My trip, part 2

Before they had a welcoming reception, we had our first workshop. It was lame, stupid, and a waste of time. I thought it would be one thing and it wasn't. A lot of people walked out. After that was the welcoming reception where a lot of people got together and had appetizers and drinks. That wasn't near enough to fill you up, so the 4 nondrinkers from our group ended up walking over to Chili's together for dinner. One baldie, one with just fuzz, and the other two with like an inch or two of hair. We were quite a group I must say. But it was great to sit together and chat and we all KNEW exactly what the others meant and felt. It was amazing. After we got back to the hotel, we split up. I went back to my room and enjoyed the hottest shower I could stand just because I wasn't paying the bill. Then my roommate showed up with a friend I ate with at breakfast. Jacki had a pyscho roommate and my roommate Dace was another lady that we immediately clicked. She didn't drink and so that was a relief. We sat in our room and talked and talked, the three of us, for hours. It was like almost 2pm when we finally turned the light off.

I have educated myself very well on breast cancer, so a lot of the stuff they taught at the conference was not news. But it was still nice to have it all validated by the experts. The morning group session was nice but nothing new. Then the breaks were spent chatting with new found friends and meeting more ladies from my support bb in person. There was never a bad word spoken, no people getting feelings hurt or anything because we all knew exactly what the other was going through. I haven't found that anywhere, not even in the church. There were women from all over the world. Ladies from Austria, Australia, Kenya, Israel, and other far off nations. All with the same problems and concerns. The next group session was so awesome. She was talking about what I really had questions about and I went and bought her book afterwards. Each person that spoke at the conference had breast cancer and most had written a book and was available to buy in the hall with all the other exhibitors. She made up for the bad session last night. Then a boring lunch, and on to session two. Having my lymph nodes taken out, there are certain exercises I can't do or should be very careful of. So I went to a class that taught what was okay and not okay to do. I'm going to go get a strength ball when I get the money again.

After a break and lunch, it was time for the third session, and the best one by far. Ronnie Kaye was a psychotherapist who had breast cancer and recurrences. She was supposed to talk on "Moving On: Discovering your New Normal". She tossed it out the window and asked what we wanted to know about. She talked to us from a survivor point of view and told us to watch out for PWACs(people without a clue).

I found so many truths that I needed to hear and learn from. I feel that people see me as Heidi and she has breast cancer written on her forehead and that's who she is. But I'm not, I'm so much more than that. These may sound simple and not make sense, but it was like a lightbulb going off in my head.
Here's what I learned:
*Don't just define me as just breast cancer, I'm so much more than that.
*Breast cancer occured to me, not who I am now
* I am not breast cancer
*Get your feelings validated
*When a friend on support group dies, remember it's okay to feel sad, but remember, This is not about me, This is not about me .
Because I really do feel sad when someone dies. More than just the sadness when someone dies. It's deeper than that. It's because I'm sad they're gone and also, because they had breast cancer and I could die of it too. I'm not immortal.

The other one is why do I feel so much grief over breast cancer? It's because of my love that I feel towards others, especially my family. I feel sad and upset because of what my family has to go through and what could happen if anything happens to me.

The other thing was when someone stood up and described when someone asks how she's doing, they do it in that "tone" and then they feel they need to tell them, "well I have so many treatments left, my chemo is under control, the side effects are doing this to me... " Ronnie cut her off and asked her if she was willing to be honest with herself. The lady said yes. Then Ronnie asked her, "How are you doing", and she said simply, " I feel like crap". Everyone cheered. So I thought about it. How do I feel about everything going on in my life, all the struggles, worries, and sickness and surgeries. How do I personally feel in my life. Well, I came up with, I am tired. I feel so exhausted from all of it. These are such simple things, but I needed to hear it and believe it. And I do now.

She talked about a lot more stuff, but those were the main points I wrote down. I didn't get her book, but I'm going to when I can again. It's called "Spinning Straw into Gold". Soooooo good. I could have sat there for hours and listened to her. Guess I might need some counseling after all. lol

My trip, part 1

My trip was the most powerful thing I've ever done. It was enpowering, exciting, joyful, everything. My flight going out to DC was wonderful. I was by myself and thoroughly enjoyed it.

