Another rough time

All I seem to do is whine on here. I usually do pretty well but when I'm struggling, I bring it here, get it out, and I'm okay with things after this in my life. It's like purging the bad stuff out. So although it may seem that all I do is complain or say things are bad, they normally aren't. It's the one time in a thousand that something is bad.

I'm so low in spirit. I belong to a group where there are a ton of women. Normally we get along great. There was a situation recently that has helped me realize that I may open my mouth too much and what I mean to say gets construed differently than I mean it to be. So to make things right, I have to not make my feelings known and cover it up and do what ever it takes to smooth things over. In the meantime, I'm feeling incredibly hurt and my feelings aren't taken into account or anything. It really bothers me but there aren't a lot of places for me to go to get friends so I take what I can get. I'm going to keep my mouth shut about my personal life from now on. I'm not going to ask for support or understanding because I don't want to get hurt or get someone upset at me because I'm whining or they are sick of me.

I really have some problems. I struggle making friends and keeping them. Two years ago today I had a mastectomy and ever since then I've changed. Some things for the good, a lot for the bad. I've become even more introverted and shy and it's so hard to talk on the phone or make good friends. I'm great at covering up but it's so true. I'm so lonely! I have experienced something so big that it's hard to not have that affect the friendships I have. I've lost my two good friends over it and no one has been able to take their place. It's easy to say that life gets in the way, because it does. But these two ladies were so important to me. It just goes to show who can handle things and who really can be friends when push comes to shove.

I hate talking on the phone and don't know what to say. Being online is so much better. I can be how I want to be but can't express it on the phone. I feel like an idiot on the phone and procrastinate making calls as much as possible. I'm so tired of being hurt by people that I don't try anymore. I see some wonderful ladies in my ward but I'm too scared and shy to talk to them! What the heck would I have in common with them? I'm not successful, I didn't go to college and graduate, I'm not well spoken, I'm a terrible wife and mother and would never know how to make bread or do anything domestically that so many seem to be able to do. I have a stinking 800 foot apartment that I can't keep clean. I know I have lots to do, but I just feel like I cant' do anything. I don't know where to start. Or I do, but it's almost like a physical block stopping me from doing it. Then I hate how it looks and so on and it's just some stupid cycle.

I don't have good female friends in person and the ones I have online make me worry that I'm bothering them too much. I have lost 2 ladies on my breast cancer board within the last month and it's killing me. My good buddy from chemo is going through more treatments. My anniversaries are this week of being diagnosed with cancer and having my first surgery involved with it. I still don't have a job after being laid off in January, unexpected surgery last month, bills from that, bills from the dentist, rent being raised, no money for it, stupid lice problems AGAIN, our car just got fixed and it's making more horrible noises, etc. I just don't see a way out and I feel responsible for all the problems even though it's not all my fault. I can't explain it, but I feel it's all my doing that has brought this on our family.

Maybe I should up those depression pills. Or see someone or something. I just want one good friend that isn't going to desert me again. I'm so terribly lonely.