We met Chloe's kindergarten teacher tonight

Such a big day for Chloe and me. Well, more for me than her. My baby starts school next week and we went to her school today and found out who her teacher was. She has Mrs. Martinez and she seems like a real nice person. She has 22 kids in her class and Chloe will have her first day of school next Thursday. Next week they have gradual entry for the kindergarteners. Each day next week, only about 7 students from each class go on that day. Chloe's day is Thursday and she will be there all day. Then the next Monday, Sept. 11th, she starts going every day.

I went today really nervous. I had some questions and concerns in my mind that were probably trivial, but were a big deal to me. This is my FIRST baby going to school and leaving me and I had all sorts of silly fears. But Mrs. Martinez answered all my questions, I got all the info I needed, and now we have alerted all our family to save cereal tops for education dollars. lol I can't begin to say how excited, relieved, and happy I am that Chloe is going to David Douglas school district and not Portland Public Schools. I would have moved back to Vancouver or homeschooled her if I thought she would go to PPS. She will have all day kindergarten, the school is on the other side of the park which is only a football field length away from our front door. We will be able to walk Chloe to school every day.

So to start things off, we went inside the school and saw which teacher she would have and what room she was in. We headed down the hall with the sea of parents and children to the different classrooms. We found her room in the very back of the school in the corner from where we started. This did not make me feel very good. But we got to the classroom and I met the teacher. When did all the teachers start getting younger than me??? She looked like she was barely out of high school. But we walked around the room and got her familiar with everything that was going to happen. I saw a schedule of her day, where the cubbyholes were for backpacks, the reading area, and the desks. I felt good being in there and it made me happy to see where Chloe would be all day. Jason and I introduced Chloe to Mrs. Martinez and they had a little chat. We also met the teacher's aide Nicole too. We found the library, the gym, cafeteria, etc. Everywhere that Chloe would be, we went and found it so she knew what it looked like.

I had the dumbest thoughts in my head but I seriously could not remember anything, so I had to find out and ask the dumbest questions. I found out that the kindergarten kids eat at their own table, they go to lunch together, the teacher's aide stays with them during lunch and helps wherever needed, Chloe will have snack time, recess where she won't have a chance to walk home, etc. From the playground, you can see our apartment and I worried that she would want to take off during recess and walk home. But they have people on the grounds watching the kids and Chloe would never get that far without someone noticing and bringing her back. I have Mrs. Martinez classroom number, the office number, and all the information I could need.

When we left, I felt shaky and weepy. It's like Mom said, I had the bringing up of Chloe for 5 years and now I was handing her off to be taught by someone else. I wasn't sure I could do this, but I'm proud of Chloe and I know that she will do awesome. She's terribly shy, but I KNOW that this experience will be so good for the both of us. It's just hard to believe that my baby is going to school! I feel like crying now.

Just pray that I don't make a fool of myself on her first day of school. I'm going to work on not letting her know I want to cry and then making sure I don't actually do it till after I drop her off in her classroom.

Bawling all day long

What the heck is wrong with me today? Everything makes me cry! My girls left and normally I'm thrilled, but I'm all alone and I want to cry. I know my mil is upset with me and no matter what I say to her, she says everything is great even though both Jason and I can tell it isn't okay and that makes me cry because everything used to be so good. I started a new blog just for my girls and that made me cry because I was a lousy mom and never did all the good mom things like doing baby books. I went in for my shots today and asked what would control the hot flashes. They told me Vitamin D and that made me cry for some dumb reason. I wanted a hug and no one's around and that's making me cry. I swear I think I'm losing it today and that's making me cry. I'm a mess!

8th chemo treatment went great today

The girls went to the babysitters this morning and didn't look back. I told Chloe I would call her later and I didn't do it. I wish I had, because it turns out that she threw up twice while she was there and I didn't get a phone call about it. I feel terrible! I guess she was asking about us and kept saying her tummy didn't feel good. I really feel rotten about it.

But Mom picked me up this morning and we went and saw Dr. Solti for my appointment. Dr. Brouns was gone and so I saw her. I started going back to the chemo room and getting my port stick put in and put on some saline type of stuff before seeing the doctor. Then I went back and got my good spot and was able to chat with my new chemo buddy Debi. Her hair is starting to fall out the night before her second treatment. So next time I expect to see her bald. It took a while to get started with the real chemo drugs, but I had time to spare. Mom kept me company for a while and then she left and Shannon and Dad showed up and visited with me for a while. They brought the cookies I made yesterday and set them out. The nurses handed them out to all the chemo patients and it made me feel good to know that all 7-8 dozen were gone by the end of the day and I had many compliments and comment directed towards me concerning them.

I'm impressed. My brother is deathly afraid of needles or has some type of paranoia about them. Anyways, he came for about 3 minutes to say hi before I told him he could leave with Mom. lol At least he showed up anyways. Jason was able to arrange half a day off by working on Sunday, so he came to stay after about 1:30 or so. He brought me three balloons and two cards, one from him and one from work. They were both wonderful and when I opened the card from his coworkers, it would sing "I will Survive!". Very nice.

Towards the end of chemo, I called Mom and told her to come over so she could see me ring my bell. I got tired of waiting and hit the bathroom. When I came out, my dad, sister, Nanny, mom, husband, and a friend and her son where there waiting for me. I got nice cards from Shannon and Mom and she made me an apron so I can get back to some serious cooking! Was that a hint or what? That and the pair of tongs I've been wanting gave the clues away.

