Why do I care what my mother in law thinks?

I'm in a big emotional mood today. My body is betraying me and bringing me down. It must be that time of the month or something.

I'm really struggling with my mother in law. I want her to like me and I know she doesn't. She puts on a great face and knows the right things to say and do when out in public. But she hurts me so much. If I didn't care so much, she wouldn't hurt me so much. I'm over the crap she pulled when Jason and I were dating and when we first got married. She said some pretty mean things. I'm over the attitude or lack of emotion she showed when we announced we were pregnant for the first time. (she didn't acknowledge it and changed the subject)

When I first found out I had breast cancer, she was great. Was very willing to take the girls for my doctor appointments that I had to go to. She's not an emotional person but she's great at taking charge. She's an excellent grandma so I never worry about my girls when they are there. But since summer, I've noticed a change. She was upset when I went to visit my friend in Gig Harbour the day after a chemo treatment. I was on the taxol/gemzar treatment, so the effects didn't hit me till about 3 days after the chemo. I was excited to go since this was the first type trip I had taken since this whole adventure had started. She thought I was insane and basically thought it was irresponsible for me to leave. Someone else would have to watch the girls while I was gone. I hate that I had to explain to here why I needed to leave. I didn't do anything strenuous while I was gone and I was in very good hands.

After that, I became more leery of her. Just tried to be watchful of her and having her not watch the girls too much. But I let it go and I started to fall in the trap of believing that things were okay between us. I guess I wanted to believe that she was okay with me again. Nope, that got smacked in my face more than once. She never asks how we are doing, only about what's going on in her life and how things affect her.

The worst was this trip I took to Washington DC for the breast cancer conference. Jason and I both knew that she would not approve and we kept it from her for quite a while. I found out that she knew I was going on some type of trip and it was associated with church and it would be in California. But she wasn't going to ask me about it. We finally told his parents and the reaction was very similiar to what has happened in the past. Harlo didn't say anything to us until my mil did and then he parroted what she said. Some remark that barely acknowledged that I was going. Jason wanted me to go on this trip and he pushed for me to go. He found the forms, filled them out, and made me turn it in. He was almost more excited than I was for me to go. But it seems that all his mom saw was me abandoning my family to go play and party and we were spending money we didn't have. I got a scholarship to pay for 95% of this trip and Jason took vacation days so that he could be with the girls. We had it all arranged and I made Jason promise that he wouldn't let his mom babysit the girls.

I stayed that extra night to have a nice hotel room to myself, to rest from the crazy day at the airport, and to get a voucher so we could go on another trip in the future. It was worth it I thought. But it ended up that she had to watch the girls until I could fly into Portland on Monday. I really think she hated that. When I came to pick up Lindsey, she was acting really stiff. Just told me the basic info about the girls from that morning and didn't ask or question me about my trip. I thought it was odd but left it alone. I find out later from dh's nephew that he questioned her about how my trip was. She said she didn't ask and she didn't care to know. She also said if I came back saying I missed my girls that I was lying and it wasn't true.

I was so angry that I called dh up at work and told him I wouldn't be contacting her anymore and that I didn't want the girls there at her home if that's how she was going to treat me. I don't trust her anymore. I don't know what to believe! Is she being truthful with me or acting one way and talking about me behind my back? Jason called her and asked if everything was okay because I felt something wasn't right when I picked up Lindsey. She lied and said everything was fine. We haven't been back since.

Why the hell do I care what this woman thinks? Why does it bother me so much to know that she's saying such rotten things behind my back? It's almost like she thinks I'm lying about the treatments and stuff I'm going through and resents me. She'll never say it to my face, but that's what I gather from her actions and attitude. I hate it!!!! What do I have to do to make things better? I don't want my girls to lose their grandma, but I refuse to allow them to be in a place where she might be pumping the girls for information or telling them things. I don't know if she is, but I don't want to give her a chance.