Calgon, take me away!!

I've reached the wall tonight. The point where I want to give up and go home. I'm an emotional person and I'm not terribly spiritual and I use this blog to have my own little personal tantrum. When I'm done with my tantrum, I'm better and able to handle things in a much better mood. So when I talk, I get my innermost private thoughts out and while it may sound terrible sometimes, most of the time I have control and these thoughts and feelings are in a locked way corner of my brain and I don't like to let them out.

Having said that, I want to quit. I don't want to be a grownup anymore. I want to go back to being a child again where if I was sick or scared, I could most likely get a hug and a kiss from my mom and could go to bed and get better. It really sucks to be an adult. I've made lots of bad choices and feel incredible guilt for things beyond my control.

I wish I could go back and make better choices about my education. I wish I had stuck to my schooling and gotten a degree in something, anything! I wish I had been better instead of not finishing because I sucked at school and didn't know what I wanted to be. Maybe then, we would not be so completely tight for money.

I wish I had never ever ever gotten a credit card. No one made me spend money, I did that myself and now I am really paying for it.

I wish that I had a better control over my bad temper. My family is suffering and I'm not helping make things better with my lousy nasty temper. I know what it feels like to grow up feeling like crap and I don't want my children to feel the same way. I'm afraid I'm not succeeding there.

I wish to heaven that I had never discovered that stupid lump in my breast. I'm glad I did for my health, but I royally screwed up our financial situation. It's so dang expensive, even with insurance. My operation to cut off my breast was easily over $35,000 and that's not including the surgeons's fees. I've lost count of how many copays and prescriptions I've paid. I know one shot of Neulasta that I would get after every chemo appointment is $6000. I had 8 chemo treatments and then I had other shots to raise my wbc counts. Yes, insurance paid the lion's share of the bills, but still that's a huge amount to cover. It feels like we will never recover. I'm humiliated to have to ask for help. Help from our church and even worse, to ask our parents for help.

My inlaws haven't asked how we are in ages. If it doesn't involve them directly, they don't care. They have no clue how badly we are struggling financially and they won't unless they ask how we are and they don't ask that. If they don't ask, that's one less thing for them to have to deal with. And heaven knows they will do anything on earth to avoid conflict. I don't want my girls over there for awhile. So much is happening at their home that I don't want my girls near it. But that's a whole other story.

We took our poor Saturn into the mechanic for the every 3ooo mile oil change. Went fine, got in the car, heard a noise, drove less than a block and it's started making a sputtering noise. I limp back into the parking lot to find out that a spark plug blew. 3 mechanics are looking at it and scratching their heads in amazement at how it broke off so oddly. 4 new sparkplugs and wires later and my car is back. But not until I have my father pick me up in Sellwood and bring me home. He came from Vancouver to do this and it's easily a 30 minute drive one way. More drama, lots more money we don't have. This car better stay in good shape.

So there's my whine. I quit, I want to run away, I want to take my percoset and take a nice long drug induced nap.