So they all got to watch me say goodbye to various people I know and don't know. The nurses, other patients, and the scheduling staff. Then it was time to ring the bell. Jason set the video on the camera and I rang it out loud. All the nurses and patients stopped and clapped and cheered for me. It was very emotional because Mom and I both started getting weepy. Such a big deal! Ringing that bell meant so much! I was done with this part of my life and time to get onto something else. I will miss this experience so much.

I'm still not completely sure why I will miss it. But my nurse was telling me that just because I'm not actively doing something to fight the disease, I'm still healing and getting better. She said a lot of people get done with chemo and ask "Now what?". I know I have surgeries and radiation coming up but it's not that simple. This chemotherapy was such a life altering experience. If you haven't done it before or known someone who's done it, you don't get it. And then you don't have it anymore and you don't know how to fill that void. I found a book on amazon that I want to get that talks about it. I'm also thinking it might be a good idea to find a support group for breast cancer survivors so that I can continue to be around a good group of supporters to help me through this. We'll see how it goes. I wish so many things that can't happen. I'd love to go out and laugh with Erin and Kristen sometime. They can make me laugh so hard at times.

But it's getting late and I'm so tired and exhausted and emotionally shot today. I'm going to take my meds and go try to sleep. I have a sick baby, so I hope she has a good night too. She will be staying with me tomorrow if she's still feeling icky and Lindsey will go to Grandma's house. Hope all goes well there.

My last chemo is tomorrow!!!!

I can hardly believe that I will be done with chemotherapy tomorrow. It seems like I've been doing this forever. I had absolutely no idea what to expect with the first treatment and now I'm an old pro at it. 4 months have gone by and soon 8 treatments will be finished. I've been poked, prodded, had labs done too many times to count and I feel like a giant pin cushion.

It's weird to say and understand, but I will miss it. I will miss going in every other Thursday and sitting with friends that KNOW better than anyone what you are going through and think nothing of the lack of eyebrows you have or the new scarf or hat you have on to hide the hair. I will miss the laughter, the smiles of the nurses, my comfy fake leather recliner, and the fact that they FINALLY fixed the ice machine after it's been broken all summer long. Doing chemo was proactive and about the only thing I felt I could do that was doing something towards beating this disease.

I will miss especially(my nurses) Janelle, Tara, Amy, and even Desi. I'll miss Donna, Nancy, Sue, and mostly Tonya (my chemo buddies). She had her last treatment last time I was there. She knew I would be lonely and set me up with a new lady, Debbie who was having her first treatment. Tonya made me laugh, smile, and talk when maybe I didn't want to. She saved me a chair with "the girls" so when I arrived later, I would have a good spot to sit at and could laugh and talk with them. She made it easier to bear and even helped me to look forward to treatment because I knew she would be there. It will be hard to go tomorrow when I know she won't be there.

I didn't want to bring in a cake because that seemed a little too impersonal, so I made big batches of oatmeal raisin and chocolate chip cookies. My mom is bringing in some fruit and together we'll have the makings of a good going away party for me in the chemo room. I will really miss being there but I'm glad it's done too. I hated the Neulasta and Listera shots on Fridays. Those hurt even though Janelle is really careful about giving them to me. She does everything possible to make it easier to bear.

I hope everything goes well tomorrow and that I will be able to have the chemo. I didn't wait around for the results of my labs on Tuesday and if my levels aren't right, I won't do the chemo and will have to wait. But I've never had to put off a visit yet though I came close one time. Nothing out of the ordinary has happened, so I'm sure it will be fine.

Wish me luck and help me to be able to sleep tonight!!!

Last chemo on Thursday!!!

I can hardly believe after Thurday that I will not have to have another chemotherapy treatment. Has it really been 4 months since I started this? Doesn't seem like it. What am I going to do on Thursdays now? I'll have to find some other "fun" activity to replace sitting in a chair for 4-5 hours receiving drugs bad enough that a nurse has to wear special clothes at times to administer it to me.

So I want to do something special on Thursday. Bring a card or something to my nurse Janelle. We are assigned a nurse when we start and she was mine from the beginning. She's been great, real supportive, extra attentive, always making sure everything is just right. But somehow I don't think Hallmark has a card for this occaision. lol I'm not a sweet and sugary person a lot so I'm not sure how to proceed. I'm not even going to see my regular oncologist this week! He's gone so I'm seeing someone else. I want to celebrate somehow and I think I will bring in a cake or some type of goodies to share with everyone. I might just make a couple of batches of cookies on Wednesday instead of a cake. I'll figure it out.

This summer has been hell for me. I've never felt like I have and I've been through a lot. Started out with chemo and saline fills for the tissue expander. The chemo made me sick, the saline fills were incredibly painful, stupid thing fails, money issues, and so much more. Now the chemo is done and I survived it and done ...okay. How do you celebrate this? I want to mark this day and make it special but don't know how.

I do know that I'm going to walk out of there ringing that bell loud and clear. I'm happy I made it, I'm glad that it's done, and pray that I don't have to do it again.

late Friday night

Thought I would update a little. The chemo is different this time around. They gave me the Gemzar faster and I don't know if that has anything to do with it or not. But I'm getting symptoms that I would normally get with my AC chemo. Slightly sick to my stomach constantly, and tired a lot but not able to sleep, and the weird slight heartburn and tongue sensations. But I also get constant pain in different areas of my body. I mean that I have pain in different areas of my body, but while it's never in the same place, pain is always somewhere in my body. Does that help?

