9-11-06

Well, it's 5 years later from that horrible day. As much as I want to sometimes, I can't forget that day or the days that followed. How am I going to forget watching the WTC and the billowing smoke and the feelings I had while holding my newborn daughter at the same time? I just held her tighter. Am I going to forget how scared I was to let my husband go to work in the tallest building in Portland? He worked in the basement andf he wouldn't be able to get out if his building was hit and collaspsed. I watched that second plane hit, and I could have sworn I was watching a movie. It's New York for heavens sakes. They always show New York getting bombed or destroyed in movies, it had to be that. Nothing like planes flying into buildings happen in real life. My brain couldn't wrap itself around the fact that it really did happen, that people were evil enough to plan something so horrid. My brother travels for his job quite a bit. I knew that he had been in New York the previous week and found out later that he had stayed in the Marriott that was either at the foot of the WTC or pretty damn close. I was terrified to get on a plane again and I'm still scared to do it but have to calm myself down to not freak out. I taped the movie that the French filmakers made called "9/11". It was made with Robert DeNiro being the narrator. I watched it that night and I haven't been able to see it since. It hurts too much still. To see all those people racing into the buildings, hearing the horrid thuds of people jumping from the buildings and hitting the ground, the screaming, the dust billowing down the street as everyone races away.

I don't want to ever see or hear another thing about it. But I do at the same time!!! I don't want to forget but I don't want to be terrified when I think of it later. I'm not okay with this day and I have a feeling I never will.