Don't look into the mirror!!

Good things about today. I got a lovely drug-induced resting time. I layed down late this morning and just rested in bed. I was in and out of it and would have happily stayed that way if I didn't have to get up to pee and I didn't feel guilty for being in bed. I wish I could do it again. Also, I got a loud pounding on the door. I peeked through the blinds and saw that someone was delivering flowers. Since it wasn't a resident bugging me, I thought I would answer. I figured it was for the neighbor lady since she was also expecting a package of some kind already. But they were for me! Just a simple small arrangement that put the biggest smile on my face. It got even bigger when I saw who it was from. Uh, who has their orthodontist send them flowers? I've never heard of that before, but that's who my flowers were from!!! How in the world did he know that I had surgery last week? I think I vaguely remember saying something about my chemo ending in August or something like that. It's crazy!!! I'm definitely calling the office tomorrow and giving my heartfelt thanks to them.

Yesterday I thought I was doing good and when Jason was helping me by changing my dressings, I peeked down to see how my new boob looked. From the top you can't see squat but what I did see was higher up and looked ...perky. So I'm feeling brave today and go to take a shower. Which means I took all my dressings, bandages off, and checked myself out full in the mirror. Worst thing I did all day.

I have angry red scars, nasty looking steri strips, black stitches, a drain coming out of my side, and my funkiest looking breast you've ever seen, make that two boobs. One is still Stubby but even stubbier and sunk in, and the other has been carved up and the areola is not anything I recognize. I was still too scared to touch my chest to the warm water in the shower and held a wash rag in front of me. I still have my drain in and felt like I needed to hold it in one hand while showering. I didn't want to let it drop to hold the washrag in place, so my chest didn't get as clean as I would have liked since I was so worried about catching the fabric on a stitch, getting something wet that shouldn't be, and so on. The rest of me felt great though.

Looking at myself in the shower was awful. Your breasts are such a part of you that makes you feel feminine. Mine are carved up and ugly and painful. So any high I was on today is gone. I'm a mess again. I don't look pretty, I don't even look okay, and I definitely don't feel beautiful or okay. I just cried and cried later. I still feel like doing it now. Hearing someone say that it gets better later is just peachy. But I'm living in the NOW, I don't want to hear about later.