Yesterday I had a headache type of pain. It would like "pulse" in a certain spot in my head every couple of minutes all day. Today, it was in my right leg. It started right at my hip socket area and would cross over the top of my knee and down the inside of my calf down to my ankle. This would pulse or hit me with pain every so often and even now it's doing it. Sometimes it really hurts and other times I barely notice it.

I have a strange skin sensation going on too. My skin is super sensitive to touch now. Jason was trying to help me out last night and rubbed my shoulders with some lotion. It felt like I was being pummeled and it hurt!!! He wasn't trying to hurt me, but my body is just bizarre now and even when my little girls hug me, it almost annoys me how much it bothers me. But I loved to be hugged!!! I love it when they do it, but the skin sensation thing hurts me too.

My emotions are all over the place. I revolve between anger, frustration, depression, and once in a while happiness. But that's rare. Mostly it's frustration and bad depression. The kind where you feel so rotten and worthless that you want to crawl in a hole and hide from the world. You figure no one will notice if you are gone so you might as well leave. I tried to do that this week for a while, but thank goodness a good friend called me out and asked me how I was doing. I miss her and I just saw her last weekend!

Do you ever wish you could do things that it seems like everyone else is capable of doing? I wish I could be the perfect mom, the perfect wife, keep a clean and tidy house, make wonderful meals that everyone likes, and do it with a smile on my face. I would honestly be happy if I could just do these simple things. Why am I unable to do any of it??? Why is it so freaking hard? I wish that was my talent. Make my crummy little apartment a home. I can't even do anything right. I feel terrible but don't have the plans or ideas on how to make it work. I barely remember my own name lately.

Yesterday I finally noticed something. I was calling my mom throughout the week just asking how she was doing. But I was asking the same things over and over like I've never heard the answer before. I totally panicked the other day because I bought a stupid roast chicken at the store with great intentions of what to do with it. I get home and stare at it and realized I had no recollection of what I wanted to do. I called my mom and almost started hyperventilating telling her about it. I was crying and just felt like a retard. It was like my mind had been erased of any sense. I was scared. So while I can remember things, I'm going to try and start writing them down. Then if I forget anything, I can refer to the list. How humiliating is that?

Back from my mini vacation

I had the chance to go visit my friend Tanya up in Washington this past weekend. My mil thought I was nuts for going somewhere the week of chemo, but I didn't start having problems until Sunday afternoon, so I did alright.

Friday after my shots for my blood levels, my parents took me to the train station and waited with me for the late train to show up. I got a business class seat on the way up and it was really worth it. I had a row to myself and it was quiet and peaceful. I even got a ticket for money off in the "bistro" and was able to get a drink for nothing. Very difficult to do my cross-stitch, but I enjoyed the trip nonetheless. I miss riding the train and plan to do it sometime soon again.

Tanya and O picked me up in Tacoma and I immediately felt terrible. Worst day of the week, worst time of day for traffic in Tacoma. But soon we were chatting like crazy and I didn't notice the traffic after a while. In fact, most of the weekend, we were talking and laughing and just being together and the time went so fast! When we got to her new home they had just bought, I was immediately in love. So perfect for her family. Just the right size. When I like a home, I can't help but start imagining how I would arrange my things. I hope I didn't drive her nuts with that. But it's just what Jason and I have always wanted. Yellow house, front porch area big enough for a chair, fenced back yard, area for swingset, area for a garden, big enough kitchen, and best of all, the fridge. She must think I'm insane! But I love her fridge. It had an icemaker and I constantly filled my glass with crushed ice and water all weekend. The water tasted great and much better than here in Portland.

We didn't do anything really wild, just got to be friends together and talk and laugh and just ...be. We've been friends for a long time and we didn't have to do anything really big to enjoy each other. I was being careful after chemo and we just spent time around the house. I think the worst part was trying to figure out where to eat for lunch on Saturday. Both of us couldn't make a decision and I know I wanted to make sure got to eat where she wanted so we almost went hungry trying to make sure the other person ate where they wanted because we could never decide what to eat. Geez, we're weird. lol

I had insisted on taking them out for dinner and was didn't get a real chance to do it because her dh made a wonderful pork roast dinner. I know he didn't know this, but one of my favorite dinners is pork roast, mashed potatoes and gravy, and veggies with homemade fruit sorbet. That's what we had!! He made it and didn't know how much it's one of my favorites. Then the man butters me up even more and makes a great Sunday breakfast with Tanya helping out on eggs. This Southern gentleman made biscuits and gravy, bacon, juice, and eggs. I was in shock, but very pleased. I didn't know Reid had it in him. The man's not perfect though. He's a very polite man with a southern drawl but can whip out the "F" word when you least expect it. rofl

I almost didn't want to come home. It's been a long time since I had such a big comfy bed to myself without a baby sneaking into it at night. The weather was cooler, lots of big green trees, and everything was very soothing. But I missed my babies, my dh, and my a/c. (Sorry Tanya) Glad to be back home now. I started getting the pains from my chemo on Sunday and I was hoping it wasn't too obvious but it was shooting up my legs and making me knees weak. I was so happy to sink into that train chair at the train station on the way home. Last night was so hard to sleep, but thank goodness for great pain meds and a rest today. A wonderful family in our ward had the girls today and I was able to take some really good pain meds that helped the pain go away. I'm feeling much better than before but still leery of the pain.

