Last night was terrible

We've been struggling lately because I still don't have a job and we've run out of places to get the money from. We are trying our best but still, it's really hard. We've been meeting with the bishop and he's been awesome giving us counsel and being supportive and encouraging. We felt like we needed to ask our parents for help this month. We've bothered my parents enough so we thought about approaching dh's parents. We knew how it would go, what they would say, how they would act, etc. They are very set in their ways and see only their way of doing things. Dh went and talked to them last night and I called my parents. I flat out said why I called and almost before I had the words out of my mouth, my mom said she would help us. It was humiliating to say the least, but every little bit helps and I'm very grateful for their willingness to help out.

Dh took a long time to come home last night. He let his parents know exactly what was going on. That we have been struggling for awhile and things have come to a point where we needed to ask family for help. He mentioned that we've had help in the past from our church and my parents. He didn't want to keep secrets from them and wanted to ask if they could help us out. They said they would watch the girls anytime we needed it but they would not give us any money. His mom (the boss) said that from their point of view, the money they see us have is not being spent very well and they cannot in good conscience give us anything until we can improve our spending habits.

She mentioned Saturday that we came to pick up the girls with Sonic slushies. She knows that it's in Vancouver and a drive to get it. Without knowing what led us to Sonic, she assumed we had driven there just to get that and it was a waste of gas and money. What she doesn't know is that we had a DATE for the first time in ages. We went to the Farmer's Market and bought my grandma flowers and her visiting brother some carmel corn. We did buy a small amount of cherries for ourselves. We had a small bite to eat and then we went to visit my sil to get a payment for a Scentsy order. Since we were in the general area, we went to Sonic during the cheapie hour and bought a slushie. So, we are rotten for being on a date.

I know she also brought up how irresponsible it was for us to order a professional quilt to be made. We made that purchase a couple of months ago when we were in a better place. We didn't know things would get that bad. We chose the quilt for our 10 year anniversary coming up in September. We thought it would be a better choice so we could have something that would last a lot longer than a dinner that would only have memories. Maybe not the best choice, but one that is done and over with.

I know they said things about me and they blame me for a lot of things. Some things are justified. I don't keep the house the cleanest it could be. I know that. But hearing them say that really really hurts. They wonder why dh does the bath time instead of me. They want to know about all the pressure that is on dh and worry about him and his health since he is known to internalize stress and get sick. I know feel incredible guilt for everything that I have "put Jason through" this year. Two surgeries, change in meds, losing my job, etc. Because obviously it's all my fault. They said a lot of other things. Dh came home and told me some things. I had to push the rest out of him. But it left me sobbing and wanting to call my mom for comfort.

I'm hurting so badly. All I've ever EVER wanted was to be liked by his parents. I wanted their approval and to know they think these things of me hurts me so much. They made a point of saying certain things and it just makes me feel like crap. I'm trying! I really am. Not to the level they think I should be at, but I'm trying to do what I'm able to do right now. Anyways, I have no desire to be near them ever again. I do know that if I'm ever to be nice from them, I need a good long separation for awhile. The girls and I won't be going over there anytime soon. If they want to contact us, they know the number.