I want to feel good again
I'm not sure if I've mentioned this before or not. But every card that's been sent to me, every hospital armband, my pathology reports, everything that I can save from this battle with breast cancer is being saved. I'm putting everything in a box so I don't forget. Also, today was a cruddy day. I let a person from work really get to me and make me feel bad about myself and my job that I'm doing. Plus there's lots more drama within my family and within myself that I'm dealing with. So when I have a rough day, I want to be able to pull out some cards that people sent so that I can remember that even when some cuts me down or makes me doubt myself, I have this to remember. Even if I have to tack every single card to my bedroom wall I'm not going to lose these things. Some days it's the only thing that kept me going.
I've been really struggling with some things. Sometimes things are very clear very fast and other times I have to really study and ponder things out and then it comes to me. I've been very upset with God. I'm so angry and mad and I didn't even realize it. I got my diagnosis this March and immediately went into action to "solve" the problem. I just shut away the possibility of anything happening to me and just focused on taking care of business. At each turn I'd be faced with some new situation and struggle instead of getting the okay sign and I'd just get more and more frustrated and angry. Instead of the lump I find being nothing, it's something. Then it's not benign, it's cancer, then not a lumpectomy, they have to take my whole breast, etc. It never seemed like I got a break from the bad news this year. So internally I've been suppressing all this anger and then this fall was so bad. Lots of family pain and struggle, friends hurting, etc.
Now that I know I have this anger, I'm not sure what to do with it. I want it to be gone, but how do you get over it? I know it's wrong to be angry with God but I need to make it better and I'm so far gone that I'm not sure where to start. Sitting still in church when I can go is torture. I hate sitting still in Sunday School class, even Sister P's class where I really want to know more of the material or when Sister R is teaching in another class. It's like I'm almost afraid to submerge myself in the material and make myself vulnerable to whatever feelings come out of that.
I don't feel comfortable with someone who is so deeply in touch with the Spirit because I don't know how to feel it. I'm not someone who feels comfortable being so dang ...vulnerable!! I'm having trouble making my fingers type what I'm feeling in my head. lol The logical side of me knows the right answers to get rid of my anger. Pray, read your scriptures, go to church, do your calling, etc. But it's not that easy. It can't be. I want to really KNOW the answers instead of knowing what to say when it's the right time if that make sense at all.
2 comments:
I wish I knew some magic answer for you. I just have the same words I say over and over, and I worry that you won't think much of them: You are awesome Heidi.
You can find strength through vunerability, but it's not easy, and it's different for everyone, I only wish I knew how it'd work for you. I'll keep praying that things will open up for you.
You can't get over your feelings until you get some counseling. Prayer, reading your scriptures, etc. is great, but until you get professional help, you will not "get over it." It's as vital to your health as your chemotherapy was. You owe it to yourself, your children and your husband to get yourself well; not only physically, but emotionally and mentally.
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