat me? Will they treat me different or not notice or make jokes to try to make things easier for everyone? Will I even feel well enough to do it? Or will I cower at home like a coward? I just hope that I can find the right scarf or hat to wear that will look good for church.

I'm not even going to think about my job right now. If I could quit and we could afford the money, I would do it in a heartbeat. No matter how much Jason helps me, I worry constantly about everything I've done and should have done and haven't done. I don't have the strength to deal with everything anymore or the emotions.

How many doctors does it take?

I was counting them down yesterday and have another one to add to the list. Here goes:

Dr Lam- dentist
Dr Rosenbarger - orthodontist
Becky- research nurse for chemo clinical trial
Dr Kilway- surgeon
Dr Gray- reconstructive surgeon
Dr Brouns- medical oncologist
Dr Schneider- radiation oncologist
Dr Hughes -regular physician
Dr Richardson - opthamologist
Dr Blouch- interventive radiologist
Dr Jane - radiologist

All of whom I've seen in the last 2 months. Not bad having at least 10 doctors/nurses who have met me and seen me at my "best".

2nd surgery today

I had a port put in today in a same day surgery. I was so worried and nervous beforehand. I was remembering the last time I went in the hospital it was so awful and I was worried it would be that way again.

This was a piece of cake!!! I had a blessing last night by my dad that helped so much. I was able to sleep okay and even though I didn't have a chance to eat this morning, I was able to have my regular chocolate milk like always. It's a good thing, because I didn't have a chance to eat for 24 hours! From 7pm last night til after 6 pm tonight. But I got the girls taken care of and made it back home with seconds to spare before my wonderful ride showed up to take me to Vancouver. Sister Herbert was awesome and took me to the hospital on her day off. I got there at 10:41am and was sent to the cath lab waiting room after being driven in a wheelchair by a very old lady. My mom showed up shortly afterwards and we waited for about 2 hours before I went back to have my IV started and blood drawn. Then we waited some more before they had a bed ready for me. I guess they had a brand new computer system and some other procedures were taking longer than others so time just dragged forever.

I finally got a bed and had the doctor come and talk to me and sign papers. His name was Dr. Bloch and he's a interventive radiologist. I had to ask because I had no idea if he was a surgeon or what. But he reassured me what his job was and told me he had performed over a 1000 of these ports and had previously worked at University of Washington and had the most experience of any of the guys at this particular hospital. He wasn't bragging, he was reassuring me that he knew what he was doing. I was grateful for his time he took with me as well as the nurses that I dealt with.

The guy left my chart there and since I was bored, I read it! Very entertaining. lol Everything is in it's own little section. Hospital orders, diagnosis, doctor orders, etc. I was in a weird mood and when I got the recovery and release section, there was nothing there. So I told my mom this and said they must think I'm going to DIE!!!! You had to be there but it made both of us laugh so hard that I think we woke up the patient in the next curtained area.

So I get some stuff that makes me a bit drowsy and off we went to the OR. They got me on the table and got me all hooked up and ready to go. When they started, I thought that I would fall asleep or at least get really really out of it. It felt like when I get my pain meds after my saline fill. The worst part was getting my IV in or when they gave me the numbing meds so they could put the port in. There was a lot of tugging and pulling and that's it. they kept asking if I was asleep but I never did even get the feeling that I wanted to. I was totally alert and asked questions once in a while. I got back to my curtain and less than 20 minutes later I was up and having to go to the bathroom. I went home about 45 minutes after that.

I feel a small bump under my skin is all. Not too much pain, just some achiness. Thank goodness today is over! I took some strong meds and I'm going to go get some good sleep now. Whew!!!!

