Not my friend, please not my friend!!!

I can't do this again. I can't, I can't, I can't. I can't watch one more person I know and adore suffer through cancer treatment again. She will fail and I will fall a little deeper into this pit of which I can't get out of. She's already had it once, it's spread, she's my friend, my chemo buddy. I can't do this. My other friend died of this disease last year, I can't watch another one die. Not her. Please, not her. We sat together so many times in our recliners while that horrid Red Devil dripped into our veins. We sat in radiation with our scarred and red chests hidden behind flimsy hospital gowns trying to be brave. Laughing because the only other option is crying. Not her, please not her.

You don't understand this. How could you? You get support from other survivors but you are only as strong as they are. When one loses the battle or has a horrible setback, you feel it too. It's in your mind and all you can think of is, "Well, it hit her again, it will probably get me, it's just a matter of time." You lose your faith that this will go away and you can pretend it never existed in your life. But then this happens and you fall to pieces and you don't want to try as hard because you figure it's not going to work. I'm just sick about this. I can't cope with it now. How ironic that I'm going this week to a conference for breast cancer survivors. I don't feel like a survivor, I feel like I'm just barely hanging on by a thread and the thread is very frayed right now.