Thanks so much to Tanya and her family. I had a really great time in their home and even though we had a couple of "scuffles", I still love em! ;)

My 7th chemo treatment

Well,7 down 1 more to go. This seemed to go alright. It was my chemo buddy Tonya's last chemo treatment and she was there earlier than I was. She's always so sweet. She saves me a good seat next to her and we have great chats while we are getting our chemo. Since she knew this was her last treatment, she made friends with a new lady that was having her first treatment. Got to know her and then introduced me to her. Her name is Debbie and she's on the AC combo. Tonya told me since she was going to be gone, she didn't want me to be lonely and so she found me a new friend. That's why I got to know Debbie so that I wouldn't be alone next time on my last treatment. She's so awesome.

Tonya brought in a cake and shared with everybody and then we she got ready to leave, she rang her bell signally she was done with chemo. Everyone clapped and cheered and then she was gone. I was so happy for her and sad for me. Going to chemo was something to look forward to because I had people to talk to that were going through the exact same thing I was and I didn't have to make excuses at all. The only question there was was what kind of cancer did YOU have. My buddies and I all had breast cancer so we also had that in common. I'm so happy that Tonya made it through this part of the battle and can now face her surgery with this already done.

I feel okay for the most part. In the morning, I could feel a tightness in my chest because I was running around and hurrying and trying to get things together before I left for my trip. That and feeling just a tad tired and out of sorts and I was fine. I'm starting to feel little things creep up on me now, but nothing major yet.

I can hardly believe I only have one more chemo treatment. I didn't think it would end so soon. It's like the time just flew by. It was nothing I expected at all but at the same time it was. I learned a lot of things that I didn't think I would. My chemo center is a happy place for me. It's bright, lots of light, good nurses, cheerful patients, and very comfy chairs. For as long as I have to sit there, I'm very glad for my comfy chair there. If only the students from the massage school had come back and offered to massage my feet every time then it would have been perfect.

A fish tried to bite me

Well, it sure seemed like that. Never trust the fish in giant feeding ponds at the fish hatchery. Ever.

Saturday morning we decided to take the girls for a ride up the Gorge. Chloe really enjoyed it last time we were there and so we went again. It was cool and shady and a little breezy, so I'm really glad we went. It's been hot all the time or muggy and it was such a treat to be cool.

Anyways, at the fish hatchery there are about 4 ponds of fish. They had salmon, trout, sturgeon, and some mixed together. You can get fish food at the ponds for a quarter. A little handfull comes out that looks like rabbit pellets. You throw it at the fish and watch the frenzy of them fighting for it. They are really hungry or really bored. Lindsey was pretty scared of the fish, but every once in a while would flick one pellet at a time at the fish. So cute!

So we get to this pond that had a couple of ducks on it. Chloe was really trying to feed the ducks, but those damn fish would crowd up and grab the food before this one duck would get a chance. So she and I go to the far side of the pond and try feeding the duck there. The pond is surrounded on the borders by rocks. I get down and bring some pellets close to where the duck is. The duck gets closer and closer and once in a while I drop a pellet down in the water to entice it to come closer. I get my hand close to the surface of the water and those stupid fish are swarming around me in the water, I can see them below the surface.

Anyways, the duck is less than a foot away and I have my hand so close to the surface. Suddenly, there's a splash and this damn fish jumps up and smacks my hand, makes me lose the fish food into the water, and I scream. I seriously thought he was going to bite me. It took me a while to figure out they don't have teeth. So I scream and everyone around the pond looks up at me like I'm an idiot. I start laughing because it was all so funny. Maybe you had to be there. But to the fish, my hand was so close and they thought they were getting lunch!!! Lesson learned, don't put your hand too close to the surface of the water at a hungry fish pond. Fish will think you are food and want to eat you.

FIRE

My heart if finally calming down now. I was sure buzzed on adreneline for a while and I was shaking.

One of the few nights that I'm not dealing with insomnia and I'm wide awake again at 1:38am. I got to bed before 11pm which is a big deal and was sleeping okay till we hear a pounding on our door. Being apartment managers really sucks and I thought it was someone who got towed and they didn't know what to do. Jason stumbles to answer the door and after a second, he comes back to get some pants and runs back out. That scared me. When I asked what was wrong, he said one of the residents said there was a fire. Initially he thought it was one of the apartments on fire. But the guy who pounded on his door said it was in the park.

We are in apartments that butt up against a park. We have a fence on the backside of the park with an entrance to it about 25 feet from my front door. Our bedroom windows face the park. There are about a dozen or more 6-7 story high Douglas Fir trees on the backside of the park which means they are very close to us. When dh told me the park had a fire, I look out our bedroom window and the tree in front of our window about 35 feet away is on FIRE. Well, the bushes around the tree were red with ambers up to 6 feet high and a couple of flames would burst out every second or so. So not completely on fire, but just a few minutes away. We haven't had rain in a long time and the park was crispy brown. That tree would have gone up like a torch. About 3 of us call 911 and describe it to them. I knew dh and the resident were on cell phones and here, if you call 911 on a cell, you get a recording first. I didn't know how long they would be delayed if calling on them, so I called on our office phone which is a landline.

Thank goodness for the fire department that is less than 4 blocks away!!! They were here in a minute or so of my phone call and the fire was out seconds later. The fire investigation team has called us already asking if we know who set it, if we saw anything, etc. When I was calling, I saw someone run across in front of the tree but it was a shadow and I don't know much more than that.