I'm plain wiped out

Have you ever been so emotionally exhausted that all you feel you can do is cry? This has been a weird emotional week for me. I found out about future chemo treatment, having same day surgery on Monday, went to a funeral for a friend my age, met up with many people I haven't seen in years, and my baby brother gets married. So I've gone through lots of different emotions this week. From fear, anger, disappointment, sorrow, and grief to happiness, pride, and laughter. I woke up this morning and couldn't handle it anymore. I lay in bed with Jason and started to just cry and feel so worthless. Then I called my mom and completely let loose everything I was feeling. I felt like I wasn't contributing or doing anything at all while my husband was working his butt off for me, covering at my job for me while taking care of the girls and his job too. My inlaws and my mom have taken care of the girls so much that I feel so incredibly guilty. And what do I have to show for it? Sometimes I feel physical pain, but mostly I feel the same that I always have. It's just hard to accept.

I was reading in this great book that Shannon got me about breast cancer. It mentions different reactions women go through once they learn they have this disease. There's anger, not remembering anything, denial, detachment, fear, guilt and blame, and sadness and grief. I realized after reading that when I got my diagnosis, I was totally detached from the situation. I registered the fact that I had this disease or situation, but by distancing myself from it, I made sure it was far away enough so it wouldn't hurt me. But by doing THAT, I was making it even harder on myself. It says in there that by being detached, I was allowing myself to think that breast cancer is a minor problem that can be easily fixed. So when I see other people treating me like I'm fragile, I think they're nuts!! So every time I have gone through something, I think it's hurt so much more that I was initially expecting. The shock value with everything has gone up.

I was shocked that the surgery was as painful as it was and that it was so hard to lose my breast. I was wiped out while in the hospital after the dye was injected for the biopsy because it HURT. Before I was detached from everything, but after that, it ripped me away from my private "safe" place and put me in a place where there was enourmous pain, fear, and the unknown. Each step I go to I start out detached and end up smacked into realization that it's NOT as easy as I think it's going to be, it's NOT going to be the least painful solution, and I'm NOT going to breeze through this like it's a walk in the park.

I may look and act like I have it all together, but I don't always do that. There are days that I want to pull the covers over my head and I feel like I'm totally worthless. I panic at every little thing that I need to do even though there's no need. I didn't do my VTing, I haven't been to an Enrichment meeting in a while, are they going to release me? Sometimes a bad part of me wishes I could just fade into the background for a while and not have a calling. Am I going to be fired from my job because I can't show apartments and I'm forgetting to do things?

I do really well most of the time. What I write down here about the bad stuff is just a very minor part of how I'm doing. But sometimes those minor parts just explode in me and I have to find a way to release them or I burst. I don't want people to think I'm nuts or crazy or a wreck or need help all the time because I don't. This blog saves me from having to see a psychologist which is one doctor I definitely don't want to see!!!! I write out how I feel and almost always feel much better afterwards.

But in the end, I don't recommend going to a funeral, a wedding, oncologist, reconstructive surgeon, be in constant pain, all in the same week. It leads to WAY too many upset emotional feelings and I can't afford to go through another week using that much kleenex.

So busy today!!!!

Today was very eventful. Both good and bad things together. First of all, the pain I had from the fill was more constant and I took pain pills to manage it. I woke up at 6 something this morning and was up for a bit. Then I went back to sleep and except for a brief moment waking up and going potty, I feel asleep again and didn't get up til 11:30am. I've never done that before! I then got up and with help, managed to make the dessert I promised for John's rehearsal dinner. Then I got dressed and raced over to Vancouver for the funeral of a friend I grew up with.

It was rather unsettling to go to this funeral. I was friends with T but I was closer to his older brother. T was riding his motorcycle last week and lost control and was killed instantly when he hit an SUV. I hear that he was dragged underneath the car and was banged up pretty good. The family wasn't allowed to see him til he was cleaned up in the mortuary. T was my age and graduated from high school with me and he always had a smile on his face and was kind and quiet. It's hard to imagine someone my age dying let alone T. It just doesn't make sense. But in a weird sort of way, with my breast cancer, I had more of a chance of dying than he did before the accident. The church was full and I was glad. He was a good guy and to be honest, I was able to meet up with some people I hadn't seen in a while and it was really nice to get reaquainted.

