Feeling very morbid tonight

I went to a funeral for a young lady today. The family used to be in our ward and we used to know each other's families really well. She died while driving to or from Rexburg to visit her sister at school. She fell asleep at the wheel and rolled her car. She was only 18 years old. I didn't know her personally, but I used to be good friends with her older sister RaeShel who sang at our wedding and her older brother Aaron. It was such a shock to hear of her passing. This is the second funeral in less than 6 months for a family in my parent's ward or used to be in their ward. This one was packed!! There was standing room only in the way far back of the culteral hall. Tons of pictures of N all over the place and you could tell she had a lot of friends as did the family. Everyone was there to support this family.

It was different than any other LDS funeral I'd ever been to. I was thinking the whole time that I want my funeral to be this way. Usually funerals are solemn sorrowful affairs but this one there was laughter, beautiful music, and a different feeling to it that was at times wonderful and at others felt like another production put on by this acting family. I really liked the opening hymn, "God Be With You, Til We Meet Again". There was the talk about the purpose of life which was good since I know that over half the people there were not members. But then instead of a eulogy, two siblings got up and talked about N and gave some wonderful and funny memories. There was an incredible musical number with all the sisters and sister-in-laws. N's sister RaeShel has the voice that would make you cry she's so good. It was a powerful experience to hear them all sing. Then N's parents got up and gave some memories.

That's when I felt the service take a turn. The father is a good actor but he seemed to be putting on a show of sorts. Maybe I just don't know him well enough or maybe I didn't think it was appropriate, but I didn't like how almost rowdy it got when he talked. But that's just him and that's the way he wanted to remember his daughter, so if it made him and his family happy, then I'm glad. It's just not what I'm used to I guess.

The whole service got me thinking about how I want things when I pass away. I liked that opening song, I liked how the memories were done instead of a standard eulogy. The musical number was great. My dad was with me and he said it reminded him of an Irish wake. Well, that's what I want. I want laughter, smiles, good memories, and only good tears not sorrowful ones. I want to be buried earlier or later, but I don't want my casket there. That's all you stare at when the casket's there. You don't remember the person, just the place where their body is. I want to be remembered alive, not dead. I don't know if that makes sense or not. I don't like seeing a dead body because my memory of that person will be forever tarnished by that. And I know that that person isn't really there anymore. I'd rather remember someone while they are alive.

It's such a hard thing to think about now, especially since I got diagnosed with breast cancer. I was really scared for a while that I was going to die. I don't think that now. Now it's just an annoyance because the problem isn't done being taken care of. But when I was diagnosed, I did something kind of private that I don't know if I ever told anyone about. I went to the cemetary where my grandpa was buried and had a little "talk" with him. I don't think it matters what I said, but basically it came down to the fact that I was fearful that I would soon be seeing him. I was very doom and gloom inside when I first heard the diagnosis and every now and then I still feel that way, especially after today. But then I think of my girls and I won't allow myself to think that way. I'm NOT leaving them while they are young. I WON'T!!! I'm gonna be an old broad in my 90s before they are rid of me! lol

Another thing that stuck in my mind after the service today is something one of the siblings said. This girl who died was very unique. She said what she thought, she tried things no matter what others thought, she lived life her way and the hell with everyone else. They encouraged others to be courageous and I want to do that. I want to try something that I've always wanted to do but never had the courage to do. I know my limits though. I'm still not going to make the Olympic gymnastics team no matter how I try, I won't ever play symphonies on the piano, or sing the national anthem at a baseball game. lol But maybe I will learn to play guitar or jump out of an airplane, or get my degree, or try new things. It couldn't hurt, now could it?