But the girls never even made a peep!! The fire truck was right in front of our apartment and it was loud with it's engine rumbling. They had a floodlight on the truck and it was shining towards the park and therefore in our living room windows too. Nothing phased them at all. They sleep lousy at night lately so I was sure one of them would be up.

Fire is one of my biggest fears in life. I was so scared when I looked out our bedroom window. All I can think of now, is what would have happened if that guy who pounded on our door hadn't of just got home from work at 12:30am, smelled smoke and called us. Would it have gotten into a full fledged fire and reached anywhere near us? Would we have smelled the fire or would our apartment caught fire? All I can think of are worst case scenarios and I can't sleep. The one freaking night that I don't have insomnia and I can't go back to sleep!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Insomnia and Pepsi don't mix

Yeah, not a good combo. I haven't had a big giant Pepsi in a while because quite often, carbination bothers my tongue during chemo. Well, I was feeling pretty good, not much heartburn, no carbination problems, so I get a big drink. Then I get hooked playing online Mahjong tournaments and I can't sleep. Then the combo hits me and it's after 1am in the morning!

I'm excited! I get to go visit my friend in her new home next weekend. I get to ride the train up there and she'll pick me up and we'll have a grand old time chatting and catching up. I've missed her a lot and as much as I love MOFs, it's just not the same as having an actual person face to face that I've been best friends with since before we had our girls. Not that I don't love so many of MOFs!

I had an appointment this week with Dr. G, the reconstructive surgeon. She's the one that during my initial surgery put in the tissue expander that filled me with massive amounts of pain for weeks on end. Well, the tissue expander failed, burst , ripped a hole, whatever. It didn't work and so she wanted to schedule surgery for September to have the expander taken out and my left boob reduced. I was a rather larger 44F and to go to just one boob that's huge and the other side is nothing has been hard for me to find clothing to match plus many other problems.

Anyhoo, she's going to fix my left boob to a nice small size and in the spring I'll have yet another surgery to "make" another boob which is called a trams flap procedure. But at the appointment this week, we tentatively have September 13th as the surgery date. It's on a Wednesday and it will be around 1pm. Which really sucks! I'd rather it be on Thursday or Friday so it's closer to the weekend. I'm just glad to have the tissue expander out. It's uncomfortable when I'm sleeping on my side because I can feel it in my chest and I hate it.

The girls and I were being silly the other night and I gave them markers and let them color on my head. lol It was kind of fun. Chloe got this look like she was doing something she would get in trouble for later but was still having fun doing it anyways. She had the biggest grin in the world. Totally worth it. Thank goodness for baby wipes and the fact that the markers were washable. When they were done the first time, I just wiped it all off and they did it again. Chloe wrote her name and colored some pretty things on there for Daddy to see when he got home. It was really fun.

Thank goodness it's Wednesday!!

Because Monday and Tuesday were hell! Sorry. But I've never hurt like that before. Imagine having shooting pains in your legs, from your hips to your toes and they come and go with no regularity. It's just a constant pain at some point in your legs all day and all night. Drugs don't help. It was not great last treatment, but this time was nearly unbearable.

I had my second treatment of Taxol and Gemzar last Thursday. I was ...okay through the weekend. But I woke up on Monday and I was in for it. It hurt a lot and not the same way it hurt with the tissue expander. This was something totally different. On Tuesday I had to take Chloe into the doctor for her well child visit. That was terrible. Nothing like hearing your child scream bloody murder over 3 shots to make you feel like crap. Anyways, I shouldn't have been driving. I would drift a bit or be too tensed up or my legs would cramp at random moments while on the freeway and other times I had to force myself to keep my eyes open. I couldn't take it after a while. We went to go pick up Lindsey at my mil's house. I didn't feel safe enough to drive home. I was in tears and had to have my fil drive me home and have my inlaws watch the girls till Jason could pick them up and drive them home. I got home and my sweet fil offered to help me into the house. I was walking like an old man so I don't blame him. I took something that finally let me sleep and was able to get some rest.

For Monday and Tuesday, I would walk around half bent over and with my legs bent at the knees. I couldn't stand up straight or walk too fast since I didn't know when the pains would start. I think the girls watched a whole lot of tv on Monday since I couldn't do anything.

But today I woke up and the pains were nearly all gone. I could barely feel them and it was like the pain switch was turned off. Good thing too, since I had so much going on. Go with Grammy and the girls to the park and eat pizza, bake cookies for RS function, go get labs done, drive through major traffic to pick up dh in downtown Portland, and then go home and get ready for RS function. NOT fun. But it felt good to know that I could handle it again. I almost welcomed all of the craziness.

I feel like I'm breaking

My legs and knees ache like crazy. I wish I could just take some heavy meds and go to bed. But the car needs to be picked up from the repair place, dinner needs to be made, residents are moving out, the girls need to be watched, and the phones need to be answered. The aches are in my hands, knees, legs, hips, everywhere. It hurts and it comes and goes. I just feel like my body is breaking up!

I'm in a foul mood and I can't do a thing about it. I really feel like I'm all along in some ways. I feel ignored and shut out and passed over and I'm mad as hell. I hate feeling like I don't know what's going on. It's almost as bad as the physical pain but no one knows except Mom because no one has bothered to ask me how I'm feeling. I'm just hurting all over today and I really don't know how to make it better. I'd ask for a blessing, but I don't know who to ask.

