Pre op at hospital, etc

I had my pre op at the hospital yesterday. I was hoping like crazy I would get to be in the tower at SWMC, but nope! Still, I get a private room in the remodeled 2nd floor surgery wing. That was where I was before and it was a nice little room. I'm just happy it's a private room. I hate sharing rooms and to have a curtain closing me off bugs me. The nurse went through everything with me and gave me instructions on what to do beforehand and how to prepare. After that was over, I took the girls with me to where I would go on Monday. We entered in the same area, up the elevators and into the waiting room where I would check in. I let them see everything so they wouldn't have questions and it wouldn't be scary to them. They seemed fine with it all.

Tomorrow we leave with my inlaws to La Grande. My fil's half brother and his wife are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary and are having a dinner. My mil asked us to come, paid for the minivan to take us, will spend the money to put us in a hotel, and then we drive back Sunday and will be home Sunday afternoon. My mil is very very very tight with money. Which is why I'm more than a little leery about why we were asked to go in the first place. For her to spend money on us like that has NEVER happened since we've been married. After talking to dh, we figured out that they want to show off the girls. My dh's sister is messed up and so are her kids. So I guess my inlaws want to show that some grandkids turned out okay. I don't know.

But I'm glad to be going. It's going to help make the time more interesting and help me not worry so much about the surgery on Monday. It's all I think about. I'm trying to get things arranged in my head on where the girls will be, who will watch them, will dh get time off, do we have food, will meals be brought in, who's taking me home from the hospital, will it hurt, etc. Just a million things going through my mind constantly and I'm looking forward to this little trip to help make the time go faster. I'm happy it's going to happen and I'm sure it's the right thing. Although we decided before breast cancer that we were done having children, I'm really really moody and depressed now. Deciding we are done is so much more different than not being able to have them. So I'm mourning that loss of what my body used to be able to do and will never do again. I love my girls and my family how we are. But it's always the matter of what if. Now it never will BE.

I guess that's why I'm turning into the world's biggest bitch. I'm mean, I'm loud, I'm angry, not nice, and totally a moody wench. I think dh is afraid of me. I would be. I don't know how to make it better so I alienate everyone around me. Not the best move. It just hurts.