My friend, Danica

My friend Danica Martinez died two days ago. I've wanted to write this message down for awhile, but writing it down makes me more real and it still feels like a dream. If it's a dream, I can still believe it's not true and think that she's still alive. My friend Danica and I met on the Young Survival Coalition bulletin board. We were not especially close, but we were connected by our common bond of breast cancer. She's a fiesty young single mom who got out of a bad situation to eventually come down with breast cancer. She fought it like crazy. I've never seen anyone fight so hard. I met her the first time in Washington DC when I went to the breast cancer conference. She looked like she was recovering and doing well. I would be on the bb with her and hear her comments and so on.

Then she found out she had contracted chemo-induced leukemia. She was constantly in and out of the hospital with chemo treatments, infections, and other problems. She never once gave up, she fought like a fierce lioness to be with her children. A group of us made up a list to see who could send care packages to her weekly. She adored getting cards, letters, anything to cheer her and her kids up. I was able to send something to her in May or June. She found out her good friend was going downhill and would not be getting better. Against her doctor's advice, she left New York and flew to her friend and was able to make the last few days of her friend's life a comfort by being there. She was holding her hand when she died. Danica also against medical advice flew to our breast cancer conference in Jacksonville this year. She moved painfully slow and had her scarf on and obviously looked ill. But dang it, she was determined to be there! lol She wasn't going to let breast cancer take her down or dictate her actions. When she left, she was being wheeled down the airport by another friend. My dh saw her and told me. I ran after her and gave her a hug and told her I was so happy to have seen her and spent time with her. Then we said goodbye...

Danica needed a bone marrow transplant to stay alive. In the past few weeks, we tried to step up as a group and get drives going. All of us who have been through hell were unable to help her out since we were ineligible for transplants. We would have done it in a heartbeat too. I know I would have. Danica has mixed blood in her, she's part Hispanic and that made it doubly hard because very few people were on the bone marrow registry with that type of results. So we took it on ourselves if we were able to, to get the news and attention out there.

Sadly, it didn't work. While waiting for a transplant, Danica was given powerful bouts of chemo to keep her alive. Her heart couldn't take it and she passed away 2 days ago. When I found out the news, I immediately fell apart. We weren't best friends, but she was a special sweet powerful woman to me and I would have done anything I could to help her. Yes, I loved her as a sister in the fight against breast cancer. We were mothers fighting to be with our children. Danica cried often because she didn't want to leave her children. I know cry because those sweet children don't have their mother with them anymore. I know I'm not Danica, but everytime a friend passes away, a part of me dies with them. How do I know I'm not next? Can someone promise me I will see my children's next Christmas let alone see them graduate from high school? I struggle with wanting to try to live well because I just feel like I'm dying inside.

I can't think of Danica without my eyes welling with tears and feeling lower than I've felt in a very long time. I don't want to let anyone forget about her, ever. She meant so much to me! My friend is dead. It's not real, but it is! I'm so angry, so incredibly angry that I just want to scream and hit and fight. But at the same time, I want to wave the white flag and give up. Here's the website we started for her, please look at her wonderful happy face. I wish I could have made her whole. I miss her so much. http://www.danicamartinez.com/