I made a mistake

I made a mistake. Never write in a blog at 5am. I said some things in my last entry that I regret. I deleted the paragraph and I'm sorry I said what I did. It was early, I was hurting, and feeling very sorry for myself and didn't really know what I was saying. Kristen has tried to IM me several times, Erin has sent me some clothes and at least one cute package for the girls. I had forgotten this when I wrote this morning. I hope you guys aren't too mad at me. I'm really sorry.

6th Chemo treatment

Well, I'm glad I called earlier this week and asked if I could start my chemo sooner. They had me scheduled to for the doctor visit at noon and then chemo starting after that. I know my treatments are long, but I didn't want to get out so late. So they let me come in at 11am and start chemo and then go see the doctor an hour into it. Good thing too since I was the last patient there at 5:30pm. They got my prechemo drugs in me and then had to wait for results from a liver test and discuss it with the doctor before they could start me on the Taxol. My levels were elevated enough that I might not have been allowed to continue. They don't like the levels to go over 120 and mine were 181. So that took extra time and then going to see the doctor took extra time because he was running late.

No clue about when I actually started the Taxol and Gemzar. They gave me a dose of Tagamet and Benedryl with some IV Ativan thrown in for good measure. I didn't have any Emend this week and I was more that slightly worried about getting nauseated so they gave me the Ativan. That took a little extra time but it was worth it if I don't get sick.

It was funny when I walked in. My chemo buddies Donna and Tonya were sitting across from each other and Donna immediately pointed next to Tonya saying that they saved me a spot. Awwwww, that made me feel good! So we all chatted and had fun. I made cookies and brought them yesterday with the recipe included. There are a lot of older people there and if they have health problems that deal with diet, I wanted the recipe there so they could see what's in the cookies. Plus, selfishly, I loved the cookies and wanted to share so someone else could make them. They were gone in a hour!!!! Yeah. I heard both nurses and patients talking about them. Made me feel great. Donna had her last treatment today and it was also her anniversary. So she sent her dh out and he brought back a gorgeous plant for the counter and a huge chocolate cake for everyone. I'm going to miss her! But she rang her bell after she was done with treatment and everyone clapped for her. I'm proud of her and hopes she does well with what come next.

I go back today for my two shots to help my white and red blood cell counts. Can't wait for that. The girls are at Grandma's house today and I'm going to be here trying to recoup. I'm just so tired but can't really sleep which is why I'm up at 5am this morning. Work stuff is happening, so I have to be alert for that today while I'm here. So no closing the bedroom door and taking a nap. But I refuse to go inspect the apartments today with the insurance company. I told the office that and they know. I just had chemo and I'm not going to every apartment and get a chance at getting sick. They don't pay me enough. I'm also going to try and get to a stamping party tonight. I didn't go last month but I want to try tonight. It's the only "fun"stuff I get to do and the only chance to be with friends and be "normal". I hope that I'm feeling up to it.

Relay for Life event

I was really not sure about going. I'm don't consider myself a cancer survivor, I barely like to even remember I had cancer in the first place. But I remind myself that I have had to do "battle" with it and so far, I'm winning.

That out of the way, I went to a Relay for Life in Vancouver last Saturday. This is the Saturday belonging in the hottest weekend of the year so far and felt like you were in hell. Vancouver is not supposed to get that freaking hot!!!

Anyways, I registered and was able to get a free purple survivor tshirt. They were having a survivor photo shoot at 10am. Thanks to car problems, we got there about 5 minutes after the picture was taken. I'm so bummed about it. Anyways, we get in the track with tons of survivors. There are some opening remarks and a celebrity spokesperson says a few words. Then, the master of ceremonies says for the survivors to take the first lap. Everyone else including sponsers and friends and family get on the sideslines and cheer us on. They are clapping and cheering us as we walk together around the track. I couldn't do it alone and Jason held my hand and walked with me. My heart was literally in my throat and tears were streaming down my face. It was such a very special moment. I didn't feel like a hero at all. But I'm so far surviving this wretched disease so I guess I'm do okay.

After that, all the sponsers and groups walked so we could see how participated. My cancer center had a team and my nurse Janelle was there with her little girl. It was nice to see all the nurses there. It's great and they knew me by name and called out to me when we went by their booth. The booths were on the outside perimeter of the track. So after all the intros were over, dh and I walked around to see all the groups. Each group had a booth and there were raffles and prizes everywhere. At the hospital booth, they had a quilt that caught my eye. All the fabrics that were used in my quilt that my friend made me, were in the quilt up for raffle. All the material was created and sold to raise money for breast cancer research. So I was impressed to see that someone had made this quilt for the raffle. They had it appraised for $600. Mine was just as good or better than the one for auction, so I knew I had a valuable quilt if I ever sold it, which I never will. The thought and actions behind the making of it, make me love it more than money is worth. I still signed up for that raffle. It was worth it.

Next, we went to the Survivor's tent. They had a special area for survivors where we could get free drinks, have a place to sit and rest, and have lunch. We were treated by Outback Steakhouse to a free lunch. Each plate had steak, chicken, rice pilaf, black bread, and caesar salad. Then we got a piece of cake from this bakery in town. By then, the survivor picturew as developed and all the survivors were given a copy of the picture set on a nice background. After that was a drawing with like 20 prizes. None of which I won. Oh well. We walked all over the place to see everything. I wanted to stay for hours, but it was too dang hot and humid and we had to get the girls.

