My job is gone

This isn't related too much to breast cancer at all, but in an odd way it does.

I'm an apartment manager. I have a file cabinet, fax machine, office phone, maintenance shed and a credit card to Home Depot to buy the things we need for the apartment. I've known for a year that the owner has been trying to sell this complex. But each time the sale wouldn't go through or it wouldn't be a serious offer. But this last time I could tell was serious. There were at least 3 different inspections and pictures taken, etc. We've been waiting for the final word on if the sale would go through.

Yesterday afternoon around 5:15ish, there's a knock at the door. A little middle aged Russian guy comes to my door and says the deal went through 20 minutes ago and he wants the keys since he's the new owner. He says I'm welcome to still live here, but that my responsibilities are over. He initially wanted me to collect the rent, but that idea was turned down later that night. I wasn't going to give him anything until I had paperwork and heard from my office what was going on. A little while later, my office contact, Donna, calls me. We had a chat and she wanted me to get some stuff together for him and we talked about getting things to this new manager.

After he had left my apartment, he went around to every resident and posted a notice saying that we were under new management and to call him for anything. The door shut after he walked out and I burst into tears. I've never been fired or really laid off of a job before. My first initial thought was extreme panic and fear. But the girls were watching me, C in particular and she started to get upset. I fought for control, but I lost it and started crying about 10 more times that night.

I'm angry and upset about how it was handled. I'm angry that the new owner didn't even wait until the ink is dry on the paper before coming and trying to take everything away from me. But a big part of me is so relieved. It's like a huge heavy weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I've hated this job from day one. I hated that I even had to work and not be able to be a SAHM. But you do what you need to for your family and that's the way it worked.

How it relates to breast cancer for me is this. When I found out I had cancer, I refused outright to even think it would kill me. I had so many down and horrible days, but never once would I even allow it to enter my mind. Maybe that's wrong, but in my mind, refusing to think about it made me believe that it was liveable and the situation could be controlled and fixed.

That's how I'm thinking now. I refuse to think about having to move, I refuse to believe that I won't be able to find a job, etc. I'm terrified, I still want to break into tears at the slightest thing, and I don't know how we will pay our bills. But I know it's going to be fine. This happened at the right time of year so we can hurry and file our taxes and hopefully get a good refund. Jason got a reward at work and won a little bit of money. I'm doing a research study for a group and getting a little chunk of change and Jason does one next week too. I'm getting a nice commission check in less than two weeks and we'll see how the rest of things go.

I just struggle a lot. I have a lot of bad thoughts about why we are here in this financial situation, but I also know we will be okay. It's almost exciting to see what could be out there. But I hate change too. I'm a total basketcase is what I am. Maybe I'll be able to sleep tonight, cause it sure didn't happen last night.