late Friday night

Thought I would update a little. The chemo is different this time around. They gave me the Gemzar faster and I don't know if that has anything to do with it or not. But I'm getting symptoms that I would normally get with my AC chemo. Slightly sick to my stomach constantly, and tired a lot but not able to sleep, and the weird slight heartburn and tongue sensations. But I also get constant pain in different areas of my body. I mean that I have pain in different areas of my body, but while it's never in the same place, pain is always somewhere in my body. Does that help?

Yesterday I had a headache type of pain. It would like "pulse" in a certain spot in my head every couple of minutes all day. Today, it was in my right leg. It started right at my hip socket area and would cross over the top of my knee and down the inside of my calf down to my ankle. This would pulse or hit me with pain every so often and even now it's doing it. Sometimes it really hurts and other times I barely notice it.

I have a strange skin sensation going on too. My skin is super sensitive to touch now. Jason was trying to help me out last night and rubbed my shoulders with some lotion. It felt like I was being pummeled and it hurt!!! He wasn't trying to hurt me, but my body is just bizarre now and even when my little girls hug me, it almost annoys me how much it bothers me. But I loved to be hugged!!! I love it when they do it, but the skin sensation thing hurts me too.

My emotions are all over the place. I revolve between anger, frustration, depression, and once in a while happiness. But that's rare. Mostly it's frustration and bad depression. The kind where you feel so rotten and worthless that you want to crawl in a hole and hide from the world. You figure no one will notice if you are gone so you might as well leave. I tried to do that this week for a while, but thank goodness a good friend called me out and asked me how I was doing. I miss her and I just saw her last weekend!

Do you ever wish you could do things that it seems like everyone else is capable of doing? I wish I could be the perfect mom, the perfect wife, keep a clean and tidy house, make wonderful meals that everyone likes, and do it with a smile on my face. I would honestly be happy if I could just do these simple things. Why am I unable to do any of it??? Why is it so freaking hard? I wish that was my talent. Make my crummy little apartment a home. I can't even do anything right. I feel terrible but don't have the plans or ideas on how to make it work. I barely remember my own name lately.

Yesterday I finally noticed something. I was calling my mom throughout the week just asking how she was doing. But I was asking the same things over and over like I've never heard the answer before. I totally panicked the other day because I bought a stupid roast chicken at the store with great intentions of what to do with it. I get home and stare at it and realized I had no recollection of what I wanted to do. I called my mom and almost started hyperventilating telling her about it. I was crying and just felt like a retard. It was like my mind had been erased of any sense. I was scared. So while I can remember things, I'm going to try and start writing them down. Then if I forget anything, I can refer to the list. How humiliating is that?