Then it was on to John's rehearsal dinner. We had awesome food prepared by Mom and various helpers. Such good meat and the pasta salad was wonderful. Everyone including Katie's mom was asking how I was and being very concerned about me. I appreciate the concern and care, but I wasn't there for that. It was Katie and John's time and I didn't want to take away from that. So anytime anyone talked to me about how I was, I tried to steer it away or I told them to ask me after the wedding. I wasn't trying to be mean, but I didn't want the focus on me but on the bride and the groom.

I was annoyed with one thing. I guess since I had my saline fill, I'm a fragile little thing. I know I'll bug someone by writing this, but I can't hide how I feel. Sorry Mom! But everytime I tried to do anything, someone would tell me to sit down or I shouldn't be doing that. Uh, if I felt good enough to help, I was going to help! Telling me I can't or shouldn't do something just makes me angry. I know my limits and I know when to stop. When I started to hurt, I sat down and took it easy. I slipped out the door to go to the bathroom and I guess I caused a minor panic. No one knew where I was and my mom came searching for me. While I appreciate the care and the love, I was JUST GOING PEE. I half teased Jason when I got back that I would stand on the table and announce it next time so no one worries about where I went.

I started to hurt just after dinner, so we didn't stay to help set up. Lindsey was losing it and I was starting to be in pain, so we were sent home. I wasn't too upset though I felt bad about not even helping to set up for the reception. Hopefully I will be in better shape tomorrow and can do something to be of help.

I get to take a shower tomorrow. I'm so excited but kind of scared that it will hurt. But it's been three weeks since I had a proper hot water shower where all of me all at once could get wet and clean. Washing my hair in the sink and other body parts one at a time has definite drawbacks. Yuck!!!

Wow, that wasn't bad at all

Well, sort of. I had a saline fill as I call them today. I was very prepared and took some narcotics about 45 minutes before the appointment when we dropped the girls off at the babysitters. I managed to pick up my glasses at the eye doctor and then we went to my appointment with Dr. Gray for the fill. Last week was the most painful fill of all and I wanted to just cry and cry all day when it was over. This week was such a difference! I don't know if it was the meds I took early or what it was.

The appointment went great. I let her know that when I saw my oncologist that he said I didn't have to have the tissue expander taken out and could continue with the fills. She was happy and I was happy too. This hurts so much that I don't think I could really stand to have it taken out and start over again after treatment. The other good news is that I got my drain taken out! I had the other one out last week but this drain was still between 20-25cc and it had to be below 20cc to be taken out. So when I drained it this morning, it was like only 15cc! So it's out and I'm grateful. She did it after the fill and I didn't even feel her touching the drain site let alone take it out. The area is still numb so I couldn't feel anything.

But to the saline fill itself. I had my meds early, Jason was there to help calm my nerves and it went very smoothly. I didn't feel her stick me, but I could feel the pressure slowly build up. I was gripping Jason's arm and I kept getting a tighter and tighter grip on him as the pressure built up. When she stopped, I was surprised. I asked if that was all and she said it was and I said I could handle more. So she gave me a bit more for a total of 75 cc. Last week she barely made 60 ccs and I had to ask her to stop. She said the 2nd week is always harder but this week was very good. So I asked her how much she was going to fill it up and she said up to 600cc or so. I found out I'm at 275cc after today with an average fill of 60cc, maybe 75 cc on a good day. So I figure I have close to 5 more fills and then I'm done. I was feeling so good for a bit that I was ready to go visit Kristen and Manase since they came in for the wedding today. But after standing waiting for 5 minutes to make an appointment and wanting to faint, I figured it was better to go home after all.

I'm nice and filled with happy pills and floating on a cloud. I got bored and tried to call someone but I was a little too happy for my mom and she called Dad who called Jason who was then told to come home and maybe check on me. So no more calling people when I'm floating on a cloud. Worries too many people. lol I do love that feeling of total relaxation and not feeling pain. On days of these saline fills, a sneeze or even a hiccup rips my chest apart and kills me.

