I'm trying to ward off a panic attack, so I thought I would write a blog entry. I realized that I don't write very much on here anymore. I kind of miss it. But it's good in a way. This blog is strictly for breast cancer ranting and raving and whining. If I don't have many posts, it's because I'm not having much to do with it. Yay!!

I'm finally getting over a monster sinus ugly cold from hell. This is so dumb, but I can handle the big stuff like getting menopause, needing to have a procedure done, etc. No big deal! But I get a cold and I feel like the world's biggest wuss. lol I probably had a very common no biggie headcold, but it felt like I wanted to die. I thought my sinuses would explode one night and I coughed so hard I think I pulled a muscle in my back. How frigging embarrassing!! Can you imagine going to the doctor and trying to explain why your back hurts? "Uh, I coughed". That's not going to go over well. It's mostly over thank goodness.

I don't get too looney unless I don't take my meds one day or so. Than I get major mood swings. I would so enjoy not having to take too many medicines. Currently I take three and I'd like to take less. When it's time for my next regular doctor visit, I'm going to see about cutting one particular one out.

Another thing I've noticed is this winter I've gained weight. I don't know how much but I can definitely tell. It depresses me and scares me at the same time. For a lot of reasons. I was supposed to go to a physical therapist for lymphedema but I said no. I've had enough of doctors. But I can see it in my hand, especially the finger that started all this worry. Gaining weight plus lymphedema is not a good things. I literally have to get off my fat ass and start doing something about it. I struggle with self esteem issues and believing I can make a change is hard because I don't believe in myself.

I feel guilty and selfish too. Most days I'm good. I can handle things fine. It's the one day out of the week that I write on here and get the bad stuff out so I can be happy and okay the other 6 days a week.

I had another set of migraines this month. I dropped Mom off at the airport and started to drive home and got a migraine or the beginnings of one. I got another one a couple of days later. After that got better, I started down the path to this rotten nasty head cold I'm barely getting over.

Okay, panic attack not going away. Time to haul out the Ativan.