Bits and pieces, more whining, etc.
Okay it's after midnight and I'm still up. I haven't had a soda since lunchtime so this stinking insomnia is to blame.
How do you know when you're asking for or expecting too much help? I am getting people from all sides offering to help but I feel like if I accept their help, I'm being selfish. I feel like I should be able to do things myself. But I can't and Jason is doing too much and our apartment is a pigsty. But then, I'd love for someone to scrub my bathroom but I'm also too embarrassed to have someone come see it and see that I'm not able to keep up my own apartment. I'm so mixed up! I'd feel like someone is judging me for not keeping a clean home.
I'm not a very good housekeeper even in the best of health. I now feel even worse that my home is not looking so good. I want to scrub my kitchen floor and finish all the laundry and clean my room and all these things, but I lack the drive and the energy to do it. I put all this pressure on myself to do things but I can't physically do them and then it makes me upset and cranky and then no one's happy because I'm being a grump. I don't understand myself at all.
My mom wanted to take some pictures of us to finish her roll of film in her camera on the Fourth of July. She got the film developed and came over today. I let her take pictures of me looking how I am with a headscarf on and even one picture of me without it and Chloe rubbing my bald head. When I saw them, I was honestly shocked. My first thought is that the person in the picture must be seriously ill. Then it hit me that it was ME. I'm so used to how I look that I didn't realize that my eyebrows are halfway gone, I didn't have make up on and was really pale and my zits were bad. I had to ask my mom to make sure she didn't bring the picture of me bald to the family get together because I was so humiliated on how I looked. It really was shocking to see those pictures and I don't mean that in a dramatic sort of way. I honestly didn't think I looked sick but I guess I do. Not that my self esteem needed any more hits to it, but today was not so great.
It gets even better. My next chemo day is July 13th. Chloe's birthday is July 14th. My baby is going to be 5 years old and I will be recovering from my chemo treatment and not be able to spend the day with her. How it usually goes is that I come home from chemo and sleep or rest the rest of the day. The next day, someone comes and takes the girls again so I have a day to sleep and get over the sick feelings that come with chemo. Which means I won't see my baby on most of her birthday at all. I cry every time I think of it. She's going to be with a great family so that makes me feel good in a way. But even though we are planning to celebrate her birthday the next week so that I will be feeling better, it's still her BIRTHDAY and I can't do anything with her on that day. Even if we don't tell her that that day is her birthday, I will know and it's killing me. I don't know what to do!!!!!! I don't know how to make things better or make me not feel like a loser for not being able to do anything on her actual day.
6 comments:
Heidi your treatment will mean more to your girls than you think.You will miss this birthday but will have many more to come.
I am so sorry you are feeling so down.You have a lot of friends who love you!I wish i lived near you so i could came around and clean your house for you!Let the sisters come in and help you.Sit there and chat to them as they are doing the bath room.You remember you need to take care of you!
AND YOU ROCK!:P
I seriously love it when someone lets me come help clean their house. Its something I can do and am pretty good at and I know it makes them feel better about their home. Don't feel at all guilty about accepting help when its offered, they will be blessed as much as you.
And as for your dd, celebrate early, it happens a lot for many kids no matter if the parent is ill or not. She will get two special days, one with mom and one with whomever gets to have them that day. She will feel extra special.
((hugs))
You taking care of your health is one of the most selfless things you can do. I am learning that right now, and you need to know that. You are doing everything you can to be here for your children forever and when they need you the most. ((hugs))
You are such a great example to me and to so many people. I hope you know how truly wonderful and beautiful you are.
If I were closer I would come clean for you. I hope someone will come over. The Lord works in mysterious ways.
((((HUGS))))
I can't even imagine going through what you are going through.
People won't judge you! You have cancer, for goodness sake. Let them serve you--they'll be blessed for it, and you will too.
It's too bad you'll miss her birthday, but I have to ditto what rachau said--you'll have many more to come because of chemo.
TOTALLY let them clean your house. Don't deny them that blessing. That would be really hard for me too though. I hate to admit that I need help when I actually do. DO it though. It will be best for everyone.
I am sorry you will be sick for your dd's birthday. She will understand some day. ((HUGS))
Heidi how are you doing? I came to see how you are!Take care of you ok! Rach
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