We came back that night where I was hoping to see the luminaria bags lit. White lunch bags were decorated and lined up on the inside edge of the track. Unfortunately, it was going to be lit around 11pm and we wouldn't be able to see it. I would have given anything to stay but the girls were stretching their limits on how well they could behave. They were great and we didn't want to push our luck.

So all in all, it was a good experience. I recognized one lady from chemo and chatted with her for a few minutes. Otherwise, I didn't see anyone else I knew. I was just amazed at how many cancer survivors there were. Like I said, I was bawling walking that first lap. All I could think of were all these purple shirts and each one represented someone who beat cancer. It was sad how many people it had touched.

Struggling along with the new chemo

It's been a very busy week for me. In the last 30 hours, I've had 4 nosebleeds, various other bleeding, been sick to my stomach trying to make other side effects go away, and then I had to run to the hospital to have my blood drawn at 7pm last night. I called the cancer doctor and let them know I was having some side effects that I wasn't expecting and was it normal. Since I'm on this trial, they are very attentive and very careful about how I'm doing. The oncall oncologist decided that I needed to get my blood drawn immediately instead of waiting till today to go into the cancer center. So I go to the nearest hospital and had my labs done. Turns out my platelet count and blood cell counts are fine and I'm slightly anemic.

Then I get a call today from the cancer doctor who wants me to come in on Friday to have my labs done AGAIN. Just to check them before the weekend. Thank goodness I'm covered on this stuff by insurance! Next week is a chemo week, so I have to go in on Tuesday to have them done too. So 4 times in two weeks to have my blood drawn. Great.

The other side effects I was told about have now started to develop. Part of it is my fault though. But anyways, the painful achiness and joints hurting have started. It was so bad tonight that I wanted to cry. I took two percocet and I'm floating now. But stupid me, after I got home from the hospital last night, I stayed up late making freezer jam. I had the berries and had to make the jam while the berries were fresh. But standing in the kitchen barefoot while your joints are hurting wasn't the best decision. I hurt from the hips down all night.

I would love to have one week where something wasn't hurting or aching or my stomach sick or having nosebleeds. Just one week! I feel whiney, but good grief!!!! Anything bad that can happen, any bad side effect that can happen, has. I'm tired and emotional and sick to death of feeling bad. It feels like years since I have felt 100%. I went and saw my regular physician today and she said to go have a massage, manicure, pedicure, or something that would make me relaxed and cheer me up. I wish I could so much. Finances are so tight though. Too bad she didn't give me a prescription for it and I could charge it to my insurance. Somehow I think that claim would be denied.

I got a cool card in the mail. A friend of mine who is moving out of the country sent me a card just letting me know she was thinking of me. We haven't had as close contact as we had because of family issues. Just out of the blue on such a hard week, she just wanted to tell me hi. That girl has perfect timing. I'm so grateful to her. That card is going on the cabinet in my kitchen so I can remember to keep my chin up. I miss her but know she is doing great things now and moving will be wonderful for her.

I'm so ready for a massage

I learned some lessons yesterday. Just because you feel good two days after chemo, doesn't mean that you are in the clear and can do what you want. Also, if you ever get a flat tire on Sunday and need to call your dh for help, I guarreentee your HT will be there at your home when you call your dh.

I was feeling pretty good and went and picked up my mom at the airport. Everything was fine. I was feeling a bit sick before so I took something and was fine. I started to feel a sore throat come on and some tiredness but that's it. Since we were both hungry and we haven't seen each other since before my mom left on vacation, we broke the Sabbath and went to Olive Garden for lunch. It was so good! I love my capalini pomodoro which I just spelled horribly wrong. Anyways, on the way out, we notice that Mom's car had a nearly flat tire. So we call Jason to come save us and our home teacher is visiting us at the same time. Great. So The home teacher comes over and helps us change the tire in the Olive Garden parking lot. I know I'm going to hell now.

But anyways, we go back home and visit for a little while. I'm sitting on a chair and doing my best to stay upright and not crumble on the ground. As soon as they leave, I drop on the couch and then practically crawl to bed and don't move for a couple of hours. I felt like I had run a marathon or something. The feeling of being in one position for so long and then you stand up and stretch and realize how much you ache all over. That's what it felt like last night. I would have paid dearly to have a full body massage. It was that kind of ache.

I just hope that I can start taking better care of my body. My diet sucks. Right now I'm eating what sounds good regardless of what it is. Because so many times nothing sounds good that eating is just boring and not fun anymore. But I'm starting to ramble because I'm tired. I meet with my regular doctor on Wednesday to get an update and just make sure I'm doing okay.

I'm so lonely in some ways. I look forward to chemo because that's the only place where I can talk to anyone and they know exactly how I feel. I don't have to try and explain or anything. They just KNOW. I can joke about being bald or the side effects and they GET it. I have great online friends but, they aren't here with me. And I have some friends here in the area, but I can't ever meet with them. Different schedules or I'm way too shy or embarrassed to have anyone over and I don't know what to say. So it's my own fault.

I have a bunch of people I dearly love that I'd love to hook up with in Utah. It seems like they get together all the time and I'm so dang jealous. I try not to hear about their adventures because I just end up wanting to cry even though I'm happy for them. Just really sad for me.

So what am I waiting for?

I'm not sure how this treatment is supposed to go. I keep waiting for some side effects, but the ones that have come aren't what I'm used to.