During my layover in Denver, I got a meal at Quiznos and just chilled out till it was time to go. Got to DC and Tami aka Exalted Flame aka Zazzysmom picked me up with her 3 kids. We drove to her place and she showed me different sites along the way. The Pentagon was on one side of the freeway, and on the other was the Potomac River and DC. I saw the Capitol Building, Washington Monument, and barely could see the Jefferson and Lincoln sites. It was amazing. I'm staring at the Pentagon and I KNOW I'm looking at a building that was hit by terrorists on September 11th. It's hard to take in. You drive right by Arlington Cemetary and see all those rows of white headstones too. I was in complete awe. We get to her home and grab her dh John and head out to a pizza place. It was fun and her little boy monopolized me the entire time. Had a great dinner and ate a TON of the little cinnamon rolls they serve. We go back to her home and I get to see how cute it is. Every room has a different paint color or flooring. So cozy and fun. She and I sat and talked for hours while she fed Emma. By the way, Emma is such a sweet tiny little thing. She was exactly 3 weeks old when I was there. Slept great on Tami's couch and then in the morning, she dropped me off at the hotel where the conference was.

I get in the lobby and start to feel a little panicky. Here I am across the country from everything familiar and I have never met one of the women from this group. I talk on the computer with them daily, but never met any of them and I was panicked. But I turned around to go put my luggage down till I could check in and see two girls right off the bat. They recognized me and I them and we met up with two or three more girls and ended up having breakfast together. No one could check in and it was only like 10am. They had to convert part of the lobby of this hotel into a holding area for luggage. There were so many bags!! All of us were just hanging out till we could get into our rooms. We ended up meeting about 5 more girls downstairs and sat in the bar and chatted for a while. I immediately recognized them and one person had a cheat sheet with everyone's screen name, real name, time they were arriving, and from where. So if we saw someone, we could cheat and figure out who they were.

We had so much time, that myself and two others decided to go sightseeing. We split a cab that took us to the Lincoln Memorial. It was so peaceful and beautiful there. I'm upset that two of my pictures didn't come out. I took a picture of the site were Martin Luther King stood to give his speech. There was something inscribed in the marble where he stood. Then I took a picture of what he was looking out at when he gave that speech. It's very similiar to that picture I have up of the Washington Memorial and the empty reflecting pool. I didn't know the Lincoln Memorial was outdoors. There are a million steps to go up and the columns surround the outside of it. On the other side of the columns are 3 sides with Lincoln sitting and facing up towards the WA monument. It's open air in there but so reverent. There is a plaque asking everyone to keep thier voices down, but you could feel the respect in the air if that makes sense. You knew you were in the presence of someone and something great. My friends and I didn't know where to go to next. We saw a map and realized we were just less than a 50 yards away from the Vietnam Memorial. So we walked over there. I got the right paper out and a pencil and found out where my mom's former fiance was on the wall. I was able to make a rubbing for her. It's so intense to stand there with all the history right there in front of you. All those thousands of names. You can clearly see yourself in the walls there. Down at the bottom, there is a type of lip that visitors leave things in rememberance. I got a picture of a letter that a vet had left for his buddy who had died in the war. There were flowers further down. I heard they had a museum filled with all the things visitors have left behind. I wish I could have seen more, but it was icy cold and my friends weren't able to walk very far. One was just going through chemo and the other had problems with her legs. So we headed back at that point to the hotel.

Finally got to check in early. Put my bags upstairs and went down to the registration desk. Got my bag, namebadge, and my lei. Each person put on a different colored lei. Whites for people diagnosed less than a year, yellow for the husbands or caretakers, orange for those with advanced metatasic disease, purple and green for 10 year survivors or those out further than 1 year from diagnosis. Just depends on your status. I go in the exhibitors hall and enter the world of everything PINK. Wow. Every drug company, group, etc., had a booth and stuff to pass out. I have enough pens for the rest of my life! I got a water bottle, pens, cookbook, guides, pamplets, little doodads, and candies to go in my bag. My bag itself is nice sized with some pamplets already in it, umbrella, gorgeous sparkly keychain, big bottle of Avon body lotion, and uh, a little sample bag from Pure Romance. Anyone heard of them? So I drag all my stuff upstairs and dump it on my bed. Thank goodness they give you a bag, because it was jammed full of stuff and should have been on wheels so I could drag it. It was that heavy.

I hate diuretics

I haven't had to get up this often to pee in the night since I was pregnant. Holy crud!!! I can't go a night without having to get up and relieve myself in the middle of the night. I keep my glasses off and don't look at the clock so I can still pretend I have tons of time to go back to sleep. But it really sucks when you get up and it's starting to get light outside. If I can see that without my glasses, I know I don't have much time and it's not worth going back to sleep. Then I'm even grumpier than usual.

Oh by the way, 3 Nights, 2 days left before I leave for the conference. The butterflies have set up residence and I either want to puke or eat my brains out. Nothing in between.

