Definitely having surgery now, June 9th, here I come

Well, it's been decided. I went to see Dr. Forsythe yesterday and I'm definitely having surgery. Just not the kind I thought I would. But anyways, L and I went to the office yesterday and Mom met us there. She watched L while I talked to the doctor. I wasn't sure if she would want an exam and I really didn't want L to see anything.

Dr. Forsythe is awesome. I'm so glad I go see her. Anyways, she comes in and I tell her why I want to have an ooph. She listens and then tells me, why not do the whole thing? She gives her reasons, including some embarrassingly obvious ones that I had forgotten, including the stupid period from hell. So we talk it over and decide that I will have a hysterectomy. It has a really long name, Laparoscopic Supercervial Hysterectomy(LSH). It just means that they will go in through about 3 tiny incisions and take out everything but the stump of my cervix. She said to keep that to help with sexual activity and to keep up the wall within or whatever it's called. I've already forgotten.

Anyways, I was prepared for an ooph, but was shaken when she said the hysterectomy. But I kept it together until I left. I've gotten really good at that. Do well at appointments and then shake in the car. The doctor said that she would put me as the first case of the day. It will be on June 9th, Monday morning. I go to SWMC and have to be there at 5:30am. I will be home Tuesday afternoon/evening, she said she could even arrange it so that I wouldn't be released until Jason comes to pick me up after work. Whatever worked for me. She's trying to be very accomodating. I think she's wonderful. I'm in planning mode right now. Trying to figure out my babies and if I can handle things on my own if Jason has to go to work, etc.

I feel such peace now. This whole week has been full of emotion and drama and once I had gotten it decided what surgery to have, I felt so much better. (After a good shake and cry in the car that is.)I was almost elated, not excited to have surgery, but happy to have it decided.

I am upset about something. I was planning to have a GWO with friends about 2 weeks later after surgery. I've decided not to go because I don't think it would be fair to my family. Go have surgery, be in the hospital, rearrange their lives to accommodate me, and then recover at home. Two weeks later, leave for a fun weekend, and leave them all at home. Not right and I would feel terrible about it. So I stay home and wish like crazy I could be there. Then there's the other part of this. I know we stopped with two kids for a reason and didn't have any more. I've been sad but okay with it. But now, knowing I will never ever be able to physically carry a child is hard to deal with right now. It's one thing to decide not to do something, but something else to know the choice is being taken away from you. It's like mourning all over again.