Instead, it seems this treatment is more emotionally draining than any other. I am so messed up I don't know my way out. It's pathetic to be able to go to a blog and write out your feelings than express them to a loved one. I can't seem to explain myself well with my mouth, so I have to do it this way. If you see yourself in this, great. If not, even better.

Please don't ignore me. Please love me. Please show me that I'm the most important person in your life. You may think by physically removing things from me that you are taking away my stress. I just worry more when I don't know what's going on with my job or my girls. I don't like my decision making abilities taken away from me. I like to feel that I'm still in charge of my life no matter what's going on. I don't know how to make things better but I'm afraid to really tell you how I feel because I'm not ever sure of the response I'm going to get from you. I don't know if you want to be more involved in my cancer care or if you are just going through the motions to make me happy or to make you feel like you are a part of what's going on. If you honestly don't want to go somewhere, tell me. If you really care and want to do something, tell me that too. I don't know what to share with you.
I feel extremely vulnerable with you and very shy. I know how I look and I don't know how I feel. I forget a lot of stuff now and I don't mean it. So you may tell me something, but I don't honestly remember you telling me. You have to repeat and make sure I know what you're saying. I need to know that you love me. I need that more than anything. Because why should I fight if I don't feel any love at all?

This is how I feel and I can't help it. Just don't hide from me anymore. Don't run to this person or that or talk it over with someone else. Don't hide from talking to me about stuff. It's like you're already getting rid of me. I need a blessing, but I don't feel I can ask you for it. I know you would do it, but would you get WHY I need it? All of it?

5th chemo treatment- longest treatment of my life

So the day finally came. It's strange how I look forward to this day and dread it at the same time. I love seeing my "chemo buddies" because they alone know exactly what I'm going through. No matter what you tell your friends and family, it's not the same. Plus it feels like I'm doing something active to further my treatment instead of just sitting on my rear end. Also, I don't have to impress anyone there. I can go without makeup, wear a simple hat or not one at all. And no one cares. More than half have already lost their hair and it's just understood there. No judging at all. Thurdays are busy and there is lots of talking and my friends and I sit together and chatter most of the time we are there.

But since Mom had to run off the that great family get together in Idaho, Jason took the day off work and came with me. He's only met my doctor once and has never seen me get chemo. He just knows how I am after the treatments. It was kind of nice. He hates needles, so when they got ready to stick me, I made him go to the car and get my magazine and also to find me a slurpee at the 7-11 down the road. I think he was happy to go. lol

I ended up sitting next to Tonya and kitty-corner to Donna. Sue showed up much later and wasn't near us. But I got my two favorite ladies and that was nice. Tonya's dh Wayne had a Big dog shirt on and they were talking about fishing and you could see Jason's eyes light up and that helped him calm down a bit. That and when Tonya and I were talking about how they kill halibut made him laugh. I never knew they smack em on the head with a baseball bat till I saw dh's video in Alaska. But the boys had that in common and I was glad. Donna had her husband Sam were there and Jason got to shake hands all around. I was so happy that all the boys were there so Jason could see the support that they brought to their wives.

That was one very long treatment. We got there for a 10:30am treatment. After waiting for the doctor and then the chemo drugs to start, I got started around 11:30ish or so. I had mixture of tagamet and benedryl to help with heartburn and possible reactions and allergys to the taxol. That took a while. Then the drugs had stopped and it took the nurses a while to figure it out. Then My taxol started. That took at least 3 hours to get in. Then after that I had my dose of gemzar. So after all was said and done, I didn't get my line out til after 5pm. They were being extra cautious since it was my first taxol treatment and there is a good chance of allergic reactions so they gave it to me really slow, same as with the gemzar.

I got bored quickly so I was bugging Jason a lot. I know that John was home and I'm sure we called him a lot. But, we were able to bring his laptop to the treatment center and watch some Friends dvds on it so that helped for a while. Then I got a phone call and closed the lid. We couldn't get dvd player to work again. So dh played solitare and I tried to read my magazines again and do word searches.

I didn't feel sick or anything. I had taken 20 miligrams of dextamethasone the night before and in the morning and took my Emend while at the chemo place. So there was no chance of being sick ot my stomach. I was a bit slowed down after the benedryl but nothing to knock me out with. I made sure I had a lot to drink and had plenty of Gatorade when we got home. Even had leftover macaroni salad that my mil left me. I thought for sure I would be exhausted and ready for bed the minute I got home. But even though I was super tired, it was managable. I'm up this morning and though I'm tired, I don't have any pain anywhere at all. I was anxious and worried about that too. But it's still early, so I'm taking it easy today. Grandma has the girls today and I'm very happy about that.

I'm joining the Relay for Life event going on in Vancouver next week. There was a brochure for it at the treatment center yesterday. It was an invitation to all cancer surviviors to join in the "Celebration for Life". It's July 22nd and even if I'm not staying for the whole 24 hour event, I want to go for a little while. It's hard to see me as a survivor of this disease, because I'm not sure I like that word. I'm living with cancer and doing my best to conquer it. I'm kind of excited but scared at the same time.

I'm going to make myself a present. Even if it take me a year to save for it, I'm going to do it. My mil's friend is going skydiving tomorrow in Mollala and Jason is going with the inlaws and the girls to see it and videotape it. My gift for me is when all my surgeries are done and my health allows it, I'm going to go do a tandem skydiving jump and have it videotapped. It cost extra, but I think it would be incredible to have that on tape so if anything ever happens, my girls can see it and it gives me something to look forward to even if I'm terrified to do it. We'll see.