4 nights, 3 days left

Not much longer till I leave for my trip. The butterflies have started up in my belly. I have my suitcase and I'm planning on what I'm bringing. Tried to buy everything I'd need so I wouldn't have to wait till the last minute. Do some laundry, make sure the cell phone has the charger, the camera has extra batteries, and Jason shows me again how to use the old mp3 player. Am I really doing this? Is this trip for real or am I going to wake up soon and figure out it was just a dream? Need to make sure the fridge is stocked, the girls and dh have extra goodies, dh knows how to do the little girls's hair, details for the apartments are taken care of, etc. Make sure that I have all my meds, pain patches for my back(thank you Dr Susan!!), good shoes, good things to read....

The list can go on and on as I sit here and obsess about it. I can't help it!!! I've gone over the brochure so many times, that I'm almost embarrassed to admit that it's getting ragged around the edges. I'm meeting up with some ladies from my bc support bulletin board and hopefully hang out with them. Meet a friend off the internet and snuggle a brand new baby, see some good sights, and ....maybe learn a little something to make this journey easier to bear.


Oh, by the way, Miss Heffalump. I can't go by a store without counting how many different types of Oreos there are. Good grief, even the little stores carry like 6-7 kinds let alone big places with 10-11 kinds. Yowzers!!!

Preparing for my trip

Since all I can think about is my trip, I'm going to put down some things I'm preparing for. I think there are few people who give a rip about it, so this is mainly for me.

First of all, I called Dr. Brouns, my medical oncologist and asked if I should be worried about lymphedema because of the long flight. So today I'm off to Vancouver to get fitted for a compression sleeve and glove. I'll wear the glove on the flights and keep the sleeve in case I feel any swelling in my arm. I'm so freaked out about getting lymphedema that I'll do whatever it takes to prevent it. I saw a lady with it at the chemo center and her right arm was grotesquely disgured because of it. I was literally sickened looking at it. So I keep close watch on myself.

I've had my classes picked out from just after turning in the info for my grant.
For Session #1:
B. Creative Approaches to Restoring WellnessSpeaker:This workshop will help you engage your creativity to release fears, explore inner strengths, facilitate self-expression and improve self-confidence. Learn how to reduce stress and enhance your well-being through relaxation exercises, visualization and artistic expression using a variety of media, such as collage-building, sculpture and creative writing.

Session 2
E. Get Fit! Developing Your Personal Approach to Fitness
Current research suggests a healthy lifestyle including proper nutrition and exercise can enhance well-being. But how do you get started? Learn how to cope with life’s stresses through exercise and develop a personal fitness plan just for you.

Session 3
O. Moving On: Discovering Your “New Normal”Treatment is over—now what?
Understand the complex feelings that often accompany the end of treatment and the beginning of the rest of your life. Learn how to tackle feelings of anxiety and recapture the joy of living. Find new ways to communicate your needs to colleagues, loved ones and friends and family, and find resources to help you live well and adjust to life after breast cancer.

Session 4
Y. Complementary Approaches to Wellness During and After Treatment
Evidence-based research has found several herbal, energy and touch healing techniques to be safe and effective ways of improving quality of life. Understand methods to complement your medical treatment using acupuncture, herbs and other methods. Hear about the risks and benefits of complementary approaches, and learn about the importance of telling your oncologist about any complementary methods you may consider using.

I'm checking with other ladies on the YSC bulletin board to see which people are taking which classes. Then I'm going to try and look for them so I have someone to sit with when I get there. More to come later.

Doctor visit and panic/anxiety attacks

I saw Dr. Gray, my reconstructive surgeon last week, I believe it was Jan 30th. She said everything looked fine, left boob was healing well, as was the tissue on my mastectomy scar. She noticed I was already drooping a bit on the left side, but after radiation was over, I couldn't wear a bra because of radiation burns. I wonder if that has anything to do with it. That and the fact that I'm overweight and look like a cow.

On to other things. I know it's not my fault, but whenever a resident gives me notice to move out, I feel like I did something wrong and it's because of me that they are moving. I take things very personally. So in December, I felt awesome that I filled the complex completely for the first time since I've been here. But then someone had to break their lease since they didn't get married, then someone had to move because of a job, someone lost a job, got a house, needed a bigger place, etc. Now I have at least 5 openings!! Then the owner wants to raise the rents for the second time in less than a year. People are going to leave over that! My friend that moved in here is lying to me about her rent and the fact that she wanted to get her electricity out of her name and into someone else's name that doesn't live there so it won't reflect on their horrid credit. Long story there. I don't think I've done my job the best that I could, regardless of my reasons. The owner and the office people could care less if I had cancer. So I feel all this panic and anxiety coming up. I feel scared, feel like I will be fired because all these people are leaving, etc. I hate talking to people and showing apartments. It got so much worse over the past summer when I was sick. I avoid it like the plague and sometimes have people come over when dh is home so I won't have to do it. I know he understands, but I don't understand myself!!!