Visits with doctors and other thoughts

I have a doctor visit next Thursday with a gynocologist to see what's going on down south and if it's something I need to be concerned with. Once my oncologist called my regular doctor, the regular doctor scheduled me for an exam yesterday. I went in and she gave me hugs and had an exam.

First off, Jason took time off to be with me for this exam. Second, my flow was gone and just some leftover ickyness. Third, we had L with us instead of having someone watch her. L started to freak out when the doctor got in "position" to examine me. She covered her eyes and wanted out. But dh held her and wouldn't leave because he wanted to hear what the doctor was saying. It turns out that when I talked to L later, she thought that the doctor was going to cut into my privates area as she called it. I feel so bad that I may have scared her so badly. We talked and I tried to explain to a 4 year old that the doctor wanted to check and make sure I didn't have any owies down there. I didn't get specific, because at 4 years old, she has heard and seen too much already thanks to breast cancer.

I get my finger pricked by the nurse to check my crit levels and find out I'm borderline anemic. Great. So the doctor does the exam and she gets going and she's talking as she's doing the grand old speculum and other stuff. She said she couldn't see what the doctor in the ER meant by my uterus being friable but she took samples in a Pap smear and other goodies. And just to be on the safe side, they did a uterine biopsy. They took a long skinny probe and grabbed a bit of tissue from my uterus to test for any abnormalities. The other tests just felt like they were scratching the sides, but this felt like I had a balloon inside of me and she was trying to poke it was a needle. I had some cramping afterwards, but nothing like earlier in the week. She said it was hard to tell because I was just ending this period and there was a lot of blood in there. She wants to see me after Christmas when it's all done with.

I have no idea when I'll get test results back, but I'm guessing Monday or Tuesday. I know in the back of my mind that there's a small chance of some type of cancer, either uterine or cervical. But I'm doing my best not to focus on it. I'm trying to be so careful now. If I sneeze and think I have bronchitis, they want to do a chest xray. If I trip scratch my knee, better check and see why this happened. Everything is a big deal now and nothing is normal anymore. All because of breast cancer.

I want to write this out before I forget. I usually like to cook. I don't know that I do it well, but adore searching out recipes and making things and going grocery shopping. But for two weeks I can't even stand the thought of cooking. I'm not hungry, I could care less if my kids ate cold cereal(like they want) every day for a week for dinner, etc. Then it hit me. I've been dealing with this period from hell for about two weeks if you count the pmsing stuff before the period. I just never connected it together before. I have no energy, I feel like a giant blob, I'm getting heavier, and I just don't care about anything. (Well, except my new obsession with Scentsy and that's a whole other post for another day.)

You don't want to ever think that it's going to come back. I'm trying so hard not to let my imagination go wild because it can so easily. I don't want to think about the worst, I don't want to think of all the bad stuff, I want whatever it is to be easily fixed. No more cancer. I will pass this time around. If only it were that easy. Just give me the hysterectomy and I'm done with all female parts. lol