So what am I waiting for?

I'm not sure how this treatment is supposed to go. I keep waiting for some side effects, but the ones that have come aren't what I'm used to.

Instead, it seems this treatment is more emotionally draining than any other. I am so messed up I don't know my way out. It's pathetic to be able to go to a blog and write out your feelings than express them to a loved one. I can't seem to explain myself well with my mouth, so I have to do it this way. If you see yourself in this, great. If not, even better.

Please don't ignore me. Please love me. Please show me that I'm the most important person in your life. You may think by physically removing things from me that you are taking away my stress. I just worry more when I don't know what's going on with my job or my girls. I don't like my decision making abilities taken away from me. I like to feel that I'm still in charge of my life no matter what's going on. I don't know how to make things better but I'm afraid to really tell you how I feel because I'm not ever sure of the response I'm going to get from you. I don't know if you want to be more involved in my cancer care or if you are just going through the motions to make me happy or to make you feel like you are a part of what's going on. If you honestly don't want to go somewhere, tell me. If you really care and want to do something, tell me that too. I don't know what to share with you.
I feel extremely vulnerable with you and very shy. I know how I look and I don't know how I feel. I forget a lot of stuff now and I don't mean it. So you may tell me something, but I don't honestly remember you telling me. You have to repeat and make sure I know what you're saying. I need to know that you love me. I need that more than anything. Because why should I fight if I don't feel any love at all?

This is how I feel and I can't help it. Just don't hide from me anymore. Don't run to this person or that or talk it over with someone else. Don't hide from talking to me about stuff. It's like you're already getting rid of me. I need a blessing, but I don't feel I can ask you for it. I know you would do it, but would you get WHY I need it? All of it?