I've been looking at websites that sell hats and scarves for chemo patients. Most of them look great, but the models look bizarre. Doesn't instill the greatest confidence in me but I guess that doesn't matter. I bet if I got the right dimensions, I could buy some nicely patterned silk and make my own scarves or better yet, I buy the fabric and Mom can make the stuff for me. Now THAT sounds like a better plan. She does such a great job, I could look at her quilted stuff all day long.

I'm having problems concentrating right now so I will stop writing before I embarrass myself by writing something I shouldn't. So all in all, it was a great appointment. Gorgeous weather today and Jason got our swing set up yesterday with Chloe's help. So now I can sit in our nice swing and watch the girls play outside. I knew I loved spring for a reason!!

My first official oncology appointment

Well, it wasn't as bad as it could have been.

Jason went with me and we met with Dr. Braun. He's the medical oncologist. He is basically setting up all future oncology treatment. I went in thinking that I could possibly have radiation, chemotherapy, and possibly have my tissue expander taken out and not put back in til after radiation. That was the worst case scenario.

What happened was that he doesn't think I will have to deal with radiation. What a relief!!! I was so worried about that. 5 days a week for 6 weeks would have been so hard while trying to make sure the girls were okay and had a place to be and were taken care of. That was my biggest concern besides my job.

What will happen is that it's probable I won't have radiation. I most definitely will have chemo. I had set myself up for it and prepared myself for it, so it wasn't a surprise. He also said that I won't have to have my tissue expander taken out. Another huge relief. As much has that thing hurts, I want it over and done with instead of stopping treatment now and dealing with it later.

He went over all the choices of chemo for me to have. I could have the AC+Taxol or a variety of 3 different kinds if I went with a clinical trial. He gave me the 20 pages of consent form to do this and I will return it at my next appointment. I'm all for a clinical trial. Like he said, the worst that will happen with it is that I will have the same chemo I would have with regular treatment. The best that can happen is that I would have chemo plus one drug they use for advanced breast cancer and it can help my odds even better than normal. I can't even pronounce the drug, it starts with a G is all I remember. He also told me that they usually do one treatment every 3 weeks for 6 months. But they also can do it every 2 weeks for 4 months and get it over with. For me, that's what they would do. So I can still do my tissue expander saline fill every week while going through chemo and I can be done with all treatments and surgery by Christmas at the latest I believe.

Thanks to advice from a friend, I will have a port put in next week. I go in Monday to the hospital and have same day surgery for this. I will be in and out within 4 hours or so. I'll have my mil watch the girls and have someone drop me off and pick me up after it's done. I had my blood drawn today and I will have a chest xray next Wednesday and then meet with a radiation oncologist the same day. Dr. Brauns said that they usually start chemo within 6 weeks of surgery. It will be 3 weeks this Thursday for me so within a month I will start chemo. He also said I will do it at the cancer center there and it will take between 2.5-4 hours and after the first time or so, I will be able to drive myself there. He said that my hair will fall out within 3 weeks of the first treatment. I am going to color my hair blue and then have Jason's aunt shave it off. I just hope I can still be brave then.

So all in all, I left the appointment in a pretty good mood. I was totally prepared for the chemo so that doesn't bother me too much. I'm thrilled that I probably won't have radiation and even happier that the tissue expander doesn't have to come out. That thing hurts like a bugger, but I'm worried that if they had to take it out, that I would be too terrified to have them put it back in and go through the pain all over again.

I don't plan to go the wig route. I say this now, but we'll see. I plan to have a ton of hats and scarves in all sorts of colors and patterns. While at the cancer center, I saw two people with scarves or turbans and two or three with wigs. The ladies in hats looked a hell of a lot better than the ones with really bad wigs. I just hope if I go that way that I don't look that obvious.