It's always something

I really don't mind doctor visits. It's just one more thing to do now like grocery shopping.

I had a visit with a gynocologist yesterday. Her name is Dr. Forsythe and she's the first gynocologist I've dealt with. I have a family doctor named Dr. Hughes who is incredible and I've seen for a million years. I was so nervous to see her. I didn't know what to expect or anything. She was so nice! She put me at ease and wanted me to know that things were fine and if I chose to do anything, she would be my servant.

She and I talked about my history and she got the results from my visit with Dr. Hughes. I had only heard that I was fine through Dr. Hughes nurse. Dr. Forsythe read the results and frowned and said that it seems that she didn't get a good enough sample of tissue. But she wanted me to have an ultrasound first and if after that I needed another biopsy, we would go forward.

She gave me the lowdown on having an oophorectomy and hysterectomy and stuff like that. Most all of my questions were answered and that helped a lot. I left there knowing that she was completely on my side no matter what I decided to do.

I got a call from the radiologist office last night. They wanted me to come in this morning and have the ultrasound. Mom and S watch the girls and I go in. They wanted me to drink 32 oz of water before coming in. Last time I had to do that, I was going in for a much happier purpose. But anyways, I go in. It seemed to me that she focused more on the left side. Then I had a vaginal ultrasound and that was fairly uncomfortable. Nothing hurt, but it was not something I want to do again. It had a camera on the end of the probe and the tech had to take pictures of all sorts of things inside. So if she wanted a picture of the side, she had to point it that way and it's really doesn't feel good to have her move that probe/wand around like that.

I always leave appointments like that feeling really small and depressed. Just the way the tech was and the fact that she couldn't tell me anything really worried me. I told her that I would have a followup on January 8th, but that I didn't want to wait that long. She suggested calling the doctor. Which did NOT help my nerves at all. I leave the appointment and pull over halfway home and leave a message for my doctor to call me. My voice was really shaky and I was almost crying on the phone asking her to call me so I wouldn't worry over Christmas.

I get to Mom's and I start to lose it. I'm worried about how the tech was, my imagination going into overdrive, and I really don't want to do this again. I didn't want to involve Mom because I didn't want to worry her but I couldn't help it. I just started bawling at the table. I can handle doing it all again, I just don't know if my family can. I couldn't get ahold of dh to talk to him and I wanted to because things have really been going well for us lately. More cheerful and happy and loving. I needed him and he couldn't talk with me while he was at work.

Anyways, the doctor calls me back. I have cysts in my ovaries which can happen every month. When you have a period you usually expel them and they go away. But because the tamoxifen has suppressed the hormones, they haven't gone away. My uterus is (slightly, I think) enlarged and my uterine lining is unusually thick. That can be explained possibly by the fact that I haven't had my period in a really long time and that's why I had a heavy period. The lining usually sheds during your period and since I have only had one in a long time, it's built up.

But you know, I don't know if I believe that it's all roses. I feel leery of the attitude I'm getting from the doctors but I want to believe them so badly. It's the attitude that I had when I was finding out I had breast cancer. It's probably nothing, you're too young, don't worry about it, etc., etc. They are reassuring me and it reeks of when this was going on before. So they tell me not to worry and of course because of my suspicions, I worry even more and am even more messed up.

I'm sure it's nothing, but I don't really believe anything. What if it's not? I'm really emotional and weepy and messed up today. It doesn't help that I have a million things to do and absolutely no desire to do a damn thing. I want a good movie, blanket on my lap, me sitting in my recliner, and a pepsi in one hand. I just don't care about anything today.